dealing with DC being ill if i return to work?

[Newbiecrafter]

Hi there

I have been thinking about returning to work when my youngest starts school which was this September. I am waiting to hear about a job that I am being considered for. I applied a couple of weeks before DC went back to school and should hear this week.

DS has just started reception and 5 days in, he's come down with Gastroenteritis. Its day 6 now and he is getting better and if he has no further episodes, he can go back to school tomorrow, which will be 48hrs since the last one.

This has got me thinking about what I would do if DS or DD are unwell and cant go to school. Also, when DS was hit by this bug, he was sick just as we were leaving to go to school. SO had I been working I wouldn't have been able to get to work.

DP would help if he had to, but he is always working under a lot of pressure and would find it difficult. in this case DS has been off since last Thursday, so so far that would have been 4 days off work. I don't think when they are unwell like this, working from home would be an issue.

We don't have family nearby, so how do other parents deal with this? I know plenty of parents do work and deal with this everyday, but I cant work out how, especially with odd bouts of sickness and school holidays which aslo need covering.

my DC are 4 and 7.

many thanks for any advice or help, and sorry if I sound a bit dim. I am genuinely confused by this.

sorry, 'working from home would not be an option' is what I should have written, and I meant for my DP and also me if I were to get this job.

It is extremely difficult. I work from home, so the responsibility usually falls to me, but it can still be very difficult especially if I have client meetings. We do have PIL fairly nearby so they step in if it's a very long term illness e.g- chicken pox.

From what I understand, you are entitled to a certain amount of time to care for dependants. We have friends who are in a similar position to you. Some get their parents to travel to look after the children and a couple have used a specialist nanny service come in (in some cases paid for by their employer).

In my last job (which was office based) I took annual leave to cover looking after sick children, which wasn't ideal as I ended up with very little holiday to take (2 children with chicken pox back to back!). Generally, I think people just muddle through as best they can I think.

Thanks Hamish.

Muddling through is what I was thinking it must be a case of.

It just got me thinking that returning to work after so long away from it, I don't have the reputation with any employer that I am normally reliable, if that makes sense. My DD was also often sick when she first started school, but is much more resilient now, so I'm wondering if DS will be the same.

Thanks for your reply. It helps knowing that muddling through is ok.

Yes, my experience is that children inevitably have a bout of illness shortly after you start in a new job, though it's obviously more likely if they're also starting a new childcare location, which won't be the case for you.

I think you're right, it is particularly tricky when you are new in the job, and it would be essential to have a good chat with your DH about this and agree perhaps a period when he is responsible for taking time off - maybe the first month? And perhaps suggest that he discusses this with HIS manager or you may find that he tries to get out of it when the time comes. The fact is that it's a situation most workplaces deal with at some point and if he goes to them with a short-term solution they may be fine with it.

And also discuss with dh and then your parents/PILS what they are prepared to do and what you are prepared to let them do. For example, when a child's feeling absolutely rubbish, they are more likely to want a parent, and you are more likely to feel crap if you leave them with anyone except you or dh, but there are often days when for whatever reason you don't feel they can be at school but they actually don't feel that bad, and this is where grandparents can be a Godsend if willing.

The rule at my workplace is that one day's carer's leave per episode is given out without too much difficulty (assuming you don't abuse it) but after that you are expected to sort something else out, or to take annual leave if you have to. They're pretty generous tbh and I try to 'pay them back' in other ways.

Is it possible for your DP to prepare his workplace for him taking any sick leave (at least the first day) in the first month, so that you at least get to settle in?

DP and I split sick leave between us. Initially I was to take anything Monday to Wednesday, and DP Thursday/Friday - which sounds uneven but due to work pattern was an even split. Except DS then decided to only be sick towards the end of the week so DP ended up taking the bulk of it!

Generally now we have a chat about who's got what on, and try to work around that - e.g. DP has client meeting in morning so goes in, then scarpers to hand over so I can get in for my afternoon meeting, etc.

You kind of have to suck it up.

I try and be very nice to people at work and while I can't work extra hours because of childcare, I make sure I volunteer to do stuff where I can, little things like that - sounds silly but I want them to see that I'm committed to the job, it's just that sometimes we have childcare issues.

If I am at home with DD I try and do little bits of work if I can, which is actually alright if she's ill because she is probably sleeping and watching TV more. I certainly stay on my emails and make my presence known, even though I am probably taking an unpaid or annual leave day.

