DH hasn't bonded with DD and doesnt seem to care.

[SellMySoulForSomeSleep]

DH has never been very lovey dovey with me. He isn't one to show love easily but I know he loves me. He is a bit of a old fashioned kind of guy really. It took a while to train him to do domestic things when we first moved in together as MIL used to do everything for him. It took him a couple of years to tell me he loves me and that was only after a bit of pushing from me. We have always been very independent and it has always worked well for us.

After we got married I said I was ready for kids but we decided to wait for a year to decide if it was right and do the things we wanted to do before baby.
DD is 4m old now and the last 4m has been very difficult.
I struggled for the first month to bond with her due to a horrendous birth and breast feeding experience but am completely besotted with her now.
DH doesn't seem to care about her at all and it's breaking my heart.

Examples: he won't hold her, kiss or cuddle her.
He will put her down if she cries.
He will do anything to avoid coming home and find "jobs" to do elsewhere.
I've left them together a few times and she is always hysterical when I return.
He constantly texts me and sends pictures of her crying when I'm away.

We are sleeping in separate rooms because he drives a huge wagon with very long hours so it isn't safe if he is tired. I see him for about 3 hours a day so we don't have much time together. DD always gurgles and smiles at him but as soon as she is sat with him she becomes un happy.
He is practical and will do the food shopping and tidy round if prompted but I have to ask for him to have her if I want a toilet break or a shower. And then he just plonks her in her seat. He gets really frustrated when she cries and doesn't seem to understand that it's a cycle of finding out what is wrong.

I've talked to him till I'm blue in the face telling him that I need a bit of engagement and help from him. I just feel that he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with us. People keep saying it will get better when she is on solids and he can help but i'm struggling to cope with the thought of at least 2 more months of feeling like this. I've started to go to the stage of quiet resentment as i'm so emotional about it all. I want him to if not love her at least be happy to spend time with her.

I don't know why I'm posting really. Any advice would be helpful. I'm just feeling very sorry for myself as I've had yet another Saturday feeling lonely because he has gone out for the day. I did ask if he wanted to spend the day with us and the answer was a straight "no"

How can he not care about her? She is the image of him and a fantastically well behaved baby. I just wish I knew what to say or do to sort out this situation.
Wow, that was long!

To throw him a bone, could he have struggled with your birth and somehow has transferred that feeling to your dd? What does he say when you talk to him?

What do you get out of this relationship? Where has he been today?

He could have struggled with the birth. When I talk to him about the birth he just says that all the stitching was awful.
He just shrugs his shoulders when I ask him about her and says things like "well I can't do anything with her as you're breast feeding" "she doesn't like me" "I can't settle her"
I explain that he needs to spend more time with her for her to settle better but she settles no problems for both sets of grandparents.

He was working this morning then went out to do a bit of farm work which earns a bit more money.
I don't feel like we are partners anymore.

They don't sound bonded and if dd cries with him he is probably feeling rejected, pushed out and fed up which then causes a downward spiral. This stage is very hard at the best of times. Do you have anyone who can babysit so you and your dh can spend time just the two of you even if just to go for a coffee? On the up side, being terrible with young babies doesn't mean he will be terrible with toddlers or older children. Some men just don't manage to cope with the baby phase.

Hi SellMySoul,
I can sympathise in some respects, when our DD was born my dh had no experience of babies at all (although I often pointed out that neither did I!) & if he looked after her while I went for a shower & she started to cry his stock response was "she needs feeding" (EBF baby) & he'd give her back to me as soon as physically possible, making me rush my shower & meaning I had precious little time away from our dd even for basic personal hygiene. This did cause me to resent him & his apparent lack of caring a bit.
We were also in separate rooms for several months while DD woke alot at night as dh work involved driving heavy machinery for long hours, this extra separation of me &him & lack of physical closeness didn't really help with my feelings either as I felt unloved.

I found his attitude & efforts improved greatly when our DD became mobile, really responsive & less "fragile" in his view; it improved even further once she could talk.
I realise it's not much help to you at this point in time, but hopefully shows there can be hope for fathers who are less involved when babies are tiny.

Thanks Bilberry. My MIL had her for a few hours last week and we went out for some food. It was nice and I talked about everything but DD so its felt like a break. I think we need to try and do that more but it's hard to find time and babysitters.

Thanks fidgetywidget.

That's exactly what he is like. I just need to ride it out really don't I?

My DH said the thing that helped him bond was skin-to-skin.

I'll try that with him. To be honest i'd try anything now.

My DH was similar to fidgets, he wasn't cruel or anything more inexperienced. Nobody warns you about the rows literally over who got ten minutes extra sleep. I know others will have a lovely beautiful time and never row with their partner but that's not us. It did upset me at the time and spoke to DH. When DS was about 6 months old something just clicked. Probably cause DS was doing things then. Saying that my DH would pick up him or give him a bottle but then hand him to me if he was upset. If u want to chat through pm please do x it does get better

Do you think he could have the male version of pnd? It can happen and his lack of affection for her is quite symptomatic.

