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Parenting

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Original poster

9 YO bedtime routine- am I expecting too much?

50 replies

stoopstofolly · 12/10/2014 19:39

DD (9) has asked to stay up a bit later. Until recently she was going to bed directly after DS (4) at about 7.30, and reading for a bit. She did need a lot of sleep...
Anyway, I was fine about the extra half hour BUT she's still insisting on keeping the same bedtime routine- bath (with parental assistance) plus being taken to her room, story, tucked in- basically the full parental bedtime involvement. DH and I both worth full time and this takes ages, as she likes to take her time- singing, playing in the bath, chatting etc. it means we're eating later and later and getting less and less time in the evening.

At 9 yo what do other people do? I've suggested that she sorts out her own bath while DH and I cook our diner/ catch up, and we'd then come and tuck her in/ say goodnight, but she gets cross about this- she seems to want the same treatment as the 4 yo, with the bonus of a later bedtime.

Is 9 too young for this? What do other people do? By the time she's faffed around its often gone 8 and I haven't sat down or started cooking diner for us. However, is it unreasonable to ask her to manage her own bath, go to her room, get into PJs and then have us come and tuck her in? Is 9 too young?
Genuinely don't know- my parents both worked long hours when I was growing up, and I was very independent from an early age, so I don't know if I'm expecting too much from her or being unkind....

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Original poster

stoopstofolly · 12/10/2014 22:05

Hakluyt- rationally I know it won't be for long in the great scheme of things- although with the big age gap, I could be looking at another five years of this!
However, DS, without the burden if being PFB is already showing signs of being a lot more independent.... I need to remember this thread when he's about 7/8 and start managing things earlier!

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catnipkitty · 12/10/2014 22:05

9 year old twin girls both do their own showers, hair washing, teeth brushing etc with a bit of 'chivvying along' from us but no direct involvement. They go to bed about 8pm ad read until 8.30pm.
We eat as a family at about 5pm.

Original poster

stoopstofolly · 12/10/2014 22:08

You've all been lovely. I shall start my cautious, tentative move towards bath time freedom (or even NO BATH AT ALL) with a gradual distancing of myself. No sudden movements though!

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SoonToBeSix · 12/10/2014 22:08

By nine my dc didn't have a routine, they just went to bed.

ChippingInLatteLover · 12/10/2014 22:17

It's another one of those situations that when you are in the middle of it, it's frustrating and feels like it's gone on forever, but from the outside looking in, it looks different :)

So, given the non stressed outside of it outlook I have I would allow her to have what she needs - a pre bed, relaxing time with one of her parents giving her some attention :) Take it in turns with DH. You know, it wont be long before she doesn't want this anymore and you'll be wishing she wanted you to sit and chat while she leisurely soaps her toes. You could get in the bath with her on your nights?! Put lovely clean PJ's on, make it part of your relaxing evening?!

Mmmfishandchips · 12/10/2014 22:17

Sounds like she is doing her best to spend time with you without her younger sibling around. As pp have said try having your evening meal together,. and that might help to give her some attention

Also be aware that as your children get older you'll get less time on your own with your partner, older kids just dont go to bed as early as you want them to and they often hang around cluttering up the place till the early hours.
It's a funny feeling when you first have your bedtime before theirs.

Jollyphonics · 12/10/2014 22:31

I have a 9 year old and a 5 year old. They have tea together, then go up for bath together at around 6pm. They have a bath, then generally lark around for a bit while I shut the curtains, get pyjamas out etc. I read them stories separately, but quite often whoever is having the second "shift" will listen to the first one until its his turn. Stories all finished at 7.30. DS1 is allowed to then read to himself for a bit longer if he wants to, but invariably he chooses not to as he's too tired (he wakes very early).
I don't think you need to phase out baths (I think a daily proper wash is a good thing actually, despite the MN dislike of it - especially as kids approach sweaty puberty) - but I would aim to reduce the time spent in the bath. Just explain that you have things to do in the evening, and whilst she is welcome to stay up a bit later, your input will be at the "old" time, and her extra awake time can come after that.

