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Parenting

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Original poster

happy to have an only child-but sad about the passing of time...

73 replies

Binker · 03/04/2002 23:14

I've just posted a message,but forgot to put a subject on it,so I'm going to repeat myself as the original is bound to have got lost somewhere !
What I wondered was, am I alone in feeling something that perhaps I can best describe as feelings of 'grief' for the passing of time since my much loved son was born,four and a half years ago. He is our only child and we don't intend to have any more - our family unit feels complete with the three of us. I have no yearning for another baby but sometimes feel pangs of sadness when looking back over the past few years-because that time has gone.I do look forward to him growing up too (though not too quickly !). Anyone else like this ?

OP posts:

Rozzy · 04/04/2002 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sis · 04/04/2002 11:33

Binker, we too have decided not to have more children and find that we consciously remind ourselves to make the most of each stage of ds's early life as we will not get the opportunity to go through it again with another child.

I think it is perfectly normal and we make sure we make the most of our time with ds (apart from the times when he is being told off...!)

sister · 04/04/2002 12:19

Yes I know what you mean too. I have 2 children and wont be having any more. Feel sad about that as I enjoyed being pregnant and knowing I'll never experience that again sadens me. My 2 are coming up to school age and I know that when they do start school I'll have to take the day off work as I'll be a bundle of tears!

tigermoth · 04/04/2002 13:58

sis, every time my sons have a birthday, I feel I am waving goodbye to that little three, four or five year old boy I knew. For me birthdays mark a loss as well as a celebration. I have to remind myself about any downside of the past year - the nappies, the tantrums, to make myself feel better.

Yet how awful it would be if they didn't change, while all the world changed around them and dh and I grew older.

I'm sure birthdays are an early intimation of the feelings I'll have when my sons fly the nest. While trying to enjoy every minute I have with them now, I try to remember that they will not be mine forever and I must find happiness through myself as well, not only through my sons.

Batters · 04/04/2002 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janh · 04/04/2002 17:37

My youngest will be 9 this month and I miss his littleness...he used to make me cards that said things like "Mum, I realy love you" ("from your son, Sam"!)with hearts and stars, and I have a "certificot" on the kitchen wall for "bean a great mum" from when he was about 6 - I hope he still realy loves me and I still am a great mum...

As sis says, make the most of all the time you have with them. It just flies.

Original poster

Binker · 04/04/2002 18:32

thank you everyone for writing and saying what you've all said - I don't feel alone now ! There are 2 threads going on this subject owing to my cack handedness yesterday -I really appreciate how kind everyone on Mumsnet is !

OP posts:

KMG · 04/04/2002 20:25

Binker, I know exactly what you mean. We are moving in the summer, and because of the different systems, they will both start school and nursery for the first time. I feel like I will be leaving their babyhood and toddlerhood behind here. This week watching them play out in the garden has made me want to cry. Next year we won't have so much space, we'll have to leave many of the outdoor toys here, and they will be a year older, and be at home with me much less anyway. I feel I'm being pathetic, but it makes me feel desperately sad. Almost desperate enough to have another baby (which I don't want), just in an attempt to cling on to something whilst they are growing up!

Wells1 · 04/04/2002 21:36

I cried in hospital when my baby was two days old because he wasn't a day old anymore!! Hormones, I know, but I think the passing of time is bitter-sweet for everyone with children.

bloss · 05/04/2002 06:13

Message withdrawn

CAM · 06/04/2002 18:49

Yes, when you measure their time in hours is really special isn't, then days, weeks, months and now years.I feel all emotional about it now!

thumper · 06/04/2002 19:34

I can identify with this after today. This morning after 'playing around' with the potty for a few weeks she decided this was the moment and had a couple of wees in it. Great celebrations and lots of dancing around which she loved were followed by a trip to Mothercare for another potty for upstairs and some pretty pants and vests to introduce her to no more nappies.

Well after having to retrieve five pairs of pants from around her head which she achieved on the five minute journey from MC to Tesco, (and doing a biscuit if you dont carry them around the supermarket deal) I put them on her for a trial and have to admit to tears running down my cheeks at the 'loss' of my little baby girl in fat nappies. Even though I know she will be in them for a while longer, it just felt like such a huge moment. Having said that, we have had a wonderful day living through this moment and seeing her so delighted at weeing and EVEN pooing in her potty! I suppose we just have to remember every moment as it happens and treasure the memories.

fernyburn · 22/04/2004 18:30

oooh
So you mean that me breaking into tears cos my dd is now nearly 9 weeks old, wont get any easier to bear

CountessDracula · 22/04/2004 18:42

Oh I know exactly what you mean, we were lying on the grass in the park today watching dd 19 months playing with the dog and I said something like "look at that baby" - dh said oh no she's not really a baby now is she! Oh she is she is she is to me!

