Oh bloody hell. First week at school, Ds bit a child today.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Got taken aside by the teacher today, and got told Ds BIT a child. Hard. Left a mark.

He's never done anything like this before, no hitting, pushing, biting at any point in his life. He's a quiet gentle child who is exuberant when he gets to know children, but is very shy before then.

I just feel terrible. Im going to have to phone the parents and Im really upset and stupidly am crying anout it which is not going to help (dont worry ds cant see me). Ffs. Im going to sound like a fucking loon on the phone. Have to pull myself together.

What if theyre really angry? What if they wont accept my apology? What if they shout at me or blame me? Oh God, i dont want to do this. And yes, i know im making a fuss and being cowardly.

Ds has done a sorry card and we'll give that to the boy tomorrow.

But i hope you dont think being selfish but I'm so worried about my Ds as well as the poor little boy.

It's all connected to problems in settling in and making friends, which ive been trying to alert them to, and not getting very far. I guess I hoped they were right, and he was doing ok although Ds was telling a very different story, and crying his heart out for hours each night. Which is why I'm in pieces now, and over reacting (on mumsnet, hopefully not in rl).

I don't want to be 'that' parent, but the teachers need to listen to me instead of just telling me everything robe - cos its not, he bit someone! That's not ok!

I'm not excusing it but he's been told off, he's said sorry and now i do think paying some attention to the underlying reason might help in the long run. And it's weirdy child logic but he's really struggling and just lashed out when he couldn't take it anymore :(

Im worried he'll be labelled as the naughty one - and they won't try and help him. And he needs some help, as I'm sure does every little one starting which is why I've been worried about making a fuss.

Oh and v bitter sweet moment, he did a sorry card completely by himself, and hed written 'sorry' in it, all by himself.

He can't write! He can write his name but thats it, and one of the letters is backwards in that.

So, that was his first proper word, with no help and no copying.

Bless his heart, I hope the teacher starts to help him out now

If another child bit my child and the parent phoned up to apologise no way would I be cross with them, I would be gracious in accepting it and respect them for doing it.

I also wouldn't "hate" your DS if he bit my DS, particularly if there was an apology. I would understand that he was a very small boy who was trying to cope with starting school!

What planet are some people on if they cannot accept apologies graciously and "hate" four year olds?

Oh bless him seem to have something in my eye

That's perfect! Well done to your son. You've helped him reflect on his behaviour too.

What did the teacher say?

Ah, your poor ds. Obviously biting is not desirable but it happens. Ds1 was a biter, thankfully ds2 and I were the main recipients but he bit fairly frequently and I had to catch him before he sank his teeth in to random children a couple of times at play groups!

Ds1 got hit in the face by a car another child deliberately threw at him in Reception. Tbh it didn't seem that big a deal to me, I just accepted these things happen. I certainly wouldn't have expected an apology from the parents.

It's such a big step, starting school. Keep talking to the teacher and expressing your concerns. Your ds will find his feet and settle, it just takes time.

Well the parents haven't texted back, but whatever they feel I've done the right thing by texting, Ds card accompanied by a note from me.

I have meeting w the teacher at end if school today... Am really worried about it and hope teacher springs into action ....

:(

Anyone who 'hates' a 4 year old or their parents for a one off biting incident is bonkers and not worth another thought. (It's different if they are getting kicked, hit, bitten every day!)

That is a weird induction plan - I am sure they have done it with the best of intentions, but it seems very 'them and us' on a daily basis! If anything I'd have done it the other way around.

They aren't listening to you either. I don't care how many new children they have, they need to listen to any parent who is concerned and address that concern, not just fob the parents off.

I would be really pissed off with a teacher telling a small 4 yo old off for crying - it's the first few days of Big School, it's all new, it's all a bit scary and doing something so out of character probably scared him too and worrying about being told off. She sounds like a bit of a cow tbh.

I hope your meeting goes well - be polite but FIRM!

How was it?

Hope your meeting went well OP..
My Ds bit someone at school last week, unfortunately I have no idea who. Later in the week he also pinched and scratched some of his classmates. I've got a meeting with the class teacher and the Senco next week to discuss tactics. Luckily his nursery had already raised concerns and passed them on to the school, so they were expecting some difficulties. But I don't feel I can discuss any of this with the other school gate mums.

