happy to have an only child-but sad about the passing of time...

[Binker]

I've just posted a message,but forgot to put a subject on it,so I'm going to repeat myself as the original is bound to have got lost somewhere !
What I wondered was, am I alone in feeling something that perhaps I can best describe as feelings of 'grief' for the passing of time since my much loved son was born,four and a half years ago. He is our only child and we don't intend to have any more - our family unit feels complete with the three of us. I have no yearning for another baby but sometimes feel pangs of sadness when looking back over the past few years-because that time has gone.I do look forward to him growing up too (though not too quickly !). Anyone else like this ?

no do 2 and a half - thats the best gap imo

Coddy - between kids or between falling pg??

kids
I did 2 wiht the first - too small - 2 and a half is ideal

Aah Norherner, that's not nice of him

Wow, what a time for a thread like this for me. My DS is coming up on one, and we felt like a complete family. Then DH's brother died, and that turned everything upside down for me. Between that, the baby coming up on 1, and 3 of my friends being pregnant, I'm not sure if I feel happy with 1 anymore. But I'm pretty sure DH doesn't want another one, so I've been feeling a bit sad lately.

I love the thought of being pregnant and having another one - its the reality I couldn't handle

people definitely think that having only one child means that you are selfish, and that you are selfishly depriving your child of siblings. I feel really defensive when I'm asked the "how old is he now, so when are you having your next one, you dont want to leave it too long you know, he'll get really spoilt". It drives me nuts. We wanted a big family but because of various problems ds will probably be an only child. I have come to terms with that and I am seeing all the wonderful positives of an only child. I will stop now before this rant really gets going!

I agree witht hem though

sorry

sorry - didnt see " variosu problems"

My friend and her husband can't have kids, and adopted one, so when people ask when the next one will be or tell her how selfish she is being she tells them straight up that they would love to experience the joys of being pregnant, but are unable to have kids, and unsure of being able financially or otherwise to adopt another one all with a very sad face. It makes the other people feel horrible, and shuts them up really quick.

But Coddy - what if another would cause family upset and DH to flee for the hills (and his life) ?

Personally, I think DH & I acknowledge what we are capable of and are happy concentrating on getting the one we've got right IYSWIM. Another, although possibly great for DD 2-3 years down the line, would not be great for her, or us, now.

vict17 - I don't think it's selfish to have just the one child - in fact I have always felt it was a great priviledge and a gift to have a child and something we thought carefully about before embarking on parenthood. It feels right for us to be a family of three and ds is a lovely,happy and very friendly boy.He has some close pals at school and plays very nicely with other children,sharing things and isn't lonely - he is quite self contained and never seems to get bored, but equally happy to play with other children. He gets lots of attention at home and we can spend a lot of time doing stuff with him, yet I can honestly say he isn't spoilt or demanding of attention. The only thing I do fret about is that he will have to worry about his old mum and dad on his own later on !!!!

How old is your DS Binker?

What happens if your child asks for a sibling (for Xmas instead of a puppy?)

he was seven in June.
has never asked for a brother or sister, but does ask for a dog !

binker - that's a really nice post I just feel that if dh doesn't want to put 100% into a 2nd child i really don't want to feel on my own with 2 IYKWIM. I'd rather we all be happy with one than miserable with 2. You only live once after all and if people see that as selfish, well it's a shame

Very good point vict17 - you have to do what is best for the family as a unit - not just the individuals in it. Personally, if it isn't a joint decision I can only see it leading to resentment and problems in the future.

I am also a strong believer that some people are natural mothers (and fathers) and take everything in their stride and others find it a lot more difficult and really have to work at it. I am definately in the latter camp, as is my husband, so I think we will be sticking with the one happy DD, who has two slightly stressed parents who love her to bits.

I had my son quite young and on my own, he is now 10, I always assumed that the right man would come along and I'd marry and have other kids in the next couple of years after his birth (naive huh I was 23)
When he was about 6 I realised I was hitting 30, with no man on the horizon, I had found not one man worthy of him or me and our life.
I literally at that point gave up wanting more kids and accepting that he was my only one. It was awful I felt so sad and like others made efforts to get back some of the memories of him as a little boy.
I did actually meet Prince Charming on his white horse when ds was 7.. and we have a dd now.
I think you get that pang when any of your children grows up, that part is gone forever and lives only in your mind...

A lot of what has been said strikes a chord for me. We are amazed at our good fortune in being able to have dd (now 18 months) at all, after 6 attempts at IVF. We have tried for another since she was born, but have now used up all our frozen embryos and are trying to decide whether to start again with a fresh cycle. I suspect we won't, as I am 42 and am not sure I can bear several more years of IVF cycles, having been going through various fertility treatments since 1998. I feel a real sense of mourning for the other children we haven't had and see dd pass each stage with a mixture of excitement and regret. However, I helped, in a small way, to bring up dh's three step-children, from when the youngest was 5 to now, when she is almost 19. That experience teaches me that all the other stages are wonderful, too. Yes, teenagers can be distant, and grotty, at times, but you also have some magical moments when you begin to have a more adult relationship with them and when they start to think about why the world is how it is. So there is plenty to look forward to.

vict17 and bootsmonkey and ks - absolutely agree with you ...ks, it's nice to know that we are in same boat - am sure that the next couple of years will be pretty much as they are now but feel slightly apprehensive about the more grown up ages of say 10 upwards...

Ditto, Binker, my (only child) is the same age as your son was in your original post right now!

I think the approaching first term at school focuses the mind!

Have just looked at this thread again -I first posted when ds was four and a half - he's now coming up to 9 !! - can't believe how time has whizzed by...I feel less of the grief bit I think now, but still a bit sad to think of the passing time...he is still my little boy,perhaps being an only child he is particularly close to me -and he still loves to be cuddled and he always tells me he loves me. He bought, with his Easter money, a cuddly cat toy today- so he still really loves soft toys ! I guess I'll still be posting on this thread when he's in yr 6 !

I love the way this thread has been going sooo long. Good to know this is a common feeling. I didn't really get it until DS was about 3 and then it hit hard. My desire to have another child was as a result of this. DD now 14mths and DS is 6. I feel so much like what everyone describes here (What are we like). It must be nature's way of getting us to have more kids. When you have a baby time sees to slow down a bit.

We don't intend to have any more kids but I always say 'never say never' but I ma kidding myself. It's just my way of not facing up to it.