Jollyphonics · 12/10/2014 22:37

I find it quite sad to read how many people just dispatch their kids to bed, without a pre bed chat. Even once they're past the bedtime story stage, I think it's still nice for kids to have that final quiet chat with parents. It's also the time when they're likely to talk about problems they may be having. I remember, at age 10, having my first period. I didn't want to talk about it in front of my brother, and the house was always busy with comings and goings, so I finally told my Mum as she tucked me into bed that night. That undisturbed time is important I think.

SoonToBeSix · 12/10/2014 22:37

Is it common to read to children when they can read proper books alone?

Bluestocking · 12/10/2014 22:43

I still read to my DS most nights - he's ten and a half and a perfectly competent reader. It's just nice to have a cuddle and a bit of quiet relaxed time together at the end of the day.

CaurnieBred · 12/10/2014 22:46

DD goes up around 8pm after brushing and plaiting her own hair, cleans teeth and gets into bed. She then calls to DH and I to go up for snuggles: sometimes it is just a kiss and a hug and sometimes I get in beside her for proper snuggles and a chat.

Hurr1cane · 12/10/2014 22:54

I'm not completely sure because my 8 year old has severe learning disabilities but...

He has a bath every night and every morning, he's still in nappies and he gets sore if not bathed properly as he poos a lot and has very sensitive skin so needs a medicated bath and then medicated cream.

Anyway, he runs his own bath (at his insistence), gets himself undressed with some help and puts his own clothes in the wash basket and his own nappy in the bin. I check the temperature and then get him in, brush his teeth and wash his hair and give him his medicines and a tippy cup with milk in to enjoy in the bath (at his insistence, but weird but each to their own)

I then leave him in the bath to have a little sing while I sort some bits out upstairs while I can still see him

I dry him and do his cream and nappy, then he gets his own PJs on (only recently but he's very proud of that) then he gets himself into bed, I read him a story and then he plays on his iPad for the rest of the night and doesn't sleep.

(It's not the iPads fault, he doesn't sleep when it's off either, he just doesn't need as much sleep as other humans because he has some sort o f super energy)

So I think he is now pretty independent, and mentally only 3 years old.

mineofuselessinformation · 12/10/2014 23:02

Would a compromise be to get her to have a bath while you're putting your younger one to bed, then you do cuddles etc?

BlotOnTheLandscape · 13/10/2014 05:12

Stoops, yes, or a bath. I wake early anyway so I do the bath and one goes in while I chat to the other. The only fly in the ointment I'd making sure I get one to one time with my eldest, that rarely happens :(

TheBogQueen · 13/10/2014 08:17

I find it quite sad to read how many people just dispatch their kids to bed, without a pre bed chat

I don't think anyone has said they do that.

MeridianB · 13/10/2014 08:17

Stoops, you may also find things change on their own as she feels the need for privacy.

I can't remember the exact age this happened with DSD but definitely by 8 she wanted to bath alone and change alone. We're not even allowed to help her put sun block on to shoulders now!

toptomatoes · 13/10/2014 08:29

My 8 year old still baths with his siblings at 6 then he reads a few pages to us and we read a few pagesto him then he is allowed to come down to have toast and milk while we get the younger ones to bed and is sent up at 8 to do his teeth, organise his teddies etc then we tuck him in and he reads til 8.30 when he has to turn.out his light. He's an excellent reader but he still likes us to listen to him and read to him. When he wants his privacy, we will let him bath on his own after we have bathed the little ones.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 13/10/2014 08:39

I'd say getting into bed time is fixed (at whatever time, for example 8.15pm). So if she wants a 40 min bath she needs to go upstairs 45 mins before that, or she can stay downstairs longer and have a 5 minute shower - her choice.

My 9 and 7 yo still like somebody upstairs when they bath or shower, but don't always get that - they can bath or shower alone. Again make hit her choice - if she wants you or do there the entire duration it has to be earlier/ briefer.