I'd have a really good talk about his he's feeling and maybe ask him to read an article on it and see if anything resonates. Good luck

If you believe deep down that he is a good man you need to keep trying and ride it out a bit longer.
It sounds to me like a man who is utterly out his depth and panicking. If he is a naturally reticent person then showing the emotions that come with a traumatic birth and then a newborn baby could be extremely difficult for him. I believe it is quite common for men to feel very powerless when faced with their tiny new born. If we're honest there is a lot he can't help with. If he is more practical then get him on the practical jobs to help out.
What 'help' have you given him in learning how to settle her and bond better? Would he take her out walking in the buggy to give you a rest?
Keep on finding as many opportunities for them to be together as you can.
I think it may be unreasonable to expect him to suddenly become a different, more demonstrative and emotional person just because he has a child. Hopefully as she grows and starts giving a bit more back he will find his own way of caring for her and enjoying his time with her.

Does your dd like a bath? If so, could he step in and do bathtime? Left alone for half an hour, maybe learn a few baby massage tecniques for after and then he could hand her over for a feed after?

Once she is fed, pop her on his lap with a little story book and get him to read her a bedtime story.

I think some people (both men and women) really struggle with young babies. That doesn't help you much now though. Hopefully he'll get to grips with it a bit when she's bigger.

Maybe he needs to be assigned specific tasks, like dress her/change her/put her in the buggy and walk round the block etc. rather than just 'look after her' or 'comfort her'. Some people just have no idea.

I'd never leave him. We can be a great team. I suppose I was thinking when she started to smile and focus on him he'd start to appreciate her. He hasn't really had much baby experience but neither had I.

I try to explain things. if she is upset and he doesn't know what to do I say "why don't you try this" etc. I give advice but don't tell him what to do.
I have to spoon feed him everything to do with her, I just make it up as I go along but he doesn't seem to have that in him.

I don't expect him to become a different person and become super lovey dovey but his life hasn't changed at all. He just does what he wants and I have to beg him to spend time with us. Tomorrow I'm going to try asking what he wants to do with the two of us and try and help him to enjoy her.

but his life hasn't changed at all

Sorry, but his life has changed dramatically. For a start he has watched you suffer through the birth and stitches. Then he has watched you fall in love with someone else.

I expect he really feels sidelined and left out of the whole situation. I am sure it will improve, but for now he is in no-man's land.

Could you express so that he could do 1 feed a day? I apologise if that's a bad suggestion but my DP said he found it much easier to bond once he was able to give DS a feed, until then every time DS cried DP just handed him back to me cos he didn't feel he could do anything (but I should add I only bf for the first 3 days so it's possibly a very poor example!)

I try my hardest to keep him involved in everything. His social life and time to himself hasn't changed. He does what he wants when he wants.
I'm just want his first thought to be us on his day off rather than finding anything else to keep him away from us.

Alb1. He won't feed her if I express. He gets annoyed when she won't take it easily and the whole situation turns into a stressful nightmare. I asked him to take her when he gets up on a one weekend morning a week so I can have a lie in (he is always up before me) the most he managed is 45minutes before he practically throws her back at me saying either "she won't take the bottle" "she wants you"
He can't seem to cope.

DH found the baby stage very trying and frustrating as DD only ever wanted me. It wasn't nice and there were several occassions when i packed my stuff to leave.

FF 4 years, he is an amazing dad, so engaged with dd and absolutely besotted with her. As soon as she became less reliant on me and more interactive things improved dramatically. DH is very practical and i think he felt frustrated at his inability to settle her and that he didn't have the magic cure all attached to his body (boobs). He couldn't get his head round the fact that there was no "solution" to problems, he is very logical and likes things to work logically - as far from a baby as possible

Yes Truffle, you've hit the nail on the head. This sounds just like DH. Fingers crossed he'll improve.

Sympathies. I'm on baby 3, she is 4m old and also going through a slightly diluted version of the same thing with DH. DD is BF and only wants me, she screams when DH holds her and he seems not to have any instinct for what she wants. It doesn't help that the only time he has with her is tea time when she is overtired and grouchy. It's a time when you are re-evaluating your roles and you need to keep communicating. I know DH is a bit hurt that the baby 'doesn't love him like she loves me' but I also know their relationship will blossom as she gets older as it has with our sons. It's a tough old time but hang in there.

It's very sad but tbh expected if it took him two years to tell you he loved you! He doesn't sound very nice

Thanks, it's nice to know other people are going through it as well.

If he has limited experience with babies, he is probably very stressed and she can pick up on his stress.

Tell him he has to fake being calm (facial expression, tone of voice etc) in order to calm her.

Go out, leave them together and refuse to return until he has calmed her. When he has he will be more confident.