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Original poster

Doing the right thing (please read)

31 replies

DesperateDad14 · 14/06/2014 12:14

Hello.

I've turned to Mumsnet because you are all parents and from many walks of life.

Some back story.

My partner decided to split with me out of the blue 18 months ago. She left me destitute. We had a 3 year old son between us. Truthfully, I didnt want another. Id brought up twin boys and frankly did not want another serving. I gave in to my ex because it was clear she wanted children and I thought we had a future.

So, I saw my son once a week and made regular maintenance payments for him. They have now moved 140 miles away. Because I was left with all the debt, I'm still trying to get myself straight (still haven't missed a maintenance payment though).

Put simply. I cannot afford to go and see him. This hurts. A lot! It is tearing me up inside. It is his birthday this week. I cant really afford the 50 quid to get to him, let alone presents etc on top. I cannot borrow anymore.

Is it wrong to walk away from social contact? Atleast for another year or so. I am happy to pay (even though it's a struggle).

Advice and opinions gratefully received.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 14/06/2014 12:18

I think as she has moved away, it is her responsibility to sort costs for access.....I may have misunderstood and dont know in what way she should facilitate it but from threads on here, it seems to be the legal viewpoint.

HopOnMyChooChoo · 14/06/2014 12:23

I imagine this is very hard for you but surely you could skype him regularly? That way you could 'see' him every day if you really wanted to. I think you need to try to do whatever you can to keep the relationship alive no matter how difficult - it will matter to your little boy so much when he is older that you made the effort. Children who feel abandoned by a parent never really get over it and it can a hugely negative impact on their lives.

Branleuse · 14/06/2014 12:25

megabus?

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Branleuse · 14/06/2014 12:26

megabus?

MrsLeonard · 14/06/2014 14:23

where do you need to travel from and to? you might be better putting this in chat simply as it gets more traffic.

LittleLionMansMummy · 14/06/2014 15:07

Is moving closer an option? It will matter to your son when he's older that you moved heaven and earth to keep seeing him. And yes check out the legal situation with your ex and contributions to travelling costs. Are your maintenance payments in line with the recommendations?

Kerryp · 14/06/2014 15:16

Hi I would just be honest with ex and tell her you won't be able to make it. Send your son a card and whatever you can. It's the thought that counts. Tell him you really wish you were there but you won't manage right now. Maybe ask his mum if she would be willing to let him stay for a couple of weeks. Maybe during summer hols?

luckiestgirlintheworld · 14/06/2014 16:10

Skype! And megabus! And handmade presents! And perhaps a conversation with your ex about her maybe paying for your megabus.

Original poster
DesperateDad14 · 14/06/2014 17:35

Sadly, the megabus does not go anywhere near where my ex now lives. It's either the train or my bicycle.

I am going to investigate if my ex should pay for travel and the mean time take the pain of not going.

I cannot relocate 140 miles away. I've lost almost everything, all I have is some clotjes and a job. She left me totally destitute. You honestly suggest throwing my job whilst I am in debt?

Thanks again all

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 14/06/2014 17:42

Speak to a lawyer and your ex, could you meet half way for the day? Is the debt in your name alone or joint? If it's in joint she needs to help pay it

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 14/06/2014 17:44

The right thing to do is work to keeping as mich contact with your child as possible with the means that are avaliable to you.

Skype as suggested above is a brilliant idea, sending postcards (kids bloody love getting their own mail) and if money ever forces you to decide on a gift or a visit - always plump for visit. Your son will prefer and be more liikely to remember a (free) day out with dad to the beach or the park than a toy or game.

MexicanSpringtime · 14/06/2014 18:05

I'm a bit out of touch with life in the UK, but does nobody hitch-hike anymore?

Alita7 · 14/06/2014 18:55

No Mexican hitch hiking barely ever happens.

major hugs! not being able to see him must be the worst thing and I understand how ruined some mentioned can be by paying maintenance on top of debts from a relationship.

Have you thought about asking friends or would she ever come to you (maybe she has friends and family near you that she would visit anyway?)

Have you had a heart to heart with her or is she totally hostile? If she's amicable could you ask to reduce maintenance so you could afford to go once a month? £10 less a week would be a major help!

Otherwise are there any charities you could speak to?

andream34 · 14/06/2014 20:51

I am sorry to hear of your situation, DesperateDad14, is must be very hard.

MOST IMPORTANT - you MUST maintain contact with your son, in whatever way you can afford. If you really can't afford to make the trip, then skype him, and if that is not an option then ring him on the day. And be honest with him as to why you can't be there, but obviously in the most simple of terms, and tell him you miss him. Is there nothing you could do without in order to be able to afford the trip... as a birthday is once a year?

