How do you deal with a 2 year old being naughty

[sharond101]

I was always smacked as a child and don't want this for DS. He was 2 in May and in the last couple of weeks has been getting into mischief and not doing what he is told. For instance he will be playing outside then begin throwing stones and mud all over the garden and the dog. I tell him he is naughty and he has one more chance (used to work) and he continues to do it. I then remove him from the situation and he screams and kicks and gets annoyed. He then moves on to find the next area he can destroy. He gets lots of time spent with him but you cannot give 100% attention all of the time. I need to cook, clean etc. Even getting dressed in the morning can be stressful as he wants to use all of my make up at the same time as emptying drawers out or kicking the walls. He has become very independent too and wants to do everything for himself. He wants to push the buggy, empty the potty and cook breakfast. He goes loopy when I disallow it. My Mum told me he had been like this today with her and that she said to him she would "Smack his hand." I told her I did not want this but what do you do to teach them right from wrong or stop them being naughty. We tried the naughty step but he came straight to us giggling and didn't understand.

Well I wouldn't call him naughty.

I would remove stuff that you don't want him playing with. So put your make up out of reach.

If he wants to throw stones and mud in the garden - who cares unless he's hurting someone? If it is then give him something else to do instead. My dd is 2, she likes watering and digging for stones with her little bucket and spade.

Let him help out - this is how he learns. My two year old loves to help me cook - I stand her next to me and give her mushrooms to chop, I let her walk and push the buggy.

2 year olds are so curious and impulsive - you need to let them explore and distract if they're messing around. But accept that curiosity and wanting independence is a normal stage of development.

Have you got any robust jewellery he could play with while you get dressed? I let my DDs play with bangles or compact mirror to get a few minutes for that task. And a blusher brush I keep just for them.

The garden is a tough one, we have tiny stones too and the throwing them everywhere drives me bananas. Could you fill a small watering can for him to water the bushes with? Or a truck/bucket to put the stones in (and help him tip them back). Baking tray for mud pies? At least you can scrape it off later.

Thanks we do all of those already. He has a make up brush and a watering can. He just prefers the things that mean mess and disaster!

Iggly he does need to learn and explore but some things are unacceptable like small stones all over the grass which requires me to pick them all up individually. Or throwing heavy objects at me and the dog. He cannot steer his pushchair so although he gets to push it for a bit it's one step forward two steps back. I suppose what I am asking is what is the consequences for your DC when they do not do as you ask them or am i expecting too much at his age?

I tell DS he's acting naughty and I don't like it if he keeps going he will be in 'big bad trouble' which means mummy doesn't play with him and he needs to go sit in the naughty corner. I don't go for the remove and distract tbh I'm more old school if he's being naughty on purpose he gets told off.

They're not "naughty" at two they aren't doing things on purpose. Every single thing they do is exploratory and they need to be taught whether it's ok or not because they don't know, they're just trying everything out.

Exactly NickiFury so how do you teach them it's not ok?

I feel your frustration! We are trying consequences at the moment with our two and a half year old. If she is doing something I'm not happy with I ask her to stop two or three times. If she carries on I tell her that I am going to count to five and if she hasnt stopped she won't get to watch Bing Bunny before nap time or have her stories or go to the swings etc. It probably works about 50% of the time.

I always just said "no" as unfashionable as that might be and a short explanation why not.

"No babe don't throw the stones because look mummy has to pick them up and I am tired, poor old Mum"

"No, don't touch that, because look you might hurt yourself and then what would we do? We would be sad wouldn't we?"

I think there's a place for "no" tbh because if they're doing something risky then an urgent "no!" worked well.

Ds2 was also 2 in May and v much pushing the boundaries at the moment. I do very simple consequences and one warning. Eg if you do that again ds2 it will be taken away/you will not be able to play with it. If he's trying to hit ds1 then he gets immediately told no we do not hit/kick etc and removed from the situation. He then has to give ds1 a cuddle to say sorry. If he throws his food he gets a warning and if it continues it gets taken away. Once he's finished screaming I tell him he can have it back if he's calmed down but if he throws it again it goes away he then usually complies. I also use counting to 3 when I want him to do something. Sometimes I give him simple choices - eg if you walk you hold my hand, if you don't hold me hand you go in the buggy and then if he continues to mess around I repeat simply 'hand or buggy' if he persists I say ok it will be buggy then at which point he usually says walk and holds my hand.

