Has anyone just not been cut out to be a parent?

[Petallic]

I have 2 small DC and am struggling with being a full time parent. I know that PND is often suggested as a cause for feeling like this but whilst I am going to drag myself to Drs this week, deep down I know I'm not depressed and I can no longer blame sleep deprivation for feeling this way either.

The thought of another 16 years parenting feels unmanageable and my negative attitude is a drain on our family unit - somrthing that will surely effect the DC eventually but equally I feel that if I walk out then I am pushing a greater burden onto my DP - who already works full time and does more than his fair share of parenting/household tasks etc.

Has anyone been in a similar position and decided that it was better that they were a non-resident parent?

Yes full time at home currently. I'm due to go back to working in the next month or so (I've started applying for temp jobs - the agency just needs to process my paperwork). So maybe that will help.

Why are you going to the doctors if you don't think you're depressed? This is a genuine question :)

I don't think I'm a particularly brilliant parent - I know I'm not in fact, and I have had many irrational thoughts in my darker moments about it, but honestly it isn't 16 more years, it gets SO much easier when they move beyond the preschool stage. DS is in year 2 and no trouble at all, he pretty much brings himself up

Hang in there

Another 16 years of baby and toddlers would be unbearable for most of us!
Good luck with finding a balance with other things, even if a job only covers childcare costs.
Even if you don't think you are depressed, letting the GP know you are bloody miserable can be helpful - they may be able to make suggestions and check there isn't a physical issue like low vitD or thyroid.

Sounds like something has to change, so hopefully changing the balance of your life so childcare is a bit less of it will help.

To be honest I couldn't be at home fulltime with dd. I love her like mad but would be absolutly miserable as a sahm. It just isn't something I would want to do or enjoy. I am a better mum for working and I really don't see that as a problem our something to feel bad about.

I think you should speak to your gp but you also shouldn't feel that wanting to work rather then be a sahm makes your a bad parent. It doesn't.

I thought I would go to the drs and complete a talking therapy / anti-d's because then I've done it and I know that if I just up and leave it will be the assumption that I'm acting "irrationally" and it's due to depression or whatever. Which is the same reason I'm going back to work because that's what people say will help. It won't, I'm fed up and not cut out for just the constant responsibility and restrictions of having children. Going back to work is just going to increase my stress levels further

I know it will change as they get older and I won't have to provide the physical caregiving I currently do, but I just don't enjoy being a parent and I try to imagine what it will be like as the children are older and I still can't see myself enjoying any of it. And whilst that's not so relevant now - eventually that's going to have an impact on the DC and I'm neither a good enough actor or selfless enough to fake it forever

Are you saying you are thinking about acrually leaving your children?

But leaving won't solve anything... Ultimately you will still be responsibly for your children.

No judgement here, I've often felt as you do. Do you mind me asking, what did you feel like after you just had one? I'm just wondering why you wanted to have another.

I'm at home full time too with 23m DD and 4m DS and it's exhausting and boring a lot of the time. I wouldn't want to be totally 'non-resident' though as you describe it. A few hours off suffices. What makes you think your children would be better off without you?

I couldn't be at home with two small children, but I don't think that doesn't make me cut out to be a parent.

I'm not cut out to be a full-time stay at home parent. But happily I have a great job I can do p/t. It makes me really enjoy the time I do spend with my son so much more.
Also, being a parent to a ten year old is nothing like being a parent to a one year old.
And finally, being a non- resident parent is still being a parent, there is no going back, you cannot un-be a parent so it's up to you to find a way to be content as a parent (whether by working out of the home or refocusing the activities you do or lifestyle you have).

I was pregnant with no. 2 when DC1 was 5 months old. DC2 was planned, although DC1 was unplanned. I don't know why we had no. 2 - it was totally at my instigation, I think I was keen to complete our family quickly, but with hindsight it probably wasn't the best idea.

I was hoping there night be others who have done similar and chosen not to live with their children . I know legally I guess I'd still have responsibilities and of course I would contribute financially but I'm just not cut out for being a parent.

Don't write off counselling/therapy. I was feeling detached from everything, like I could walk in front of a bus and be "meh" but I wasn't suicidal. I also doubted my ability as a parent and the thought of doing it forever just scared me senseless.
I work full time in a fairly stressful role and was also going downhill there too, thanks to dh and awesome boss, I got some sessions organised and haven't looked back. I needed to process everything and I'm much happier all around for it.

How old are they now?

I know that friends with small age gaps have struggled, but there is a hump to get over and then things will get better.

Hi Petallic

Sounds like you have a similar age gap to mine. My two are 11 months apart. I will be totally honest and say I really didn't cope for some time, really asked myself what I'd done, wasn't sure I wanted to be a mum at all, wanted to up and leave etc. I would frequently have meltdowns and cry and tell DH I wasn't cry out for it and didn't want to be a mum anymore. I remember walking the dogs one day and sitting on a bench in tears not wanting to go home again. I hated the constant neediness, clingyness and lack of space. I hadn't realised how previously I guarded my time and space until it was gone.

In the end things got to a non-coping point and I went to the docs. She told me parents with two children under five are statistically much more likely to suffer from depression - your chances go right up. I went on anti-d meds and I'll be blunt - best thing I ever did. I was so against it, thought it would be 'weak' etc but it was the best decision I've ever made and people are commenting on how happy and relaxed I am....people who don't know I'm on meds!

Feel free to PM me if it helps, but I pretty much was where you are in some ways. Bottom line was I just could not cope and getting help was the only answer. Parenting is actually enjoyable these days!

I'm defiantly as cut out as what I thought I would be. I always thought I'd ace being a mum but actualy I get an awful lot wrong. Love them to death tho:-) it's got to count for something x

NOT as cut out that should read

I have often felt like I'm not cut out to be a parent- still do much of the time. I'm too selfish, and a perfectionist and I prefer being alone than being with others.

I have never got to the point of thinking I would leave. Although I have thought the children would be better off without me as their caregiver, I simultaneously felt that they were my responsibility, and I felt a strong commitment to that responsibility.

I have had ADs, and CBT, which helped a bit at the time. The children are older now, and things are much better. I am still not a great parent- I never will be- but I do the best I can to meet their needs.

I feel very guilty that I can't be a better mum to them, but they do love me, and I love them.

I wish you all the best, OP.

Wading just going on the info in your post - as I would never normally say to someone that they are not a good parent, but do your children pick up on your "not good" parenting and have they been affected by it?

I really don't know Petallic.

I wouldn't say they've come to any conclusion themselves that I'm not a good parent- they don't know any different, and I'm not cruel or abusive so there's nothing obviously 'wrong', IYSWIM.

My DD (our eldest child) knows that I don't consider myself to be a good parent, because unfortunately she's heard me say it on many occasions. When I've said it, she has rushed to disagree with me, and to reassure me that I'm 'the best mum in the world' and so on. But again, I'm the only mum she's ever had, so she has nothing to compare me to!

Yes I suppose it's a difficult thing to measure even if you wanted to! But maybe that's a good sign for you either way - either you are a better parent than you think or even if you aren't, you are doing a good enough job at stopping it from affecting your DC negatively.

I think that's a really good point Petallic- thanks, you've made me think.
Perhaps you might come to a similar conclusion about your own situation.

Probably a stupid question, but do you feel bonded to them? Do you love them? I don't want to sound trite or simplistic, but just loving them can count for an awful lot, IME. Because they know. And they can forgive quite a lot if they feel secure in a parent's love. Not that they should have to forgive anything really awful, of course. But just the general not-quite-good-enoughness.

Thanks, I'll go and have a look at the MH board and find that thread. To answer the questi