I do think your DP will have to accept that he will also have to take some time off too. I know it will be a big change for him but if you're both parents and both working then you have to share the responsibility as much as you can, within what's possible for their job. And by that I mean I don't expect a policeman or brain surgeon to be able to drop and run in the same way someone who works in an office can, not a sort of 'my job is busier than your job' competition.

You do end up hoarding your annual leave all year though. I had a permanent week's worth of "chicken pox" leave kept right until the end of the year until DD finally caught it.

Have you thought about how you'll make annual leave work for illness and school holidays? I don't mean that negatively, but both parents working is something where you need to go through every potential problem and work out a vague plan.

You do need your DP on board. The key is that you will no longer be a SAHM, so his life and childcare responsibilities will need to change somewhat to reflect the change in your family's circumstances. He can't not take time off, even if busy, and expect you to do it all - your employer is as important as his (even if he earns more!) ... even if you privately don't think so, your employer will not agree.

We don't have GPs near to help for sickness (but can juggle school holidays, say, as these can be planned for them to come and stay/kids go to them). It's just an adjustment, and you will have bad days when you and your DP have to do the "whose day/week is more important" but in the end as long as you're both supportive of each other it's OK.

Don't ever call in sick yourself when the kids are sick, though. Always be clear and don't lie about that, otherwise you end up with a bad attendance record for yourself, and most employers will be as accommodating as they can about sick dependants, in my experience, as long as you're fair and a good employee.

This is one of the reasons I gave up work. Because I worked locally and my h works very far away, there's no way he could pick up sick children, so it meant I always did it. I hated the feeling I was always letting people down, I found it incredibly stressful. Work were not very supportive and told me that my h should be supporting my career more by picking up the kids (at the time, he earned approx 4 times what I did - his was always going to get more support!)
I am still not back at work as still haven't figured it out. No family support nearby either.

It Isn't easy - I take leave; for a prolonged illness dh has to take some too, or he can work from home.
I did once lie and say I was sick but it's too difficult to do that Now.

It's a juggle isn't it?

Pre DH doing nights (we both work FT) we would take it in turns. The company had an "Emergency childcare policy" where unpaid leave was granted at short notice for child emergencies.

Now it would be DH dragging his arse out of bed during the day as he is nearest and it makes sense.

Failing that, luckily we have my parents who could step in if neither of us available.

And failing that we have a few "school gate parents" who we have arranged we could call to pick DS up in a dire emergency. Would that be an option to explore in the future perhaps?

My problem is that DH is often the one I can't leave... I've been known to say that ds is sick as this seemed more acceptable felt like I would be punished for lying by ds actually getting ill thank goodness I now have a reasonable employer.

Agree with others DH has to do his fair share and take the first hit, at
Least whilst you are settling into new role. He can take dependent or annual leave.

My key tips are:

1. Find an understanding employer - I work for a small firm where the boss was once the main carer at home trying to juggle work and children so he is very understanding.

1. If you are flexible at work, eg able and willing to work extra hours (either at work or at home) when needed, then your employer will be more likely to be flexible the other way. This also helps with eg meetings, shows, assemblies at school that you would like to attend.

1. Work locally - helps with being able to eg do a half day and have DH do a half day without long travel issues.

1. Work part-time if you can - that way if eg you normally work Mon-Wed and your child is sick Mon-Tues then you may be able to work Thurs or Fri to make up.

1. Never plan to use all your annual leave as you may need it to cover sickness.

1. DH has a full time very senior role. I have a part-time role. Our starting point is still that we share cover for sickness etc equally. In practice, he has lots of meetings and often has longer commute and I can more easily get the time off, but he does some of it and I make sure he is grateful when I take on the bulk of it!

1. Have children who are rarely sick. So far I have been pretty lucky compared to many parents I know.

thanks all for your replies.

Everything you say makes sense and I guess I am trying to work out the nitty gritty of returning to work.

I agree that my DP needs to do his bit, but he is always busy and often feels like I cant rely on him. Maybe that's my issue and I've got into a mindset of not being dependent on him to do stuff. That has been fine whilst I've been at home, but definitely needs to change if I go back to work.

I am looking at doing part time work so that I can be here for the drop offs and pick ups. I am also thinking about how the hell we'll deal with holidays as any job I get will be less annual leave than the school holidays.

