Disciplining a 19 month old - I feel like he's won

[shil0846]

My DS can say a few words and understands basic commands...but has never yet obeyed any. I am at my wits end and feel like the most hopeless parent in the world.

There are 100s of examples, but as an illustration: "Come here please" result in him sprinting in the oppose direction and disrupting things; generally laughing his head off. I get judgey looks from the other mums with obedient toddlers as I wrestle to get him under control.

"Don't throw food" has him in fits of laughter as he redoubles his efforts to hurl his dinner and anything else handy onto the floor. He's broken yet another water bottle by hurling it onto the floor today.

He has now started trying to bite me and DH or letting out ear splitting screeches if he doesn't get his own way. I don't give in, and try and distract him, but he never seems to get the message that no means no.

I have tried (until I'm blue in the face) to speak slowly and calmly, make him look me in the eye and say no, we don't do x, y and z. He finds it hilarious. And it makes no difference at all. Today he was bent double laughing at me as I lost my temper and shouted at him.

I have even tried tapping him on the back of his hand and saying "no" firmly, but obviously not hard enough as he finds that amusing too. If I put him in his cot for "time out" he bangs his head against the side of the cot so hard that he's covered in bruises and shrieking by the time I take him out (generally only 1 minute). Then we're both in tears.

I feel like Ive completely lost control. Please, if anyone can give any insights on how to deal with this, I would be so grateful.

I'd stop asking him to do things like come here and just go and take him by the hand and walk him back, take food off him immediately if he is messing about with it and I would continue with the time outs, by bashing his head he is getting what he wants, the time out ending, do you think if it really hurt him that much he would continue doing it?

What do you do when he laughs at you?

It does sound like you need to wrestle back control.

He doesn't understand. You can't discipline a 19 month old child. It's about not reacting too much with undesired behaviour and praising to the high heavens the good behaviour. Distraction works well too. If he chucks food, use a calm no. Of he persists, remove the food and get him down. At the moment, it's all entertainment for him.

He's a baby and you are over complicating things by trying to 'discipline' a baby. You should 'love' a baby and not 'tap' a baby. 19 months ago or even 6 months ago did you look at him as your adversary - I assume not because he was a little newborn baby. Now you're tapping him and expecting him to act way beyond his years. Just enjoy these years and laugh with him, you'll never get them back!!

He's too young. You need to distract not engage in lengthy explanations. Time outs just don't work at this age.

He's not trying to get one over you.

If he throws food - is it at the end of the meal? If so he's finished so food away.

You have to be super cheery to get them to follow you - eg come and look at this etc etc.

My two were like this - quite spirited but now they're pretty good.

He is 19 months. He doesn't comprehend.
Saying a few words and understanding a few basic commands does not equal being able to understand concepts and reasoning.
At this age actions are very important.You lead him, show him, distract.
Please get a book about child development and behaviour.
There are lots around that will give good advice and save you a lot of frustration.

Time out - absolutely dreadful, forget the nonsense advice above about 'control', just love him.

It's not a fight. You don't have to win. He doesn't have to win.

At his age distraction is a better technique than explaining or forbidding.

I'd also suggest reframing negatives as positives - tell him what you expect, not what you don't want. So "food belongs on the plate" rather than "don't throw food".

He may not listen but you'll feel less naggy

How does a 19 month old understand "don't"?

I'd try and stop using 'commands' so rather than saying "don't throw food" I'd say, "food on the floor is messy" then take the plate away. Or instead of, "come here please" I'd say, "we're going over here now" take him by the hand and go. Remember he's only tiny, and go easy on yourself too toddlers are hard!

Seriously he is a just a baby of course he finds throwing food on the floor funny it's part of his natural development. Just calmly say no and pick it up.

Dd is 19 months and behaves pretty similarly. I don't think you can expect them to understand much at this age.

I just remove dd from the situation if it's actually dangerous, or try to distract her.

