Oh bloody hell. First week at school, Ds bit a child today.

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Got taken aside by the teacher today, and got told Ds BIT a child. Hard. Left a mark.

He's never done anything like this before, no hitting, pushing, biting at any point in his life. He's a quiet gentle child who is exuberant when he gets to know children, but is very shy before then.

I just feel terrible. Im going to have to phone the parents and Im really upset and stupidly am crying anout it which is not going to help (dont worry ds cant see me). Ffs. Im going to sound like a fucking loon on the phone. Have to pull myself together.

What if theyre really angry? What if they wont accept my apology? What if they shout at me or blame me? Oh God, i dont want to do this. And yes, i know im making a fuss and being cowardly.

Ds has done a sorry card and we'll give that to the boy tomorrow.

But i hope you dont think being selfish but I'm so worried about my Ds as well as the poor little boy.

It's all connected to problems in settling in and making friends, which ive been trying to alert them to, and not getting very far. I guess I hoped they were right, and he was doing ok although Ds was telling a very different story, and crying his heart out for hours each night. Which is why I'm in pieces now, and over reacting (on mumsnet, hopefully not in rl).

I don't want to be 'that' parent, but the teachers need to listen to me instead of just telling me everything robe - cos its not, he bit someone! That's not ok!

I'm not excusing it but he's been told off, he's said sorry and now i do think paying some attention to the underlying reason might help in the long run. And it's weirdy child logic but he's really struggling and just lashed out when he couldn't take it anymore :(

Im worried he'll be labelled as the naughty one - and they won't try and help him. And he needs some help, as I'm sure does every little one starting which is why I've been worried about making a fuss.

Don't ring the parents . It happened at school , let them deal with it. Do you know what triggered the biting ?

Big huge hugs.

As the mum of a biter, you have my utmost sympathy. Been there, where you are on several occasions and it is awful. I have always apologised face to face when I could work out which child it was - sometimes this has worked out fine, other times I have been blanked for weeks or even months. I've never had anyone shout, although I would have taken shouting over the blanking, tbh.

My biter was bitten last week on his first day of school and had the mother of the child approached me, I would have been nice about it - these things happen. Try not to dwell on it, but do use it to insist to the school that they take your concerns seriously.

Don't ring the parents. Send the sorry card in and draw a line under it.

DS was bitten in reception. I was fuming. A phone call wouldn't have helped and I might not have reacted gracefully.

Him and the biter are friends and it is all forgotten now.

Hi,
I'm on the other side of this, I was phoned on Wednesday by school to say my ds had been bitten. It was very hard and has a nasty big bruise.

The school assured us that it has been dealt with, they phoned his parents, have put it in his school file, he has been spoken to and will be closely watched. We were phoned by the class teacher and the deputy head came out of school with my ds to talk to me again.

Both boys here are 4 too.

I don't really want an apology from the boys parents, they were not there, it is not their fault.
As a one off I am upset it has happened but not really cross. Most children bite at some point.
Ds is my 5th child so maybe that is why I'm not too up in arms ive seen it all before if that makes sense.

All I hope is that the boys parents have spoken to him about how wrong it is to bite etc.

I hope this helps you on some way

Agree with the others. Don't phone, give the boy the card tomorrow and if you know who parents are, just say a quick sorry at drop off but don't make excuses.

Did the school say why he bit the other child? How is his language and understanding? Could you get his hearing and eyesight checked? Probably nothing to worry about but always good to rule these things out

I disagree with those saying don't phone. DS was bitten today and I really feel the boys mum should have at least texted me to apologise. Our boys are year one though - so no excuse for biting.

I think the card is a nice gesture. These things happen. About to out myself but DS2 had his collar bone broken in the first week of reception when an older Yr1 child stamped on it. No apology ever came from the child to DS2 which I was a little surprised at but I wouldn't have expected a call from the parents.

I agree don't phone....surely you won't have the number anyway unless you know them.
The card and an apology are nice gestures. If its not something he's ever done before then I think let it go and stop worrying....I know that's hard though.

I'm always relieved that DD is the one being bitten and not expressing herself through the medium of teeth. She bit her sister twice in her YR year but no school friends.

No need to apologise IMO. Let the school deal with all school related issues. Technically the parents shouldn't know who the biter was as the school wouldn't have said. Of course a quick question to the child reveals the answer.

