Can anyone relate to me or help me improve? Not Quite Good Enough Parent

[notquitegoodenough]

I would love either someone to tell me Im fairly normal or give me some practical tips on how to improve.

Dont want to give my real mumsnet persona away so Im just going to list things off the top of my head that I feel I am failing at rather than going into lots of detail.

Keep realising when kids have gone to bed that I have forgotten to get them to brush their teeth. Its on my mind alot of the time how bad it is so how the fck can i FORGET? DS has what I can see is a cavity at the back so how the fing hell can I forget, i should be on at him to do it MORE not less.

Cant seem to manage to consistently get homework and reading and spellings done. Do the some or most of the time depending on what kind of week Im having but not ALL of the time how it should be.

I feel the kids (3 of them) arent bathed regularly enough. If Im honest we probably average about once a week.

I never get round to ironing their clothes, maybe once a month or if there is some reason they "should" be ironed (smart day out etc)

Their bedtime routine is lacking, often I suddenly realise the time and they go from playing/being up and active to come on its bedtime and in bed within a few minutes. Luckily they usually go down well and sleep well but I feel that they deserve some winding down time.

Im lazy with discipline sometimes, know that I should be stopping them but turn a blind eye to stop me having to put the effort in to do the right thing. Again, sometimes/most of the time this isnt a problem.

More often than Im happy with Ive got them out of the door in the morning to realise they havent had a decent breakfast.

They dont do many extra curricular activities.

They should get more outdoor adventure than they do.

They watch too much TV

I do love them to death, absolutely adore them. And they love me.

In some ways I know Im fine, good even on some days maybe even brilliant.

~Im sure this isnt neglect as I couldnt live with that. Its just like im not quite good enough to get it right all the time and it really bothers me.

Feeling very low about it tonight.

My husband works away so Im very often doing it all on my own, have a good circle of friends but wouldnt ask for support as see them all doing everything right and I feel silly.

My Mum and Dad both died a few years ago so apart from some distant cousins I have no family support.

Im not depressed, at least not that Im aware of! Feel happy enough in between "god im useless" phases.

Awwww, poor you...but well...I can relate to your post pretty well and most of the points raised...well..I could have written myself...so....maybe we can be "notquitegoodenough" together!
Anyway, for what it's worth I think it sounds like you are doing fine!

try not to worry, but get them brushing their teeth!

I could have typed most of the OP myself.

You're not useless. Would you rather your children knew you loved them, or just remembered to brush their teeth every night?

Oh and snap for most of your post, and I'm not going incognito because I think I am good enough.

I forget their teeth brushing some days.
My dd's watch too much tv.
My ds's 9 and 6(Currently living with their dad) only get one bath a week with their dad,i try to get them bathed when overnight with me twice a week.
They don't do any clubs.
Also am lacking in a good bedtime routine.

So you are not alone in many things on your OP!

sounds like your normal average Mum to me,most important thing is LOVE

I KNOW how important teeth brushing is.

I have a dentist phobia, Im not sure if maybe that is linked.

However I do brush mine religiously twice or three times a day.

Yes, getting into a routine takes a while, maybe you should write down a plan and try it out and see how you get on. It doesn't sound like you are the type that likes routines much though. Are they maybe old enough to take responsibility for things like teeth? Get yourself a reminder, i.e. a timer that tells you its time to go for a bath and call them in, see how it goes?

I would say one thing at a time if you want to make a difference. Otherwise, you are giving them love, something some children don't have.

NQGE...maybe just brush them altogether?

yes, teeth brushing is the most important.

i think im going to try and implement a routine whereby at 7pm they get a wash/bath and brush their teeth every night

and straight after breakfast they go up and do them

its all so bloody obvious though

I think your doing ok,, yes there are areas you want to improve on but the most important thing is LOVE

Try doing just the most important thing to you - teeth brushing as you say this is important as teeth have to last a while.

Have a alarm clock that will sound off in time for bath/shower/wash and teeth and into PJ's then story or chat time before bed.

