DH hasn't bonded with DD and doesnt seem to care.

[SellMySoulForSomeSleep]

DH has never been very lovey dovey with me. He isn't one to show love easily but I know he loves me. He is a bit of a old fashioned kind of guy really. It took a while to train him to do domestic things when we first moved in together as MIL used to do everything for him. It took him a couple of years to tell me he loves me and that was only after a bit of pushing from me. We have always been very independent and it has always worked well for us.

After we got married I said I was ready for kids but we decided to wait for a year to decide if it was right and do the things we wanted to do before baby.
DD is 4m old now and the last 4m has been very difficult.
I struggled for the first month to bond with her due to a horrendous birth and breast feeding experience but am completely besotted with her now.
DH doesn't seem to care about her at all and it's breaking my heart.

Examples: he won't hold her, kiss or cuddle her.
He will put her down if she cries.
He will do anything to avoid coming home and find "jobs" to do elsewhere.
I've left them together a few times and she is always hysterical when I return.
He constantly texts me and sends pictures of her crying when I'm away.

We are sleeping in separate rooms because he drives a huge wagon with very long hours so it isn't safe if he is tired. I see him for about 3 hours a day so we don't have much time together. DD always gurgles and smiles at him but as soon as she is sat with him she becomes un happy.
He is practical and will do the food shopping and tidy round if prompted but I have to ask for him to have her if I want a toilet break or a shower. And then he just plonks her in her seat. He gets really frustrated when she cries and doesn't seem to understand that it's a cycle of finding out what is wrong.

I've talked to him till I'm blue in the face telling him that I need a bit of engagement and help from him. I just feel that he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with us. People keep saying it will get better when she is on solids and he can help but i'm struggling to cope with the thought of at least 2 more months of feeling like this. I've started to go to the stage of quiet resentment as i'm so emotional about it all. I want him to if not love her at least be happy to spend time with her.

I don't know why I'm posting really. Any advice would be helpful. I'm just feeling very sorry for myself as I've had yet another Saturday feeling lonely because he has gone out for the day. I did ask if he wanted to spend the day with us and the answer was a straight "no"

How can he not care about her? She is the image of him and a fantastically well behaved baby. I just wish I knew what to say or do to sort out this situation.
Wow, that was long!

She's done that already and he texted the OP photos of the baby crying.

He can be very nice Dame, he is just a hard nut to crack. I just didn't expect that he would be as difficult to crack when it came to his DD.

Bakingtins just posted something very similar to what I was about to say, we are now onto dc2 (4 weeks today) & dh is much better than 1st time round but I still have to remind him to try various things (winding, nappy, moving around) before assuming ds's cry means he's hungry & therefore only I can settle him.

1st time round i never tried expressing milk & going out & leaving him to it for longer than 30min to walk the dogs, but this time round I have the offer of going horse riding when I feel up to it, so I'll be giving it a go...!

I know Dame, that's why I said refuse to return until she is calm. OP could also tell him not to text her guilt pictures or she could turn her phone off.

I have been with DH for 18 years and we have 3 children. Still now, if the baby cries, DH will automatically say, baby needs feeding. No, he doesn't. He needs burping, changing, entertainment, whatever, but not the only thIng that only I can do, which is breast feeding. He loves the baby, will hold him etc, but pretty much only for as long as I need to finish whatever I am doing (washing, toilet break, etc).
However with our older two, he is engaged and involved, he is just rubbish at babies. You'd have thought an experienced father and intelligent man could do better, but no.
Keep trying to involve him and keep having faith in him. Categorically say you need one hour of baby free time a week, he has her and has to deal with her. Phone off, no rescuing, close the door and go. It will be easier for him to look after her without an audience. Yes, they might both be crying by the time you return, but eventually his confidence will build up.

Do you own a sling? If so, could you get your DH to wear it and all go for a walk together? Hopefully your DD will enjoy it and maybe even drift off to sleep, and he'll see that there is a way he can soothe her by himself.

