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Original poster

Leaving baby - don't know what to do

37 replies

Em1503 · 06/12/2014 07:20

My DD is 17 weeks and ebf. Me and DH have got a Christmas night out arranged with friends for a couple of weeks time, it's been arranged for ages, will be our first night out since she was born etc so we're really looking forward to it.

However I just don't know if I can go. We don't have many options for babysitters so it will be DH's dad looking after her. He's lovely but has never been very hands on with her so I'm not entirely comfortable with it. Also she hates taking a bottle of expressed milk, will scream and cry and get herself so worked up into a state and that's just for DH, although she does eventually drink it. Added to this she is currently going through the 4 month sleep regression so she's bound to wake whilst we're out, usually I'm the only one who can settle her back to sleep easily.

I feel sick at the thought of leaving her but DH says we can't miss out and we need a night out together without her. I do agree but can't bear the thought of her waking and I'm not there for her. DH says we'll come straight home if she gets really worked up but it'll take us about half an hour to get back. I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:

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Mrscog · 06/12/2014 07:22

Give it a go and try not to worry. She might be completely different taking a bottle off someone else when you're not there. Could you wear a Muslim down your top in the day to put in her cot that night - she might find the smell of you comforting if she does wake?

Mrscog · 06/12/2014 07:22

And obviously that should say muslin cloth!

Daveface · 06/12/2014 07:23

Don't go.

I wouldn't have gone. Didn't leave my first till she was 11 months. I also would have felt so uncomfortable that I wouldn't have enjoyed my night off. I just didn't think it was worth it.

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ilovelamp82 · 06/12/2014 07:28

He will be fine. He's had kids before. He's not going to be expecting a 17 week old to be an angel and just sleep through all night.

The baby will be fine too. As your DH said, if the baby gets really worked up you can be back in half an hour. It won't come to that, but if that's the worst case scenario, nothing horrendous will happen in 30 minutes.
It's perfectly natural to be feeling how you do. But it's only one night. It will go a lot bettet than you racing mind is telling you. And at worst you can be home.i need half an hour. Try to relax. (Easier said than done) but it will all be fine.

googietheegg · 06/12/2014 07:30

I wouldn't go tbh. And DH wouldn't make me.

HupTwoThreeFour · 06/12/2014 07:47

can you just go for an hour or two or something? eg put her to bed and then go out for a little bit but aim to be there when she first wakes up? (for mine, even during sleep regression they would normally sleep for a couple of hours after first going to bed, even if they were up every half an hour after that.)

I think it would be good for you to go out but its OK to build up gradually! if this occasion doesn't work to go for an hour or two, maybe you can arrange another one that would work.

TittingAbout · 06/12/2014 07:58

If it makes you feel sick thinking about going, I would say don't go.
It isn't worth the stress - hers or yours.
I wouldn't go and my partner would be totally accepting of that.

ch1134 · 06/12/2014 08:00

Don't feel you have to go. My son was ebf no bottles and I first left him at 6 months when he would reliably stay asleep 7-12.

Cupcakes123 · 06/12/2014 08:01

I left my PFB DS for the first time when he was 13 weeks old with MIL, similar issues, only settles with me, pain with bottle etc.
I cried all the way home after dropping him off but he was FINE, slept well, ate well and was "a little angel"
It was nice to have a night with DP and not have to stress about nappies, car seats, bottles etc. and I knew we were just a phone call away and could go and get him if necessary.

He's off for his second sleepover this time with my mum next weekend, he's 16 weeks now.

Go and have fun

Ragwort · 06/12/2014 08:13

The thing is if you don't leave her this time .......... then you will just go through the same feelings whenever you leave her.

Can your FIL look after her for a short time as a sort of 'trial'; and/or get your DH to give her some expressed milk occasionally, he might like to be involved with the feeding anyway.

(I'm probably not the best person to comment as I happily left my new baby at home for an evening when he was just 10 days old - he slept through and there were no problems at all. ).

Shakey1500 · 06/12/2014 08:17

I'm with Ragwort

Have trial run and as, previously said, she might be completely different with someone else. It's certainly worth a try

BugBugBug · 06/12/2014 08:20

Can you change the location of where you are going out? Pick somewhere that's only round the corner? That way if she gets upset, you can get back.

Original poster

Em1503 · 06/12/2014 09:02

I can't change the location as it's a central location for everyone coming and we'd never find elsewhere to accommodate a large group for a Christmas meal and night out. It's a bit of a Christmas tradition for all us couples to have a night out at Christmas, the meal is booked for 8:30 so realistically we wouldn't be home until 11ish if we come straight home after the meal which is what we'll do anyway. DH wouldn't force me to go but one part of me does agree with him that we should go, see what happens and come straight home if need be. He leaves her every day to go to work though so I don't think it's nearly as hard for him. Might just have to bite the bullet and try it. Thanks so much for the replies, they've really helped.

OP posts:

SASASI · 06/12/2014 09:39

It's so hard isn't it!

DS is 16 weeks & I can count on one hand the amount of times I have left him - at the most 2 hrs.