It is tough and you have to be consistent and always follow through on any consequences and keep it simple but at this age they can understand simple rules. I've noticed that ds2 seems to understand much better than ds1 at the same age but also I've learnt how to be more consistent and that actually ds2 does understand whereas I excused it in ds1 for longer thinking he didn't understand. Also I have to show ds1 that ds2 also has to follow the rules and that if eg ds2 hurts ds1 then both of them need to see that there are consequences to that.

But not constantly obviously.

They aren't doing things on purpose?!? My 2.4yo obviously hasn't read that book. "Look, mummy, me be naughty now. Me going to make you cross and sad. Then me say sorry and make you happy again. Watch, mummy!". That was this morning, just before he emptied a bucket of sand on the hall floor... (I gave him a dustpan and brush and made him sweep it up himself).

Remove and distract. Easier said and done, but it's the best way - so in the garden, take away the stones but give him a watering can, or else change the activity by giving him a bucket and asking him to fill the bucket with stones. And be consistent in carrying out threats... Also today, DS was messing around in a toddler music class and then started wailing when I stopped him. So I told him that I was going to count to three and if he was still crying at 3, we'd go home. I got to 2 before he said ”me stopped now, mummy, me good boy". He got a quick cuddle and a kiss, we carried on and he was perfectly happy (and well-behaved). I wasn't so consistent with DC1, and I've learnt the hard way.

They call them "the terrible twos" for a reason you know

They are exploring all the time and really don't understand why you won't let them throw a stone, but will let them throw a ball. Yes they have to learn but smacking or putting them in the "naughty corner" aren't appropriate. They really don't understand.

It is hard but you have to think about every thing, before they get into mischief. So when you're getting dressed, you need to find something to occupy him- a special box/draw which are his "special things" to play with while you get dressed. If he won't stop throwing stones I wouldn't let him out there on his own.
When he wants to do things, you just have to be firm but fair. So if he wants to empty the potty- let him help you and tell him it's his job to flush the loo, then lots of praise because he's helped you.

Cross-post with Littleoaktree - exactly that, excusing DC1's behaviour for too long, underestimating toddlers' powers of comprehension!

I found the book 1-2-3 Magic quite helpful. Don't think I ever did read all of it but even a few pages were enough to show me where I was going wrong. Firstly I used to count to five or ten, but now it's 3, every time. Secondly, I used to explain, negotiate, etc. Simple explanation is fine, lengthy discussions are just not appropriate. It's also a really inconsistent way to treat small children - assume they can't understand 'naughty' behaviour or the concept of consequences but at the same time assume they can follow lengthy discourses on intangibles. "Because those are the rules" gets said a lot in our house these days. The DC try to gain some kind of control by inventing their own rules and that's fine too!

He is a normal 2 year old.
You will get lots of good advice on this thread, but I would really recommend getting some very basic books about child development.
Everything you describe in your OP is absolutely normal.

I had 2 boys 2 years apart. I couldn't do anything like cooking or cleaning while they were awake. (DH working very long hours, no family to help).

I walked them for miles every day, took them out all the time, then did everything else when they were asleep. IMO it is the only way.

A 2 year old has no idea what is in your head, what your expectations are, or the fact that you are trying to do anything else.

I had 2 boys 2 years apart. I couldn't do anything like cooking or cleaning while they were awake.
So glad to read this. I felt I was doing something wrong with my 2 youngest 16 months apart as even making a sandwich at lunch feels impossible some days.

Praise positive behaviour. If you do that again you will go home, in the buggy/high chair (away from fun). Seems to be working ok,

The consequence is I say no firmly. Or I stop them as soon as I know they'll do it. But that's it really. Dd is pretty good as is her older brother.

Try and step back & objectively observe what your child is actually doing. He isn't being naughty or doing these things to upset you. Unfortunately though if you keep reacting, that may become part of the entertainment to him.

He is a little scientist- experimenting with anything & everything around him. Kids of his age need to be busy. They need safe, open-ended items & environments to explore in. They don't know what is ok to play with or not- because as far as they are concerned- they want to learn about EVERYTHING, so it is all for touching & investigating. That is not naughty. That is learning.

I know it's annoying though. So here is a strategy to help him make good choice.

Firstly- review the toys you have: are they open-ended? (can he do more than one thing with them?) You don't need flashy, expensive things- often simple is best- if you tell me what he likes now I can help you think of affordable things to supplement what you have already- if it's kicking & throwing, then a range of different sized soft balls & plastic spouting/tubing for him to create ramps & tunnels.

