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I knew this would be hard but.......

84 replies

prufrock · 07/04/2004 12:51

I didn't expect being a SAHM to be quite this awful. I want to go back to work - and this is when I only have one to look after.
DD just won't leave me alone for a second, although she's being lovely and giving me lots of cuddles I'm just not sure I can cope with her need for constant attention when there is only me to give it.
I've already been in tears after a very stressful tripround Sainsburys where I didn't know where anything was and dd kept running off (I couldn't put her in a trolley cos I couldn't find anywhere to leave the buggy, and she couln't stay in teh buggy cos I couldn't carry the eight of the basket). Then she refused to put her coat back on, and we got caught in the rain on the way home and now she's just spilt water all over the carpet..............

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lars · 09/04/2004 19:14

I was a SAHM to a few years ago but found I needed a part time job to keep me sane. I wanted some independence like my own money, chat to others at work. I work around the kids and will be working over Easter not ideal I know but it kind of gives me some space to be myself not just mum. They all laugh at work as I say I come to work for a break. Since going back to work I can treat the kids more. So I do feel the family benefit all round. I know I found it hard being at home all day especially when the children were pre school age. larsxx

Janh · 09/04/2004 19:48

prufrock, please don't take this as being in any way critical because it isn't meant to be, but I'm just struck by how the situation is for your DD - she has you at home all day, all to herself, for only a couple of weeks before her brother arrives - you are her mummy, she loves you, of course she is delighted that you are there and wants all your attention...it would drive me nuts too, honestly, and I'm being a bit hypocritical here but I have Guilt, looking back and remembering all the times when I wasn't There for mine (and I didn't work!) and now their littleness is lorst and gorn forever.

I do understand about missing work and I know you will be going back later but I'm wondering if you can somehow find a switch in yourself to trip to Mummy-for-a-while and cast a veil over your other life temporarily? You will never have this time to give her your undivided attention again.

Original poster
prufrock · 10/04/2004 11:13

Oh I'm not going back Janh. I got too stressed trying to be perfect worker and perfect mummy and realised that I couldn't do both - making the decision to becoem a SAHM really is what I want. I think I'd just built it up so much in my head and thought everything would be perfect and dd and I (and soon ds) would have such a wonderful time together that it was quite upsetting to not enjoy my first day.
But I've rationalised it now, and I can't expect everything to be wonderful staight away, especially when I am feeling so tired, and not getting any sleep because I itch, and still have boxes of stuff to put away, and don't know anybody. It will get better.
DH has been at home yesterday and today, and his mother is coming to stay next week to help out (I feel like I should be able to manage but I really am quite ill, and have to traipse into London for hospital appointments twice a week so I do need the help). The study is now sorted, so I'm getting back on top of the bills etc, and I have my fornightly menu plan all worked out and ready to order from Waitrose.
(DH also had to pick up my drugs from hospital on Thursday and happened to bump into my lovely midwife. I'm not sure how their conversation went but he has been incredibly helpful ever since)

And majorstress I don't think Mumsnet is at all biased against working mothers - I HAD to go back to work after dd - I found a small baby so boring and loved the stimulation of work. As MI said there are lots of others here with the same feelings as you, and when I was one of them I was never made to feel guilty by anybody else on Mumsnet (we have had some heated discussions on the subject though)

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WideWebWitch · 10/04/2004 11:20

Prufrock, I think maybe you were too hard on yourself. Don't feel bad about needing some help, it's completely reasonable, look at what you've got on your plate! I hope your MIL is a lot of help. You sound very organised to me for someone who's moved house, changed job (for that is what you've done!), is pregnant, has a littlie and has OC.

Janh · 10/04/2004 11:20

Oh, sorry, prufrock, didn't realise you weren't going back or that that was your very first day (or that you are ill, in fact I know nothing, don't know why I stuck my oar in really !)

Glad you have rationalised, hope things run a bit more smoothly now - will you stop being ill after the baby arrives, is it just a pg thing?

Original poster
prufrock · 10/04/2004 11:53

Yep - basicaly my liver is allergic to my pregnancy so stops cleraing the crap out of my body. No reall effect on me except itching and tiredness from being choc full of toxins, but a raised chance of stillbirth the longer I carry.

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Codswallop · 11/04/2004 21:51

anyway majorstress what about unpaid work?

I have/ have had three voluntary roles that have enable d ds1s school and local young offenders to benefit from my efforts and they WERE efforts - dont see why paid work takes importance.

Shame on you.

handlemecarefully · 11/04/2004 22:16

Prufock,

Major empathy here. My baby is due in 7 days time and I have a 20 month old. It's heartening to read what the others have said though isn't it? - i.e. that it actually gets easier when baby arrives! Hold that thought...