When you feel happy with that then add something else in like homework every night.

You're being too critical of yourself, no one gets it right all the time. Perfection is impossible. I bet if someone else posted your OP you'd be one of the first to tell them to give themselves a break. Better to be relaxed than constantly stressed out trying to get it 'right', believe me I spent years kicking myself because I wasn't getting it right all the time and that made me worse. Now I'm more relaxed about motherhood and that awesome responsibility even I can see I'm doing better - by which I mean I feel happier and more satisfied about the way I treat my dd than I did. She is behaving better too.

I have a friend who told me very early on that I should be satisfied with being a 'good enough mum'. Never forgot it but found it impossible to do for years. I'm getting better at being 'good enough' and the result is that dd is happier and more relaxed (therefore doing better at school, in her friendships and academically) and dh is happier and more relaxed too. In fact, we're all enjoying life much more.

I've only got one child to worry about; you've got 3 - three times the reason to give yourself a break. If it's good enough, then it's good enough iyswim.

I compare myself to friends and always come off worse.

All of my friends with kids all have a bath and hairwash every single night. That is what I feel I should aim for.

They all seemed to be immaculate in designer clothes too.

EtcEtcEtc

Don't know how old your kids are, but wrt teethbrushing/breakfasts could you not get them to have the extra special job of reminding you and a reward for example for doing so.Or have lots of reminders around the house - like on the bathroom door "brush teeth".
With regards to ironing - life's too short. I make sure I buy as much as possible clothes that don't need ironing, apart from special clothes that I iron as and when needed.
the bath thing for us is very muchpart of the bedtime routine, and includes teeth brushing. So dd and ds both have a bath every night because it's fun and is part of their winding down routine. But they are young. And my dh is here most nights and it's part of his time with them.
Why don't you maybe write down how you would like the evening to be structured, working back from the time you expect them to be in bed. No routine is set in stone though and I think it's really negative to be a slave to timings when you're having fun.
So long as your kids are happy and not obviously muddy/grubby and are wearing fresh clothes even if wrinkled and are getting enough food each day, then I think you should relax.

They have clean clothes every day.

If they are noticeable grubby they get a wash/wipe!

Hair brushed every day.

Food is something I feel strongly about. Home cooked meal about 90% of the time. Although some crap does sneak its way in.

They get cuddled, kissed, listened to and praised naturally, that bit isnt hard.

My kids are 2, 5 and 7

just give them a toothbrush and paste and let them get on with it, experiment with it

please stop beating yourself up. IMHO any one of us can only really be a 'good enough parent'...
If you didn't give a sht then you wouldn't be worrying. It's when you don't give a sht that there are likely to be real problems. I think most parents feel like this some of the time.
Enjoy your children and be kinder to yourself

Notquitegoodenough, stop trying to be the perfect mother! There is no such thing and people that tell you they are, are LYING! You sound like a fantastic mother to me, mainly because you care. You love your kids and they love you, that is important, not how often you bath them!! If we are rated as mothers on how often we bath our children, I must be the worlds worst mother!! Hugs for you XX
If you really want to feel you are organised write a chart like supernanny of your schedule for the day, you could do it with the kids might be fun.

I had an interesting conversation with my 8 yrold dd this evening, she sitting on toilet, me perched on edge of bath. Manic evening - I had done 6 boomerang trips with various children, my own and visitors, between 4 pm and 9 pm. Eldest ds on first date with new GF, middle ds out at martial arts class. DH still at work, granny washed and ready for bed. She says "we're a bit of a strange family aren't we?" Me: In what way do you think? she says:"Well, (older Brother) is a bit peculiar, (next brother) is mad on all his activities and always noisy, and I do think I am the most sensible, don't you?" Me: "Well I think everyone is nice, in their own way." "Well," she said, after a big sigh, "The most important thing is that we love each other, isn't it?" I couldn't agree more.

Meant to add that she also observed that house is always a tip and I can never find my handbag. We can all only do our best, and the most important thing is that children know when they are loved.