9 YO bedtime routine- am I expecting too much?

[stoopstofolly]

DD (9) has asked to stay up a bit later. Until recently she was going to bed directly after DS (4) at about 7.30, and reading for a bit. She did need a lot of sleep...
Anyway, I was fine about the extra half hour BUT she's still insisting on keeping the same bedtime routine- bath (with parental assistance) plus being taken to her room, story, tucked in- basically the full parental bedtime involvement. DH and I both worth full time and this takes ages, as she likes to take her time- singing, playing in the bath, chatting etc. it means we're eating later and later and getting less and less time in the evening.

At 9 yo what do other people do? I've suggested that she sorts out her own bath while DH and I cook our diner/ catch up, and we'd then come and tuck her in/ say goodnight, but she gets cross about this- she seems to want the same treatment as the 4 yo, with the bonus of a later bedtime.

Is 9 too young for this? What do other people do? By the time she's faffed around its often gone 8 and I haven't sat down or started cooking diner for us. However, is it unreasonable to ask her to manage her own bath, go to her room, get into PJs and then have us come and tuck her in? Is 9 too young?
Genuinely don't know- my parents both worked long hours when I was growing up, and I was very independent from an early age, so I don't know if I'm expecting too much from her or being unkind....

We expect our 8 year old to sort her own bath (or shower) - though we do help with hair washing, and get into her PJs, brush her teeth etc.

She still gets a story, chat with mum/dad and snuggle goodnight in bed. She could cope without the story etc (and does when she has late after school clubs), but tbh we enjoy doing it, she likes it and (we also both work full time) it's a nice bit of quality time before she goes to bed.

I'm happy to keep on with the tucking in, getting out school clothes, last cuddle etc... I'd do a story as well, except she's a very good independent reader now, and says I'm too slow
However I should have mentioned the bath/ teeth/ faffing can take up to 40 minutes, which seems a long time.....

My DSD is 10 now but was bathing alone from around 7.5 years old. We would run bath, she would do her thing and then dry herself and put PJs on. Now she showers instead. She always gets reading before sleep - either she reads to us once tucked up or we read to her from whatever book she is reading at the time.

Her bedtime is currently 8.30pm but I think it should be 8pm on school nights as she needs the sleep.

Do you think your DD is jealous of her little brother being bathed and babied? Does she need a bath every single night? Would she consider a shower? Could you give her the slightly later bedtime but start the routine much earlier?

Sorry, should have said, aged around 7-9, DSD would start bath earlier so bedtime was always the same. Bath, teeth, PJs and reading all in around 40 mins.

Now she does try to faff around but usually goes from 'it's bedtime DSD' to lights out in 20 mins.

DS is 9 and finds showering easier now he's doing the washing and stretch brushing bits by himself. Still needs a bedtime story... I will miss that when he longer wants one (is that when they are 18 yrs old?...)

Dd1 gets told to go to bed at 7.30 PM. She stays up and reads, listens to stories etc lights out 8.30pm with a kiss/cuddle good night.

She is expected to brush her own teeth, by herself get ready herself etc

Will have a shower in the morning herself and get ready fir school.

I work ft and have two other younger children though.

Both DDs would have sorted themselves out at 9. Although they probably only showered 2-3 times a week and I might have been asked to check hair for bubbles.

DD2 would corner an adult, usually DH to read to her if at all possible, but he'd most often have eaten.

But then, I've never ever had a child in bed by 7.30pm even as toddlers it was 8 and by 9 it was 9ish. Guides, scouts etc don't finish until 8/9pm so by the time DD1 was 10 any semblance of small child bedtime for DD2 went out the window.

Why don't you all have dinner at say 7pm before bedtimes? Youngest can be in pjs and eat then quick story and bed, and eldest get ready alone whilst you do that and then story . Then by 8.30pm they are both in bed and you have all eaten

Yes we all eat together

My 9 yo gets himself showered and changed about 7pm. Then in bed by 7.30 reading a book by himself. He brushes his teeth himself and I just give him a kiss and say goodnight at 8.30

My 9yo sorts her own bath out at around 7.30, gets into her pyjamas and reads in bed. I go up at around 8ish, she reads a bit of her book to me then we say goodnight. She is allowed to carry on reading until 8.30pm, though she is never asleep before 9.30 - she doesn't seem to need much sleep.

MeridianB- you make a food point- I was wondering about her being jealous of her younger brother... I have pointed out that she had just the same attention when she was his age as he's getting now (in fact, as PFB, probably more!) but I don't think she remembers or "feels" this emotionally. I know it was a big shock for a five year old to suddenly get a younger brother (bit of a shock for her 40+mum as well!) and I have tried to be supportive, but from reading people's responses, it looks like I should be expecting a bit more independence from her.

