Not bonding as a mother- doesn't feel like my baby

[joeybrownbill]

Hi, my baby is now 2 and a half weeks old. I'm so glad he's here and enjoy caring for him but feel like I've reached a barrier in bonding with him. I had a difficult birth- he was a month premature, and i lost a lot of blood so I was pretty out of it when he was born and placed on my chest. I certainly didn't have that gushing with love moment that i had expected as my blood pressure fell dangerously low.

He then got taken away to nicu for a few hours.

I was very unwell those first few days and I barely remember them. I don't remember him returning or our first hug. I was wired up so not able to hold him properly.

I know rationally that this will have prevented my from bonding and so not to beat myself up too much. But I can't help but think something is wrong. I also have this underlying fear that he's not my baby. It's not even so much that I think he was swapped, but rather, when I hold him, I just don't feel like he's mine. It feels like we're looking after someone else's baby. It's horrible and makes me feel so sad. I know it's silly but an going to get a DNA test as I think it will reassure me.

Feeling blue.

[Thumbwitch]

Have you had a birth "debrief"? It sounds pretty traumatic from what you've said, you might still be in a level of shock from it, which would be acting as a blanket over your feelings anyway.

I didn't get any "rush of love" either with either DS - in fact I didn't really realise DS2 was a baby straight after he was born, he was just this "thing" that I'd been struggling to eject and finally managed it, and then when he was put on my chest I was all "WTF IS THAT?!" before I remembered what I'd been doing and realised it must be the baby. It was less than a minute though, I think, although I couldn't be sure.

If the DNA test is what you need to "prove" it's your baby, then go ahead and get it done - but I think what you really need is some decent therapy/counselling to get over the trauma of your birth experience.

[lola88]

I didn't get the rush of love either and also had a difficult birth I think when your body has gone through so much trauma you are in shock and retreat into yourself so you don't have these amazing feeling that you hear so much about but it does come it slowly instead of one big rush once your baby gets a little older and he starts to smile at you and babble you will start to fall in love with him. When DS was 4 months old I said I was going back to work because I couldn't handle being with him but I stuck it out (thankfully) and it got better now he's my little sidekick I could actually cry with pure joy just to look at him we cuddle up in bed every morning and watch cartoon and he kisses me and says he loves me and I just think all those shit months were totally worth it.

I don't think it helps that we are expected to gush over how wonderful our babies are and how much we adore every second of motherhood bla bla bla it puts so much pressure on you to have these feelings which can actually stop the natural bonding from happening. I found telling the truth when people said how is being a mum helped just saying it's so hard and I struggle you would be amazed the amount of people who will tell you they felt the same at one point or another and stops mums who find it easy being unintentionally insensitive.

Go easy on your self you will get there and in 2 years time it will be you telling someone else how much you love your son and it was all worth it x

[Alizzle]

Please don't feel that this is something you should 'get over' or deal with alone. I felt like that with ds(now two) and we still struggle now. I was bogged down with how I thought I should feel and ended up feeling like now I can't remember much of the first 6 months. Talk to more people about this (ie dr) as I don't think your hv sounds like she's picking up on it or dealing with it properly. Big hugs and you're doing a brilliant job. xx

[toomuchtooold]

I remember the day after my twins were born, my DH looking at DT1 and saying "my god, look at her little ears" in this tone of awe. I looked at him like he'd been at the gas and air! Mind, he had had a full night's sleep while I'd been up for about 48 hours straight at that point...

Like others who have posted I don't think it's uncommon to not bond immediately - I felt like I liked them more as I got to know them (and think they're pretty cool now at 2 and bit, not to say that I don't grab any kid-free time like a drowning woman grabs a lifebelt). And at a month premature they're still pretty shocked by the world and don't really interact, if I remember anything correctly. But if you're really feeling down about it talk to the HV or GP - someone sympathetic. Some of them are better than others.

[Writerwannabe83]

I didn't have a rush of love either.

I had DS via ELCS and when they held him up for me to see I didn't feel anything. The obstetricians were telling me, "here's your baby" but it could have been anyones. When they were closing me up my DH was holding DS and although they were sitting next to me I wasn't overcome with emotion or desperate to hold DS. When I was wheeled into recovery I was able to hold DS for the first time but when they placed him in my arms all I could think about was asking for something to eat. I remember them putting him to my breast and wheeling me back to he ward and I just didn't feel anything. It was very surreal. I was in hospital for 3 days and I don't think I formed the 'normal' bond at all whilst I was there. I would look at all the other mothers gush over their babies and inwardly worry about what was wrong with me, why wasn't I feeling like that?!

I think it took a good few weeks before I felt a true bond to DS and as the weeks passed and his little character came out more I found myself loving him more and more. Two and a half weeks is still a very short time period following a difficult birth so try not to pressurise yourself so much.

As has been said though, the fact that you feel you actually want to get the baby DNA tested is perhaps something to be concerned about. Did your HV express any concerns about you wanting to do this?

[mrstiggy]

I had a perfectly normal birth with ds1. A bit quick and scary, but totally average otherwise. I sill felt like I was babysitting at first and his 'real' parents would turn up at some point. I knew in my head he was mine, I just didn't feel like a 'parent'. It came, with time. With my other two it came quicker, but I already was a parent so it came naturally. Please don't assume you are 'doing it wrong' in any way.
As for baby group mum's, many of them deep down feel the same, in varying degrees. It's a case of parroting what they think they should say. You are more likely to be in the majority than you think. Most of the mum's I know admit to feeling like this too in the beginning when we all talk about it now. Doubt any of us would have admitted it to each other at the time though!
Obviously get the test if it will help, and keep talking to your dh and the hv. But please don't feel alone in feeling this way.

[bakingtins]

I had a horrendous time with DS2, massive PPH leading to me collapsing and needing surgery, I didn't even see him for about 8 hours and then was too weak to hold him. I felt unwell and ended up having transfusions weeks later. He had silent reflux and screamed all the time and we were all miserable. it was so different from the lovely experience I'd had with Ds1 who had a very peaceful water birth, uninterrupted skin to skin and was a much more laid back and sunny baby.
There does seem to be a window of time immediately after a non-traumatic birth where both parties are open and alert to getting to know each other and recognising this little person as yours. That's not to say that if circumstances prevent that you can't bond later.
I agree with redcar that bathing together ( with a helper to get baby out) is really lovely, and spend some time in bed skin to skin, snuggling and feeding. Every time you recognise the uniqueness of your baby you bond a little, it's a process that goes on throughout their lives.
I love my DS2 with all my heart, if anything our bond is stronger because we went through difficult weeks and months together and came out the other side. All is not lost.