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A mother at my child's school leaves her four year old child home alone, I had to tell someone!

47 replies

Mrso1987 · 08/07/2014 21:43

There is a mother whose children attend the same school as mine. Recently within the past few weeks I've noticed that she has been doing the school run minus her youngest child who is four years old, when ever I have asked her about the child's absence, she has told me that the child is at home sleeping, even sleeping downstairs on the couch and she's left her! Her husband was out of the country and she has no family here or close friends, she usually asks a couple of mums at the school to help her with school runs but they were at the school at the time. She seems to not cope well and is always trying to pass her responsibility to others I.e asking some people she barely speaks to let alone knows to look after her children, offering them money even sometimes which never materialises anyway. And she sees nothing wrong with leaving her child at home. Now I think of it, there have been times I've seen her walking around town without any of her children, her husband works full time and does go abroad sometimes so I worry that she could be leaving them more often than I originally thought, which is a scary thought. The thing that really did it for me was the most recent incident where I noticed yet again no younger child, asked and she casually passed it off saying that she was on the sofa at home and she seemed in no urgency at all to get back to her, she was in fact one of the last mothers to leave the school grounds. So for the last few days it just played on my conscience, it just isn't right and if something happens I would know that I could have prevented it. So, I didn't ring social services, I can't bring myself to do that but I did speak to someone at the child's nursery. I just had to, I was nearly in tears doing it. They reassured me that I was doing the right thing and the next day they informed me that they had been in contact with social care and would be looking to have a sit down with mum and dad and may arrange parenting advice/classes. I feel like I've done the right thing for the child but yet again my conscience is on over drive as I didn't know but she's been induced to have her new baby and so now I feel so so so horrible because she's just had a baby and now she's going to be confronted with neglecting her four year old. As a parent myself I just can't fathom leaving your child at home alone, what if something happened? Surely she needs to learn that it's not ok? I don't want her to get into trouble, I just want her to have a warning that it's not ok and that extra support is out there if she needs it. Has anyone else on here been in this situAtion? Does anyone have any advice? Anything? I'm just feeling so conflicted right now

OP posts:
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Longtalljosie · 08/07/2014 21:47

You did the right thing. Really you did. The child's right to be safe is more important than anything else...

Realitybitesyourbum · 08/07/2014 21:48

You did the right thing! Why are you so upset about it? Any normal responsible person would or should do exactly what you did. I would have for sure. Well done.

LemonBreeland · 08/07/2014 21:49

You definitely did the right thing. If she is not coping she needs some help. The situation is not going to get any easier for her with a new baby.

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2ofstedsin24weeksistakingthep · 08/07/2014 21:53

You have definitely done the right thing. I can sympathise with how you are feeling having had to do the same thing after a child made a disclosure to me at a party. I knew I had to do it but at the same time didn't want to be seen as being a busybody.

JewelFairies · 08/07/2014 21:59

Without meaning to condone what may be a problematic situation, can I just ask you OP whether this mother grew up abroad? If so it is quite possible that she has no idea that her behaviour is thought abnormal in the UK (if indeed you are in the UK).

steppemum · 08/07/2014 22:04

I was about to say similar to Jewel. I lived in central asia for a while and many children at this age would be left home alone, even while mum/dad went out to work.
It may be a cultural mis match.

I am not saying it is right, it always scared me as it was so unsafe on lots of fronts, but she may have no idea of what is considered acceptable here.

redandyellowbits · 08/07/2014 22:08

steppem wow - they would leave their 4 year olds at home all day? Didn't the children come to any harm?

I am not distrusting you, just quite astounded by that.

3bunnies · 08/07/2014 22:10

And indeed in this country it was considered fairly normal 40yrs ago but we are now all aware of the dangers of leaving a young child home alone. OP would you feel worse if you found out that the child was injured or worse when left alone? You only feel conflicted because the child might have never been injured, everyone would be saying why didn't anyone say something if the child was injured. You did the right thing and might have prevented harm to the child. Hopefully the mother will get some help now.