There is no such thing as an obedient toddler

Are you overestimating his comprehension and trying to verbally reason with him too much? I still don't try verbally explaining things to my 26 month old because it would just sound like, 'blah, blah, blah' interspersed with the odd familiar word to him.

If I want DS to do something, I basically get him in a closed-off space, tell him in basic terms backed up by gestures what I want him to do, then let him have a supervised meltdown, while I calmly repeat what I've said and done, until he does it. E.g. Shut off front hallway and block doors. 'DS upstairs', while pointing at him, then up the stairs. Wait for meltdown. Keep repeating what I've said and done while blocking escape routes. He eventually does it.

If you use time-out, the rule of thumb is one minute for every year of their lives. The only time I would use time-out with DS at 19 months, or even now, is if he's done something really bad or dangerous, like biting, and do it immediately. I wouldn't use it for misdemeanours like not coming when he's called as I just don't think he'd get it. He's bitten me once and DH once. On both occasions, we put him down on the floor immediately, said 'No! You do NOT bite!' firmly and quite loudly which shocked him, then left him for a minute, during which time he screamed blue murder. We then went to him, cuddled him in the floor and said, 'I love you, but you do not bite mummy/daddy.' He hasn't done it since, and I think he was about your DS's age when he did it.

Just to reassure you that DS2 was similar at that age. He's now a relatively well behaved 4yo. I honestly never thought I'd say that!

Other posters are right that you can't really discipline at that age. Keep trying to stay calm and consistent and hang in there.

All that plus some reins.

I have a similarly wilful toddler. I avoid 'don't' and basically herd him like a sheep. I have recently started to put him in his high chair if he is naughty, for a minute and now if I say ' if you do that again you will go in your high hair' he usually stops and shakes his head. I find giving him lots if jobs really helps, he loves to slam dunk his nappy into the bin, loves shutting doors, collecting cups, putting cushions on the chairs etc. I find going outside as much as possible is the best thing. He is very happy tootling round with a ball. I try to feed him outside a lot too, as the mess doesn't matter. It does get better!

Thanks so much for the responses, it's reassuring that this is normal behavior. I'll try to be more positive and enthusiastic in the way I ask DS to do something from now on and see if that helps.

Goldenbear - thanks for your posts. I do know my DS is not my adversary and I do love him to bits. But love alone won't be enough if he bites or hurts another child. I can't laugh along with with that.

Read taming toddlers - I found it a really useful book to understand what is normal and why they are acting how they are. It will reassure you.

Ignore the bad, massively hugely praise the good! My DS was the same but hopefully I think we are coming out the other side.

He is a baby but now is the time that you can start laying some boundaries but it should be age appropriate. Read the book it helped me alot!

You seriously need to manage your expectations of what a 19 months is capable of understanding!!

You are getting yourself in a twist with a human being who has a very very basic understanding of the world we live in and what is expected.

You are his constant his world. Don't let that world be an angry uptight one.

Time Out???? With a baby this age?? Come on!!

You both sound so stressed, poor you!

To me it seems like the most important thing is to stay calm - of course sometimes this is also the hardest thing! As it seems you already know, right now you are unintentionally escalating these situations, getting involved in his 'games' like throwing food, or increasing overall stress by (very understandably) being upset when he is distraught in his cot.

Like others have said, at this age he doesn't really understand consequences that aren't immediate, and doesn't have the empathy to not want to hurt your feelings. I find a calm 'no' (if it's a bigger deal) or uh oh (if it's a little thing) followed immediately by distraction works (personally I don't like distraction alone, as once they have finished the new thing, at some point they'll want to start up again). DS's childminder used to use a hand up signal when she said no or stop and somehow it seems to make things work better. I use it all the time now, and the kids even use it on each other when they cross a line, or when they know I'm about to use it on them!

If he drops or throwing things, why not leave them and give back at the end of the meal, or at least after a couple of minutes? Or if he demands the water back, could you calmly give it to him then remove it from his reach, and try to get him to focus on the food, or if it was food he was throwing, give him only a small spoon at a time, or feed him (not in the spirit or punishment, as he's too young to understand or remember that anyway, but to avoid escalating the game). If he is hungry he will eat, or if he gets grumpy and doesn't eat as much one meal he will make it up later - healthy toddlers won't starve themselves.

