Struggling with speaking in my mother tongue to my baby

[redglasses]

My DS is 6 months old and from day 1, I have struggled to speak to him in my mother tongue. I have lived in the UK for 10 years now and find it easier to communicate in English. My DP and DSD both only speak English, so when we are all together I speak English to DS as otherwise I feel they cannot participate in the conversation.
When I am on my own with DS I try to speak my mother tongue but it feels so very, very unnatural. I am trying to speak in my mother tongue to DS for my parents' sake. Their English is ok, but they can express themselves better in our mother tongue. When I communicate to them, I don't have any problems with the language..
The main problem is that when I'm on my own with DS, I end up not saying much at all as I don't know what to say in my mother tongue and don't feel like I'm aloud to speak in English..
Does anyone have any experience or advice with this? Will my DS pick up my mother tongue even from the very little exposure?

I totally understand that you want your parents to be able to communicate with your child, but it is so much more important that you have good communication with him.
Could you speak English with him, but give the grandparents very regular contact where they speak the mother tongue to him?

I'm afraid I made the decision not to bring mine up bilingual. Sure,they'd benefit, as I have, from speaking two languages fluently. But I decided they'd benefit more from fully natural and unhindered communication with me! When their French GCSEs come up in 10+ years time I'm sure they will hate me, but it was a very considered decision on my part. It does make me feel sad that they are cut off from a big part of their heritage, but I didn't consider I had much alternative.

I speak to my parents on FaceTime a few times a week so DS hears the language then. It's just that the more I read about raising bilingual children, I feel like parents speaking the minority language have been very strict about using it...I suppose I'm just wondering how much exposure do babies/children need to at least understand the language later in life.
Thanks for your comments tak1ngchances and zoemaguire, fills me with confidence that choosing to potentially not raise a bilingual child isn't the worse thing I could do..

I had the same trouble as you redglasses but have found it easier and easier as DD has grown up a bit and can respond in my language. Once she hit two and started speaking it all fell into place. Are there any baby groups in your mother tongue locally? Or any old friends you could talk to on face time? I realised after a while that the trouble was that I wasn't using English enough so once I was reading more and interacting more with English native speakers my vocabulary became less limited and my speech more natural. When I really felt I couldn't speak I sang her lullabyes and nursery rhymes, which she still remembers now she is older. Funnily enough, now she is 4 she refuses to speak the majority language and insists on English.

Our son isn't bilingual and his cousins are. No biggie. It probably is because its his dad/dads side, and I don't speak the language.

DS is good at languages though. Although most of his dads side abroad speak great english, his great grandpa didn't speak much but they managed in French (GGP spoke very good french and DS was learning it at school) and using expressive pantomime and lots of gesturing.

There are no local baby groups of people speaking the minority language, alteredimages. I have tried singing and reading to DS when I'm totally desperate. I'm just not convinced the little language I speak to him, and singing and reading will be of any benefit as I can't imagine being as strict about the use of minority language use as I 'should be'.
On top of that my MIL said to me on the phone yesterday that I am simply confusing DS anyway trying to speak 2 languages to him.i know she only says it because she fears that she won't be able to understand DS if he speaks in minority language (in her world the world actually turns around her and we all live in it). I try not to listen to her but I find myself wondering if I really am just confusing him now...

I wouldn't worry about your MIL's comment redglasses. I had the same, especially once we moved to a third country and DD had to pick up a third language.

I was and am seriously undisciplined about sticking to my language and switch languages all the time. I wish I didn't do it, but it hasn't made any difference to DD and she doesn't confuse the languages.

I think any exposure will be great. My Dad is welsh speaking but as we were raised outside wales he didn't bring us up speaking welsh. He did however teach us a few nursery rhymes and phrases and we always had a Mamgu and Tadcu rather than a Granny and Grandpa. Although we don't speak welsh it was enough to give us a sort of sense of belonging and sense of where we are from and I am so glad for it.

Can you perhaps use cultural celebrations and food as a starting point to get you in the right minority language mood? Sometimes I would need something like that to encourage me and increase my confidence and fluency.

When your son is so little, you obviously won't see the impact you're making. Just keep talking. DD is now 3,5 and speaks and understands 2 languages. Why wouldn't you want to do it for your child? I know 2 adults whose foreign parents refused to speak their native languages to them and both are now resentful.

I didn't want DD to pick up in the mistakes I make in English or on the accent I speak with so very rarely I speak Wnglush to her, even though it would have been easier for me. She now sounds native when speaks English and Polish when speaks Polish.

i am not sure if this is helpful, as i am not bilingual (can order ice cream in several languages though!!) but when ds1 was small i asked hv what you talk about, she suggested i narrate our day, so i would say right lets pop the kettle on then i can have a cup of tea while you have a stretch out on the baby gym... and i talked lots about what we saw and did. hv also said try not to have tv on the(and other stuff) as background noise as they struggle to differentiate what is what. ds now three speaks really well, but can only, so far, ask for ice cream in English!?

I had the exactsame issue as you OP, identical scrnario, so I ramped up exposure to the minority language by listening to songs in my language, radio, TV programs, reading books. Eventually my mother tongue became easier to invone and now I am well practised.

Can you get books/song and story CDs or kids shows on DVD?

I don't really understand this, TBH. For me, it is essential that I communicate to my DC in my own language for many, many reasons. We live in France, their Dad is French and they go to standard French school. Yet, they are perfectly balanced bilinguals. But I am very motivated.

If you are not motivated (becUse you prefer speaking your DH's language or because you feel strange speaking a minority language that others can't understand or any other reason) then I think it will be very hard.