To be clear, I'm not advocating waving her off to get ready for bed at 7.30 and then not seeing her until the morning- I still want to tuck her in, have a cuddle etc, just not sit in the bathroom for 30 mins while she works her way through a medley of songs from Frozen whilst leisurely soaping her toes!

She's coming to get ready for bed about 7.30, faffing until gone 8 and then reading until8.30 which is the latest I let her stay up.

Food for thought....

You do realise it's not against the law if your child doesn't have a bath every night?

My 6yo can do teeth, hair, shower by herself. Usually I sit with her and chat during / after shower but if for some reason I can't then she does all of that and calls me when she's in bed ready for a cuddle and a chat.

I do her teeth in the morning to make sure they're done properly once a day, and also put her hair up as she can't manage that by herself.

Trust me Puppy- I have tried to not do bath time every night! I think the problem is that I started doing it when both were babies as a way of settling them and getting them into a routine... Now any suggestion of "no bath" is met with incredulity! They also seem to take a lot longer to go to sleep without the usual routine being followed, so I've just gone with it. TBH I didn't expect to still be doing it 9+ years later...

When mine were 9 with didn't bother with a bath at bedtime. They went upstairs and got into PJs, did teeth etc and then I'd sit on the edge of the bed and we'd sit and chat for a while about whatever they wanted to chat about for a while and then I'd come downstairs and chat with DH while they read until they fell asleep - they could turn their light out from in bed so they'd do that when they were ready, usually after 15 minutes.

You have a five year gap between DCs (so do I) so this needs to be taken into account. You mention that you both work full time so that means the only time DD gets with you are a few precious moments around bath and bed.

Maybe you and OH could take turns to prepare evening meal whilst one of you runs DDs bath. At nine she should be able to wash herself, get a timer and set it for a reasonable soak time - say 15 mins. Story time - I'm torn- yes she can read her own book but I enjoy reading to my DC so your choice.

Blot- sounds good! Do they have showers in the morning?

Penfold- after getting quietly frustrated with reading to her I then found that when she chose to read herself that I was really sad and missed it! I still insist on reading to her at weekends- she humours me but I don't think I've got long left. Fortunately DS still like a story. However, his books are a lot less fun!

I work locally and have good hours, so I'm home for 5.30 ish, so she still gets time with me, although less with DH.

I think she's just quite resistant to change- thinking about it, she likes a routine even down to having the same bowl at breakfast! I might try bringing in some changes slowly- doing some jobs upstairs while she's in the bath so I'm around but not actively with her, and then take it from there....

So now is the time to stop doing the bath. Start a new routine. You have to at some point. Otherwise every adult would still be insisting on a bath every night. And the worlds water supply would be completely depleted.

She's 9 . She needs to cope with just going to bed now.

my dd is 9.

We eat as a family at 6pm, so the food thing isn't an issue for us. I wonder if it is time for you to think about a family meal, which takes the stress out of bedtime? You could even do it so your youngest has early bath and eats in pjs. This would mean that once dd has her light out, the evening is free.

My dd has a bath/shower herself, but needs help when washing her hair.
She then gets herself into bed, while I do bedtime story for dd2.

Sometimes she reads for 20 minutes and then one of us comes up and puts out the light/tucks her in.
Sometimes I read to her, as she still likes that cosy mum time cuddled up on bed reading.
Her lights out is 8:15.

ds is 2 year solder and when he finally went to only reading to himself, he did say her really missed the 1-2-1 cuddle time, so we invented a Friday night ds time.

Deep down I know it's a bit silly, and I should be sterner. I'm just rubbish at it. The comment about me working FT also made me think- I do feel persistent, irrational guilt that neither DH or I can pick her up from school etc, and I wonder if I'm overcompensating. In fact, I'm fairly certain I'm overcompensating (DM has been vocal on the subject to me previously!) I think I instagated this thread to give myself the giant kick up the arse I need. In the long run, it won't do DD any favours.

I would swap to a morning shower instead, and 30 minutes one to one with a parent before bed.

Or they could bath together? I have a similar qge gap and I think mine were still bathing together. Then one parent took the younger one off to bed, the other parent did something specifically designed for older ones (in my dd's case, usually something crafty) then that child went to bed, and both parents flung themselves at the wine bottle.

It's important (although difficult) to remember that this is only a very tiny piece of life- it will be gone before you can blink.

Steppemum- DH comes home at about 7.30 so family mealtimes not possible. I could eat with the children (DH happy to fend for himself) but DD has a medical condition which means she needs to eat little and often, so childminder feeds them about 5.00 and then she has a small snack before bed. She couldn't last any longer I'm afraid.

We eat as a family at weekends when later mornings and later lunches mean we can push things until 6, but it doesn't impact her need then for a full on bath time!

Perhaps you should go through the whole bedtime routine on same schedule as you have been, but she gets to stay up reading for the extra half hour?

Our son eats with us (6 pm, but sometimes as late as 7) and then gets ready for bed, he is up until 8:30.