OK, I hate to be the voice of doom, but my dh was like this with #2 & it isn't getting better.

She is 6 now, and barely relates to him at all. Everything she needs, she comes to me for. When she is sick, she wants me. When she is hungry, she asks me for food. When she needs help, she asks me. She won't let him help with homework, she doesn't want him to read her a story. She doesn't want cuddles from him if she is unwell/hurt.

I have TRIED so bloody hard to get her to go to him, he IS wiling to help now, (since she was about 18mths he tried really hard with her) but she had so long being reliant almost entirely on me, that it's like she doesn't know any different. The times I retreat & he goes to her don't help. She will scream for me until I go (which I do as I don't need her yelling the house down). She is fine when I am not here, because she knows that no one can do it, but she won't settle in bed for him, staying awake until she falls asleep (through exhaustion), rather than just going to sleep.

He admits he didn't bond with her because she was more difficult than dd1, but because he left it so long & couldn't "fake it til he made it" she barely wants him.

Don't get me wrong, it is nothing worth us splitting up over, but carrying the burden of being the only person who she wants, is not as cute as it sounds.

You should sort this now, imo. Because believe me, being the only person she wants is cute/satisfying etc for a while but

After 2yrs it got very very old & very very exhausting!!
After 6, it just got completely resentful!

Go out, leave them together and refuse to return until he has calmed her. I really don't think this is a good idea. She is going to get stressed if he has no idea what he is doing & he is going to, too.

Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Sorry.

It's really traumatic for some men to see what women go through in childbirth. The focus is all on how hard a time the woman is having and basically dismissive that as far as the man is concerned her is watching someone die and unable to do anything about it. My DH didn't bond at all with DS and only did stuff to help out of love for me. I think it gets better once the helpless screaming breast dependent blob becomes more human, responds to stuff Dad can do like tickling. To help him bond, give her to him when you know she is fed, winded, clean etc. So that he can be helped to experience pleasure with her rather than just feeling useless and crap.

You say his life hasn't changed at all - why on earth not?? You are doing EVERYTHING and having to beg him to spend time with you as well? Woman find your anger! He is treating you with disrespect and contempt.

Whether or not he has bonded, he is a parent now and needs to step up. Do you ever get a lie in or a break?

It sounds to me like this man has difficulties tapping in to his love/empathy response for some reason. What was his childhood like? How loving and responsive were his parents? If he has an avoidant attachment style, either fearful or dismissive, this will affect how he bonds with his child. I don't think, from the way you describe him, this is simply a case of 'give him to end he will get the hang of it' I'm afraid. Sorry to be negative.

Just because he struggles to express himself does not make him a bad person! Maybe he feels a bit useless and surplus to requirements at the moment. Maybe his working extra hours to support you both is his way of trying to help out. Hard as it will be I would say give him more time to adjust. I am sure he will change when baby is a bit older.

I could have written your post three years ago when DS was born.

'He needs feeding/he needs you' were the standard responses when DH had him. It was SO tough you have so much love for the baby and it feels like they just don't care at all.

Fast forward three years and DH is a great dad, takes DS for days out, gets up in night if he calls out, etc etc.

I think he just struggled with his life being turned upside down and this boob dependent blob for which he was inferior to me in every way. Agree with the suggestion of giving him baby and leaving the room. My DH eventually admitted he hated the fact that I could 'do it' better than him and felt like I was telling him what to do if I made helpful suggestions

Huge sympathies it is so tough no real suggestions only hope that for me it did get better (we now have dc2!) and hopefully it will for you too

OP- constantly texting you photos of the baby crying when you're out is just awful, it doesn't matter if he's nice sometimes!

I know lots of men can be pretty clueless with babies and tend to come into their own with older children. But I tend to agree with Dame. He's not only clueless with your child but around the house and with you too OP by the sounds of it. Could it be that you're expecting something that is simply beyond him for whatever reason? Even if he's struggling to bond with your dd there are still lots of things he can do to support you. What does he actually do by way of supporting you, if not feeling able to help with his dd?