Mrso1987 · 08/07/2014 22:14

Yes she is foreign and that's one thing that was discussed is the difference in culture but they want to make her aware that it is not acceptable. Even if she lies about it and denies it and they leave her with a warning because they have no solid proof (unless the child speaks) , I'm hoping that, that warning will be enough to just make her think and take any help that is offered to her. Her children are so young and they're precious but she just seems to have no sense in danger or urgency. I've seen them run by roads, run into car parks, it makes me panicked and their not even my kids. I've been told that they hit their children over irrelevant things but I didn't report that because I see that as hear say and different people discipline their children differently, it also could be taken out of context, hit might actually mean smack and even though I don't smack my children, some people still do. So I didn't report that, but I've seen and heard from her own mouth that she leaves her child so I just felt so compelled to act. I not even overly religious myself but it's made me feel so bad I feel like I need to ask for forgiveness but I hope it all works out ok

OP posts:
Kendodd · 08/07/2014 22:16

I knew somebody from Tunisia, she said they would leave their babies in their cots all day and go out, a relative would go around all the houses checking on the babies during the day.

Also I remember when I was a child and used to go to Butlins they would have the Yellow Coats walking up and down listening for babies crying and if they found one the 'baby crying in chalet number xxx' sign would come on.

Fannydabbydozey · 08/07/2014 22:24

I once worked with a woman who left her five year old son all night by himself - we worked 12 hour shifts. She'd leave him at nine pm and then her friend would come and pick the boy up on the way to school with her own kid. She was polish and she told us as if it was completely normal - no idea that what she was doing was plain wrong. I count put it out of my mind and I reported her. Myself and my work colleague discussed it for ages but my heart went so cold when this woman told me what she did. My son was only five at the time and the thought of him alone all by himself all night, getting and and getting ready for school without me... Uuurrrggghhh.

Opinionatedbugger · 08/07/2014 22:30

Op I really hope there has been some misunderstanding but if she is foreign it's quite possible. We had to phone police at one point as a couple left their 9 yo in house alone ( granted it was for an hour ) and the upstairs window had been left open which the boy was sitting at.

steppemum · 08/07/2014 22:33

redandyellow - yes they would leave them all day, fanny's story sounds familiar.

Traditionally they would be with a family member as people all live several generations in one house, but that had broken down in the city, so they locked the door and left the children at home.

The one child I knew well, they had a lethal electric plug in stove thing, down at floor level in a small one room flat. I worried about that kid so much, that he would plug in and burn himself on that stove.

In actual fact I never heard a story about kids coming to harm, just think it must be a very long lonely day.

eightyearsonhere · 08/07/2014 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

steppemum · 08/07/2014 22:41

opinionated bugger - call the police on us then and thousands of others across the UK.

I would happily leave my 9 year old for an hour, and you know what? She knows how a window works, and she isn't about to fall out of it Confused

Opinionatedbugger · 08/07/2014 22:42

I didn't but my neighbour did as we all watched in horror while he lingered near the open window, I personally wouldn't report it unless under the age of 6 but still worried for poor lad.

sanfairyanne · 08/07/2014 22:43

how ridiculous to report a 9 year old near an open window

Opinionatedbugger · 08/07/2014 22:44

Sorry should have made that clearer.

grandmainmypocket · 08/07/2014 22:44

OP don't feel bad. You didn't do it maliciously. I think reporting parents leaving a 9 year old is a bit OTT, but I suppose a cultural difference can skew opinions.

Kendodd · 08/07/2014 22:47

we all watched in horror while he lingered near the open window

What does that mean? A 9 year old sat near an open window?

Opinionatedbugger · 08/07/2014 22:48

No, leaning out of it ken, it was horrendous.

atticusclaw · 08/07/2014 22:48

Opinionated I wouldn't leave my nine year old either but I've been on these threads before (there was a long one recently about a six year old and most on that thread said it was fine!). They never end well. It becomes a competition as to who has left their child alone at the youngest age.

atticusclaw · 08/07/2014 22:50

OP you did the right thing, don't worry

Scotlandmam · 08/07/2014 22:53

Atticus Smile isn't that how all mumsnet threads are? This is totally fine ( but illegal ) but how dare you tell a child off for misbehaving. Lol, only on mumsnet.

RJnomore · 08/07/2014 22:54

I wouldn't dream of leaving my 9 year old alone either atticus and I can imagine how awful it must have been to watch him leaning out of the window.

Had they locked the poor boy in the house? What if there had been a fire!

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