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Parenting

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Original poster

How long to let 3week old cry for??

30 replies

Tiddler · 11/10/2006 15:17

Hi may seem silly question, but this is all new to me and dp. Ive left her for about 10min so far and i know dam well that all she wants is cuddles as ive changed fed etc etc.. which is lovely and i/ we love holding her but i gather it's best to start as you mean to go on and i wouldn't mind knowing what you ladies think?? Thanks very much

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

zippitippitoes · 11/10/2006 15:18

cuddle her

TheUnholyTrinity · 11/10/2006 15:21

I believe that at 3 weeks old her need to be cuddled is just as real and needs to be tended to as her need to be clean , dry and fed. I hope you don't continue to leave her to cry at all. At that age and for quite a long time yet they are adjusting to the big scary world and you need to comfort them. If you do you will find that they become settled and confident gradually on their own. At this age they are not doing anything to try and manipulate you and really cannot learn that they need to settle themselves. You are a very long way off making a rod for your own back. Your dd needs to be held and comforted when ever she asks at this age and for quite a while yet. I hope you feel that you can do that, don't wotty about teaching them to bsettle on their own yet at all. security and assurance is what she needs now.

edam · 11/10/2006 15:22

Disagree re start as you mean to go on - there's no way you can spoil a tiny baby. They are completely helpless and incapable of understanding the concept of waiting. I'd go to your baby and comfort her the second she cries (once you get to know each other, you'll work out which cry means 'HELP! NOW' and which means 'I'm having a little grumble and would quite like to be left on my own, if it's all the same to you'.

If you hold her and comfort her whenever she needs, she's got a much better chance of growing into a happy, secure baby.

Btw, did you know that all human babies are born effectively premature? Compared to the other great apes, we give birth three months early. Trade off between babies and mothers - standing upright means a 'full term' baby would be too big to be born. If you think of it that way, it makes sense not to leave babies to get stressed and anxious.

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edam · 11/10/2006 15:24

Oh, congratulations, by the way! Just do what your instincts tell you is right (you obviously do want to comfort her but have heard some people spouting the rod for your own back line). You are the expert on your own baby.

oliveoil · 11/10/2006 15:25

I would treat the first 3 months as a 4th trimester - cuddle on demand, feed on demand, do everything on demand.

They are teeny tiny babies. Both of mine got into a sort of routine around the 3 month mark.

Go with your instincts, they are usually always right.

Original poster

Tiddler · 11/10/2006 15:26

coolio im glad you've both said that as that's kind of what i thought, but parents, health visitor etc seem to think that i should start as mean to go.. blah blah blah.. good good as i really enjoy my cuddles, just dont want to get it wrong, not that there is a right way as EVERYONE is very different.. thanks very much {grin}

OP posts:

KathyMCMLXXII · 11/10/2006 15:28

I think Edam's first para is spot on.

(I couldn't have left mine to cry anyway! And that changed gradually - not because she learned to put up with it or anything like that, but because the way I felt just naturally changed as she got older so her crying stopped getting to me quite as much. I think just follow your instincts on this one.)

Original poster

Tiddler · 11/10/2006 15:29

thanks KathyMCMLXXII much appreciated.. x

OP posts:

edam · 11/10/2006 15:33

Why, thank you Kathy. But what's wrong with the second and third, huh? Huh? (Not that I'm at all pushy, obv.)

KathyMCMLXXII · 11/10/2006 15:37

Edam, I only think your second and third paragraphs are true, (and your second post for that matter) whereas I know your first one is.

tribpot · 11/10/2006 15:42

I fully agree with all three of edam's paragraphs.

Please cuddle - don't leave a 3 week old! Your only mistake here has been to think your hv has got a clue what she (or he) is talking about. You will learn, young one!

juuule · 11/10/2006 16:43

Great post from Edam. Agree with all 3 paragraphs.
As far as the start as you mean to go on. Presumably you will always want to be there for your child when she needs you. Why not start like that now and be there for her now. Nothing wrong with wanting cuddles.

mummymic · 11/10/2006 21:17

hello - just joined this thread - i believe that your baby is only tiny for such a short time that you cant get enough cuddles - i always pick mine up in the first few months the second they iopen their mouths!! i agree that they are far too tiny to be spoiled
my ds2 is now 5 months and i feel is old enough to cry for a few minutes now, but this has been a gradual process over the last 6/8 weeks
enjoy your baby while tiny - they dont stay that way xxx

FloatingHeadOnTheMed · 11/10/2006 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mum2FunkyDude · 11/10/2006 21:22

You shouldn't let a 3 week old cry imo. They do not know that you are only leaving the room and will be back. You might end up with a bigger problem, selfsoothing only really starts at about 3 months.

Don't leave her to cry. Even controlled crying is not recommended until 6 months, they just do not understand before then. She might have wind or tummy ache or something, they do not know better, she cannot manipulate you for a cuddle, her basic needs are feed me, love me.

Amaretto · 11/10/2006 21:31

You can't spoil a baby/toddler/children by giving them cuddles. Ever.
Give her plenty of cuddles, as much she needs/ask. She will want to be independant and not wanting that many cuddles way too early.
For your question, I would not leave a baby crying more than 10 min. Even that, I have to make a huge effort not to run to them and that's when ds2 is 16 months...

nearlythree · 11/10/2006 21:31

A new baby needs to learn that she can trust the important people in her life - that when she cries she will be picked up, cuddled, fed etc. I have three children under five and my ds does sometimes have to cry (he's 4 mo) as I just have to do something else and even though it is only for a moment or two I feel terrible. He loves being cuddled and hates his chair, and dh and I make sure we cuddle him as much as possible - makes for a more secure child IMO.

3andnomore · 11/10/2006 21:50

a 3 week old...picking the child up and hope it helps...letting them cry is not gonna help anyone, they do not cry for unecessary attention, for them being close is a real need...after all, whilest in the womb your lil one has never been apart from you and well, at this time your lil one does not consider him/herself seperate from you!

SittingBull · 11/10/2006 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hester · 11/10/2006 21:53

Agree with all the others. Give your tiddlerette as many cuddles as you and she want

hermykne · 11/10/2006 21:55

tiddler , shes only just oout of her cosy wee home for the previous 9mths! hold and cosy her, shes need to feel you and your dh as well her trusting you - by that i mean you havent left her in a state of distress, as she becomes more aware of her surrounding s and you, she will change. its normal and natural for her cry and want to be held.

KBear · 11/10/2006 22:00

My HV told me rocking my DD in my arms was making a rod for my own back - "ooh, you don't want to start that" where her precise words. She never saw us again. Rocking and cuddling babies is a basic instinct for a parent, particularly a mother.

Ignore all the "rod for your own back" brigade for now and go with your instincts. Personally I cuddled my DD endlessly, gazing at her in wonderment and I'm amazed she ever settled in her cot, but she did. All in good time.

3andnomore · 11/10/2006 22:14

here is lots of info about the importance of closeness! I love the In your arms phase article!

babywearer info

Heathcliffscathy · 11/10/2006 22:15

only read original post....don't let her cry. cuddle her!

HuwEdwards · 11/10/2006 22:18

oh love her, pick her up, smell her newborness, revel in her tinyness. She's a newborn

broody emoticon needed.....

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