A mother at my child's school leaves her four year old child home alone, I had to tell someone!

[Mrso1987]

There is a mother whose children attend the same school as mine. Recently within the past few weeks I've noticed that she has been doing the school run minus her youngest child who is four years old, when ever I have asked her about the child's absence, she has told me that the child is at home sleeping, even sleeping downstairs on the couch and she's left her! Her husband was out of the country and she has no family here or close friends, she usually asks a couple of mums at the school to help her with school runs but they were at the school at the time. She seems to not cope well and is always trying to pass her responsibility to others I.e asking some people she barely speaks to let alone knows to look after her children, offering them money even sometimes which never materialises anyway. And she sees nothing wrong with leaving her child at home. Now I think of it, there have been times I've seen her walking around town without any of her children, her husband works full time and does go abroad sometimes so I worry that she could be leaving them more often than I originally thought, which is a scary thought. The thing that really did it for me was the most recent incident where I noticed yet again no younger child, asked and she casually passed it off saying that she was on the sofa at home and she seemed in no urgency at all to get back to her, she was in fact one of the last mothers to leave the school grounds. So for the last few days it just played on my conscience, it just isn't right and if something happens I would know that I could have prevented it. So, I didn't ring social services, I can't bring myself to do that but I did speak to someone at the child's nursery. I just had to, I was nearly in tears doing it. They reassured me that I was doing the right thing and the next day they informed me that they had been in contact with social care and would be looking to have a sit down with mum and dad and may arrange parenting advice/classes. I feel like I've done the right thing for the child but yet again my conscience is on over drive as I didn't know but she's been induced to have her new baby and so now I feel so so so horrible because she's just had a baby and now she's going to be confronted with neglecting her four year old. As a parent myself I just can't fathom leaving your child at home alone, what if something happened? Surely she needs to learn that it's not ok? I don't want her to get into trouble, I just want her to have a warning that it's not ok and that extra support is out there if she needs it. Has anyone else on here been in this situAtion? Does anyone have any advice? Anything? I'm just feeling so conflicted right now

If she gets the help and advice she needs to parent better then you did the right thing, OP. I have no idea about how heavy-handed UK social services are about such things but hopefully they'll offer her support rather than accusing her of neglect.

I did read an awful story about a woman here in the US who was a single parent to a 2 year old. She was originally from the Middle East and had had her parents helping out for the first year but after that she moved back to the US and was alone working full-time. She struggled a lot with childcare and made the mistake of leaving her 2 year old home alone one morning to go to work. She left him in his cot with snacks and a computer game and neighbors heard him crying and called the police. CPS were called and in the end after assessment the child was taken away from her. Really sad story as it was really a mix of her just parenting under pressure combined with different cultural norms but she lost her son as a result.

Sorry to clarify: I agree with the neighbors having called the police by the way but just think it's sad that her child was taken away rather than her just being given support to improve her parenting.

atticus - I think actually that many people on mn would be happy to leave a 9 yo for an hour. You may not be happy to, that is your choice, but it isn't unusual in rl either.

There is no competition. Reporting a 9yo is very OTT.

Very different when talking about a 4 yo

I have three children all under ten and would never willingly leave them at home alone, not even when they each reach the age of ten, I still won't. They are my children and my responsibility and the day I became a mother it became my main priority to keep my children safe and well (that's my view anyway) but I do feel for some mothers who may be single and have to work and you hear horror stories of them feeling like they have no choice but to leave them home alone while they work, in this case the mother just seems to not want to have to deal with getting her child out in the morning for the school run. Just pure laziness

scotlandmum - it isn't illegal to leave a child in England. There is no age under law, each case is taken on it merits, there is some phrase in the law as to whether or not the child is considered to be safe and cared for or something.
It is illegal in scotland (or was, law may have changed) but it was illegal until 16.

Like everything, you can't make a blanket ruling. for example I leave ds (11) and dd (9) if I am round the corner at school for a 1 hour PTA meeting. I wouldn't leave them when I was going to be away in the car for an hour. I know that there are neighbours who are in and could be called on, other families may not know their neighbours etc etc.
Every situation is different and every child is different, it is not realistic to generalise at this age.

but how do you keep them safe and well?
staying next to them throughout their childhood?
but what happens when you are not there?
at 11 they go to high school alone
bit of a jump from not being alone ever

What sanfairy said.

At my son's high school, most of the kids walk there and back alone

Even if they don't, they really do have to fend for themselves, far, far more than primary school.

Its a big jump.

I have deliberately worked up to some independence with mine, letting them stay alone in the house for short period, etc. And that's served them incredibly well. They can cope with most things likely to be thrown at them in the normal run of things.

OP, at what point would you allow your children some responsibility? When they reach university age? Would you accompany them then?
For what it's worth, where I grow up it is perfectly normal for children to make their own way to nursery and back from the age of 4 and then also to school,often on public buses. It's the norm and all children do it so it's safety in numbers. In the UK the school would call Social services if my 7 year old showed up on her own....

what is wrong with a NINE year old being near an open window? I'm bemused.

'Grew up' (stupid iPad)

Did you tell her yourself that what she was doing was out of order.
A friendly word before going to the authorities would have been good.

I'm with sigyn. Start moving towards independence in small steps. My then 6 year old was immensely proud the first time I left her on her own for 5 minutes to get bread from the corner shop while her sister was asleep and poorly on the sofa. It seemed insane to wake a feverish child and drag them both along. Dh was mortified at my continental ways but he's getting used to it.

You did the right thing

OP
as a parent, my job is not only to keep my child safe and well, but also to prepare them to go out into the world. In sept, my 11 yo will have to go on the train to school and then walk from the station to school. Many others do it. Pretty much every child at his primary will have to walk to school, or walk to the pick up point and get on the school bus.

How do I prepare him? well, by teaching him step by step how to look after himself, how to make choices and how to trust his own decisions.

As a result of teaching him,he is trust worthy and sensible.

I am not a lone parent. I could insist he come to the PTA meeting and sits in the hall for example. But I think it is good for him to have 1 hour of independence.

MY 9 yo dd is just beginning that process, so that by the time she reaches the end of year 6, she will also be sensible enough to make her way to school etc.

my 6 yo is too young, and I would never leave her. Nor is she allowed to go to the corner shop by herself yet.

babying kids does not do them any favours

Having saiid that I would not leave my four year old home alone because she's mad

Oh and from age 7 they are allowed by the school to walk to and from school by themselves, so i think the school recognises that too.

Well done for doing something but I'm a bit surprised the nursery called you back to share so much information with you, surely that's confidential .

jewel - I suspect that my 6 yo will be older before I leave her as she is such a madam, and a monkey too

Steppemum It really depends on the child. Not sure dd2 could be left alone until she's a teen the way she is going

Or even then... Reminds me of my parents refusing to leave my sister on her own for more than half an hour because she was boy mad at 13 and they didn't trust her

the next day they informed me that they had been in contact with social care and would be looking to have a sit down with mum and dad and may arrange parenting advice/classes.

WTF? They had no place getting back to you, let alone tell you what they were planning on doing! That is outrageous. They should have thanked you for the information and nothing more.

When they are little they are far too young to leave alone as they may come to harm, then when they are older and can be left they run up your phone bill and eat all your food!!
It's a lose lose situation