Oh help -dh wants another one!!

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Sil (dh's sister) has recently had a baby and now dh has confessed he feels our family is incomplete and doesn't want to write off having another. I'm 37 and we have one dd who's 2.5. I was a bit taken aback as he never seemed that bothered about having another.

It took him a long time for him to convince me to have a child in the first place but in the end I didn't want him to have any regrets about choosing me and ending up childless. I love dd to bits but it's been the hardest time of my life - I have found it lonely and difficult especially after having to give up my job and become a SAHM. She has changed me a lot for the better but at the same time I do cry a lot. She's high maintenance - like having six children in one!! I often feel overwhelmed and exhausted.

Now I feel really really anxious that I might have to do it all again. I'm terrified of pregnancy and childbirth especially of miscarriage or of me dying in childbirth and dd being motherless. I feel sick of the thought of having two children to look after largely by myself and having all the stresses that come with having a baby. Yet dd is painfully shy and maybe she needs a sibling.

I don't know what to do, I want dh to be happy but I just can't face it all again.

Sod 'making DH happier', he sounds happy enough already to me.

"he doesn't realise how hard it is to fit around his stuff"

He chooses not to realise, because then he doesn't have to either (a) disrupt his cosy existence or (b) face up to his own selfishness. If he gave it a moment's serious thought then it would be obvious how hard it is to fit in around his stuff.

Do not have another child with this man.

He is not opposed to me doing something for myself thats big of him!

Decide what you're doing every week then tell him the childcare is his responsibility to sort.

Thanks for all your responses - especially yours Millie which really resonated. Look he's not the enemy - he's a very doting dad who does lots with his daughter but yes it's certainly true that having another child would be a different experience for me than it would for him. You've all given me a bit more confidence to say how I feel and I think I will be telling him that if he's prepared to give up his footy etc. then I might consider it!! That will mean it's safely off the cards!!!

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

No-one's saying he's the enemy or that he doesn't love his daughter!

We're just that he's not being fair in terms of both of you getting equal time off. This doesn't make him evil - but it does need addressing given that you're not happy with the current situation (your original post makes it clear you're finding it pretty tough). A bit more time off, or even more time where two of you are looking after DD together rather than you on your own, could make the world of difference to you I think.

And I'd still say that you need that time off now, not in exchange for burdening yourself with another child.

And I'd still say that you need that time off now

He's a very doting dad who does lots with his daughter when it fits around his other commitments . You're a very doting mum who does lots with your daughter and has had to give up or rejig all her other commitments to accommodate that .

That doesn't make him the enemy, but the two of you are in very different positions and he could start by recognising that.

So he is unable to give up any of his hobbies which are taking close to 10-15 hours a week and expects you to do everything during those hours?
How about him taking your dd to the allotment when he goes there?

Most parents have to sacrifice some of their hobbies to help the other parent.

I would insist on a day to myself when his team plays away. Even if this is just to catch up with sleep and read a book. You need to have time to unwind.

He is not the enemy I don't doubt he is a loving dad. But don't you see how horribly selfish he is being? Why is your life turned upside down by a dd and his completely unaffected? You have had to give up everything from your old life and yet you think it would be too hard to ask him to give up just one thing.

You sounded really unhappy in your op. To most of us on this thread, there is a clear link between his behaviour and your unhappiness.

Just a couple of points...

1. Even if working only makes you break even, it can still make it worthwhile for many reasons, namely; keeping in employment, your sanity, pension contributions
2. You need downtime from your childcare 'job' just like DH needs his downtime from his 'job' - it sound as though it needs to be structured. Paying for childcare isn't a sole responsibility for you to take care of!

When on maternity leave, I really resented DH being out the house for 11/12 hours a day then coming home, turning round and back out for rugby training and all afternoon on a Saturday. I would regularly leave them to it on a Saturday morning, including going blonde so I could have 3 hours in the hairdressers every 8 weeks or so!

This isn't such an issue now I work. I really cherish the time with DS. I envy women that are happy as SAHM, they must be so patient but being a working parent really works for me and makes me a better parent when I'm with DS.

Those first 6 months were very tough on me and I can't see that we'll have any more children. I also didn't have any major support and whilst we got through it, I wouldn't want to repeat it. DH would like more but appreciates that it didn't bring out the best in me. We are very happy as a family of 3 and upsetting the balance would need a lot of consideration and courage, quite frankly.

Hmmm... if darts "clashes" with zumba, there's an easy, no reorgsnisation way for you to get your own hobby! I bet he hasn't even suggested this easy swap!

The problem is that he's booked up all the "free" time, which ought to belong to both of you!

There's no way you should be having another baby in these circumstances

My ex was like this, he complained that I was depressed and miserable, yet booked up all the free time going out and I was left at home.

Looking back now not having a break had an enormous effect on my mental health.

I do feel for you OP.

After having a baby with DP (I already have 2 from a previous relationship) I struggled, really struggled, he only got the good bits though, I watch bitterly as he got to kiss us all goodbye every morning and walk to the job he loves while I would be stuck with nappies, teething, housework.

He was desperate for another, I sat down and made a list of all the things I'd need to change before considering it. He was happy to make the compromises so we're having another but I have also said that during my ELCS (for which he will be providing the after care at home) I will be getting sterilised so we're both secure in the knowledge that this WILL be the last for our relationship.

I hope you find a way to make it work however you proceed.

Re-reading your OP I am struck by how you are so desperate to make your DH happy; you are also (of course) desperate to make your dd happy. What about what would make you happy? You don't seem to think that is so important. It is.

Op, it's common for something that seems like PND to actually be driven by this kind of imbalance.

You have sacrificed so much and he can't drop one thing for you and his family and even wants to make more work for you?