at the beach today listening to SO MUCH over-parenting

[GretchenWiener]

So there I am, lying with eyes shut with several families around. really nice day and lots of happy playing by lovely kids.

but OMG - parents give your kids a sodding break. Endless instructions issued, everything micromanaged to the Nth degree. Kids told the same thing three times in about two minutes when they are obviously doing something else first (all surf board related).
I really felt for them.

When I read how to talk ( the book) it said that we all do it. Today it seemed super true. Do you over instruct or question?

I was on the beach yesterday ALONE and witnessed classic male-persuasive parenting by enthusiastic dad - come on Amelia, WHY don't you want to go in the sea, BIG girls like playing in the sea, be a BRAVE girl Amelia, look at all the children in the sea, daddy is going in the sea to have fun

Poor Amelia is about 2.5, left in her mini deck chair by dejected 'my kid's a wuss' dad

I remember the SW french coast in the early 80s - parents blasé about the HUGE waves

Dingalong It wasn't a proper holiday if you didn't end up crying on the beach because you were lost.

My DDs have never been lost on a beach.

When he was 2 or 3 I taught my son to say "three fours are twelve" and encouraged him to repeat it in public.

Haha! That's brilliant, Panzee.

oh ffs typos, try harder. Mine left the beachside park ( one of them aged about 6) and walked ACROSS A ROAD to the car park.

I still shudder

DH does a fair amount of loud/over parenting
He coaches 5-8 year olds and gets a bit too used to:
'Watch the ball Jack, eye on the ball Jack' type instructions over and over again because Jack isn't listening
And it occasionally carries on into real life which is a touch mortifying.
Whereas even though I'm a childminder I tend to favour the shut up and listen to the children approach. They can teach parents a lot if the adult would just keep quiet sometimes.

We love going to hotels frequented by a certain class of parent and watch them 'parent' their children. We seen some brilliant examples of micro managing. We especially like the ones who try to get their toddlers to sit down and do a jigsaw when the kids just want to run around and let off steam. Ds1 and ds2 treat it much like a spectator sport and still quote some of the things they've overheard years later the event!

'After'

oh yes

Yes, it can go the other way as well - dd1 coined the phrase 'Shouty Families' from her 7year old observations of parenting on a blazing hot Camber Sands beach

I must sound like this with DS2. I get sick of the sound of myself sometimes. He has ADHD and is hugely impulsive, runs into roads, jumps onto train lines, that sort of thing.

I sometimes think I should let up on him a bit but tbh I would rather be accused of over parenting than face the wrath of someone whose toddler has been pushed over in the sand or had their castle kicked over.

Thankfully he's improving a bit with age and i try to go to deserted places to play. ??;-)

Poor Amelia.
If she was called Tracey no-one would care.

themightyfandango Same here, although ds1 is 8yo and still needs constant "talking down" in situations where we're around a lot of people or something new - which is pretty much everywhere you go on holiday.

So yes, while we were at the beach, I had to helicopter parent and have a constant conversation with the dcs - to keep ds1 from falling apart at having people near him, and seagulls flying past, and the noise of the waves on the beach, and the feel of the sand under his feet. But at least he's had his first ever holiday and managed to enjoy it. So I don't give a merry fuck if someone thinks I was overparenting or loud parenting or whatever. Judge away.

alicedoesn't and themighty My DS is currently going through assessment for ASD and dyspraxia and I have to helicopter parent for his safety, so I totally get what you mean. His spatial awareness is non-existent, anxiety levels are high and when you combine that with sensory overload and impulsiveness, I have no choice to be on high alert when we are out and about. Alice I totally get what you mean about getting sick with the sound of your voice, I get fed up too.

However, most of the behaviour of parents described on this thread (especially on the beach/holiday mode) are over-parenting their NT children who just want to play. I often think "Just let them be."

My DIL is an overparenter - never leaves her DC alone, constant instructions. Drives me crazy.

Good lord! I'm not able to get to the beach, but not sure if I'm sad or relieved after reading this thread :)

Agree. Leave them alone fgs

I'd rather hear 'over-parenting' than 'don't give a fuck' parenting be honest.

This is why parents get no joy or satisfaction from parenting for fear of having the piss ripped out of them. No one knows what the hell they're doing anymore, too much, too little, helicoptering, loud parenting. FFS, stop judging an get on with parenting your own.

HI Princess! did you read the post distinguishing all the different types? Or indeed the thread?

Oh and Welcome to Mumsnet!

The thing with over parenting is that it's driven by a constant fear that something negative will happen. Sometimes you have to let kids work things out for themselves, obviously don't want them to come to any harm but "benign neglect", the art of under parenting, requires a greater degree of confidence and discretion than constant micro-managing.

In some ways it's lazier to over parent than use your judgment and back off!

The thing with being judgemental of other's parenting is that it's driven by a constant fear that someone else might judge you as well. It's hardly displayed by someone that has any degree of confidence or discretion, as they obviously cannot comprehend that any way of parenting other than their own is appropriate, so therefore it must be a threat to them and be ridiculed instead.

In some ways, it's easier to judge other parents than to just be an adult and back off, letting other parents do things their own way.

I don't worry people might judge me. Do you?

Managing children is not that different to managing people, you have to adapt your style to your child/the individual, if your child genuinely needs close supervision that isn't over parenting but my impression (not judgment but observation, including of my DH) is there isn't any conscious exercising of discretion that they will positively intervene or positively back off, it becomes almost a reflex to almost always do one or the other.

I should add it's just as lazy to only ever under parent. I don't think one size fits all, the challenge is getting the balance right. Can't say I've managed it. My natural style is to be quite directive, have had to force myself to under parent a bit more in some situations.