Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

The Talk

66 replies

MrsPiddlewink · 24/09/2014 18:36

My Ds is approaching 9.

From what I've read on here - and other sites - we should have discussed sex by now. We haven't, and he hasn't asked. My youngest (at 3) probably knows more because he's always asking (he knows all about periods thanks to being permanently attached to me!). Have I left it too late for my oldest? He's quite sensitive and shy, and gets easily embarrassed.

Any advice gratefully received. I never had the talk with my parents, and even my period was taboo... I don't want it to be like that for my DC.

OP posts:

nooka · 25/09/2014 17:46

I'm not very keen on books as a first approach, I think it makes it too much of a big deal/different sort of thing, when sex, puberty, babies etc are just another bit of life. I was brought up like the OP with all of that type of stuff quite taboo really and I think it's incredibly unhelpful. My two were always very curious about everything so it was fairly easy to just chat about periods, birth, sex etc in pretty much the same way as other topics of interest to them.

I don't think it's ever too late, but if you can avoid 'the talk' in favour of more casual conversations I think that's the best approach otherwise your ds may find it a bit overwhelming. wiggle's responses sound great to me, and if you leave the conversation open you may be surprised at what your ds wants to ask about :) For natural conversation openings we found books, TV and mumsnet all worked (what are you reading about mum has led to some weird and wacky conversations about all sorts of things!)

MerryMarigold · 25/09/2014 17:51

I've been eagerly awaiting opportunities but ds1 had shown zero interest or curiosity. Ds2 asked how babies get out do that was a good convo on childbirth as I had a c section with twins and ds 1 born naturally.

SisterMoonshine · 25/09/2014 17:55

"Even Nanna"

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Original poster

MrsPiddlewink · 25/09/2014 18:19

Oh God , I would have passed out at "even Nana"

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsPiddlewink · 25/09/2014 18:22

Mrsschadenfreude - how old was your DD? Didn't even think about broaching masturbation . I don't know how I'm going to do it ! Argh!

OP posts:

MrsSchadenfreude · 25/09/2014 18:52

I think she was about nine. She was wriggling on the sofa and had her hand in her pants, and had been told not to do this before.

Original poster

MrsPiddlewink · 25/09/2014 19:01

In fact I can remember asking my Mum why it felt good when I did it and she laughed and walked off

Is it likely that 9 yo Ds 'knows'about it yet? Is it normal for them to do it this young?

God I feel so clueless

OP posts:

BreakingBadWind · 25/09/2014 19:06

Re periods. Dd is 3 but comes to loo with me often. Whenever she sees I have blood on a pad she asks. She knows it's a period and I just copied what I heard my mate say to her son, that it's yhat happens to mummies very month so that they know there's not a baby in their tummy.

When she asked how babies get in tummies I said the daddy puts a seed in the mummy and she didn't follow it up with other questions yet. But she is three.

beenabsent · 25/09/2014 19:35

I feel it is important to answer all their questions when they ask them.
although this can be awkward at times.
Best to do some before the school does it.
My 5 year old got into trouble at school as he told the class where babies come from - 'from a special hole and my mum's showed me' - I had found a book to show him btw - as i was expecting another baby i had lots of questions. The poor teacher found it hard to control the questions after that. It was during show and tell and someone had a new brother that weekend. The question was - 'where did the baby come out of the normal way or did he have to get cut out?'
Would have loved to be fly on the wall during that lesson.

My daughter who was 8 at the time also asked questions and soon realised that my pregnancy was not exactly planned which led to the obvious question of 'I know how babies get in your tummy - and I know you didn't really expect to have another - so did you not know dad was doing that?'
I really didn't know how to answer that one.

Original poster

MrsPiddlewink · 25/09/2014 20:42

"so did you not know dad was doing that?'"

Oh my! How did you answer that?!

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsPiddlewink · 25/09/2014 20:44

Also- I really want to drum into them about consent, no means no etc, how do I brooch that?

OP posts:

notmydog · 25/09/2014 20:51

My DD is 9 and I have just bought her the Usborne book 'What's happening to me?'

glidingpig · 25/09/2014 20:52

Even Nanna?

I am doing a proper red-faced creaking laugh that may still suffocate me.

SkaterGrrrrl · 25/09/2014 20:59

Debating this at home. DD is 4 and hasn't asked yet, but I have bought a copy of the very good Mummy Laid An Egg and am keen to read it to her.

DH thinks we should wait until she asks but my feeling is the sooner the better as (a) less embarrassed when younger and (b) less likely to hear the wrong thing from the rascally boys at school.

nooka · 25/09/2014 21:05

Think I'd have probably talked to my children about condoms and birth control at eightish if it came up, but it's hard to remember when you said what really. Certainly they knew about c-sections at five because they were curious about my scar and their birth stories when they were very small. Perhaps it helped that they shared a bedroom and this sort of conversation always happened at bedtime (I suspect all the questions were partly a way of pushing bedtime back!).

One thing to note is that they don't really take it all in, so you have to tell them quite a few times (which is why I think little and often is a better approach than 'the talk') and their attitudes may well change a fair bit as they grow up. When my two were small they were just curious about stuff in general and how it related specifically to them, as they got older they went through a 'yuk' phase, denying that I'd told them any of the stuff before (at 8 I'd guess your dd will think yuk to much of what you think she should know), and then from about 11/12ish they started to relate it to themselves and we had lots of interesting conversations which were more about emotional that physical things. I suspect once you broach the subject you'll be just fine :)

girliefriend · 25/09/2014 21:47

I have an 8 yo dd and am following this thread as also think I should probably have a chat with her at some point.

