Oh help -dh wants another one!!

[Inboxer]

Sil (dh's sister) has recently had a baby and now dh has confessed he feels our family is incomplete and doesn't want to write off having another. I'm 37 and we have one dd who's 2.5. I was a bit taken aback as he never seemed that bothered about having another.

It took him a long time for him to convince me to have a child in the first place but in the end I didn't want him to have any regrets about choosing me and ending up childless. I love dd to bits but it's been the hardest time of my life - I have found it lonely and difficult especially after having to give up my job and become a SAHM. She has changed me a lot for the better but at the same time I do cry a lot. She's high maintenance - like having six children in one!! I often feel overwhelmed and exhausted.

Now I feel really really anxious that I might have to do it all again. I'm terrified of pregnancy and childbirth especially of miscarriage or of me dying in childbirth and dd being motherless. I feel sick of the thought of having two children to look after largely by myself and having all the stresses that come with having a baby. Yet dd is painfully shy and maybe she needs a sibling.

I don't know what to do, I want dh to be happy but I just can't face it all again.

Oh dear OP, I feel for you. I know how you are feeling, I'm 28 and my DS is 5 months old. DH has been nagging at me for at least 5 years to have a baby and like you I adore him but have found it incredibly hard. Like you, I think the change is massive and our DPs forget this.

I don't really have any advice for you OP but I just wanted to give you some moral support.

At the end of the day it's your body and if you really can't face it you shouldn't force yourself because it may just cause you to resent your DH. I do think you need to be very bluntly honest and frank with him though. I'm sorry that I don't have any better advice for you but I hope that things resolve themselves

Your post is crystal clear. You can't face it. You feel sick at the thought. While you feel like this, please don't let anyone talk you into another pregnancy.

Have you been this honest with DH? you must.

Errmm, have you sought help for anxiety? It kind of reads as if you had a baby and then freaked out a little.

Trust me, your daughter is NOTHING like having 6 children.

Whole what an unkind response. Some people manage cheerfully with six children. Some people struggle with one. In that sense, you have NO IDEA what OP's experience of her child is.

There is no virtue in either one, it's just life.

Totally unhelpful Whole.

I think you need to talk to your DH.if you are going to be doing the majority of the childcare (and obviously carry the baby) then he needs to understand why 2 might not be an option. Good luck!

OP it sounds like you need a lot more support than you are getting, regardless of having no.2 or not! You may even be suffering from undiagnosed PND that is dragging on due to not being dealt with. Baby's and toddlers are incredibly hard work and very draining, and yes can make you feel completely lonely and isolated if the support networks aren't in place.

I think you need to address your current situation before you even have the no.2 conversation, and you need to be very honest with your DH.

Having a second will certainly not make your current situation easier, but you may find that down the line having 2 is in some ways less intense than 1 as they will play together rather than expecting Mummy to be part of all their games.

Good luck and big hugs, you really sound like you are having a tough time xx

Leaving aside entirely for one moment the question of another child, have you talked to someone about the way you are feeling? There seem to be some red flags there for possible untreated PND (which absolutely can carry on for years after birth if nothing is done about it).

You deserve to be happy and not overwhelmed or permanently exhausted, and I think that needs to be a higher priority for both you and your DH than making a decision about another child. Do you have options for getting back to work, if that's what you'd feel happier doing?

If you don't want another child don't have one. It's not something you can compromise on.

It sounds like you need more help with your current child before even thinking about this decision though. How much does your dh do in terms of childcare? Are you still a SAHm and is there any way you could change that if it's making you miserable? Would dh be willing to become a sahd to take care of a second child?

Don't feel guilty about saying no, your feelings are very clear in your post, maybe show it to dh if you struggle to say these things to him?

Thanks all for your replies. I was expecting a lot more responses telling me to just pull myself together so thank you for being kind.

Interesting comments about the PND. I was asked by the health visitor (in front of my mum and dh) on her first visit if I was feeling depressed. I said no because I didn't know what else to say and was never asked again. I'm not sure if my feelings are bad enough to be classed as depression. I just find motherhood quite hard work and I look with awe at women who have 3 or 4 children and never look flustered.

I think we are just all different. I adore my dd and wouldn't be without her but I rarely get to go off duty. Relatives visit for a couple of hours but both my dad and my fil have had serious illness to deal with these past couple of years so I haven't felt able to ask mum and mil for too much help. I envy dh as he can do all his hobbies without giving childcare a second thought whereas whenever I've tried to do anything like studying or volunteering it's just been impossible. We really struggle on one wage but it has to be his wage as he earns double what I can. My wage would not cover childcare. Realistically I will have to wait until dd is at school before it can return to work properly.

I haven't had the chance to talk to dh properly yet but you're right I need to be honest. He would never pressure me but just knowing that he's going to be disappointed is upsetting for me.

It's a hard one when you want different things but I can't help how I feel. It felt like I had climbed a mountain and was just starting to enjoy a sense of achievement a do admire the view when I found out I had to climb another one!!

Well there's one problem right there. Why does he get to go off and do all his hobbies while it's impossible for you do anything? Everybody needs time for themselves - he needs to sort that out before even asking you to do it again.
But ultimately, if you don't want to do it again then don't. If you're the one making all the sacrifices then you get the final say - if he wants it badly enough then he needs to make some pretty big changes I'd say.

'His hobbies' sound like part of the problem. You can't be expected to be on duty 24/7 while he gets to flounce off with his mates after work. No wonder you feel worn down.

