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Parenting

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Original poster

How do we keep our children safe?

27 replies

dinny · 14/09/2006 08:17

Have read some of the awful thread about rape/assault and am so shocked as to how rife it is. How can we keep our children safe? What ammunition can we give them?

Just want to say to all those who posted, your courage is amazing. Dinny x

OP posts:

AngelaChill · 14/09/2006 11:08

It's not rife at all. We are safer today than 100 years ago, you cannot instill fear into children imo.

sorrell · 14/09/2006 11:09

Rape is rife. Just nobody reports it. I think the question of how we raise our daughters so they don't become victims is incredibly important. Self-esteem has to be key.

ilovecaboose · 14/09/2006 11:10

Also the question (as someone has put on the other thread) of how you raise your sons.

sorrell · 14/09/2006 11:10

I know four women personally who were raped by men they knew, and that's just the ones who have talked about it.

anniediv · 14/09/2006 11:11

I don't think it's a case of instilling fear, the idea of informing/educating is to provide strategies and confidence for avoiding situations as described by dinny.

sorrell · 14/09/2006 11:11

Well, yes, but I feel fairly confident in the way I raise my sons, but I need to find a way to protect my daughter from other people's sons.

ilovecaboose · 14/09/2006 11:14

I think one of the main things that we should teach our children is that they will always be believed by us. No matter what they were doing or who told them to keep quiet. That we will always believe them because that will take some of the power away from those who believe they can abuse because - 'who will believe them anyway'.

Also it always ok to say no at any point, no matter what has gone on before that.

I'm sure there are plenty of other things as well.

winnie · 14/09/2006 11:16

having high self esteem does not stop you being raped

sorrell · 14/09/2006 11:18

But a lot of women agree that they 'gave in' to men, or got themselves into situations where they were in bed with men because they felt it was 'impolite' to say no, or because they felt they ought to. That's what I meant by high self esteem.

sorrell · 14/09/2006 11:18

The drinking culture frightens me too.

ilovecaboose · 14/09/2006 11:30

Sorrell I wasn't inferring that all boys are taught that this is acceptable behaviour and I'm sure you are bringing your boys up to know this.

However of my male friends, who are kind, caring and well brought in general up they have never been talked to about this. They see rape as a terrible thing, but still would see a woman who has gone to a certain point as not having the right to say no as she has consented up till then.

I think there are a large amount of boys/men out there that need to be taught on this point. Of course girls need to be educated as well.

Mercy · 14/09/2006 11:42

From Issymum on the other thread

"To those of you who have been abused or assaulted, what, if anything, do you think your parents or other adults in your life who wanted to protect you, could have done to keep you safe or at least reduce the chances of these things happening? More information, more practical warnings about dangerous situations, building up your confidence and self-esteem to say no, disentangling compliance from love? Anything? "

I don't think my parents could have done very much tbh. Their generation wasn't as sexually active as mine either in terms of number of partners or having sex so early on in a relationship. I was a student when I was assaulted. I remember one student was almost raped, perhaps that would have been a good time for a more detailed practical warning. From whom though?

I've had far more experience of sex than my parents, so will have far more idea of what my children could be getting into. And I fully intend to give them examples of what to avoid, how to behave etc.

ilovecaboose · 14/09/2006 11:45

But what if the next generation is even more sexually active wouldn't we be put in the same position as our parents?

Mercy · 14/09/2006 11:51

Not necessarily, because I hope my children will not be as sexually active as I was, I will explain the potential problems before they begin their sex life.

My parents were teenagers in the pre-pill days, so fear of pregnancy was massive. That fear no longer exists.

Piffle · 14/09/2006 11:53

Dinny
I've been raped, stalked and assaulted
With the right family and support, you learn to get over it...
My mother could never have protected me against any of those things.

ilovecaboose · 14/09/2006 12:00

MErcy - do you then think that the more open attitude we have about discussing these things with our children, the better we are able to keep them safe and also aware of what could happen?

Not criticsing just asking

My parents never discussed this sort of thing with me. They made sure I knew what sex and contraceptives were but didn't go into rape etc. I assume they assumed I knew as much as I needed to.

winnie · 14/09/2006 12:00

sorrell, I understand the point you are making.

AngelaChill · 14/09/2006 12:41

What if the next generation are less sexually active does that protect them ?
I think I am old fashioned but my hope is that my girls won't sleep with anyone at all until they are in a committed relationship, hopefully marriage, I'd like to ensure that they don't get into situations where they are saying no and the boy they are with doesn't love them enough to stop.
Maybe we will go the other way, our parents had free love and we will be cherishing virginity in this generation ?

Piffle · 14/09/2006 12:45

I was a virgin when I was raped AC
I don't think rape is necessarily a side effect of promiscuity.
Rape is not confined to girls about town.

Piffle · 14/09/2006 12:46

Although conversely promiscuity was a side effect of rape... For me anyway.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 14/09/2006 12:49

Agree Piffle.....

AC - you cannot ensure that. Because these situations can seemingly arise out of "nothing". All you can do is encourage your girls to speak up should something happen.

Punishment of the perpetrators is the only defence. IMO.

AngelaChill · 14/09/2006 12:51

I appreciate that but surely if you're making out and in a situation whereby the signals could be misread then you are more vunerable, i know i slept with men i didn't really want to but felt we'd gone past the point of no return. I just shouldn't have been in that position in the first place.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 14/09/2006 12:58

I wont have the "misread signals" argument. Sorry. I think I'll leave this thread because I dont have any advice on how to keep children safe from this and the perpetuated myths are clouding my reasonableness.

AngelaChill · 14/09/2006 13:10

VVV i'm not suggesting there is ever any excuse/defence/justification at all

Original poster

dinny · 14/09/2006 13:12

Have just ordered a book Issymum (I think) mentioned on another thread called The Right Touch. Hope that will be helpful.

Angela, no means no means no.

VVV, sorry you feel you have to leave the thread.

OP posts:

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