Whats the funniest thing you've heard a new or soon-to-be parent say?

[ninipops]

This might well come across as a bit sneery or patronising but its not meant that way honestly!

My DSis is due her first baby soon (6th baby between my sibs 3 of which are mine) and during an email discussion between us sibs recently she made a comment about wanting 'to be able to concentrate on and enjoy the first few weeks of being a parent'. DH & I both read it and instantly burst out laughing - not meant in a patronising way but more because we know all too well how the first few weeks of sleep deprivation etc etc can be somewhat challenging. The idea of having any option other than to concentrate on that new bundle just really caught my funny bone.

Anyone else - or is it just me being a bitch?!?!

[lbsjob87]

My oldest friend is due in 4 weeks with her first. She's actually a midwife which is hilarious as she thinks she knows EVERYTHING.
She has so far said: "I get really wound up with some women who milk it during labour, as long as you really focus there's no need for all that screaming."
She's also said: "Breastfeeding is all about being calm and organised. Most women give up too easily, how hard can it be?"
And my personal favourite, to me, when I said my DS was breech at 38 weeks "It'll be fine, you are just worrying unnecessarily, trust me, I'm a midwife. You won't need a CS."
Two days later, after my CS - "Rather you than me - I'm lucky I won't need one."
She obviously works in the Cloud Cuckoo Maternity Hospital because neither of my CSs were planned and both were essential for the safety of my children.
She's also got a whole range of idealistic but unrealistic theories on naughty toddlers, schools, kids in general...
I genuinely CAN'T WAIT for her to deliver.....

[lbsjob87]

My oldest friend is due in 4 weeks with her first. She's actually a midwife which is hilarious as she thinks she knows EVERYTHING.
She has so far said: "I get really wound up with some women who milk it during labour, as long as you really focus there's no need for all that screaming."
She's also said: "Breastfeeding is all about being calm and organised. Most women give up too easily, how hard can it be?"
And my personal favourite, to me, when I said my DS was breech at 38 weeks "It'll be fine, you are just worrying unnecessarily, trust me, I'm a midwife. You won't need a CS."
Two days later, after my CS - "Rather you than me - I'm lucky I won't need one."
She obviously works in the Cloud Cuckoo Maternity Hospital because neither of my CSs were planned and both were essential for the safety of my children.
She's also got a whole range of idealistic but unrealistic theories on naughty toddlers, schools, kids in general...
I genuinely CAN'T WAIT for her to deliver.....

[BoldBlackCherry]

Best one I got from a friend who has no kids and absolutely no experience of kids was this - just don't let your 3 week old nap through the day then she will sleep all night. I had to laugh but I thanked her for the advice and prayed she will read some books or mumsnet if she ever has a baby

[slithytove]

Yep, I have vivid memories of being all alone in that hospital bed, sobbing my guts out after 3 days of no sleep, baby blues kicking in, and DS having to have repeat test for low blood sugar, feeding every hour, and some cunt rude partner of the woman next to me, staying past visiting hours, and constantly looking through my curtains.

Also had a bitchy midwife whip back my curtains during visiting hours while I was trying to get DS latched on. A whole ward of grandparents and partners saw my boobs.

Fuck me, I'm so not going to hospital this time if I can help it

[BlinkAndMiss]

Me: I'm not going to be a shouty mum, I'll explain quietly over and over again until DS understands.

18 months later, not so much. The only 'repeating quietly' I do involves rocking in the corner saying 'this too shall pass'. It's not that I shout all the time, but sometimes it's the only way to get DS to take notice and when he's about to hurt himself I have to do what works.

I also thought I'd be back in my pregnancy clothes within a week, they're still nowhere near and I'm on the verge of throwing them all out.

I took breastfeeding for granted but I think that's forgivable, it's natural so I didn't contemplate it not working out.

