"I can see your (16 mo) daughter is contrary and difficult whereas ours is generally good."

[puzi]

...said to me today by a father of a 2yr old.

I am oversensitive, I know that, but I am finding socialising with friends who have children of a similar age quite isolating. My daughter is spirited and bright and challenging, but she is the apple of my eye and I don't need comments like that. Anyone had similar challenges?

OP,mI know what you mean about wondering what to do about such comments, when they are true.
My child was a right old cry baby for a long time...a real wimp, who wouldn't try anything and clung to me,until well past the age others did it. Was a bit of a party pooper. People sometimes commented on it, often quite nicely, but is was a bit hurtful, even though it knew it was true.
The way I dealt with it, was often to smile wryly and just say 'yes I know'. To the people who were not being unkind. I didn't feel there was any point in denying what was true. Sometimes I or they,would point out something more positive about child too.
Once child was of an age to have some reasoning skills, I did work on the issue a little. I realise that some of it is just personality, and child is actually still a bit wimpy. However, we discussed his fears and ways to cope with what he saw as scary situations and he has improved loads. I think part of our role as parents is to help our children deal with their more difficult personality traits.....not to crush their personalities, but to help them learn to interact with other people and be resilient.
Guess your child is probably a bit small for those conversations now, but the fact you are wise to her personality, rather than denying it, means that when the time is right you can help her address anything which might benefit from it. I guess, that even now, a little bit of gentle pointing out how her behaviour impacts others or how it comes across, done in an age appropriate way, isn't a bad thing.
Still not nice when someone else states what you know is true though! Resist the natural urge to bite back.

That's a rude thing to say. If he had said 'your daughter is high energy' or something similar, it's one thing but saying she is contrary and difficult is insulting. If he can't say anything nice he shouldn't say anything at all!

And most kids I know were difficult at 16 months. It's a tricky age because they get frustrated a lot.

Great pick out SirChin

Do you think it is you worrying too much about social niceties in a small group of friends with one DC or whether she is truly and markedly different to every child her age?

Regardless, if your pals you make you feel like you should stay in rather than socialise you do need a wider circle of friends.

My DD2 is 20 months and just coming out the other side of being a right moody little thing. At 16 months she was at her worst. Now though she's quite happy although even in her happy state she still shouts at me/for me every waking minute of every day.

Just think when that Father's children are older and he says things like that his children will be so embarrassed. And will avoid spending time with him. Karma.

Ah yes the "good" placid pfb (who then turned out to be on the as) followed swiftly by twins.
Smugness bites you on the arse quite hard.

SirChin & Tea a bit of both. I worry about the social niceties, definitely. But DD is different in that she absolutely loves rough & tumble and is very adventurous and cannot sit still (unlike all of our friends' kids!). She isn't more deliberately nasty/naughty than the others, which I am thankful for. I just need to relax and toughen up, I think! Chocolate Wombat thank you for your extended advice - much appreciated.

I should add that the father in question is very nice, as is his daughter, which maybe why it hurt a bit more :-/

It's OK to worry about the social niceties - that's what helps us ensure that our children are the not the kind that other people cross the street to avoid . It sounds from what you're saying that she's just a very lively little girl and your friends have quieter, more placid children - as opposed to a child who might need some kind of support or intervention.

Try not to let silly comments bother you - you may have a future sportswoman there, or she may be incredibly bright. Or both. Just make sure you are consistent with your boundaries and don't let her away with bad behaviour (which is what matters), give her lots of exercise and play, and let these comments wash over you

I agree with SirChin.

She sounds like a delight to be honest. I love a girl with a bit of spark. I find it so hard that it's acceptable for boys to love the rough and tumble but there's no 'boys will be boys' equivalent for a wee girl. May she soar and be the person she is destined to be - with lovely manners when it matters

dont say did you mean to be so rude
only PA twats say it

I think it sounds like you might need to get some blunt honest advice from mates - it might be that your daughter is hard to cope with - would you rather have that to address now? Or when she is at school?

There's quite a difference between a 16 month old and a 2 year old!

Bizarre. Ignore him! Most people I know with super easy / placid little kids get a wake up call at some point!

My 20mo is what could be described as "generally good"

It's got fuck all to do with my parenting, and is purely down to the fact that this particular baby was born with an innate desire to please people. I may have another in the future who is the same, or I might get a whirling dervish. The next one might actually sleep through the night before s/he turns 14 months which my "generally good" ds1 didn't, and still isn't consistent with it.

Ignore the smug bastard, it's easy to be the perfect parent for an hour or two when you're on display. Everyone's the Perfectest Wonderfullest Parent Ever on facebook, for example. I'd be most interested in exactly how much of the actual parenting he does; with the best will in the world, it's unusual for anyone but me to be looking after ds unless it's a "good" time for him

I'd challenge him as to whether he would have chosen such language to describe her behaviour if she was a boy. Given some of the gendered language used on here ('a real boy' being one that particularly annoys me) it seems highly likely he means she is not behaving the way girls are expected to.

Plus it is extremely rude. You wouldn't dream of criticising his daughter, why should he do the same to you? However 'nice' he is, this was unkind.

I have 2 wild spirits who are independant , funny, naughty, loving and never stop. I resort to draconian punishments in an attempt to control them ( sending to room, locking toys away, no TV etc ) even that does not work. We do loads of activities to tire them out. I know other people think it's our lax parenting .. Until they have one similar then admit to me that it's not easy

Oh and one of mine is a girl and one a boy. Both now exceed at sports and also in school ( school nursery and reception ). When people say how lively (they mean non compliant ) they are - I simply smile and say yes. I think .. thank god my kids are not wall flowers, are bright and determined as well as popular

"Your DD may be generally good sir, but you on the other hand are an odious bell end."

Did you mean to be so rude isn't PA It's quite a straight forward thing to say. I suppose saying That was rude is even more straight forward.

"Yes, she's a leader not a follower. That will serve her well later in life." Then you smile and breath.

or, breathe.

What an unhelpful thing for him to say.

As others have said I am sure there are some gender assumptions going on. Your DD could be behaving like boys are meant to behave, hence the idea she is being difficult rather than different.

I personally think it 95% nature. So bully for him he has a "good" DD, embrace your DD's spirit/differences. As the poster up thread said try to guide not squash her personaility.

If you are concerned about being not being included because of her, is there a close friend you could ask for their opinion?

The only response to an asinine statement like this is something anodyne like 'Oh really? Gosh, aren't you lucky?' and walk away.

Honestly, all children are different. Yours is still a baby when none of us can take any credit for anything our children do or do not do for the most part

you are being oversensitive. If he'd said that to me (and he could have easily about either of my dds) I would have responded with 'she's going to be a wonderful strong woman don't you think? '

I find it reassuring that they are strong it will serve them well in this world. The 5yo is actually good must of the time, as they gradually learn to channel it.

Relax op, as people frequently point out mine take after me

Smile, nod, ignore.

Smile nod and say " it's because she's so bright, intelligent children are always like this"