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Has anyone just not been cut out to be a parent?

47 replies

Petallic · 08/06/2014 15:11

I have 2 small DC and am struggling with being a full time parent. I know that PND is often suggested as a cause for feeling like this but whilst I am going to drag myself to Drs this week, deep down I know I'm not depressed and I can no longer blame sleep deprivation for feeling this way either.

The thought of another 16 years parenting feels unmanageable and my negative attitude is a drain on our family unit - somrthing that will surely effect the DC eventually but equally I feel that if I walk out then I am pushing a greater burden onto my DP - who already works full time and does more than his fair share of parenting/household tasks etc.

Has anyone been in a similar position and decided that it was better that they were a non-resident parent?

OP posts:
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crochetcircle · 08/06/2014 21:43

Hi petallic

I read your first post and wondered if you had a small age gap between your children, and see now that you do. We had the same age gap as you, pregnant again after 5 months with DD2. Also intentionally.

However, I wanted to tell you that the second six months of our second child's life were really, really hard. Although it continues to be hard now that DD1 is coming up to 2 it is getting easier all the time.

Going back to work was what saved me - no way I could have carried on as a SAHM, I found it really ate away at who I am. My husband is very hands on, and helps out a lot. So I always had him here if if got to be too much.

I haven't felt like you do and wanted to leave, but I have felt things I would never have expected myself to feel during the early years of my children's life.

I think you are doing all the right things and being very honest. Go back to work, try medication, give yourself time to rediscover a bit of yourself again. And if you still feel the same way after all that then you have to think hard and take the decision.

My own mother left when I was 15 and I do not blame or hate her for it at all, although I cannot imagine doing it myself.

Petallic · 08/06/2014 21:48

Whoops. I do love them and if there was no one else to have them then my leaving wouldn't be an option. But DP is fantastic and they will do well with him. Maybe it will all sort itself out in the end and I will like being a parent eventuallyt. I'm not planning on leaving in the immediate future and I will explore the dr and going back to work options first. I do think I owe my children that. But I do think I've made a mistake in having children and perhaps I do seem fixated on the not being a parent part, but that's what I was hoping to hear about others experiences. Thanks for everyone's comments and suggestions

OP posts:
Billynomates71 · 08/06/2014 22:13

I have 4 dc's (3of my own and a dsd) and also don't think I am cut out to be a parent. I don't abuse them, or anything like that, but I am essentially selfish, I like my own space.

I often think they would be better off without me. They love me and I love them, but dh is great with them and I question whether if I weren't there would it make great deal of difference?

I have NEVER EVER admitted this to dh or anyone else for that matter.

What keeps me there is my dm's story. Her dm left when she was 2. Her df remarried (3times) and each stepmother was progressively worse than the last. The last one beat her with a studded dog collar, until she eventually ran away on her bike, intending to cycle into the river. Thankfully she didn't, she found good kind people to help her.

My own dm therefore had no decent parenting role models and while she did her best, she made mistakes.

And I think the cycle goes on. I have also made huge parenting mistakes and now massively doubt my ability to be a good parent.

But it remains that I love them. I may not be winning supermum of the year, and I may not be loving it, but they are mine and I am theirs. I am a better parent than no parent, or a parent who has no feelings for them.

You are not alone OP. so so not alone, and it does get easier as they get older. Get some counselling. I did and whilst it didn't make everything superdedooper, it was an hour a week I could whinge off about how crappy everything was without any guilt or later recriminations (as usually happens if you use a family member to sound off at).

Also find something for yourself. I went back to work and threw myself into it like a lunatic. If that's not going to be good for you, find something else - running, swimming, reading, writing, further ed, knitting - anything, something.

Hang in there. It's ok to not love it. But they do need you, and you will need them back.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 08/06/2014 22:24

You will either think this sounds similar or not recognise it, but I find my state just changes almost every 30 mins. But like Hugh grant in about a boy. Mainly because of my two under five....

tallskinnylatte · 08/06/2014 22:29

I popped in this evening to start a more (intentionally) lighthearted thread on being a rubbish parent and while I am trying to think about my shortcomings humorously, your concerns seem to mirror some of mine- but from the flipside of having confidence in myself that the blips are within a longer term picture of actually being good enough- not perfect, but good enough.
In my bleaker moments (usually post-shouty mummy) I have thought that perhaps DD would be better off with my DH (who probably is naturally better)- but that usually lasts about 10 secs before I realise that although I'm not always the best parent in the world, I love her, she loves me and the love outweighs the harder bits.
However, things have been VERY hard at points and I just have the one- I have watched my friends with 2, close together, going through an incredibly tough time. And lack of sleep, possibly some mild depression and extreme stress from being made redundant while on ML means that when I could have been thinking about no 2, I couldn't imagine going through the baby stage again (and I've missed my (age) window now though that's another story).
There are some good and sympathetic posts on here- please take them to heart. My own experience is-
You will not be parenting toddlers/pre-schoolers forever- oh the bliss of watching your children play with other children with minimal intervention!
It will pass- good and bad. You will (occasionally) get to go to the toilet on your own.
Work is good- don't underestimate what it adds to your sense of self, as well as being able to drink coffee while it's still hot.
Try to do some exercise (without DC)- I started running a couple of years ago and rely on the physical and mental lift to keep me level.
Good luck.