I'd still go up and "do bedtime" after bath/ shower though. My 9 year old still gets read-to (a whole blimin' chapter of Malary Towers atm) but she is bilingual and tends to read to herself in German, so I have an extra motive there, to keep her English where it should be. She also goes to bed at the same time as her younger brothers, as she has the most trouble getting up in the morning so needs to!

redskybynight · 13/10/2014 08:51

If your DD thinks you read too slowly, would she like to read to you instead? (actually doesn't your school insist on this - ours does!)

Dwerf · 13/10/2014 08:53

I'd go with "are you old enough to go to bed at that later time? I mean, I'm not sure you're grown up enough, maybe you could prove you're grown up enough by sorting your own bath out, then I'd know you were grown up enough to go to bed later..."

or the very blunt "look pal, sweetie, my darling; I love you, I love spending time with you, but I need to be able to sit down at x time and relax, because otherwise I'm going to be too knackered to have any time with anyone. And before I can sit down, me and your dad need to eat. If you sort your own bath, then you can go to bed later and that's the compromise. It's up to you."

Original poster

stoopstofolly · 13/10/2014 10:09

I went into work later today and walked her to school and we had a long chat. Apparently she was taking so long because she wasn't sleepy with the early bedtime, so wanted to draw things out. I explained that we were having the earlier bedtime because she took so long to get ready! We both felt a bit daft.

We've devised a timeline that she's going to be responsible for managing:

needs to be upstairs having a bath or making moves towards bed by 7.15 pm.
she can spend as long as she wants in the bath/ chatting to me as I do jobs upstairs but she can't expect full parental attention
after bath she gets into PJs, hang up clothes, get uniform out, then calls DH or me for tuck in and story if she wants (Sat and Sun she gets read to regardless!). She knows we eat at 8.00 pm so if she wants a long chat/ snuggle she needs to get a bit of a move on!
she can read until 8.15 (she's negotiated 8.30 if the book is "really good and she hasn't finished her chapter"!) then she turns her light off without being told.

She's excited to manage her own time, and I'm hoping I won't have to be shouty mum nagging her to do things and hurry up.

Fingers crossed!

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ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 13/10/2014 10:17

I have a ten year old and a six year old. I still tuck both in! I don't help with showers though....my youngest has a bath and then goes for her story and chill with a book....then whilst she's doing that, I tell my older one to have a bath or shower...if needed...then when she's done that, she goes to read for a bit...they share a room so read together....then lights out.

On weekends my older DD is allowed to stay up later to watch Dr Who and the littlest is in bed at a pretty ordinary time...maybe half an hour later.

OldBeanbagz · 13/10/2014 13:07

My 9yo DS has been putting himself to bed for over a year but we don't insist on a bath every night.

On the nights he does have a bath, i run it for him and leave him to wash himself (including his hair). Then i give him a shout when he needs to get out and he dries himself/puts PJs on.

At bedtime he cleans his own teeth and takes himself off to bed. We don't do bedtime stories (as we read earlier in the evening) and he doesn't normally want tucking in though i will generally pop in to see him once he's in bed.

His bedtime is generally 9pm (the same as my 12yo DD) and we all eat dinner together around 7pm.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 13/10/2014 13:10

Sounds a good plan. I'm guessing you'll find you end up going up at 9pm when you've eaten, to give her a kiss and turn the light out.

Kewcumber · 13/10/2014 13:18

DS is 9 in November and runs his own bath. We compromise in that I will go upstairs and potter around whilst he having a bath so he can talk to me if he wants to. He doesn't have a bath every day - sometimes a shower and sometimes nothing.

He then does his reading to me in my bed (he has a high sleeper and I'm really not getting up on that) and we have a chat and in theory he's in bed at 8.30 though to be honest more likely 9pm!

He doesn;t get tucked in (see previous high sleeper comment) but I always kiss him good night and will turn his light off.

I don;t get to eat until 9.30 ish but I eat with him earlier and snack later.

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