I've found that toddler group has been life saving whilst heavily pregnant. It means that I can sit on my rather large pregnant bottom, have the other mums make me cups of tea (they insist) and let dd run around without any fear of her causing a nuisance / getting lost / running into traffic.

bossykate · 19/04/2004 13:50

hi prufrock

how is it going now? hope you are settling in

Original poster
prufrock · 19/04/2004 13:57

Yes - dd is at nursery today so I am having a lovely relaxing time. I can't find a cleaner so actually did my own dusting and hoovering yesterday and enjoyed it (dd helped).
I just have to sort blackout blinds for the babies room, put one more box of stuff into the loft and take down the awful net curtains, then the place will be perfect.
I still haven't met the neighbours, or done more than exhange smiles with other mothers, but figure I can leave that until after the baby is born and I have hopefully turned back into somebody who other people might like to be friends with rather than the grumpy cow I am at the moment.

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Marina · 19/04/2004 14:01

Don't know how I missed this first time round Prufrock but agree with many others that you have a HECK of a lot on right now and were maybe being just a tad hard on yourself...have been thinking of you lots and hoping the move and everything else was going well. I had a similar purple fortnight before dd was born last August...full of polyhydramnios and feeling cr*p, trying to give ds "quality mummy" time and ending up hating myself, him and/or the unborn baby...usually by 3pm at the very latest.
Sending you hugs and all good fortune for the days ahead. Ocado will make a big difference

islandgirl · 19/04/2004 22:01

prufrock - glad today was a better day, and all the best for the new arrival!!!

GeorginaA · 19/04/2004 22:04

Just noticed you'd updated this thread, prufrock. Glad you've been having a nicer time of it You sound so much more efficient than me, but then I realised from the May thread that d-day is 8 days time, is that right?

I'm really excited for you! Not sure I'll be as excited for myself when my d-day comes around, but still...!!!

Original poster
prufrock · 19/04/2004 22:30

7 days, 10 hours and counting.
Today I managed to order my maternity pads and breast pads from mothercare, and treated myself to lovely linen nightshirts from the white company. (Figured I had to have nice stuff to wear in hospital in case I bump into any celebs - or their dp's)

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GeorginaA · 19/04/2004 22:32

Oooo how thrilling! I can see it now, rellies come over to see the baby pics, and all you have is a small goldmine of snaps to sell to Hello

Janh · 19/04/2004 22:32

So how are you getting on with DD now, prufrock? Better I hope?

Not long now. Hope it's all OK!

ks · 19/04/2004 23:00

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prufrock · 20/04/2004 14:58

Well then ks let us go then, you and I.

DD is wonderful. She has settled in well at the new nursery, and has stopped being so attention demanding - I think I was expecting a lot of her as well and didn't realise how unsettling it would be for her to be in a completely new place - I should have expected a certain level of clinginess for a while. She now happily runs round the house and garden and will sit at the table and draw whilst I do things in the kitchen or empty drawers in the study whilst I Mumsnet. And I really am enjoying her.
I have even made myself very colourful excel spreadsheets with dd and ds's modified Gina routines all mapped out. I am so anally retentive it's not true.

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fuzzywuzzy · 20/04/2004 16:07

Prufrock, next time you go shopping, instead of loading shoppping on a basket load it into the basket or net at the bottom of your buggy, it's what I do, and nobody gives me a second look althoguh I felt silly doing it at first but my dd cannot as yet walk properly so couldn't do it any other way. I know how you feel about being a sahm, having spent the past year working only one day a week I now fully appreciate how difficult it is, not an easy option at all.

Helsbels · 20/04/2004 16:15

I agree that sah is the hardest option, I know I couldn't do it. I know there are mums who wish they could stay at home but can not and feel for them and would not decry their wishes, I really admire anyone that chooses to stay at home .

littleweed · 20/04/2004 18:37

be kind to yourself adn eat chocolate - when I felt guilt eating dairy milk king size bars,I moved onto Angel delight - semi skimmed milk - practcially a health food:-))

Codswallop · 20/04/2004 18:41

little wedd you really shouldnt be leadding her astray!

ScummyMummy · 20/04/2004 19:45

Big smile at your colour coded Gina spreadsheets, Pru. Glad things are feeling a bit better.

GeorginaA · 20/04/2004 19:49

Oh good, I'm glad I'm not the only one who colour coded her spreadsheets for GF and stuck them on walls

Um... you mean you weren't going to stick them up on a wall? hangs head in shame

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prufrock · 20/04/2004 21:05

God Georgina I really thought I was the only one who did that. Were you ever sad enough to have one column showing what the routine should be, and the next ones showing what actually happened each day so you could see where the patterns were?

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