resenting oh

[Buffy81]

Just a quick question. Did any of you resent your other half? Mine is back at work now and we do shifts(10-2 & 2-6) at night so are sleeping in separate beds. Mine has got up this morning to get lo's bottle ready for his 6am feed saying that he had about 20mins sleep as his body wouldnt let him drop off(he was on the late shift, I did the early) and then ds started up as was time for his feed. He is now sleeping downstairs to get a couple of hrs sleep before work as he has to drive just over an 1hr to get to where he needs to be today (he is an it engineer that covers a large area).

Are you at work too?
If not I think you should be doing the nights, at least during the working week.

So, your OH shares the night wakings of your DS, goes out to work and has a long drive to get there and you resent him?

Bloody hell. Bloke must be knackered.

Are you at work too?

If not, then you're being totally unreasonable!

Well, yes, I admit I did, as I BFd and so had to do all the night feeds and wakings without exception for both DC and they didn't sleep through until 7 and 9 months respectively, and the latter's sleeping through was merely a blip.

I'd've LOVED to have split shifts like you do.

Are you at work too?

Either OP is out doing paid work, or at home doing unpaid work, looking after their child.

Yes I do sometimes but I know he hadn't got it easy either! DH works long hours and I'm ebf so do all the night feeds. I resent him sometimes when he falls asleep in the evenings so I'm still having to do the nappy changes etc but I know that he's really busy and stressed with work so I try not to show it! My DH did the Friday night feed using a bottle with expressed milk last week and I had 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep! It felt amazing!!!! I've found it's hard not to start competing with one another (I did that so now it's your turn to do this etc) and communication is key, easier said than done though when you're both tired.

I night bf DD who is 9 months, and I've been back at work full time since she was 5.5 months. She has never slept through the night, so yes there is the odd moment of resentment when DH is peacefully sleeping and I'm awake for the 3rd time feeding her!

But sleep is paramount, we work together to make sure neither gets too sleep deprived, and we raise our need for sleep before it gets too bad. If it bothers you, discuss it. Just don't make it a tiredness competition, I find that doesn't help.

No am not at work as lo is only 4 weeks. I would love to nap during the day but at the mo lo I'd wanting to feed every couple of hrs, can't get any housework done and when hubby does get home, he spends a couple of hours with us does a feed and will then spend as cpuplke of hours playing on his computer.

I have no family where I live as we moved a 150 miles away for his work and the few friends that I do have all work during the week. I am planning on going to baby groups to get us out the house_ am hoping to get to one on Friday

There you go, Lairy et al. OP is at home with a four week old. Which we all know is code for popping chocolate cherries into your mouth while you recline in a mountain of bath foam.

OP, splitting night shifts with your DH is a great idea. Beyond that, I think you should both catch up on sleep where you can. Whoever is doing the early hours of the morning should get an early night - seriously early, like 8pm. Take it easy on him, and yourself. It's an exhausting time.

I think housework really needs to take a back seat. There's a reason why the rule says 'sleep when baby sleeps' - it is vital that you catch up on sleep.

I would say relax whenever possible during the day and when oh gets back spend one hour cleaning and tidying, preferably together if baby allows.

The early days are so rough and resentment can very easily begin to brew.

I'm not sure that splitting nights with shifts actually is a good idea for everyone. It depends on the individuals. It would not have worked well for me when mine were little. If it does work then that's great, but there could be other solutions too. It may be better to alternate nights getting up with baby as at least then each of you is getting one good night's sleep every second night. Or if he does a lot of driving I think you may need to switch it a bit. He needs a good sleep if he's on the road a lot, or even just for working out of house in general. If he could have the baby every evening for three or four hours, for example, it would allow you to nap and catch up on sleep.

Also, is your oh doing his own maintenance? Washing his own laundry and so on? He needs to understand that if you are exhausted he will need to step up in this area so that you don't have to try to keep on top of that too.

To be honest yes I did in those early days once dh went back to work I did all the night feeds and she fed every 2 hours until 8 weeks also as he works such long days I basically do all day and all night it's hard going he also works most weekends so I rarely get a night off, it seems much easier now she is 12 weeks and only waking twice between 7&7 but we argued a lot at first which I hated doing but sleep deprivation is hard! I used to be sitting on the edge of the bed feeding dd almost falling asleep sitting up whilst dh snored away oblivious, I could have put a pillow over his face but it does get easier I promise and you won't always feel like this.

It's Ok, rooty - I know what it is to have a newborn - I am also at home with a baby (he is 5 weeks old). And five year old twins who have just started school. DH is self employed part-time while I am on maternity leave, usually he is SAHD. I am breastfeeding and I do all the night shifts, and also did for my twins. Dh will get up and make me tea / deal with crying baby when I asked him to (twice so far), but it seems like a good plan to have at least one of us having a full night of sleep.

I do not think it is unreasonable for OP to do the night shifts during the week. Like my LO, hers feeds often, but I agree with others, housework needs to take a back seat to snoozing for a while, or your DP needs to do more.

I don't resent DH - he does his share around the house and garden, and with the older two when they are home from school.

When my DS was a newborn my DH would share the burden with me during the night wakings (despite DS bring EBF) but only on the Friday and Saturday nights when he didn't have to get up for work. I would never have made him share a room with me and endure all the wakings when he had work the next day.

However, when DH got home from work he would send me up to bed so I could have a few hours rest. In that time he would obviously mind DS, do some housework and put on some washing and then cook our evening meal.

When I went upstairs to do the bedtime feeding with DS my DH would come and sit with me for an hour before heading off to the spare room to get his sleep.

