Not bonding as a mother- doesn't feel like my baby

[joeybrownbill]

Hi, my baby is now 2 and a half weeks old. I'm so glad he's here and enjoy caring for him but feel like I've reached a barrier in bonding with him. I had a difficult birth- he was a month premature, and i lost a lot of blood so I was pretty out of it when he was born and placed on my chest. I certainly didn't have that gushing with love moment that i had expected as my blood pressure fell dangerously low.

He then got taken away to nicu for a few hours.

I was very unwell those first few days and I barely remember them. I don't remember him returning or our first hug. I was wired up so not able to hold him properly.

I know rationally that this will have prevented my from bonding and so not to beat myself up too much. But I can't help but think something is wrong. I also have this underlying fear that he's not my baby. It's not even so much that I think he was swapped, but rather, when I hold him, I just don't feel like he's mine. It feels like we're looking after someone else's baby. It's horrible and makes me feel so sad. I know it's silly but an going to get a DNA test as I think it will reassure me.

Feeling blue.

Didn't want to read and run hope fully someone will be along with some advice soon but I think its quite normal to have these feelings so please don't feel alone. It's very early days yet and you and baby are still getting to know each other x

Bonding is something that happens gradually (in my experience). This soon after birth I'm sure your hormones are still up and down and for me that made a massive difference to how I felt day to day.

When my DS was born it was with some difficulty and I was in shock immediately after. I refused to hold him I was so out of it. I just kept telling my husband to cuddle him while I had 'a minute'. There was certainly no immediate out pouring of love or instant connection as I was too tired and shocked by the birth to even think.

He stayed with me in hospital for a few days but needed treatment which meant I wasn't allowed to hold him and he had to stay in the incubator for a couple of days. I don't really remember those days in detail now DS is 2yo. I must have slept. We also had trouble feeding him and he never breastfed.

All of these things made those first few days and weeks very challenging and it took me weeks (and months) to recover from the birth. I don't think I felt 'back to normal' until DS was about 7 months.

I guess what I'm trying to say is not to assume that things happen the way you expect them to, babies are a big responsibility and the first few days and weeks are all about recovering your health and learning to live with a new (demanding) person in the house.

I certainly felt concerned about DS when we were at home and always picked him up when he cried, fed him when he was hungry and cuddled him in between, and these things all help to build a relationship that (I found) got stronger as time went on.

I certainly feel like a 'normal' mother and that I bonded/have a loving relationship with DS but I also felt very up and down in those first few weeks.

If you're worried, speak to someone about things, either family, friend, partner or health visitor and just keep an eye on how you feel going forward. I hope you feel happier and more confident soon. Although sleep deprivation makes everything seem much worse!!!

Not feeling an overwhelming gush of love is absolutely normal. They are funny little people in the early days, especially with your first and after a tricky start.

Fearing to the point of wanting a DNA test does sound beyond the average challenge, though, and very much like some level of PND.

Have you talked about this to a trusted person? Or to your doctor, midwife or HV? They will absolutely not take him away, and they will be able to give you some extra support to help you get through the tricky first weeks. With some help this will quite likely be a slow start and you'll look back on this in a few months with an armful of snuggly baby and feel like it was a lifetime ago. Without help you could easily end up feeling far worse and really struggling. By all means pursue other avenues as you need but please please talk to someone.

I did not bond with my first until about 6 months after. She was a difficult birth, I could not breast feed and expressed all her feeds. It was not until I went back to work and she was waning that I truly felt like her mum.

I felt shocked and really scared about what I had done to my nice life.

Be careful with yourself talk your feelings over and it will happen. I decided to fake it until I made my feelings real, not sure this is the best advice though.

Awwwwwww lass - what you are describing is not so different from many other mums

There is a big myth perpetuated that there is an immediate rush of love and pressure to do all these things to "bond" with you baby

In reality it happens over time as you both get to know each other - not unlike all other human relationships

My first was hard with post birth issues. I didn't sleep properly for the first two years. I love my son deeply and truly but it happened over time.