It went ok (ish). They were very nice about Ds and forgiving of his biting.

But, they didn't really listen to my concerns and interpretation of why it happened, and haven't proposed any way of helping him in the next few weeks socially.

So, half good/ish and half very troubling for the future.

Am back to work tomorrow and dreading Ds going off to big school with nannys and not me :(

God he needs me and I can't be there. I feel dreadful.

Op, if theschool are ignoring your concerns, go back for another meeting with the teachers, ifit helps havea list of your concerns and the evidence / incidents you feel back up your concersn.

Ask the staff how they will dealk with the issues you have.

If there are no improvements after a couple of weeks, go to the head teacher, because staff are not dealing with your issues, and because youneed some action taking regarding your ds

I know it doesn't help your ds immediately,but you sometimes have to just use the pester power to get through to staff.

I hope he settles in a bit and relaxes about friendships.

I did keep bringing it back to the core problem but they kept saying that when they start school children play alongside each other rather than together and he's doing fine.

And I kept saying that it doesn't matter if we think he's doing fine, HE doesn't think he's doing fine. And they were kind but kept saying he won't be able to understand that yet - that he wont be able to understand that it will take a few weeks to make friends, or that other children will be feeling just like him...

This is what I'm confused by as it seems like they're saying there's nothing they can do as at four they can't understand stuff like that?

Oh they did say I should do playdates after school, but how can I do that when I don't the other parents and it will be two different nannys doing drop offs and pick ups?

Feel a bit defeated by that and adding to worries about going back to work tomorrow.

And I have a dentists appointment tomorrow pm so not a hope I can be there for him... Bah humbug, not feeling very filled with plans this evening.

Misc my ds went in to a reception class where most of the other dcs had been at the same pre-school and had a well-bonded friendship group -and so did their parents We had exactly the same issues with ds feeling everyone else buddied up and there was no space left for him in the boy gang. Unfortunately ds tried to get in with the boys group by playing a game that involved them all punching him and running away from him every playtime He put up with it for half a term in the hopes that he would be accepted . Of course when we learnt about it we went in to school who were pretty defensive about it and we panicked worried that ds found it difficult to fit in.

Anyway, those reception boys doing the thumping were not actually bad or unkind kids. They were just learning how to be four year olds at school and finding out what the 'rules' were. When the school stepped in and told them to stop they did. I guess your ds is similar -just coping with a tough new world when his repertoire of coping skills isn't very advanced yet.

Fast forward a term and that group of thumpy boys became ds's close and wonderful friendship group that stuck by his side throughout primary school.

Fast forward 12 more years and ds is now a hulking 17 year old with rather too many many friends and that group are still among them.

It sounds like you've dealt with it fantastically. Your ds will be OK

I wouldn't phone. It is important to let school deal with school issues. As you know Mum, you could something, but keep it short.

I would however ask for a meeting and say

1. he is not a biter, this is the first time ever, therefore he must have been pretty upset/wound up
2. you have been highlighting a problem of settling and the school has been brushing over it and this is the result. Ds needs more support and help to settle

I would also point out the glaring great hole in their intake from nursery policy (whose stupid idea was that? )

I'll try again
you could SAY something to the mum

and ask for a meeting WITH THE TEACHER

(I will, at some point, learn to proof read)

And I kept saying that it doesn't matter if we think he's doing fine, HE doesn't think he's doing fine. And they were kind but kept saying he won't be able to understand that yet - that he wont be able to understand that it will take a few weeks to make friends, or that other children will be feeling just like him...

you are right and school needs to pull its finger out.

There are lots of things school can do. They can operate some kind of buddy system (pull names out of a hat today you are going to look after each other and be buddies), they can gently create groups to play something in particular (who would like to play a game of x at playtime, then send them out as a group) , they can deliberately pair 2 children to do task/job/play together - if the classroom is very open free play based, this can really help - Johnny why don't you and Peter have a go at this puzzle together.
They can talk about new friends and how every one is getting to know each other and have some circle time about it. Ask them how they feel and hear about other people feeling a bit nervous when they started, and talking about things they have done that have helped. They can challenge the nursery children to play with someone new everyday until they have met all the new kids.