Anyone else just think they don't have the mental strength to do it again?

[teacher54321]

DS is nearly 2 1/2 and a typical toddler-charming and tricky in equal measure and a joy to behold. He generally eats and sleeps ok, has the odd tantrum but is affable and good natured. I love him to bits but find the intensity of motherhood overwhelming.

I did have a traumatic labour and was very ill after he was born, I was also diagnosed with PND and anxiety and have been on ADs for a year.

Immediately after he was born I felt very strongly that I didn't want any more children, and this hasn't lessened with time and recovery. I can't pinpoint why, other than a generalised feeling of panic and horror. I struggled so much with anxiety about whether I was doing things 'right' when he was a baby that I cannot imagine wanting to do it again. But then I feel selfish that I am denying DH another child (he is a brilliant dad) and depriving DS of a sibling relationship.

Has anyone else got through these feelings? Or is it 'ok' to only want one?!

Of course it's okay! :)

I have a friend who is having her second but it's really only because she wants her DD to have a sibling. She is really anxious about having #2. When I tell her I want 5 she stares at me like she's going to have to call someone to lock me away :o

Everyone's different and it's perfectly fine to want different things.

Hi, I have SO had those feelings too!! I know exactly how you feel. My DS is 8 months and it was a traumatic birth and a long recovery and I lost count of the number of times I said I will NEVER do it again!! The midwives actually believed me! Only my DH is an amazing father and I also feel that I will deny him the chance of being a dad to a second child if I don't try for a 2nd. I'm 42 and I would have to do it really soon, but it was so traumatic and like you, I struggled a lot and was (and still am) anxious all the time that I was doing it all wrong. I totally felt out of my depth. I wish you luck going forward whatever you decide to do. (keep in touch) You're certainly not the only one out there feeling like this.

Do what's right for you. Studies show happiness decreases in proportion to each successive child you have. We're culturally programmed to think 2 or more is right, but it isn't necessarily the case.

I'll chime in too and say the same as others. Severe PND, hated the newborn and baby stage (possibly much of that down to illness) and felt physically sick at the thought if doing it again.
DS is 3, a joy to be with and makes us laugh so much every day. I still have no desire to do it again. I see my friends with 2 under 2 or 3 and they're not particularly happy.
We've really found our groove with DS and are loving life after some extremely difficult times that tested our marriage to its limits.
I like snuggling newborns and I like handing them back.

I never wanted children until I turned 30 then was desperated for them. I fell pregnant with twins and ended up with two newborns! I didn't like the baby phase at all and won't go through it again. It really put me off and I also don't understand why people go on to have more!

I love my girls dearly, they are wonderful but I am done. There is nothing wrong with how you feel, you can give your ds all your love and attention.

I worry about not being able to divide my time between my children if I have more. Like supporting them financially if they choose to go to university etc, it is something we just won't be able to do if we have more children. Life is good with our twins and I don't want to complicate things.

I have infertility problems and having DD was a miracle tbh, but that aside, DP and I would not go through it again. I look back with rose-tinted glasses I think as I enjoyed newborn stage up to 16 months, then didn't enjoy the toddler bit. DD is 3 soon, and she's fantastic but definitely no more.

I'm going to say it on as it's anonymous, but we are both too selfish to have another. We like our holidays, odd nights out, our careers, hobbies and money left over each month. A second child would knock all that out of sync.

I also relate to a previous poster saying that the dynamics would change in the family and with DD. My mind can't comprehend loving another child as much as DD.

I also see so many friends and family absolutely frazzled with 2+ children. They are knackered and constantly compromising with their children.

My normal response to strange "only" comments is that we made some perfect first time around, you can't improve on perfection

It's really interesting reading everyone else's points of view and it's lovely to know I'm not alone. I also think I'm a bit selfish-and also struggle so much with being needed all the time-it makes me feel a bit claustrophobic! I can't imagine trying to split my time between 2!

I've often thought about it being selfish too, but then again if you don't look out for your own mental health and your own needs, who will?
I would love to be one of those mothers who can have 3, 4, 5 kids and love it all and be zen-like in the madness but I'm not. So I work with what I have! Maybe they'd like to be me some days.

Very pleased the teacher54321 and violator agree with me that it isn't selfish, but feels that way sometimes

I have always looked after myself. And when I met DP, that was a compromise to being to consider someone else. I got used to that and we decided to have one child. It was always the plan to be honest (infertility aside). Now DD is here, like teacher54321 said, I can't imagine attempting to split my time between 3 children 2 children and DP. I would either become a very shit parent (patience, time, resources, money etc) or I'd up and leave (which sounds dramatic but I have felt like that when DD has tested me to the limit, and I think they'd both be better off without me).

I always wanted one (apart from as a teenager when I didn't want any) and that's what I've got, a 16m DS.

I do think now that if I'd had a child soon after Uni I would still have had DS IYSWIM, so about a ten year gap, but that's the only possible way I would have had more than one.

I'm a bit mentally fragile, was on ADs anyway and still am, don't know if I would have had PND if I wasn't taking them - I suspect so!

We can have a nice life with one child, I think with more we'd just be existing.