I only ever asked DD1 who hit/kicked/bit/asked inappropriate things (!) of her, so I could keep an eye that it wasn't one child picking on her. Even if it had been I would have gone through the school about the problem. Creating issues between parents is silly - we hold grudges. The kids will be best friends a day later.

atticusclaw - not this last intake of YR (ie last week?). If it was you may have outed yourself as some poor chap had a broken collar bone. Mind you I don't know the parties involved so not too outed.

No not this reception intake elfycat

My ds bit someone on the first day of school too (reception). Perhaps I'm not as nice as you but it didn't even occur to me to call the parents and even if I wanted to i couldn't as I don't know which child he bit and when I asked him he said it was a new boy he didn't know (ds went to the school nursery so already knows a lot of his classmates).

If I knew which child and knew their parents then I would apologise in passing in the playground but wouldn't make a big thing of it.

I agree with those saying let the school deal with the other child/parent - you focus on reinforcing to your ds that biting is not acceptable. I do think with it being so early in the term that it's anxiety showing (not an excuse and still obv very wrong).

Now I'm conflicted! To call or not...
Would a text be a cop out?

He's had a rubbish start to school, thinks everyone is already friends, no one likes him and no one wants to play with him. He's been coming home and crying for hours each night. Which is not like him. Then he is trying so hard to be a big boy and goes in desperate and sad each morning, with silent tears pouring down his face.

Alot of the children went to the linked nursery which is in the next room, uses the same playground etc, so very much on 'their turf'. They're doing a staggered entry with everyone from their nursery starting on day one, then two new kids every day... Which has the effect of emphasizing group cohesion rather than helping the new ones I think ( at least for Ds).

Ds knows one other child who joined his nursery a few months ago, so they rub along nicely, but not really firm friends. This is the child Ds bit :(

Talk about stabbing himself in the foot. We'd been talking about doing a play date, but now the parents will never want to do a playdate now, and will probably hate Ds from now on :(

The thing is its an adult created situation. The staff at their nursery, Xs parents and me, and everyone Ds has talked to have all said, oh isn't it nice that you and X are going together, you'll be great friends, youll look out for each other and take care of wach other Etc. So Ds really thinks that they should be close friends and look after each other... Which isn't happening through no fault of either child.

X is a self possessed and generally confident little fellow, doesn't mind who he plays with, or if he plays alone, and it isn't in his mind to think actively about others or 'look out for them'. Whereas Ds is watching out for him to wave hello in the mornings, running after him to give him his jumper if he's dropped it etc, and can't understand why it's not the same back. I also think X is nervous (as they all are), and being quite solemn, which Ds is interpreting as not being friendly.

The teachers have said that Ds is getting on fine, and playing with a range of children, including X (and not pestering X - I did ask!). But Ds doesn't feel the same - he's convinced no one likes him and he can't join in with playing. And that's the problem, he's utterly distraught and it doesn't matter what the facts are, in his head he's friendless and alone, and everyone is rejecting him.

The bite happened as Ds just lost it and lashed out. Earlier in the day a child (don't know who) told Ds that X was his friend now and X didn't want to be friends with Ds anymore, which had really upset Ds, but he hadn't reacted at the time.

Then they did some ICT (?) and X and Ds were supposed to share a computer. X refused to share and DS took that as proof x didn't like him anymore, and lost it... Hence the bite :(
Massive over reaction to a simple sharing issue, but poor Ds is so wound up that I think he just cracked.

Clearly biting is inexcusable and I don't want to be seen as making up excuses, but as a separate issue, I really need to get him help and support at school as he's not coping at all :(

Oh god, I hope my son didn't bite yours today Hounds as I was coming on to say I feel your pain as my year1 boy bit for the first time ever today. I am mortified. I have made him make a sorry card which we have out through the boys door as typically he is out next door neighbour. I tried to go round and apologise in person, but no answer so I have fb messaged her to apologise and make sure she knows that he is being punished for it. I feel so bad about it, I am trying to raise a decent human being really!

I bit a nun (my teacher) on day 2 of school. I drew blood. I don't remember but supposedly I just wanted to play outside.
I've not bitten any nuns since, but am now atheist. Doubt they're connected.

Op, poor you, it's awful when they're learning about friendship and finding it tough. I am sure the school have see it al, before - including the biting - and hopefully they will have strategies in place to ensure smooth transition into school, and the thriving of all the class. Hope things work out for your DS very very soon.

Thanks all, I'm still mortified but it's good to know that it does happen and people aren't always drummed out of town for it... Not always anyway.

I don't think I could cope with the anger and hatred on the phone, but feel a bit of a coward to have texted rather than faced the music really.

The parents haven't been doing the drop offs or pick ups so it's unlikely I'll bump into them.