We use HOPOL (Hardcore one parent one language :) ) and never deviate. I have never spoken French to my DC. 80% of media they consume is in English. Radio 4 is a big part of our home life. Holidays are often in English-speaking countries. We prioritise family time with English-speaking cousins. I don't find it onerous, it is very natural for me.

I am delighted with the results. My DC Speak French and English with native fluency, they sound like English children, even with a slight regional accent (mine). I wouldn't have it any other way.

I personally think that giving your child your language is a real gift, and extremely good for their cognitive development! Leaning a language early really helps them with learning other languages later. It can be a pain though and they don't always respond immediately. Where I live there are lots of bilingual and even trilingual children (two parents with different languages going to a school in a third language - not ideal at all but they seem to do well!)

greythorne I see your point, but especially if you have reached a point where you rarely use your mother tongue and your DC is a baby and doesn't communicate in any language it can be hard to stay motivated especially in the absence of support from your partner and family.

What you have achieved is great, but my OH and in laws weren't on board with me, so I also feel proud that I have a tri lingual daughter, even if her accent is a bit different to mine. I guess what I am trying to say is that of course complete native speaker fluency with a natural accent is the goal but if that is not possible any level of exposure and fluency is preferable to none at all, and it doesn't mean you are a failure as a parent.

When DD was a baby I didn't appreciate that biligualism is a continuum and thought of it as a binary bilingual/monolingual equation. I was always wondering whether I was using enough English to make her bilingual as though there are no variations in fluency. OP I think it would be a great shame if you didn't introduce your DS to your language enough to at least communicate well with family members and be able to feel settled in that society, and the more you can do the better. I promise you will find it so much easier once your DS is able to reply to you in your own language or sing along with a song. It is a really great feeling.

When DD was tiny I found chatting to her when alone hard. And was one coping with one language. So I sang as sing to myself all the time anyway. Nursery rhymes, pop songs, absolute nonsense whatever came to mind. Figured hearing any voice would do the trick.

I am trying to do that Redcaryellowcar (your family must love icecream!!) ie walking about and talking about what I'm doing but then without noticing I switch to English and when I realise I feel really guilty and stop talking whatsoever...but I suppose I just need to increase exposure as Maalia says.
And thanks Alteredimages I'm glad to hear that you've been successful with raising your DD to be trilingual while not sticking to strict discipline re what language you use when you're speaking to her. Fills me with confidence and motivates me to just keep going. My goal isn't for my DS to have a perfect accent or pronunciation I just hope he can understand/communicate to my parents.

Hi I'm in the same situation but I have left my home country over 20 years ago. No one else I know here speaks it. It gets easier to speak to your child once you get used to it. My parents can speak English but in family gathering no one will. DH knows how bad it is to be the only one who doesn't understand what's going on.

The really hard part of sticking to your own language is when your child is older I found. She really started to speak from 3yo. She has only ever replied in English. And it's very noticeable she can understand English much better. Sometimes I do switch to English to make sure she understood me. I know I shouldn't do it. My aim is just her understand my language even only speaks back in English.

My DCs aren't bilingual but we have lived abroad and I think you should persevere.

I'm sure your DCs will hugely benefit from it in the long run.

All I want to say is to keep it up. And don't feel like you are a failure. Keep reminding yourself why you are doing it.

Also because I left so long ago (as a teen) I felt I'm actually bad at both languages. I'm not a native speaker of English. But I also struggle to actually read in my native language, and I can write even less. I think it makes my situation quite unique. And possibly more like yours in that you are very comfortable or even more comfortable speaking English.

I couldn't name a lot of everyday objects in my own language. So I have been using the English words for them but within a sentence in my native tongue. Hope this experience helped if you are struggling with the same thing.

However the good thing is atm DD understands my parents on FaceTime. So at least it is partially working.

Thanks so much OneLittleToddlerTerror that is all I want to achieve with DS - that he understands the language.
Btw I too sometimes struggle with words in my mother tongue...I use google translate to remind myself haha it feels strange but a brilliant tool!!!

I am in exactly the same position, also lived in the uk for 10 years and little use if native tongue except with my parents over Skype. What helped me find my voice was spending a nice long holiday in my native country, any chance you could do the same if you're still on maternity leave? I hope the effects keep on! It also normalised using my language in front if my dp. But in the beginning I did wonder what you speak to a young baby to at all, no matter what language, this also became easier once she started to become more active, maybe it will be the same for you? ( my lo is 10 months now)
Incidentally I was exposed to English at a very young age, my mum was a childminder to an English boy and we were close friends with his family. Even though no one ever spoke English to me personally I think even this very limited exposure made learning English easier for me. So I think even a little helps!

Have a similar situation but DS is 2. I am finding it a bit easier now that he is talking a bit, but he probably doesn't get enough exposure to achieve fluency. Am planning to ramp it up a bit if I can.

Ironically when my mother visits she tends to speak English to him, while telling me I should be speaking more of our language!

I'm feeling exactly the same with DS (3) - it is so hard to speak to him in my native language (German), when everything around is in English. We have hardly any DVDs in German, and although we have quite a few German books, his current favourites are English ones. I am getting increasingly frustrated, which is not helped by the fact that he doesn't speak any German, just a few words that he incorporates into his speech - but he definitely has an accent when speaking German . He understands me when I talk to him (well, when he wants to, anyway!), but I find it very hard. Especially if we are with friends or DH's family, I usually cave in because constantly switching languages is exhausting.

I reckon I am getting increasingly out of practice, which is why it's becoming such an effort. No idea how to change that, though.

Understands, but responses in English seems to be a pretty common pattern & I probably wouldn't be too worried if DS got to that level.

I think you're right about practice. Am trying to read news in my language. Does your DH have any understanding? With us, my DP understands a bit, so have suggested that I start speaking to DS in my language when 3 of us ate together, as they will both pick up more then, and I won't be switching so much.