Please don't pressure yourself to some preconceived or told standard of "normal bonding" because it just doesn't exist

Also make sure you are getting help from your parent, family if possible, and medical professionals - please make sure you talk to them so they can watch for pnd - and just take care of you generally

Hang in there love - and keep posting

The one thing I have told pregnant friends is not to assume you will just be besotted from day 1. My BF told me recently that it was the best piece of advice she had had.

I have had two difficult births leaving me very weak and both times had feeding problems for around 5 weeks (in fact both times the first 6 weeks were hell). I remember staring at my babies and just finding it surreal. I felt a strong need to protect them at first but I think actual bonding can take weeks. With the second I was prepared for this and it didn't worry me.

I think wanting a DNA test might suggest you should chat to someone about the possibility of PND as the other posters have said. I have had this too and had a lot of support from my GP and HV (amazing care actually) so please don't be scared of this.

Things will get better!

Sorry ... parent = partner (stupid auto correct)

Sorry ... parent = partner (stupid auto correct)

I didn't have a rush of love either. I was expecting this whole wow moment that you read about, in reality I just thought oh my god what have I done! I remember thinking she was really amazing, but the rush of love no. It's only now I talk to others and everyone says the same. At 2.5 weeks after birth I was still an emotional wreck and crying lot! Don't beat yourself up about it. I'm 15 weeks in now and things have changed a lot. I'm completely head over heals in love with her, it does take time to bond.

As everyone else has said.. At 2.5 weeks I felt very odd about my son still. We had a difficult birth. I met him 6 hrs after giving birth when he was incubated. I first held him 48 hours later. It was rubbish.

As for not thinking he's yours... My dh saw our son before he was whipped away and said the baby in he incubator looked like the same. I had a tiny niggle that it would be very easy for the hospital to confuse the babies. Then my parents got out the baby photos. He looked exactly like my big sister and by 6 months he is a perfect mix of me and my dh (so that random strangers comment in the street).

Try to just go through the motions for a couple more weeks. Then see how you feel. But do talk to your hv, gp, partner as they will be able to support you. I honestly think it's hard to love something that has caused your body so much turmoil not to mention the rest of your life!

K

You are doing so well at 2.5 weeks considering what a trauma you had. It is so normal to feel like this. I was lucky an old friend of the family told me not to worry if I didn't 'bond' immediately, it's normal and happens to loads of us especially if the birth was difficult. I felt exactly like you did (I had a 3 day labour and third degree tear at the end of it) I was so poorly after the birth, my scar kept getting infected and I felt generally awful that I couldn't bear it everytime DS woke up. He is 12 weeks today and honestly I feel so much better but it did take until 2 months to feel like he was mine and that I adored him. Having lots of smiles and giggles just for me was what triggered it ;) take care OP, keep talking and definitely chat to your HV/GP whoever you feel most comfortable with. Doing this stopped me from getting PND and having my mum and dad around. Lots of love x

It's so heartening to see this thread; I had a pretty boring birth with DS1 but it was still the biggest thing that had ever happened to me and it took me months to really get used to him. I certainly didn't have any rush of love. As the rest ofyou have said, I was very interested in looking after him but didn't really have any cooey 'Ooh my squishy baby' moments.

TBH, I don't think I ever did with DS1. Ds2 was born 13mo later and I absolutely cooed over him still do. I think maybe it's because I needed time to adjust to this massive life overhaul with ds1 and so didn't have mental space/ability for being lovey, whereas ds2 just slotted right into our lives and I knew more or less exactly what I was doing and that my life now revolved around him and his brother. I think that for me it was about being secure and confident, which I certainly wasn't with ds1.

Having said all that, the DNA test idea is a bit disquieting. Does the baby look like you at all? That might make it easier for you to believe he's yours. I'd go to the doctor and ask about PND rather than ask HVs, but then I have a rather low opinion of my local HVs and their out of date or just plain missing medical knowledge.

I didn't get an overwhelming gush of love either.

My birth was tricky but not terrible. I was able to cuddle dd right away. Took 3 days and lots of stress to get her to feed as well.

Think I started feeling like she was mine when she was fairly old (in terms of a baby) around 4/5 weeks I reckon. Think I was in shock and so stressed I was just getting through each day.