I think how you share out the responsibilities of childcare makes all the difference.
I really wanted children, but was still overwhelmed when we finally brought ds home from the hospital. I remember a few days or weeks in, just standing in the kitchen sobbing at the prospect of never again being able to pop out for a pint of milk, or to a friend's house, without a military operation of planning and expressing and changing bags and so forth. I felt trapped and hysterical.
Dh took ds off me (he'd just been fed) and gently pushed me out of the front door to go and do something, anything, just for me. I went. Not for long - an hour tops, but I realised that it wasn't solely my responsibility to care for ds and that made all the difference. We boxed and coxed with childcare all the way through, shared out lie-ins, got ds (and later dd) to take bottles now and again so dh could do the night feeds once a week for me to sleep through and so on.
Ds is now 18, and has just left for university. I still have dd at home (thank God) and I look back on those days fondly and with nostalgia.

You need to talk to your dh at length and explain how you feel. If he's not stepping up to the plate then he needs to. You might perhaps then find that the prospect of having another doesn't seem so daunting. Or you might still decide 'no.' But tell him how you feel.

Good luck.

Why does his 'disappointment' get to outweigh your feeling 'lonely, overwhelmed, sick, envious, having to climb a mountain'?

(Clue: it doesn't.)

So he wants a second child to play with when he's in the mood but he takes no responsibility for childcare and continues with all of his hobbies. Hmmm. You and he should be getting equal time off - at the moment it sounds like he gets loads and you get none. No wonder you are so worn down. I would discuss the issue of time off before anything else.

You are the one who has to sacrifice your body to pregnancy and childbirth. Therefore you get the deciding vote on any children. You, not your DH.
You need to sit down and tell him how you feel, honestly. At the very least he needs to parent your current child. You DD is as much his responsibility as she is yours. He should be caring for her and allowing you to have time for yourself.
Definitely do not have a another child if you do not want it, that's not fair on you or the child.

Show him this thread.

Errr..... Why in god's name does he get to have hobbies and you never get any time off to do what you want?

Ok so for financial reasons he works and you don't. Shame, as I think you'd prefer being a working mum, but if you don't earn enough I guess there's not really a choice on that... BUT he should still be doing at least 50% in the evenings, mornings and weekends, any time he's not at work basically.

Until that is sorted then a second child would be WAY off the agenda. (And of course you don't have to have a second even if he does get his act together and start doing his share).

Indeed - wow, seriously not on for him to go off on his hobbies and you not getting just as much chance to get out.

Children are utterly exhausting, you need to have time without them and a bit of time for yourself.

Actually the view where I live (the NL) is that you are a much much better parent if you are able to take a little bit of time for yourself. This to the point that actually, occasionally days out are funded for single mothers who have little help with the childcare. These are people who are struggling for food and for clothing - 3 sets of 2nd hand clothing per child for the summer, 3 for the winter. They've found that parents who get a break now and then are much more effective parents and that is reflected in the kids.

That will apply just as much to you! You've given up work and had a baby. You need that time off.

Thanks guys. He does pull his weight round the house and does look after dd a lot when he's here. It's just that he goes to watch the football a lot and they do lots of weekday evening matches too which is frustrating. He just won't compromise on that - he has to go to every home match with his dad. Then there's darts every Tuesday evening (he's on a team), his allotment which takes a few hours a week and tennis in the summer too. This is all stuff he's been doing for years so it's very hard to suggest he gives any of it up. He is not opposed to me doing something for myself but he doesn't realise how hard it is to fit around his stuff. Unfortunately the local Zumba class clashes with his darts and weekends are difficult with the football and his shift work. I think you're right that it would make me a better parent to get a break but it's logistically such a headache!!!

I feel guilty about dd being an only child but I do think every child should be wanted. I think I will say to him that something has to give if he expects me to look after two.

OP I'm in the same position as you, and the climbing the mountain metaphors- I love it! That's exactly how I feel, I know I'm an ok mum to one, I would be a rubbish mum to two. But my DH spends an hour in the evening, and the weekend when we are together with our DS, then thinks this parenting thing is easy, shall we have another? Ha!
I had the coil fitted recently and that's in for 5 years so I said he can ask me again then, by which time I will be too old and hopefully he will have forgotten about it. But in all seriousness I have had a few deep honest conversations where I have said, I really don't want any more honey if you want more, maybe I'm not the one for you? Not easy but it's honest.

Also I have mentioned that if we were to have another he would have to take the paternity and take the time off and I would go back to work, yes I earn less, yes I would be returning soon after labour, but if he 'desperately wants another child' then I won't deny him of that. The difficult thing is my DH said ok, I'm up for that. Damn it! What does your husband want more? good wages, hobbies, lad time or another baby? Say you could eventually be convinced to have another but you would have to live off your salary for a year and he would have to be a SAHD. We HAVE to get pregnant and give birth, we do not HAVE to be the main carer, this is 2014!
X

No, Inboxer, something has to give now. If he wants to bugger off to the football or darts on your share of the evenings off, he gets a babysitter.

Jesus I would be FURIOUS if my DH thought he could carry on doing all of that when he had a child. Especially if the child was more his idea than mine!

It's like he likes the idea of having a family but doesn't actually want his life to change in any way as a result.

This is all stuff he's been doing for years so it's very hard to suggest he gives any of it up No it really isn't. He has a child now. It is normal for people's lives to change completely when they have a child.

I am so for you.

No wonder he is keen to have a second child -- having the first has had almost no effect on his lifestyle. Yours, on the other hand has been turned upside down and inside out then fed through a wringer.

Things that you used to do for years and didn't want to give up, by the sound of it:
Having a job
Having free time
Having someone else bloody well consider you a full human being.

Get angry, Inboxer. Or stick a picture of him his favourite football team on the wall and throw darts at it...