As DS got older and the night wakings reduced me and DH went back to sharing a bedroom. He would stay in our room until DS's first wake up (usually 3am ish) then he'd change DS's nappy and then go to the spare room to have about 3-4 hours of uninterrupted sleep before getting up for work.

DS is now 5.5 months and in order to give me a break my DH takes DS out every evening when he gets home from work. They go out for about 1.5 hours which gives me just enough time to have a hot bath

It's very hard in the early days - you just need to be honest with him about how you feel and how you'd like things to change. It's also very important to listen to what your DP says too and see things from his perspective. Sometimes compromise is the key.

Congratulations on your baby

It doesn't matter if we were resentful of our partners - if you are feeling resentful of your OH then you need to sit down and discuss it with him.

When my DS was new born, we discussed it and decided that my DP would sleep in the spare room as I was doing all night time (breastfeeding). I didn't see the point in both of us being sleep deprived. That was what worked for us and what we were happy with. On non-work nights my DP would do everything bar feeding so that I could nap or just rest.

I'm always slightly confused by this idea that the person on maternity leave must do all the night wakings during the week, at all times, in whatever circumstances. Obviously every baby is different, and every job is slightly different, but I found being at home with a baby infinitely harder than my paid employment has ever been, both physically and emotionally. Nobody at any of the law firms I have worked for has ever spent the day screaming at me continuously for 5 hours (although I have heard of some clients who get pretty close on occasion). For me, there's absolutely no contest. Frankly, I considered that DH was getting a flipping good deal, getting to go to work every day. And so did he, I think - he practically skipped out of the door in the morning. I did do all the week time night wakings for the first 6/7 months but when at that point DD was still waking up every hour and I wasn't safe to drive the car, I had to enlist DH to do part of the nights. The first few months are really, really hard, no matter how much you love them. Surely all you can do is cobble together some sort of means to get by, using whatever tools are available to your family. What the hell else can any of us do?

I can kind of see what you're saying and every couple has to find their rhythm and pattern. But while work is easier in some ways, for sure, it still demands a certain level of faculty. Especially where driving is concerned, and depending on the specific job. But what's certain is that the person who is lucky enough to skip out of the house in the morning absolutely needs to acknowledge the fact that they are getting a good deal, and take concrete and extensive steps to redress that balance when they get home.

The thing is, it is different for every couple in their own circumstances. I found being at home with DS infinitely more pleasant and easier than my job. I really enjoyed taking time out from the stresses of my work. But that isn't true for other people.

The important thing is to discuss everything as a couple, and decide what will work for you. If one person is resentful and stressed then it isn't working and needs to change.

I feel the same as Culture. Being at home, even with 2 5 year olds and a newborn is a lot easier and less stressful than my job, and there are many more moments in my day when I can relax. With just the baby, it ( for me) is like a holiday. I am lucky though that he does tend to have at least 2 1 hour sleeps a day.

Yes of course it is different for those for whom staying at home isn't relentless and mind-numbingly exhausting (or whatever the case may be). Some people do better on less sleep as well. Those who find it easier won't be resentful In the same way because they aren't looking at it from the same perspective. And their partners may not be required to step up in quite the same way because it won't be needed.

Please do talk to your OH, Buffy.

If he needs his sleep in order to be able to work and you decide to try a different approach to the night shifts, make sure he understands that he absolutely has to have the baby for at least three hours in the evening so that you can sleep. And you will need to have at least one proper, long lie-in at the weekend (if work patterns allow).

I agree that for every couple it is different - and that depends on your paid work, your baby, your finances, the support you get, where you live - it's complex. But a woman at home with a child is still WORKING, whichever way you slice it. So the first comments on the thread, which are utterly dismissive, still rankle.

DP and I were recently discussing this as we are ttc #2 and were talking about things we done wrong the first time and we both agreed we had massive resentment for each other re sleep we both felt we needed and deserved more sleep than the other. It's very hard to find a balance DP does a very manual heavy job but DS was a poor sleeper (1-9 wakings a night and first night 5-7 at 11mo) so I was up a lot he was also a high needs baby and never happy unless we were out and about. The reality it sucked for both of us we were both shattered and needed sleep no one had it worse than the other. DP done 1 night a week unless ds was up more than 4 times then he got up at 5 to give me another hour.

This time we have agreed that instead of fight over who is more tired or do set shifts we will commiserate and deal with who is more tired on the day. It's hard at first you have no idea wha'ts hit you but try not to turn it into a one up game and accept it's crap and tiring for both of you.

Best thing is for you to get a morning nap (for you) is to get to a baby group or some activity early when lo gets sleepy rush home and lo will be tired so you can sleep even if it's just a 20 min power nap you will feel better. Never stay out when lo sleeps run home to get some sleep yourself.

great post from kiki. DH and I decided early on that would refuse to compete in the tiredness olympics. When he went back to work after DS was born I resented him swanning out the door back to our old life (we work together) while I has this new, daunting and also dull and tedious life. DS was pretty good, got into a 4hr routine pretty fast so it wasn't awful but we were flexible and allowed the one who needed a weekend nap / lie in to have one as and when needed. We still take that approach now with 2DCs of 3 and 5. The only thing you can do is acknowledge that what you are feeling is understandable but unfair on your DH (assuming he is pulling his weight generally) and have a chat about how he can support you in other ways - batch cooking a the weekend or picking up the slack with the housework or whatever.

I resent him now! He just went out (2nd time in ds' life, 8 months), came home drunk and is now fast asleep!
Before I was back at work I didn't resent doing all the night wakings as I loved being on mat leave and found it infinitely easier than working. Now I'm working harder than ever and still getting very little sleep...
It helps that dh has always done the first nappy!