Dd is now 22 mo and we have very much bonded. Sometimes bonding just takes a little longer. It all evens out in the end though x

You are not alone! My DS is almost 1yo now and I felt like that for the first 6 months. I had a difficult pregnancy, followed by a horrible induction and birth. DS and I we're both poorly after and we stayed in hospital for a week which was vile. He then had undiagnosed tongue tie so breastfeeding was horrendous for 5 weeks then we gave up so felt a failure as couldn't do the basic task of feeding my baby. He was a very unsettled newborn and it turned out he had silent reflux which meant he snack fed, cried lots and didn't sleep for more than 1.5 hours for 6 months. I had some very dark days, the worst being we're I nearly shook him (thank god I stopped myself). Another was telling the HV I didn't want to be a Mum anymore.

It wasn't until we got medication for the reflux, he could sit up and I weaned him did it improve. We also got help from a sleep trainer which was revolutionary! Once I got some sleep and his happy personality had a chance to shine through did I really enjoy being his Mummy and the bond flourished from there.

I look back at those 'dark days' with a shudder. I survived them but that was about it. I envied my friends who seemed to 'enjoy' their newborns. Now however I couldnt feel more different. I have such a super boy and love him so much. So much so we're TTC #2!

Your bond will develop and get stronger. I think it is tough when you have a hard birth. Also hormones and sleep deprivation play havoc with emotions. Try and lean on friends and family. Even if it's to get some fresh air, have a chat/cry, get done sleep. I also found MN a huge support. Small things can really help.

Love your post LadyCybil and so true.I felt detached from DS1 for a long time but now realise I was suffering with PND. When he was about 8 months it was as if a fog lifted and I have loved him dearly for many years

It's is a common feeling, I was the same. When I held my dn the day she was born I felt my heart skip a beat.

When I held my son.......nada, not a thing. I had emcs under ga and he was in an incubator due to breathing issues when born.

They took me in to meet him and I looked at him and thought poor wee mite, but he could have been anyone's. he didnt look like me or dh and I constantly looked at him and thought, maybe he was the wrong baby (but my logical side knew he wasn't).

It was such a disappointment to not get that skip a beat feeling again with my own baby.

This will sound really weird, and honestly i'm not, i used to try to force my feelings by imagining someone telling me he'd died, and it would make me cry. It was such a strange feeling, I could make myself cry thinking something had happened to him but i still felt as if he wasnt mine. I never shared those feelings with anyone.

he's 10 now and my world, but there wasn't ever a wow moment, it just gradually crept up on me bit by bit over the first year.

Thanks so much all for your replies. It's good to hear that others have felt the same but it's got better. I'm racked with guilt about not loving him the way I'm supposed to.

Regarding the DNA test. My husband is sure it's the right baby but is supportive if I want test, which is what the health visitors have said too.

Baby doesn't look like either of us and I just don't feel this connection. I went along to a mum and baby group the other day and other mums were saying 'I can't imagine life without him/her' and 'this is the best thing that's ever happened to me'. I had to leave because I just don't feel like that yet and it made me so upset. It's like I'm missing the mothering gene. Someone else said how the smell of your baby is the best thing ever. I know it's silly, but my baby just smells like a baby! It's all these little things added together.

I want to be able to look him in the eyes and for my heart to tell me that he's mine and love him beyond anything else. Like other mothers do.

I really can't equate the baby I hold on my arms to the thing that was kicking inside me. Or to the thing that I have a very hazy memory of giving birth too. It doesn't seem real.

So I think a DNA test might just give me some assurance

Joey, it's really important I think, to let go of any thoughts of "should do", "ought to", "supposed to" etc. No two women have the same experiences and reactions to birth and becoming a parent. There is no should/ought/supposed to.

There is no need for guilt (I know saying it doesn't make it go away) - everybody is entitled to their own reaction to a life changing event. Nothing you have described is wrong or inappropriate. It's ok to feel how you are feeling, given what happen when your ds was born. I also think that if a DNA test will help you, then why not.

I also had a difficult birth and my son was taken straight to SCBU after an EMCS. I was ill and didn't see him for well over 24 hours. I was worried that I didn't recognise him and that he wouldn't recognise me. I couldn't hold him for a fair while and it took a long time to get breastfeeding going.

When we got home, I felt a sense of responsibility and a strong sense of protection for my DS, but not any kind of stereotypical love for him. But gradually as I got to know him that side of the feelings grew and grew.