In some ways I wish I'd carried on working and not stopped as this would just be second nature to me by now. I'd also still have had my career to go back to. I don't regret taking time out, but as a result I've not needed to rely on anyone like a childminder or au pair or nanny. I still find it weird to even think about that, even though I don't think there's anything wrong with it. In reality thugh I would be working to pay the childcare person so it doesn't really sit well with me.

Alimonkey, I love your no.7 , but I have already failed at that one.

You all sound amazing by the way. I am in awe of anyone who works and comes home to continue working as a parent. my dc have only been home for about an hour and I want them to go to bed as they're overtired and grumpy. I don't even know how i'll cope with 'that' after a day at work. Like I say, I AM IN AWE of you all.

It gets easier once you settle into a routine, it really does

If I were you I'd do some serious research into childminders, after-school clubs and holiday clubs before you make a decision on work, so that you have an idea what the costs might be for the whole year. Also think about whether your DC have any friends whose mum's might look after them for a few days in the holidays in return for copious wine and cake. Though I suspect a lot of people pack the kids off to grandparents for a week or so in the holidays to even it out.

But yes, I think it sounds like you need to change your mindset about your DP. Yes, in the real world one partner's job probably is slightly more important, either in terms of the actual job itself or bringing in a lot more money. But if you both work you both have to be prepared to take time off work and help. For me, the only way it really works is if you can feel confident that you can sit there in the evening after putting an ill child to best and know that you will have a calm, decent conversation about who can takes which days off that week.

It is very hard OP - I gave up a much loved career because we didn't have a backup. Husband works away half the year and it is just me here, no family nearby, we live rurally so childcare is patchy.

The general stress of being stuck on a train or on a road without a contingency plan just made it unworkable after a couple of incidents.

I miss work, took many years to qualify, loved my job etc., etc.. But decided that you can't have everything all of the time.

Have decided to go back when my daughter goes to secondary school when she will probably become a weekly boarder somewhere and plan on studying cv enhancing stuff between now and then. Of course I don't expect to return to my previous level of seniority.

your DP has to step up. Whilst you've been at home he hasn't had to deal with this aspect of parenting - now he'll have to.

Thats it. You split it between you. When I went back to work when DD was 3 she got chickenpox almost immediately. I wasn't about to take a load of time off work when I'd only just started my job, so DH covered it. Why not? - his company had benefitted from the fact that I was at home/freelance for the first 3 years of DD's life, so he hadn't had to cover any days when she was ill and couldn't go to nursery. They were fine with it, as was he.

When your DP has to leave on time or else a child is stuck at daycare on its own, he will do it!

thanks everyone.

I know you're right and that DP has to take on some of the responsibility. I guess I've always just got on with things that he's maybe gotten used to things. We had a chat this evening and he seems okay with the plan that we have to share this.

can I ask though? I would prefer if he was a bit more happy and supportive about it. he always seems a bit grumpy about some things and I always tend to let myself be affected by it. he will always do whatever it is but seems reluctant to start with. is that normal? I mean should I just not let it bother me? or is that in itself an issue?

I sometimes feel like I live with a man from the 50's if that makes sense. I think I have issues with being affected by people's grumpiness so realise that this is my issue, but just wondering if this is just 'normal' for a man, or not? if that makes sense.

thanks again for your help. you've all been really helpful.

Grumpiness is, unfortunately, common. Ignore!

It's hard if you end up feeling like the boss, basically.

Thanks ABI, that makes me feel better.

Joan, sorry, I don't understand? do you mean I have to tell him that he has to do it?

xxx

if I have to tell him...

I think it's more "we both work, we both cover childcare, we decide together what's best on a given day" - partnership not being the responsible one who delegates and gets resented!

Hi I am a single parent so not able to rely on a partner to take some of the responsibility unfortunately.

I work p/t 3 days a week so sometimes I can swap a day with a colleague, if not I can take a days 'carers' leave (although this is at the discretion of my managers) if not it would be annual leave.

Occasionally my mum can help although she also works so not always, occasionally a friend might be able to as well although it depends on what the illness is!! With D&V no one will want to come anywhere near!!

Holidays aren't too much of a problem as plenty of holiday clubs about, also if you can find another working mum friend you might be able to swap some childcare.

This summer my dd had a week in the holiday club, a week with my mum, a week with friends and then I had two weeks off.

Muddling along sums it up nicely