Were at a concert next week. Pre birth I had an overnight stay booked in a hotel - I cancelled it & DH fully supported me. I'm still nervous of going, we'll be away maybe 5/6hrs but he'll be with my parents & I know he'll be fine. I will miss him terribly though!!

I'm BF too but DS takes a bottle no problem. Apparently if you are not within sight they will take it far easier than if you are around. Great tip re muslin cloth. and def try another bottle when you are not about just to see.

I hope you have a great night - being a mummy is so wonderful but we are also wives, partners, friends etc too (that's what I keep telling myself!!)

wheresthelight · 06/12/2014 09:54

My dd is nearly 16 months and I have left her 3 maybe 4 times so I know exactly how you are feeling!!

as some say the first time is the hardest and then the longer you leave it the worse the anxiety gets.

how long are you out for? can you feed and settle her before you go and then say to dh you will cone home about 11 and he can stay on if he wants?

your fil will be fine I am sure and your dd will probably be perfect for him (dd sleeps fine for everyone except me and dp) but it is very hard!

Mrscog · 06/12/2014 10:58

Also, a couple of weeks is a long time in terms of a sleep regression - she might be sleeping much longer by then and your FIL will have an evening of just watching TV!

Iggly · 06/12/2014 11:05

I wouldn't leave her and disagree that it will make it harder to leave her next time.

I have no problems leaving mine now. I did when they were little babies.

And some people will tell you your baby is fine when you leave them, when actually they cried etc and eventually settled!

Purplecircle · 06/12/2014 11:10

What about a hotel near the place so you can bf and settle baby then leave fil with her in hotel room?
I know it's more expensive but means you're not that far away

daluze · 06/12/2014 12:41

Can you try to fit the dinner so that she is most likely to sleep while you are out? I only left DS few evenings during his first year, but when I did, I would feed him, settle and we would leave asap (usually around 8pm). He would usually sleep at least until midnight, so we made sure we were back by then. So he never knew we were out. Only once he woke up just before we came, but was happy cuddled by SIL.
For us it meant that sometimes we were late or early for the dinner, but I was much happier knowing DS is in his normal routine. We would just join later, or have a drink in a bar (i.e. DH would have, as I knew I would feed in couple of hours), if we came too early.
It always was great to get out and worth it!

Ragwort · 06/12/2014 12:50

Those of you who find it so hard to leave your babies - don't you ever wonder what would happen if you were rushed into hospital or fell under a bus? I found it very important to make sure my DS could settle with people other than DH or myself; I don't think you are doing either yourself or your baby any favours if you can't leave them.

WrappedInABlankie · 06/12/2014 12:58

I wouldn't go but I didn't leave my ds with anyone until I was rushed into hospital on my birthday and he was 11 months and then I was constantly worrying he was brought to me 8-8 every day I didn't leave him again for around 6 months.
Have no trouble leaving him now though for nursery etc

but personally I wouldn't leave my ds to go out for dinner with friends/partying etc. I do know people though that left their 5 week old ds to go out drinking and it's a weekly thing

If you don't want to go then Don't

Cupcakes123 · 06/12/2014 16:23

I agree with Ragwort, I found leaving baby for the first time was horrible but again, he was fine and a full nights sleep did me the world if good. I want to make sure he's ok with relatives because if something did happen and I needed emergency child care in the future, I know he would be used to and comfortable with my family

cogitosum · 06/12/2014 16:28

Tbh id make the first time you leave her a time when you're nearby then build up to a proper night out. We first left ds at 4-5 months with my dsis and went to a pub a 5 min walk away for dinner. We were back within a couple of hours then the next time I felt more comfortable leaving him for longer. Baby steps!

Original poster

Em1503 · 06/12/2014 21:20

In still undecided, I don't think I'll be able to make a decision one way or the other until nearer the time depending upon how she is sleeping. If she would sleep through until 11ish like she used to it would be fine but for example this evening I put her down at 6.30, she has woke 3 times already since, either wanting a feed or cuddle back to sleep. If she's like that on the night there's no way I could leave her, we wouldn't even make it to the restaurant before she'll have woken! Oh why is it so hard!! I agree with a PP that I am more than just a mummy but right now that's the most important thing to me.

OP posts:

Littlegiraffe · 06/12/2014 22:14

Em, you have my every sympathy. I missed seeing Madonna (and I had the tickets for well over a year) because I couldn't leave baby DS when the time came.

He was a bottle refuser and I would've been away for at least 7-8hours. He was only 11weeks old and my friends were putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on me to go. In the end, I lied and said he had a really heavy cold and that's why I didn't want to leave him. They knew really, and I know they thought I was mad, but I didn't care and still don't. I didn't judge them for buggering off for whole weekends without their young babies. It just wasn't for me.

And the first time I left him overnight I cried into my dinner (the waitress kept asking DH if everything was ok!) as I hadn't been 100% comfortable about leaving him. I wish I hadn't allowed myself to by pressured into leaving him. He was 8months old then.

DS is now 2.7yo & stays overnight my my brother &sis in law no problem, so it didn't do him any harm!!

Do what's right for you & your baby. They are only tiny for such a short time.

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