Take it one day at a time, and don't try and judge yourself against an artificial and non existent "perfect mother".

t's really important I think, to let go of any thoughts of "should do", "ought to", "supposed to" etc. No two women have the same experiences and reactions to birth and becoming a parent. There is no should/ought/supposed to.*

This.

I know what you mean about feeling upset at how lovey dovey other people seem to feel though. I'd be surprised if you were the only one in the group hiding your true feelings, in fact.

I finally started cooing over ds1 when he turned about 2.5. That was when I started to think he was rather wonderful, unlike at birth with ds2. It does happen, just not necessarily immediately.

OP, I just wanted to add to what everyone is saying about this feeling at the start being totally normal. Those first few weeks are such a blur.

I imagined that when my DS was born I would instantly recognise him but all I remember feeling was that I had just been handed this total stranger!

I think a lot of new mums say things like that as it's what people think you should say and they are worried people will think they are not normal if they say anything negative or don't beam when they are asked how it is having a baby. The reality is that it is terrifying and the wonderful stuff grows very steadily over time.

I think that a DNA test will help.

Our first birth was emc after 3 day induction. We were terrified. Won't do details but was terrifying and I'm not sure I was fully compos mentis for several weeks. The trauma I think in hindsight was shocking.

I think you might be in shock. I think talking to midwives at the hospital would help. I'd also, and don't want to belittle it, wonder if I was a bit Post traumatic stress. It's the most frightened I've ever been.

What you describe rings some gentle bells. I'd treat as if shock. So sorry. Hope u ok soon xxxx

Joey I really felt for you after your post. You aren't missing any mothering gene, and it's often best to ignore comments by other mothers at this stage... Having had a few more and with my friends opening up a bit after a while, I now realise that NOONE has it sorted in their first baby's first few weeks! If they have a good sleeper then you can bet that they are still recovering from a tricky delivery (or that they are about to get a shock when their sleepy newborn wakes up). Or if they already adore their little person then you can bet that they are struggling with breastfeeding, or that their partner isn't loving being a dad yet, or that their mum died a year ago and this is making them miss her, or that they just wish they could have some time to do proper hair and makeup... The list goes on. If anything, IME the more a mum goes on about adoring her baby and loving motherhood in every way at this stage, the more I'd suspect she's having a lot of private struggles but feels that she has to keep a perfect exterior.

Do of course go ahead with the DNA test, only you know what your instincts are telling you and in any case it may put your mind at ease. But do also look up how often the 'wrong baby' concern is a worry for mothers who are actually suffering with PND and PTSD - so maybe alongside organising the test, you could make some time to chat with a supportive midwife or your GP or a counsellor? You are doing a great job already, and you deserve all the support you want and need

Sounds like you had a really rough start to things. I would agree with others to allow your self time to let feelings grow. I have parented a non biological baby, was a week old when he arrived & initially I was just "looking after someones baby" over time feelings grew until within a short while I loved him to bits. If a dna test will set your mind at ease then do it, you may feel more able to connect if this worry is gone.

I had similar situation with ds1 also 4 weeks early, induced birth and back to back delivery, ending with ventouse then ds1 whisked off to scbu while i lost a lot of blood and was stitched up. Ds1returned only to be sent back to scbu that night for almost a week.
On a v positive note, he is now three and we get along brilliantly in fact he's like a lovely mini best friend and certainly the person i most like to spend my days with.
When i was feeling all wobbly and insecure a great hv suggested that we have baths together and also go to baby massage, the bath thing is best when you have a space pair of hands e.g dh/dp to lift baby in and out for you.
I would also suggest you spend lots of time just being with baby, snuggle up and feed, and if bottle feeding still do this and make sure you are the one to do most of the feeds, or all of them.
I think its a hard time as what you were expecting from the birth didn't happen and i think there is an element of coming to terms with it.might be worth asking if you'd hospital does a birth afterthought service where you go in and a specialist midwife talks through your notes with you. You might not feel ready yet, but i did this when i was expecting ds2 and found it very helpful.
Do hope you begin to feel brighter soon. Please use hv & gp if you don't feel great, they are almost always very supportive!