Look at the environment & set up- how many 'dangerous' or non-child friendly things can be stored out of his main play areas?

For all the things that can't be removed- try "I can't let you throw the stones, that will break (whatever it is that you are worried about)- if you want to throw let's go find your ball"
Acknowledge his interest- & give him a more appropriate option.
"I won't let you climb on the table, but let's go climb ....safe other option"

Plan regular Mummy time, where you just sit, listen, observe & follow his lead. Play along side him. Don't try and teach him or direct him during this time. Just listen & 'sportscast'. i.e "You have the blue car" This type of play helps build his language.

If you can acknowledge his interests, give him firm consistent, boundaries, and give him regular quality time, while he directs the play. You should start to see improvements in his behaviour.

Because he knows that you will listen to him, give him the opportunity to follow his interests, and that the reason that you are saying no is not because he is naughty- it is because it is not safe.

Notso - they grow up so fast. Please don't fret - just accept that for a while you will be living on simple, bulk cooked and frozen meals.

You will walk so far that you will lose loads of weight and be slimmer and fitter than you have ever been (or will be again). Buy a couple of those oversized early learning centre type golf clubs with a plastic ball. They will walk much further with those than without (especially if evil mummy keeps hitting the ball just out of reach...)

A tent in the garden and picnics for as many meals as possible mean that they eat well too. I have been known to hand mine their lunch through the kitchen window as it saves on sweeping up .

I would say generally distraction is the best thing for 2 year olds. Say what the problem is in even tones, so he's aware it's wrong. Once they are a little older you can do things like time out; a minute per year of age.

teacherlikes' post is great; the page Fun at Home with the Kids has loads of fantastic ideas for sensory play and craft ideas.

I agree with the distraction and stopping them from doing it.
You need to look at education to gain discipline not punishment for lack of knowledge.
A 2 year old doesn't understand cause and effect or consequences, you need to teach him over time.

I disagree with most posters here. A 2 year old can be naughty. It's normal to be exploratory and throw a stone. That is not naughty. But when mummy says no and he throws it anyway, his behaviour is naughty. It's ok if he forgets, he only very young but if he does it within seconds, minutes of mummy saying no IT IS YOUR JOB to ensure he understand there is a consequence.

If you let it go and don't start using time-out - kitchen timers really help with this - it never worked for me until I used them, his behaviour will escalate and worsen.

It is not normal for a 2 year old to need to always be distracted to follow simple rules.

DD gets a favourite toy confiscated. She's normally given one choice to right whatever the wrong is and say sorry, then if she doesn't I explain what I'm doing and why, and let her see me take the toy and put it where she can't get to it. The next day, provided she's behAved herself, I remind her why I took it, and give it back telling her well done for behaving since then, with a warning that it'll be taken away again if she's naughty again.

No idea how effective a technique it is generally, but I've only had to do it three times in the six months or so since she turned two, and I started to feel confident that she understood the concept of misbehaviour!

We went out for dinner tonight and it was chaos. He didn't want to sit in a highchair and screamed when I put him in then moaned he wanted out. Then he wanted to dip his food into DH's coke and screamed again when we said no. He threw food and again I said no and eventually took it away from him. Then he started pulling at DH's dinner (DH gave in and gave him some of his) and he ended up throwing his juice cup at me hard and laughed. This sort of thing has never happened before. Only in the last week has he become so independent and expoloratory as alot of you call it? I used distraction tonight, took some of his favourite toys. Offered him alternative foods, menu to look at. Took him to window to see out etc. Some of it worked but most of it not and the way home in the car was awful. He kept dropping a toy ans asking me to pick it up over and over and over. I told him if he dropped it again I would not pick it back up and he did so I stuck to my guns and he screamed and kept saying "Mummy pick it up" over and over. I feel out of my depth.

Teacher he loves balls, watering plants (anything with water really), toy trains, books and his skooter. We spend alot of time together and have lots of Mummy time. How do you set the boundaries when they consistently break out of them?

sharon101

I've been there. We have left restaurants - feeling a little disgraced
being given judging looks and hoping never to see any of the people in the restaurant again. Then you look over at another with a kid around the same age, being an angel.

I felt very out of my depth as well! it changed when I started doing time-out correctly. Having a toy you can take away works, but it may be a while before they don't scream in public. 2 is hard, 2 and 1/2 is a lot easier.