After hearing my awful birth story my friends told me they'd "decided against" an epidural as if it was an option that was easy to have, this was because it was so bad for the baby and if it meant she had to have pain to keep her baby safe then so be it. One EMCS later and she's not so judgy.

[drspouse]

Oh, and before DD arrived I thought "I'll cut DS' childcare down to two days a week [he was on 4 days and I was working 4 days], it will be lovely to have them both home three days with just me".

He has 3 days till the end of August and I'm already thinking, well, he doesn't have any regular pre-paid activities so I can ask nursery to give me an extra day each week whenever they have space.

[YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar]

"I'm going to get pregnant again within 6 months of birth. I want two kids and I want them to be very close in age. I'm also going to tandem bf them and my labour will be painful but I'm a woman it's what we're designed to do..."Said by my sil during her relaxed and problem free pregnancy with her dd. I did warn her to wait a while before making any rash decisions which to her credit she did and dn is a 9 year old only child.

[CheerfulYank]

Moomin that's not necessarily true. Moms do go back at 6 weeks here in the US sometimes but most people I've known personally do 12. I worked in a daycare for years and remember two or three six week olds out of hundreds of babies. And I remember them because it was strange to have such little ones.

[MiaSparrow]

Me: "but I've suffered excruciating, blinding, vomiting, wanting to die, three-day migraines. I KNOW PAIN."

Not. Even. Close.

[CornChips]

I said the same thing as I have a back problem. :)

I also said 'the baby has to go from here ' [pointing at naval] ' to here' [pointing at lady garden area]. 'Seriously, how hard can that be?'

There may have been a bit of denial there....

[Darksideofthemoon88]

X-country: That CAN happen - and it might if she's lucky/fit/has good genes/etc. It happened to me - I was back to my pre-pg weight by 8 days after Baby Darkside was born...

Some of mine:

(On labour): "How hard can it be? Women have been doing it since the beginning of time, the majority of them with no pain relief whatsoever, and most of them came through it ok." Ha!

(On Baby Darkside): "We just need to love her." Well, yes....and the rest. Love alone doesn't get her fed or stop her crying.

[minipie]

On these threads there's always someone who comes along and says "oh but my birth was pain free/my child was easy/my weight dropped off"

This is missing the point. If your birth, child, weight loss etc is easy, great. You were lucky. The point is, no parent-to-be should expect these things to happen. And they certainly shouldn't think they can make these things happen (which is what some including me pre DD seem to think)

[monsterowl]

I think these hilarious attitudes can turn sinister if the new parent tries to follow through on them after the birth ... my neighbour told me about a couple she knew who decided they weren't going to put up with the baby waking them up at night, so they just ignored the baby and let him/her scream, and after a week he/she didn't cry at night any more. I shudder to think what the poor child went through :(

[RedToothBrush]

lbsjob87, how can you be friends with such a judgemental and ignorant individual who is in a profession which demands those working in it to be understanding and supportive?

Her beliefs are potentially damaging to those she cares for. And to say that to her friend... well she has no clue about how that might make you feel and how it could seriously damage your self confidence.

[Darksideofthemoon88]

Minipie: I think you can, to a certain extent, make the weight drop off if your pregnancy and birth allow you to eat and exercise in a way that promotes that...though obviously you are right not to expect it.

Monster: That's terrible! Apart from anything else, how did they cope with the noise??

[Portlypenguin]

'I will do a PHD/ masters/ similar during maternity leave'

They wouldn't if they had had the non sleeping, screaming, diarrhoeal dairy allergic nightmare baby we did!!

[minipie]

Darkside not just if your pregnancy and birth allow it but also if your baby allows it! For example I have a friend whose baby was very chilled and happy to sit in pram while she did a gym session. Mine, not so much... I guess the point is that 10% is up to you but 90% is not.

[ClockWatchingLady]

Before I had DS, a lady at work asked me how I was going to get back from the hospital after giving birth (neither DP nor I could drive).

I looked at her as if she was mad, and said "I'll walk, of course". 5 miles. Ha ha ha.