I'm very surprised at the sympathy posters are showing for your partner! Apart from anything else he is failing to support you - you say his life has hardly changed - well that makes him sound selfish and unkind. Where is his love for you in all of this?? Texting you pictures if the baby crying is really horrible .

My partner would do anything to soothe the baby If I was out - and not just for the baby but because he wants me to feel relaxed when I'm away getting a break from child care

Is your partner thinking of you and you needs? He sounds uncaring and selfish to me - and actually verging on cruel towards your baby

Male pnd my arse! What a cop out when you are exhausted and stressed and need his suppoet

He managed to settle her when i couldn't today and told me he loved me without me saying it first which is a big thing.
She has hardly slept at night in the last few days.

He does do things around the house. The kitchen was clean and the washing was out this morning. But if i need a break i have to get the grandparents round.
His family aren't overly affectionate but SIL is and she grew up in the same environment. He is very practical to the point that he can build things but if it's not logical it makes no sense.
I'm glad that there is some positive stories in this thread. It gives me hope!

People are being way too kind to him. He's suffering from your difficult birth? Wtf! What about you and the support you need from the difficult birth? He needs telling, by you, his parents and your parents, that he needs to stop being selfish. How can he harden his heart to his own lovely daughter?

His mum has told him repeatedly, I have as well. My Dad wants to but I don't want my parents to talk to him about it. His mum does help him see sense but it never lasts for long.

He texts you pictures of the baby crying, WTAF? That is not the actions of a loving partner and father.

I imagine you also didn't know how to settle your little one at some point. You had to learn. He also needs to learn this and is opting out. Tbh, it doesn't sound as if he cares about your baby or you.

I think I'd ask him to leave myself. I have no doubt you're worth more that this.

I honestly think he sounds like he's acting like a dick. If his mum feels the need to have a word it must be bad.

I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to help you and to stop pussyfooting round him. The fact he's not spending time with you is frankly just totally uncaring

Is he home in time to help with bath time?

It might be a good opportunity for him to step up as there is a logical order to things and an end goal. Sorry if he can already do this.

It could start off with him helping you, running the bath, getting the clothes out the drawer etc then you helping him while he holds the baby in the bath dresses the baby etc. you then move to him doing it with you in the other room, first few times you'll probably have to come running to fetch something he's forgotten or to help getting dd dressed etc, but soon he should be able to do it all and just call you for the final feed.

If not during the week then at the weekend? It means he can do the care, and you get a break.

I'm also baffled by the sympathy for your husband. Sending you photos of your crying child on your rare times away is emotionally manipulative and the result of learned male helplessness.

I think - from the way you characterise him as 'old-fashioned' and say you've 'had to train' him to undertake basic household tasks, and (from what it sounds) to express love to the person to whom he is married! -- you've both fallen into the trap of him following your lead/instructions on what he considers 'woman's stuff', be that childcare, expressing emotions, or housework.

I think you need to find some way of communicating to him that all you have that he hasn't is breasts, that you're just muddling along dealing with your small baby like everyone else - that possessing a vagina you pushed a baby out of doesn't magically give you baby skills. His relationship with his baby is his responsibility, and you can't help - he simply needs to spend more time with her in order to bond, and that involves just figuring out practical stuff like how to feed, change, bath and settle. It isn't optional - this is now just as much his job as driving lorries, and the consequences of simply failing to bond are as potentially terrible as falling asleep at the wheel.

You have done all of the emotional work in your relationship, as is very clear from your posts - you seem to think that interpreting him and getting through to him is your 'job'. Your baby can't do this. He needs to figure out how to forge the relationship with his child. It's not optional. He's created a life.

Lots of people find the small baby stage awful - I did myself. I couldn't breastfeed and was desperately guilty about it. But there was no one to 'protect' me from looking after my child, and allow me to get away with shrugging my shoulders and saying 'Oh, you do it, he's happier with you.'