What does Alfie Kohn actually tell you to do? (aviatrix, juule, ?)

[flack]

I got the Unconditional Parenting book.
TBH, I thought it was useless. It spent so long rubbishing most of what parents have been taught to do to get good behaviour (not that I'm convinced by his evidence, but anyway). Then he says something like "I'm not going to be prescriptive and tell parents what to do instead, they can figure it out for themselves"

So he doesn't offer any alternatives at all.

I peeked at the forums on his website and the people there seem just as clueless as me, really. Actually, quite scarey his devotees are, fumbling around for answers.

So Aviatrix or anyone else who is a fan, what does he suggest you do to inspire bolshy kids to behave? Does he give any tangible guidelines in one of his other books?

I was reading Ghosty's thread but didn't want to hijack it (I have a similarly uncooperative 7yo).

Thanks for responses, Jimjams2 and flack. Jimjams2, I don't know how you do it, with three kids, including one with special needs. My sister is 23 and has Down syndrome. Having always been energetic and upbeat, she's been in a depressive phase for the last 18 months or so, and with it, she has slooooowed down to a pace of life I find barely believeable. Getting a one word answer to a question takes minutes, putting a sock on takes half-an-hour. Trying to encourage/support her and remain patient throughout these painfully drawn-out processes and interactions, while trying to get me and turbo-charged ds not only ready but doing something fun or interesting ... well, it's so difficult. By the time everyone's most basic needs are met - food, clean nappy, dressed - I'm ready for a holiday, not full-on play and creativity. Last night, when ds had finally gone to sleep, my sister was unusually cheerful and sociable, which I should have been delighted with given how low she's been, except I was so desperate for some quiet time that I kind of resented the socialising.

Jj2, how do you do it?! This week has made me understand more acutely than ever why Mum and Dad need a break. Do you get regular breaks from juggling all your family members' needs? I do hope so. Thanks again.

flack I agree with you (allthough haven't read that much by him). I think it can work, but only if you have a very conformist child who gets reinforcement from pleasing adults. DS2 is quite like that and his methods would probably be fairly successful with him.

That sounds very difficult eggy, and very sad. I hope you get your upbeat sister back soon. There was an article in todays Sunday TImes (in the magazine- relatiive values) about a 20 year old with Doown Syndrome and her mother. I found it very poignant and honest but also quite sad.

TBH if I'm alone with all 3 it is impossible to do anything other than meet everyone's basic needs and keep everyone (ds1 in particular) safe. We don't get many breaks (although I did just win a mumsnet competition for a holiday- could only manage 3 nights away, rather than a week, but did get my first lie in for 3 years). What we do get though is money from social services that allows us to buy in help. So for example during the long school holidays there were only about 3 days when I was alone wwith the three of them all day. This half term I have 3 and a half days of help. It allows us to go out and do more that just manage. Makes a big difference.