As regards the split do you mind me asking why your partner made the decision to split and yet you are left with the debt? Also, in terms of maintenance payments, who has the set the amount that you should pay?

Original poster
DesperateDad14 · 15/06/2014 06:33

Talking is difficult. it is an effort to remain civilised. I am going to write to her today, but I know it will be bumpy.

I paid for everything. Her credit rating was bad and her spending habits were awfuI and I also made the mistake of signing a declaration of trust when we bought the house. Long story short, I got shafted.

Hindsight has been wonderful. I can clearly see I was used. Within 12 months of her finding out she could not have any more children it was over. 18 months later, i still do not know why. I could go on but it's pointless.

I would rather say that I wish I had met the current lady in my life years earlier. She is a star.

OP posts:
icklekid · 15/06/2014 06:40

If its debt concerning your house could you sell and downsize or rent somewhere cheaper? Sad thay your not able to see your son...

Original poster
DesperateDad14 · 15/06/2014 06:47

Maintenance is calculated by the the government calculator.

OP posts:
Original poster
DesperateDad14 · 15/06/2014 06:48

House is sold and gone. Guess who took almost all the loss

OP posts:
mustardtomango · 15/06/2014 07:16

Given that your son is now a distance away, and it's likely you won't get to see him soon, could you work it so you could meet on his birthday?

I know you said you can't really afford it, but if you can (at a pinch), and maybe you start alternate travelling arrangements where next time he visits you. Maybe a meet every 3 months until finances are better, with lots of Skype between?

Or - send him a webcam and login details for a Skype account you've set up in his name, maybe with a little cake, then have a Skype birthday party (you could get in some balloons/banner/party hat). Relies on his mum sorting it out for him, but sure he'd be so excited it'd be likely. Then plan stuff with him on Skype, like a trip to yours for the weekend and everything (in detail) he'd like to do

mustardtomango · 15/06/2014 07:17

Forgot the social contact bit - don't walk away. It might be hard to get back.

oohdaddypig · 15/06/2014 07:21

Sorry, but it sounds like you want an excuse not to see your son now your has partner left.

It's not just about money. You could make him a card and spend thirty pence on postage until you are back on your feet. You could phone. Could you meet half way?

Please please don't lose touch with your son. It's not his fault and he will grow up without a dad. And you will regret it later.

wigglylines · 15/06/2014 07:32

You are your son's only dad. It will be much harder him not knowing you, or feeling like you couldn't be bothered with him than it us for you to travel to see him occasionally. You are the adult here, man up!

The circumstances of his birth are irrelevant now he is a real human being in the world (e.g. You didn't really want a 3rd child and your relationship with his mum isn't great). That's to do with the relationship with you and your ex, not you and him. You must seperate the two. He is not part if your ex, he is a seperate individul. He is your son and he needs you.

This is a logistical problem and you need to find acway to solve it. What could you afford for travel? How about a car sharing scheme? I don't know what it's called but I know there's a website yu can sign up for and you arrange lifts with people (you contribute toward petrol, and both parties can rate each other, so you can see you're getting in a vehicle with someone others have found bearable!)

It's the modern form of hitching.

Or, book a ticket way in advance. I can get from the south coast if England to Scotland for £40 if I am flexible about trains. Use the "best fare finder" under "tools" on thetrainline.com to find the best deals.

wigglylines · 15/06/2014 07:37

My friend had her son taken off her and places with her dad for a while (long back story I won't go into). She lived in north London and he lived in south. She couldn't afford the money to travel across London everyday. So she walked a two hour round journey, twice a day, so she could be there to take her son to school and pick him up again at the end of the day, so she could see him every day. She could have said it was too far / too expensive, but she didn't, she just found a way to make it happen. (She got her son back, FWIW).

Are you able to tell us the major towns near the both of you? We could maybe help you find a way?

Alita7 · 15/06/2014 10:03

Also could you start a change pot? Every 50p or £2 coin goes in the pot until you have enough?

Original poster
DesperateDad14 · 15/06/2014 10:27

A few things;

  1. I am borderline destitute. Seriously. I'm at work today, 12 hour shift. No food. No money. I will not eat until after 7pm tonight. I can bearly look after myself.
  2. The last 18 months have been hard. With an almost constant stream of bad things. Example. 2 weeks ago I went to the doctor. I was and am struggling. She proceeded to dismiss each of my worries like they were stupid. I have her apology letter at home after I walked out. But it still hurt like hell.
  3. I cannot save. I earn less than 900 per month. After bills rent etc, I'm lucky to have 50 quid for a month.
  4. I've brought up twins after their mother walked out. I KNOW what it does to kids.
OP posts:
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