Can anyone relate to me or help me improve? Not Quite Good Enough Parent

[notquitegoodenough]

I would love either someone to tell me Im fairly normal or give me some practical tips on how to improve.

Dont want to give my real mumsnet persona away so Im just going to list things off the top of my head that I feel I am failing at rather than going into lots of detail.

Keep realising when kids have gone to bed that I have forgotten to get them to brush their teeth. Its on my mind alot of the time how bad it is so how the fck can i FORGET? DS has what I can see is a cavity at the back so how the fing hell can I forget, i should be on at him to do it MORE not less.

Cant seem to manage to consistently get homework and reading and spellings done. Do the some or most of the time depending on what kind of week Im having but not ALL of the time how it should be.

I feel the kids (3 of them) arent bathed regularly enough. If Im honest we probably average about once a week.

I never get round to ironing their clothes, maybe once a month or if there is some reason they "should" be ironed (smart day out etc)

Their bedtime routine is lacking, often I suddenly realise the time and they go from playing/being up and active to come on its bedtime and in bed within a few minutes. Luckily they usually go down well and sleep well but I feel that they deserve some winding down time.

Im lazy with discipline sometimes, know that I should be stopping them but turn a blind eye to stop me having to put the effort in to do the right thing. Again, sometimes/most of the time this isnt a problem.

More often than Im happy with Ive got them out of the door in the morning to realise they havent had a decent breakfast.

They dont do many extra curricular activities.

They should get more outdoor adventure than they do.

They watch too much TV

I do love them to death, absolutely adore them. And they love me.

In some ways I know Im fine, good even on some days maybe even brilliant.

~Im sure this isnt neglect as I couldnt live with that. Its just like im not quite good enough to get it right all the time and it really bothers me.

Feeling very low about it tonight.

My husband works away so Im very often doing it all on my own, have a good circle of friends but wouldnt ask for support as see them all doing everything right and I feel silly.

My Mum and Dad both died a few years ago so apart from some distant cousins I have no family support.

Im not depressed, at least not that Im aware of! Feel happy enough in between "god im useless" phases.

Write a notice with the word TOOTHBRUSH in big letters (get the children to do it?) and stick it up on the bathroom mirror. Tell the kids you keep forgetting toothbrushing so please can they help you by reminding you.
Other than that you sound fine. Generations of children were raised on one bath a week (or less).

My mother was seen by everyone else to be "the perfect mother" when we were growing up and I am sure that a lot of other mothers were envious or felt lacking in comparison.
She was strict about baths / hairwashing and we always looked immaculate ( all 5 of us )and the house was ALWAYS tidy.
We were however absolutely miserable living under this regime as it left no time for fun or laughter - my mother was completely exhausted and finally her health failed - in her forties.
We all sought out friends whose mothers were not so caught up in being perfect and who did allow mess even chaos to develop and I was sooooo envious of these firends and would have swapped places in a moment with them.
Dont beat yourself up we are all just doing the best that we can and some days we get it a bit more right than others.

Just wanted to add my support really, I do forget teeth cleaning, never iron etc. Also thought you may want to look at this thread in case you hadn't seen it before.

I also think that it is almost as if it is bred into us to feel we are not good enough/guilt/anxiety - and in 100% of cases it is not the case. If we worry about it then we are not bad parents IYSWIM.

Heres me - 3 kids also

• don't always brush teeth. Got better after ds1 had filling at 5!!! Shock and shame.

• don't do enough home cooking - tho getting better

• also inclined to turn a blind eye to some discipline issues to save saying 'No' again

-never, ever, ever iron except on demand

• they watch too much tv

• I don't play with them enough

• I let my 6 yr old play out

• Often eating toast or yoghurt on the way to school

-My 2 yr old always has dirty paint stained face and too small clothes. She is so gorgeous I don't care what she wears.

Really, in comparison with most mothers I know I am the crappest. It did get me down over the summer. I battle with it. I know exactly where you are coming from.

Just wanted to add my bit, I have similarly aged children to you ie. 7 ,4 & 3 - and I would say I'm very similar to you. The teeth brushing has got better since new term started partly because i stopped letting them watch tv after breakfast (which used to be my way of getting them to eat it). Now the extra 15 mins is for teeth, hair, shoes checking bags etc.

I lothe ironing, but do it very reluctantly about once every two weeks, which isn't enough. Oh, yes and I do it when the children are getting annoying, so I can hide in the front room and watch Eastenders on Sky Plus in the middle of the day without feeling guilty.

Our house is reasonably clean, the children are well fed etc homework is a struggle and not always done but and this is the most important. I know my children are happy, the are loved and they know it. It is impossible with three at this age to be perfect so I'll settle for great fun instead.

