Disciplining a 19 month old - I feel like he's won

[shil0846]

My DS can say a few words and understands basic commands...but has never yet obeyed any. I am at my wits end and feel like the most hopeless parent in the world.

There are 100s of examples, but as an illustration: "Come here please" result in him sprinting in the oppose direction and disrupting things; generally laughing his head off. I get judgey looks from the other mums with obedient toddlers as I wrestle to get him under control.

"Don't throw food" has him in fits of laughter as he redoubles his efforts to hurl his dinner and anything else handy onto the floor. He's broken yet another water bottle by hurling it onto the floor today.

He has now started trying to bite me and DH or letting out ear splitting screeches if he doesn't get his own way. I don't give in, and try and distract him, but he never seems to get the message that no means no.

I have tried (until I'm blue in the face) to speak slowly and calmly, make him look me in the eye and say no, we don't do x, y and z. He finds it hilarious. And it makes no difference at all. Today he was bent double laughing at me as I lost my temper and shouted at him.

I have even tried tapping him on the back of his hand and saying "no" firmly, but obviously not hard enough as he finds that amusing too. If I put him in his cot for "time out" he bangs his head against the side of the cot so hard that he's covered in bruises and shrieking by the time I take him out (generally only 1 minute). Then we're both in tears.

I feel like Ive completely lost control. Please, if anyone can give any insights on how to deal with this, I would be so grateful.

He needs attention, as with any other child, but the majority of attention you give is negative. So he repeats the behaviour that gets him attention. Read up about child development.

It will be a bit of work to get things back on track but I suggest you spend bursts of 15 minutes a day, around 6 sessions a day, just playing with him. Focus only on him, follow his lead and react to every expression. You might want to use a toy or a ball, do some drawing, whatever. Just no computers or books so that the eye contact is on him. It will probably feel strange, but eventually he will learn that you are fun to be with. Then when you are firm with him he will understand the difference in tone and want to please you instead of thinking that your anger is part of a game.

Being with toddlers is largely about waiting about for them to do things. Learn how to slow down when he's there, enjoy just watching him. Give everything twice as much time as you think it's going to take.

Try not to say "no" to him, unless he's doing something dangerous to himself or others. As others have said ignore unwanted behaviour and distract him.

So when he throws food, completely ignore it, then say something positive like "oh is your food yummy, it looks delicious".
Repeat until he stops throwing the food. I assure you, because you're giving the food throwing zero attention, he WILL stop.

That's really good advice unrealhousewife. My youngest is 3.3 but I still would never put her in timeout, I don't even put my 7 year old in timeout. It feels like a rejection of the two people I love the most.

I read somewhere that toddlers only hear the end of the sentence, if you say "don't throw food!" they hear "throw food!" try to say "keep the food on your plate please".

My ds is 18 months, I sometimes give him options "ds we are going to get you dressed, do you want to get dressed in the bedroom or in the living room?" I sometimes distract him in advance "ds look a bird!!" whilst strapping him into his pushchair, I have started to say "quick quick quick!" when it's something he doesn't like, every night dp says "ds it's bedtime, can you run and jump in bed QUICK QUICK QUICK!" and ds runs off to bed.

I'm reading Toddler Calm by Sarah Ockwell-Smith at the moment on another mumsnetter's advice, and I highly recommend it. It helps you see the world through their eyes, and understand why you can't treat them as mini adults. It's totally changed how I deal with my 2 year old dd, and life is a lot less stressful now. Give it a go!

Toddler Calm sounds like a great book. It was only when I learned about child development and how the child brain works that I could really be a good parent. It makes it so much easier when you can see the world through their eyes.

I found it a big help to understand why they laugh. It's not defiance, or that they think being told off is funny. It's often that they're seeing that you're upset/sad, they want to make you be happy, and laughing usually works to make you happy.

As others have said, distract distract distract. You can bet even if the other toddlers seem cooperative now they've all had (or will have in the future!) their moments.

Ha. My 16 year old still puts on a wry smile when I get angry. I used to think she was trying to minimise my wrath. Now I will think differently and melt.

It's quite instinctive isn't it, smiling to try to placate someone. Don't know about 16 but we still get the 5 yr old equivalent here.

Oh yes YYY to the smiling/laughing thing. They're not laughing maliciously in your face. I remember reading a blog by a woman who said that her daughter was screaming and screaming in her cot and when she went in her face lit up all smiles. She turned around and left her again thinking she was trying it on :( Really upset me, I suppose she thought that the crying was put on or some kind of tantrum but I think it was more that the baby wanted her mum, and when her mum came it made everything instantly better hence the smile.

We learn so much from our children. :) Thanks to all the public discussion and books about child development I think the next generation will grow up to be far less messed up than we were.

A lot of people know this stuff instinctively but I think as parents have got older they are less in touch with that side of themselves so it does make it harder - we probably do need more books and advice than we would have a generation ago.