Kicking and biting is unfortunately also pretty normal and we choose to use the no, the stop hand and a frown face, then immediately distract and offer an alternative by showing 'soft hands' or kisses. It does make for some pretty rough sibling 'kisses' but much better than clocking each other with toy hammers as they were doing at one point!

We're all muddling through, and one day your spirited toddler will be a determined and independent young man - these traits are just a bit more painful on the way through! In the mean time, we liked the Dr SearsDiscipline book for a gentler approach to helping to instil some boundaries into active but sensitive kids.

FFS discipline?

I've 20 month old... he doesn't do it out of spite. He's learning, and he's soooooooo.. cute. Cuddle him and say no if you have to...... or laugh! Mine gets a "no no no" for climbing on dangerous stuff but that's about it. He has no comprehension of "naughty" yet, none at all. He's got a big cheeky smile and for that he gets forgiven EVERYTHING, 'cos he's a baby still.

My personal feeling is that obedience and commands are for dogs, not children. He isn't going to stay a toddler forever (unlike the dog who will always be a dog :)), he's going to grow up into an adult, and even now he is an individual person with opinions, ideas, thoughts about stuff even though he can't tell you about these things yet. Thinking on compliance is that if children are always taught to be compliant, what happens when they become teenagers and the #1 influence isn't you any more, but other children.

I found the absolute best and most enjoyable way to be when they are toddlers is to go for a co-operation approach as much as possible, remember they're only little and they don't know anything about the world, redirect, allow them to explore and experience natural consequences (e.g. don't fight about putting a coat on indoors, just take it with you, he'll soon want it when you're out and it's cold), try and communicate in ways which make sense to him (e.g. when a little older, don't say "We're leaving in 5 minutes" but "We're leaving after 3 goes on the slide") redirect natural and explorative urges to more appropriate outlets, model behaviour you want (like saying please and thank you etc)

Obviously there are boundaries that aren't always teachable by natural consequences or showing or modelling, for this when they're little you can physically prevent them from doing whatever it is, like the spoon example as said above. Biting is more difficult but do be reassured that it's usually a phase that they grow out of. I didn't have a biter but I would say it probably requires a bit of hovering, annoying though that might be, recognising the "about to bite" triggers or signs and removing him from the situation before the bite happens (even if that's just when you see him lunge towards someone!) You could try redirecting this by giving him something different to bite like a teething ring or a slice of apple or something.

Baby signing and giving them words for their feelings can help reduce frustration. And cuddles! You can never give too many cuddles.

Mine's coming up 20 months and the only things that work (ha!) are very simple instructions and removing him from whatever it is he's doing "wrong"

So, if he's in his highchair and throws something, I remove everything from the tray and say "No throwing". A few seconds later i return one thing (drink, a couple of bits of his food) then gradually give things back alongside lots of praise for being such a big, clever boy eating his dinner nicely. Exaggerated cross face when removing and lots of big, cheery, enthusiastic smiles when returning. If he carries on, I ask if he's finished and move to take the food to the kitchen - he'll say no and get angsty if he's still hungry, happily let me if he's not.

If he's biting/hitting, I sit him on the floor away from me for a few seconds - count down from 5 is good - then ask for a cuddle to calm down/say sorry. I don't think putting him in his cot for time out would work, tbh, because it wouldn't link the behaviour to the consequence and also because by the time i got him up to his cot he'd have forgotten what we were there for!

It doesn't always work. I don't have a perfect child, nor am I the perfect parent pretty bloody awful some days but that way strikes the right balance for me of addressing the behaviour and understanding that he's only little and I need to teach him, not punish him iyswim?

Step, I totally agree. Mine is 17 months and I find it all so adorable!

My 4 yr old? That's a different matter entirely!