3littlefrongs what a lovely thing for your DD to say.

NQGE - who says you're not quite good enough? Whose opinion matters most - your kids! What do they say?

As for all these other perfect kids and perfect mums - it's a wll known fact that everyone else's kids are cleaner/better/prettier/cleverer/betterbehaved than yours, whoever you are.

And everyone knows that al the MNers who write in listing their child's accomplishments that day and how thy sat quietly through a classical concert before daintily eating a homegrown tomato and mozzarella sandwich on home baked brown olive bread are really just hairy arsed truckers in disguise. So there.

You sound like a great Mum to me. The only things I would try and change would be the toothbrushing and them having breakfast. All the others are passing things that don't really matter. The important thing is that a) they are loved, know they are loved & have fun b) you cook your own food and they are well nourished.

Crayon

I have three Nqde, with similar gaps and I could have written your post when mine were that age. And if mumsnet had been around then I probably would have felt like you do because despite all the good advice flying around on this site, it can sometimes make you feel like you just don't measure up.

It's bloody hard work. You are good enough, don't put yourself down.

Hi, I just thought I'd copy and paste your post and type my responses next to them

First, teeth >>>> Important but still not the end of the world if you/they forget sometimes.

Cant seem to manage to consistently get homework and reading and spellings done. Do the some or most of the time depending on what kind of week Im having but not ALL of the time how it should be. >>> Sympathies. I've only got one school age and one pre school and I find homework a pita, partic as we have to battle to get it done. Do your best, that's all you can do.

I feel the kids (3 of them) arent bathed regularly enough. If Im honest we probably average about once a week.

Do they smell? If so, sort it out, if not, who cares?

I never get round to ironing their clothes, maybe once a month or if there is some reason they "should" be ironed (smart day out etc)

I never iron ANYTHING, including my clothes. We all look fine, things are hung out as soon as they come out of the machine and we all look all right imo.

Their bedtime routine is lacking, often I suddenly realise the time and they go from playing/being up and active to come on its bedtime and in bed within a few minutes. Luckily they usually go down well and sleep well but I feel that they deserve some winding down time.

Don't see the big deal here, so what?

Im lazy with discipline sometimes, know that I should be stopping them but turn a blind eye to stop me having to put the effort in to do the right thing. Again, sometimes/most of the time this isnt a problem. >>>>> So don't worry about the bits that aren't a problem and just make sure you have strategies for those bits that are

More often than Im happy with Ive got them out of the door in the morning to realise they havent had a decent breakfast.

Can you get the older one to make it for all of them? cereal/toast is easy enough and my 8yo can do scrambled eggs. Or leave it out the night before.

They dont do many extra curricular activities. >>>> Mine neither, I can't be arsed and he doesn't want to.

They should get more outdoor adventure than they do. >>>> Mine too but there isn't time often

They watch too much TV

mine too

I do love them to death, absolutely adore them. And they love me.

mine too

In some ways I know Im fine, good even on some days maybe even brilliant.

So stop worrying and being so hard on yourself!

...works away so Im very often doing it all on my own, have a good circle of friends but wouldnt ask for support as see them all doing everything right and I feel silly.

Bet they don't all think they're brilliant. You're doing a great job if they're happy and loved and you're doing it alone, which is bloody hard. I really really don't think you're useless, I think it all sounds fine. Sorry, I can't even get worked up about the teeth! So I'm far more lax than you are if it's any consolation. Do you get to speak to other adults in the week? It must be lonely. You're doing very well imo.

Thanks all for your input

Was starting to feel much better and then discovered that DD has lice (AGAIN) Cant help but relate that back to maybe if they were pristine it wouldnt happen. And DS has pooed himself today, he used to have a problem with chronic constipation that seems to have returned resulting in accidents. That adds to the grimy feel I have.

Oh and Im probably not as bad as Ive painted myself. Im that you may think that they smell. They really dont. The once a week bath is a bare minimum. Its just the weeks when that happens I feel shit.

Im either completely on top of it or completely out of it.

On a brighter note little one woke me up this morning saying mummy, mummy Im brushing my teeth Im a good boy. Has he been reading mumsnet I wonder

lol at your ds and glad that you were feeling much better (before the nits). Dd seemed to have them permanently between reception and yr2 despite my best efforts. And I was often called into school because ds1 had had an accident.... or because ds2 had fallen asleep during story-time and they were loathe to wake him (I could see them desperate to ask 'what time does he go to bed BTW?')

That's life.

have only read op, not other posts but you sound like me! and i am good enough-so that means you are too!

lice are NOT a symptom of poor hygiene. Just as likely to get them on clean hair. FACT