She knows about periods in terms of that I have one every month, she knows that you need a man and a woman to make a baby (and was very confused as to how her friend at school was made as she only has two mummies - that took a bit of explaining...) but I don't know if I should be having any more conversations with her or just letting her come to me when she is ready to know more but am thinking that is a cop out ?

Am I looking at the right books on Amazon? There is one for boys and a different one for girls?

Wigeon · 25/09/2014 22:01

I am really trying to avoid having The Talk at any point, by drip feeding information as and when DD (6) asks. She has asked a few questions over the last few years and I do try to answer factually. She honestly seems to treat them in the same league as "where does our bath water go" and "am I a carnivore or herbivore or omnivore"! That is, with zero embarrassment, and once she's had an answer she's onto the next thing without batting an eyelid.

Have been thinking that a book might be a handy reinforcement too - I agree with nooka that they don't take it all in the first time.

Does anyone know whether this book How Babies are Made is suitable for a 6 year old? And is Mummy Laid an Egg good for that age too?

Wigeon · 25/09/2014 22:05

girlie - I reckon you need different books for girls and boys if you want to talk about puberty, but books about how babies are made should be fairly gender neutral!

Personally, I think it's quite handy knowing different ways that babies get made, as it helps explain all the different stages of conception and pregnancy. My DD knows a baby conceived through surrogacy with egg and sperm from the parents (and never met the pregnant surrogate, but knows the parents really well), and a baby who has two mummies, who used donor sperm. So you can clearly explain the role of an egg, sperm, womb and what a parent means.

nooka · 25/09/2014 22:13

Personally I think Mummy Laid an Egg is quite ridiculous, but I know some rate it highly. I think I'd go for something factual that covers both the male and female side (I think it's important for boys to know what girls go through and vice versa) and read it before you hand it over to check you are OK with all it's messages. Maybe check your local library?

PacificDogwood · 25/09/2014 22:48

Personally, I find it quite easy to answer questions, but it's a bit more awkward when no questions are forthcoming but you feel they need to know (like when I was 8 months pregnant with DS3 and neither DS1 nor DS2 had asked anything at all about my girth - I felt it was only fair to tell them they would have a baby brother soon. Which then led to questions about how the baby was going to get out and later, after some consideration, how it had got in ).

I did not like 'Mummy laid an egg' - too silly IMO.

We have this which I bought when DS1 was about 8 or so and just gave to him and his brother (1 year between them) with the offer to explain anything they want to ask.
By then they already knew about the birds and the bees.

Seeing that DS1 was 11 when he sprouted pubic hair (I was SO not prepared for that!), I am glad we'd always been quite open about sex, physical changes, similarities and differences between boys and girls etc.

magicpixie · 25/09/2014 22:49

love the nest explaination

shall copy that

but my eldest knows all about periods

PacificDogwood · 25/09/2014 22:57

Oh, and I do think there is nothing wrong with blushing and saying "Oh, I am embarrassed talking about that" if you are embarrassed - I think being honest is the whole key issue.
"I've never been able to talk about this with my parents and I find this really strange" is fine.

IMO it is more important to talk about respect and kindness to oneself and others than just simple explanations about the mechanics of sex/masturbation/making babies.
I think Relationship education should be focussed on and that includes things like 'masturbation is fine even Nanna does it but your genitals are also known as 'private parts' for a reason' and 'sex is something grown-ups do and you should never have to do anything you don't want to do' and 'never touch somebody else in a way they don't want to be touched in'.

I think teaching children to like their bodies and to have ownership of what happens to them is really important.
Gawd, I sound pompous - not once have I said to any of my boys 'have ownership over your body'.

Momagain1 · 25/09/2014 23:58

Try to avoid THE TALK. And instead have many small conversations.

Some kids you have to teach to talk about it. If the subject of babies comes up in any book or tv show about any animals (which you must first contrive to have available for reading/watching) , compare with small doses of human related facts. If anyone you know is pregnant or having a baby, talk about it, if nit with him, then in front of him. Draw him into the conversations DS2 initiates. Next time he is around you could maybe get him to contribute, you answer the question, but then ask ds1 if he understands that? And slide into chatting with him. I found that getting them to tell me what they knew, and then correcting what they have got wrong, filling in the blanks worked. Dont try to add a whole lot more, stay on their age level.

AChickenCalledKorma · 26/09/2014 07:38

I have found going to the zoo/countryside/a farm in the spring time is quite helpful. Or watch some nature programmes with them. The point where one large mammal climbs on top of another one is a great moment to say "ooh look, they are making a baby!" in a very matter of fact way.

Or just ask him what he knows, next time you see someone in the street who is obviously pregnant. "Oh look, that lady is having a baby. Do you know how babies are made?" But in the same tone of voice as you would use for "Oh look, there's a digger. Do you know how houses are built?"

And do drip feed. DD1 is 12 and I felt the need last week to have "The Talk" about periods (i.e. bought her a load of towels, tampons etc and gave them to her when no-one else was around so we could have a chat). That did lead into a "Talk" about sex and she filled me in on what they've been told at school. But it wasn't embarrassing because it's not the first time we've mentioned it. We did giggle quite a bit though

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 26/09/2014 08:34

I found 'mummy laid an egg' book utterly ridiculous-if I'd read that to ds he'd have thought people had to have sex doing handstands on skate boards

Flip

1 2 3