Ugh. Horrible.

So how can I get school to help Ds? I'm worrying as when the teacher was explaining what happened she said 'and then when I asked Ds why he'd done it he started crying, which I told him wasn't on, as he was the one who'd hurt X not the other way round'. Which is true I guess, but knowing Ds, he wouldn't be crying to make himself the injured party, he'd be crying as he'd just done something bloody awful, had no idea what the consequences would be and was scared and guilty and shocked at himself. Bit harsh to tell a four year off for crying surely? I'd have thought it was pretty normal? don't give attention / soppy comforting yes.

Anyway, she hadn't found out what caused it and wasn't very interested as far as I could see... Which worried me. I know she'd have been very busy and not able to investigate and spend all that time on it, but I'm worried that she won't be interested in me trying to tell her about the underlying reason and asking her to help?

Any tips on how to broach it, I don't want to set her hackles up or have me down as 'that parent'

Not me sweep, the boy who bit DS has been violent towards him many times before. Despite this fact DS has always forgiven him and wanted to stay friends I think he may have changed his mind for now.

Does it matter if you're seen as 'that parent'? I think you do need to push this with the teacher. Perhaps you could ask her to list the children she's seen DS play with so when he says he hasn't played with anyone you can say 'what about lunchtime when you played X & Y?'. It might make the teacher focus a bit more on whether he is on his own too much.

I've warned my son that his neighbour might not want to be friends anymore. I fel awful about it.

Buzz or go in early. Just mention to the teacher that you had a long chat with DS and explain how he has been feeling. She will be receptive and you can explain you are concerned because biting is totally out of character.

Also get DS to draw the boy a picture and help him write the word sorry on it. In a few years you will look back on this and laugh.

It's the teachers job to help him settle in. She can only do that if you communicate any problems.

Hi Op

My dc1 was hit by a boy in reception, she wasn't too upset, but what I really appreciated was the parents catching us ion the playground and apologising, not that i expected an apology, stuff happens, but it was nice that they were not ignoring their childs behaviour, and it made me happier to wave dc1 off the nextday into school.

However, your poor ds sounds like he is finding settling in difficult, and if the class has made its own groups and he feels he isn't on one of them, then he is going to feel frustrated if he feels his one 'mate' has let him down. I would strongly recommend asking to make anapp to see the teacher so you won't be rushed, rather than standing at the school gate, explain how upset your dc is, don't be fobbed off withe vague 'oh he seems ok / plays with some kids in class' rubbish,m if he is so upset he needs support to forge friendships and it the teachers responsibility to help with this.

Good luck xx

Don't phone the parents (I'm surprised they told you who it is, TBH)

But do use this incident as the reason to go and stamp your feet to get DS the help he needs to settle properly. He really shouldn't be coming home and crying all night, that's really not good.

Dd2 got bitten by another little girl in her foundation class last year. I can't remember if the teacher told me who it was or not but the parents approached me in the playground to apologise. They were mortified. I told them not to worry, kids do that sort of thing and it will be something different next week. You're sweet to want to speak to them but I wouldn't worry too much.

Thank you all

So at drop off tomorrow I'll ask if I can speak to her about it at end of day (I go back to work on mon so I really hope she can do an appoint fri....)

• Then I'll explain that this out of character behaviour is part of how terrible he's been feeling this week
• in a state of panic and distress about not making friends, which is effecting him deeply... As shown by the hours of sobbing each night, and him losing control and biting in class
• it's clear it's getting worse, not better, and we need to work out a plan to support him.

Other things to say if they not keen to see the need to swing into action:

• it doesn't matter whether he seems ok / ups and downs as to be expected from an observers point of view... Because that's not Ds perception of what's happening. And nothing I say is reassuring him - which is unusual as he normally takes a great deal of comfort from my conversations with him

• he is expending all his energy in trying to be brave, and he's too ashamed to tell the teachers that he's feeling sad

• how is Ds being throughout the day? Is he being quiet, watching others or standing by himself? Or standing by the door? As this is Ds completely withdrawing and shutting down - its not him being ok

• I've observed him trying to join in and he's not getting it right, he will speak too quiet, or stand in the wrong place it behind someone, or try to copy what they're doing but out of sight... And then he fails (& it's fucking heart breaking to watch).

• hes v aware of the friendship groups in the class and daunted by that. He thinks that everyone has already got friends and there is no place for him to join in, or flexibility for them to include him.
• this issue with X is an adult made issue, with adults having set Ds expectations high and then he's devastated when what he was told would happen isn't

Anything I should/ shouldn't say?