Doing the right thing (please read)

[DesperateDad14]

Hello.

I've turned to Mumsnet because you are all parents and from many walks of life.

Some back story.

My partner decided to split with me out of the blue 18 months ago. She left me destitute. We had a 3 year old son between us. Truthfully, I didnt want another. Id brought up twin boys and frankly did not want another serving. I gave in to my ex because it was clear she wanted children and I thought we had a future.

So, I saw my son once a week and made regular maintenance payments for him. They have now moved 140 miles away. Because I was left with all the debt, I'm still trying to get myself straight (still haven't missed a maintenance payment though).

Put simply. I cannot afford to go and see him. This hurts. A lot! It is tearing me up inside. It is his birthday this week. I cant really afford the 50 quid to get to him, let alone presents etc on top. I cannot borrow anymore.

Is it wrong to walk away from social contact? Atleast for another year or so. I am happy to pay (even though it's a struggle).

Advice and opinions gratefully received.

OP, my father moved to South Africa when I was 4. We already had a relationship, but he chose to move and expected me ( a child) to write to him regularly. I cannot forgive a man who, despite the fact that he had built a relationship with me and claimed to love me, didn't make every effort to stay in my life.

I know your situation is different; you didn't choose to be apart, but I agree with other posters... do everything you can to maintain contact. Skype is your friend.

do the twins live with you now?
Are you paying through csa?

I have heard of lots of single men living in shared houses earning around the amount you do, paying half of that on maintenance and debts and the other half on rent with barely anything left for food. Unable to claim benefits (or anything substantial) because their income is on paper too high, but they've been ruined by an ex who leaves them financially crippled.

To me moving away knowing you have so little money and refusing to bring the child half way (assuming you've asked and been told no) is in my opinion purposely done because she wants the child to herself.
I don't know if you'd have to pay court fees but you could get a free hour with a solicitor and then stand for yourself in court?

I'll also add that for the op to use Skype with his son, (who is only 3 I think) he would be reliant on his ex setting it up and agreeing a time to do it as well as letting the child use her computer for it. She might refuse or say yes and never set it up or something.

Also he may not have Internet if things are so bad! He might be using his phone for this post or a friends computer.

Sorry OP, we cross posted. You need to eat properly if you're working, to stop you from becoming ill, or depressed. Our local church, who run a food bank, have a fund to help out with situations such as yours. They help with clothing, decoration, furniture for anyone who may be struggling... not just families. Is there a welfare advice centre near you? They would know of initiatives such as that.

Good luck.

Not sure if it's mentioned but there's a website. Think it's blah blah.co.uk where you find people doing the same journey and offer money to them

Don't lose contact with him. It will never end well. It will be thought that you don't want to see him.

If you only earn £900 a month what's your annual salary? Have you checked whether you are entitled to working tax credit?
Also, if you are over 35 and privately renting you may be entitled to a little bit of housing benefit. Put your details into www.entitledto.com to check there isn't any help you could be getting.