Anyone else just think they don't have the mental strength to do it again?

[teacher54321]

DS is nearly 2 1/2 and a typical toddler-charming and tricky in equal measure and a joy to behold. He generally eats and sleeps ok, has the odd tantrum but is affable and good natured. I love him to bits but find the intensity of motherhood overwhelming.

I did have a traumatic labour and was very ill after he was born, I was also diagnosed with PND and anxiety and have been on ADs for a year.

Immediately after he was born I felt very strongly that I didn't want any more children, and this hasn't lessened with time and recovery. I can't pinpoint why, other than a generalised feeling of panic and horror. I struggled so much with anxiety about whether I was doing things 'right' when he was a baby that I cannot imagine wanting to do it again. But then I feel selfish that I am denying DH another child (he is a brilliant dad) and depriving DS of a sibling relationship.

Has anyone else got through these feelings? Or is it 'ok' to only want one?!

Of course it's ok to only want one.
Your family has to be right for you.
Does your Dh desperately want another child?
If not then one is all you need. It gets more complicated if he does.
There are of course pros and cons for your son being an only. Many of the cons can be much lessened by things that you do for him. Ensuring he has friends round, joins groups to socialise etc.
Not all siblings get on. Some hate each other.
Don't make that the only reason for having another child.
You may find that as he grows and his need of you lessens your feelings change. but they may not and that's ok too!

DH is happy to do whatever I want-he's said that he would be content to stick with just DS but he doesn't feel as strongly about it as I do.

DS is a sociable boy, he goes to a lovely childminders and has his little friends that he plays with etc. He has a lovely relationship with his grandparents/aunties/uncles/cousins etc so has a wide family to support him. DH and I also have lots of friends and do lots of things with him.

I suppose I feel isolated in that I feel that I can't talk to anyone IRL about this. People react as though you've trodden on a kitten! It's such a taboo to say 'actually, one's plenty enough for me!'

It's fine to want one. Apparently 50% of families with children have an only child (that won't match your experience as more than 50% of children come from families with more than one child, it makes sense but seems odd). There will be all sorts of reasons why people have one child families.

I had the type of experience you had and it wasn't until DD was 3 that I could really think about having more. We are having another, but I have no idea whether it will be the right thing to do and am a little sad that I am depriving DD of the opportunity to be the only one.

My DH is a good dad, but would have been happy to stick with DD. DD wants a sibling, but I doubt that the reality will be what she wanted.

I think that the reason that swung it for me to have another is that I don't want to have only done the toddler bit once (and I think that feeling would continue as DD grows). If I could acquire my own child, bonded to me, aged about 6 months, I would more than happily skip pregnancy and the first 6 months.

But I also know that I won't go through the traumatic labour and subsequent illness again as I'll be having an ELCS. So that takes most of the PTSD type triggers out of the equation.

I feel the same. My DS is also 2 1/2. The birth was fine but I still suffered PND -and still do in waves. My DH wanted another but I've told him how terrified I am that it will break me. He has been very understanding and has agreed it is better for us and my DS to have a happy mummy than to have a sibling plus a wreck of a mummy. I have felt great sadness for us and, particularly, DS having made this decision but have got used to the idea and am now relieved that the decision has been made and it's not hanging over me day in day out.

Oh dear Lord yes I felt like that!

I had pnd which persisted until I eventually went to the gp when he was 2.
He did not sleep a full night through until he was 5 and at school.
He was a highly demanding in every way possible and I could not cope with his behaviour at all. I couldn't wait to be away from him, even for half an hour.
I didn't have the physical or mental capacity to cope with him, Let alone another child.

But then the ads kicked in. I had sunshine again and my little boy became my precious little Angel and I felt how normal happy mum's must feel.

It felt good. Proper. Nice.
We did have another child, ds was 10 by the time we did. Only then did I feel ready.

I know people who have one and say it's enough, it doesn't seem taboo at all.

I do hate the phrase "only child" and when people ask "do you only have the one?" I have been known to say "there is nothing 'only' about my DD". My only child is amazing, I wouldn't swap her for any one else's two or three children.

I do slightly worry that we have used up all our luck in having such a great DD, but I assume that everyone adores their children like we do (when she isn't being a little terror).

Thank you for your replies, it's making me feel a bit better. I agree that the toddler stage is awesome-DS gets more funny and talkative and communicative and affectionate every day-and I don't yearn for the baby days at all!

I also hated baby groups and being at home all the time-I got bored and lonely and anxious. Baby groups used to leave me feeling more lonely than going out on my own! I love the fact now that I can take DS out for lunch and we can chat about things

I feel exactly the same and get sick of people saying when are you having another. DS is 3.9 and my strong feelings that everyone said would weaken haven't. I said within weeks that I only want one. I couldn't physically or mentally do it again. He's my best little mate and I don't want to change our relationship either. I'm not sure why I feel so strongly about it, I get very protective over the fact, I thought it was me just being odd! I am a constant worrier too which makes things worse, milestones, everything. DH is very supportive of the decision too so I'm lucky. I don't think only children are as rare anymore so has become fairly normal

I recognise what Salsa says about making a decision. I felt like it would hang over us until I made a decision, and in some ways, a 'no' decision was not quite a final decision. The way I worked was to think, 'I know I'm not ready now, I'll think again in a year's time'. That meant I could get on with that year, knowing the decision was made for a year and I didn't spend the time thinking about it.