Wish I could inject her with something to freeze her at each age for a bit longer

Bozza · 22/04/2004 19:10

Now at 36 weeks pregnant I am blaming a certain amount of this on hormones. But this is to be our last baby and I was in tears last night trying to explain to DH about feeling sad about not being pregnant ever again. DH didn't understand and felt that I was saying that I wanted more children which was not it at all but there is still a sadness there. Obviously at 31 I don't plan to pop one out every 2/3 years until I am no longer reproductive but I still have a certain feeling of regret that this is the last time. DH also pointed out that I don't even like being pregnant and that I can't bend over, breathe properly, sleep properly, I snore, I have back ache, piles and heartburn etc etc. So if I feel like this about pregnancy what will I feel when I actually have my baby?

I think its not do with how may children you have, but to do with the intention of having no more. Also CD I stilll call my 3.2 year old "baby" and both DH and DS point out that he is not a baby "I'm not a baby, I'm a big boy" but I don't think I'll ever be able to stop myself.

Paula71 · 23/04/2004 00:56

Am feeling similar Binker in regards to the almost mourning of the child I won't have. I have my beautiful ds twins who are happy and healthy and I am grateful for that.

But I do wish for another (if I had enough resources and by that I mean money, the ability to move to a larger house etc.) I would have another child, possibly two. As the years pass by though, I can see this becoming a distant dream and for that I grieve.

Slinky · 23/04/2004 01:05

Binker

Having similar thoughts myself with regards to my youngest DD. She's my last "baby" and will be starting school in September

I'm desperately trying to "cram" lots of special times between now and then. I try to remember how "difficult" she was as a toddler (and she was - VERY!) and am pleased that we're passed that, but sometimes I would do anything to go back to that stage

Definately don't want any more babies - so I intend to look back at their baby/toddler years with great fondness and think forward to the exciting times to come as they grow up.

Hulababy · 23/04/2004 01:18

I feel just the same too. DD had just turned too and we have no intention of having any more children. As you say Binker - for us too our family unit feels complete as a threesome. But it is strange as time goes by and DD is growing up in front of our eyes. Seems it may be no different for people with 2 and more children though, which does make me feel a bit better - in an odd way.

Spod · 23/04/2004 01:36

Message deleted

tallulah · 23/04/2004 13:28

Hulababy, I've got 4 & still feel the same! We recently unearthed a lot of "special" photos & framed them and put them on the wall. Each time I go past them I feel a pang for the little ones they were & sad that they aren't like that any more. I thought it was because we had so many so close together (4 in 5.5 years) & didn't have time to enjoy them as life was just so hard physically. Reading these posts has made me realise it is probably "normal" to feel like this & I would have been the same even with a big gap. The danger is that you start wanting another baby to recreate what you had before, & you can't.

tamum · 23/04/2004 13:39

I just realised what an old thread this is, but I'm so glad it was resurrected. It was dd's 6th birthday party yesterday, and I feel just like tigermoth, that each birthday is a time of secret sadness aswell as celebration. I don't want another baby really, I'm very happy having a 6 and 9 year old, they're just lovely, but I can't help mourning the time of my life when I had babies/toddlers. I am far to old to have another, so it is really reassuring to know from mothers of 3 or 4 children that it wouldn't necessarily help!

jac34 · 23/04/2004 13:45

I feel very much like this, I have 5yo DS twins and felt almost traumatised when they went to school in September. I work 3 days a week, but the 2 days I was at home alone with them was our special time, we were always out and about together having fun.It just feels so odd going out without them !!!
I was looking at them and my step DD(who I've known since she was 10 months old, now 9yo), playing together the other day, and just couldn't believe that they all looked so grown up.
I'd dearly love another, we could afford it and the house is big enough, but DH refuses, says we've done our bit, and should be enjoying ourselves together, now that they have got alot easier.

arabella2 · 23/04/2004 17:37

I have a question for all mothers of "older" children - I have a 29 month old son and a 4 week old daughter - I have been told that from 3 years old toddlers become a lot more independent and need you a lot less. Is this true? Is it really so different and not as good as also this thread would lead you to believe?

mears · 23/04/2004 17:40

Toddlers become more independent but that doesn't mean they need you less I am afraid. I have found that they demand your attention in different ways that's all. My eldest is 17 yrs old and now 'needs me' to run him to his friends house in the next 5 minutes. Life doesn't get any less hectic as they get older

tamum · 23/04/2004 17:52

arabella2, for all my "sadness" about the passing of time, I should say really that I am loving them being the ages they are now (6 and 9). They are still loving and entertaining and we have tremendous fun together, but it's nowhere near such hard work IME. The sadness is just to do with the thought that with each year you get closer to them growing up completely, really. Please don't come away from this thinking that having older children is less fun than having babies/toddlers, it isn't at all!

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