[Albaalba]

I know someone who thought they'd get their PhD under way during maternity leave. 8 years later we're still not allowed to mention it (to her face).

[Zara8]

lbsjob please please PLEASE update us on how your midwife bitch friend gets on?

Maybe it's just my hospital but the female midwives that haven't had their own children live in fucking cloud cuckoo land with some of the things they spout. The midwives who have had children, and weirdly enough, the male midwives aren't so know-it-all!!

[CornChips]

yes I had a midwife who had not had children tell her handover that I was 'making heavy weather of it'. I have chronic disc problems, DS was back to back and I was literally passing out between contractions from the pain. In the end DS got stuck, had to be hauled out and I needed a blood transfusion. It's 4 years later and I still am relly really pissed off with being treated like a silly weakling with no pain threshold.

[ViviPru]

These people's biggest crime is telling the devil too much. I am 16 weeks; no stranger to observing new parents and their challenges but I still have some idealistic hopes for birth/early parenthood. I'm keeping the below close to my chest though!!

1. I want to concentrate on and as far as possible enjoy the first few weeks of being a parent. Erm, who doesn't?! I certainly won't be entertaining any distractions and while I'm realistic that life with a newborn is often far from enjoyable, it seems natural to me to hope to enjoy some of it at least?
   

1. It's likely I'll have a drug-free labour & birth. I'm resistant to local anaesthetic so an epidural would be largely pointless, and I'm also allergic to pethidine. I'm realistic and accepting of the fact that intervention might be unavoidable, but when it comes to drugs, gas and air will be about as hardcore as it gets for me.
   

1. I will have the lights dimmed when I'm labouring. Does this sound airy-fairy? When the time comes I 'won't care' about the lighting? While I certainly won't be insisting on whale music or naively declaring that breathing techniques are all I need to ride the pain, one thing is for sure, I can't ABIDE The Big Light and this will apply to labour too.
   

1. Unless there is a physical condition which renders it impossible, We will be travelling to Turkey with 4 m/o DC. While I wouldn't ordinarily book a holiday so soon after the birth, it's my best friend's wedding and I see no tangible reason why this is should be outside the realms of possibility provided we have realistic (low) expectations of just how much time we will spend beyond the confines of our hotel room.
   

1. I'll be back at the gym after around 2 months, even if it's just an hour a week. I'm working very closely with a specialist ante/post-natal instructors throughout my pregnancy, I do 5 classes a week. I'm already interacting with new mums who attend some of the classes, I see first hand their differing capabilities and restrictions. I have a realistic idea of what is and isn't possible. There's a good creche on-site and a broad variation in how often postnatal Mums in my class have to leave to settle DC in the creche. I'm prepared for it to be every 5 minutes. If it is, so be it. I don't expect these gym sessions to have much if any effect for a long while but I'd like to start as I mean to go on.
   

There's no way on earth I'm speaking of any of this to anyone. I'm sure all they would hear is "life with a newborn is enjoyable.... drug-free birth..... wants fancy lighting.... going on holiday with a 4 m/o.... thinks she can get straight back into shape" and I'd sound like an idiot.

[ViviPru]

haha I have clearly lost the ability to count to 5 already though

[Deverethemuzzler]

viv you see a lot of 'you won't care about lighting, dignity, who is there, what you are doing' re childbirth on MN (and everywhere else).

My experience was that I cared very much with all of my births but it was only by DC5 that I was able to be really confident about expressing that.

Of course its true that lots of women don't care. Lots do though. We are all different. If you find bright lights distressing its perfectly reasonable for you to want to have them dimmed during labour IMO.

[ViviPru]

That's my thinking, Deverethemuzzler. Sure if I'm bluelighted to hospital and the either me or the baby is at risk and bundled into theatre I won't have much of a say over the lighting! But it's interesting to me to hear from someone who has obviously got the t-shirt that it can be a question of confidence expressing your preferences...