I'm so glad I posted this-I was feeling so alone in feeling this way about things.

Maternity leave bored me. I had to do something to get out each day otherwise I would have gone mad, but I struggled at first because I was ill. I think that I will be somewhat reliant on DD to amuse me when this baby arrives. I think I have blocked out a lot of memories of DD as a baby, not because it was terrible, but because of the monotony. I really can't remember her before she could talk, as her personality now is so chatty.

Don't get me started on the torture of toddler groups....horrendous.

I've not gone to any with the baby this time.
I'm doing what I want to do without guilt and not what I think I should do to prevent irreversible emotional damage!!!

What a load of shite. Toddler groups are not fucking vital at all.

I feel very strong now, I am no longer a first time mum, naive and Ill individual.
10 years on I know my mind and I can truly say that I am enjoying my baby.

It's OK to want one.

I didn't have the best birth experience. But it wasn't anything extrodinary. Newborn was tough. Especially the going without sleep bit... basically it was all pretty full on til he was about four, what with learning to walk, weaning, potty training... always something.

I love him to bits. But I didn't love the overwelmingness of tiny babies and toddlers.

So I stuck at one until I felt differently. He is now nearly 14. My eggs are past their sell by date. Still don't feel differently. As much as I love snuffling other people's babies I have no desire to borrow one, even for a day (and certainly not for a night). No regrets.

It really is OK to want just one. For now, or forever. Which ever way it turns out.

If you fancy a read google wiki only children. It's something of a myth buster for the old chestnuts.

Loads of my friends have gone for 'two in two years' and it makes me feel all panicky!

It's absolutely fine and fantastic to realise and recognise that you want to stop with just the one.

I say that as a mum of 4.

You may change your mind, you may not, shrugs shoulders. It's great when parents are happy with what they have whether it be 1 or 15

Me! I don't think I've got the physical strength either. It's been very very tough for me, and I don't want to do it again. I love my DD to bits but the sleep deprivation alone has been like a torture.

It is far better to stop and wonder if you might have managed another than to plan another you aren't sure about and find your doubts were well founded....

Your family needs to be right for you. Don't have another because you think you 'should'. I don't mean to sound harsh, but nothing you have said makes it sound like you actually want a second. Which is absolutely, totally and utterly fine!

Actually I find it hard to understand why people have more than one child .

I have found being a parent the most difficult & challenging thing I have ever done in my life - and am aware that it will be something 'I do' for the rest of my life. Maybe I am odd but I find it totally mentally draining and exhausting - my DS is now a teenager. In many ways I have had a relatively easy time - a SAHM (by choice), no financial worries, a very supportive DH, loads of interesting and worthwhile hobbies and voluntary work to do - but I still find it very, very tough.

I felt like you did (had traumatic birth as well) and waited 10 years to have another :)

(Always swore I'd never go through it again and then got strangely broody at about 31... ).

And now I know I'm done. Never ever going through this again. Ever.

(Maybe in another 10 years.... ).

Lots of our friends have done 2 in 2 years. Many have struggled. Some have 3 in the gap there will be between our 2. I think it was accidental and they have found it really hard.

I don't know how open you have been about finding things difficult, but I think most people don't really let others know that they are struggling. That means that we look around and see everyone coping and think we are the odd ones out. Many of those serenely floating on the surface are madly paddling under the water.

I try to be as open as possible about how hard I found things. Not because I want to scare people, but because I want people to know that, if they find things tough, they aren't alone.

I am looking at gorgeous DS eating a biscuit all snuggled up to me now and thinking-I could just stick with this my friends who have 2 or 3 have happy chaotic lives but I genuinely don't know if I could manage it...

I definitely feel like this. Sometimes I think how nice it would be to have another baby, but this is just a romantic ideal.

When I was faced with the real prospect earlier in the year, all I could think about was how much hard work DD was (and still is, at 16 months) but that she's now getting just a little bit easier. I'm getting my life back and the thought of giving it all up again is more than I am capable of.

I think I will settle for one. She's fabulous anyway, how can I improve upon perfection?!

It's fine to have one and it's fine to put off the decision. My ds is 10mo and I enjoyed his early weeks/months (I mean apart from the sleep deprivation etc) but I don't want another at least till ds is walking, talking and out of nappies.
When he reaches that stage we will have a serious think, but I will be 40 then so ds is probably more likely to be an only than not.

And for us it's not about "managing it" but about wanting it. We think we could survive two but we are really enjoying one right now so why change that to meet other peoples expectations.