QTPie · 08/06/2014 22:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SueDNim · 08/06/2014 22:45

I'm not a perfect parent, no one is. And in one of my less than perfect parenting moments today, I asked DD if she wanted to go and find a better mummy (I was joking, but obviously that really compounds my imperfect parenting). There was absolutely no hesitation, she said no. Children attach fiercely to you, despite your imperfections. And when they are tiny, they really don't notice if you are just going through the motions. If you have to fake it, then do, but one day you will notice you aren't faking it anymore.

Misty9 · 08/06/2014 22:52

I'm not cut out for this is something I regularly say at the moment, with ds, 2.9, and his baby sister, 7 weeks. I too have a very hands on fantastic dh, and this seems to be a theme amongst the posters who say they feel similarly. Perhaps this can highlight our own shortcomings and lead to unfavourable comparisons? Whereas if you have a partner who is less supportive then there may be less opportunity for this?

Just a thought. I know I often compare my parenting to that of my partner's, and find myself wanting. But they'll only have one mum and as someone else said, a present mum of any kind is usually preferable to no mum at all.

I'd definitely try counselling or meds, just to tick the box like you said.
Good luck, it's bloody hard work with long term feedback and rewards in my opinion!

WonderingAllowed · 08/06/2014 23:14

I have been a parent for coming up to 18 years now and am definitely not cut out for it as I tell myself most days but we have all have survived and on the whole it has been very worthwhile and will continue to be. By the time my DC all reach 18, I will have been a parent for 31 years. By anyway, we will be parents for the rest of our lives.

It is something you really don't know whether you are cut out for until you are doing it and then there is no going back. There are good times and bad times and bits in between.

Even if you leave, you will still be a parent. Remember that you are your DCs world and do whatever you have to do to get through the hard times. They will soon pass.

BertieBotts · 08/06/2014 23:25

I have one child who is five years old and I have felt like this.

The good news is, it is getting better. I am hopeful that it will get better for you too. Funnily enough one thing that I have found since he turned about 3 is that it is very difficult and intense to be a parent of an only child. With a small age gap, you might find that the benefit of this comes at this age, because they begin to depend mainly on each other for their play, companionship, etc rather than on you, which means that your relationship with them becomes able to be more on your terms than theirs.

I really identify with Billy's post - and although I'm concerned that saying this will be less helpful and rather make you feel more trapped, I feel like I have to say it - if you leave your children, it will affect them. No matter how good your partner is, no matter how crappy a mother you feel you are, unless you present an actual danger to them, they are not better off without you.

I went through a really long time where I had to really force myself not to do the minimum with DS - and a lot of the time I really did do the minimum whenever I could get away with it. I felt sick with it. I felt a profound sense of loss and regret. There was one night a couple of months ago where I put DS to bed and felt genuinely elated because for the first time in maybe a year or two, I had suddenly realised that I had an answer to the question "What do you love about your children?" Because for a long time I couldn't have told you. To be honest, that still makes me feel sick now - that for such a long time I had nothing concrete that I liked about my child. Maybe if you'd asked me to think about it I could have come up with something, but it really felt as though I loved him only by default, because I had to. If he'd been a pet, I might have rehomed him. If I had an option to and I knew that it wouldn't have harmed him emotionally, I might have done that.

But, I'm glad I didn't have that option, endlessly glad. And although I still have moments where I hate it I can truly say that I enjoy it now. Most of the time. I had DS young and it's frustrating to see other people my age having a totally different life to us.

I think that feeling let down, or lied to, or worrying that you've somehow failed or aren't a good mother because you don't "feel totally fulfilled" by having children is far more common than people think. Also a big part of it is just that it is a massive, MASSIVE headfuck, shock to the system, lifestyle change to have children and it doesn't matter what people tell you in words, words cannot convey how that actually feels. I don't know what your ideas were about having DC before you had them, but I always wanted them, thought I'd have loads, assumed I'd be a great mum, etc, and therefore I feel far more like I've failed, been cheated, I don't know? Maybe it's not anything to do with that. But I suppose it's not like I imagined it and I don't know why, and I suspect very much that it's me. I do have very high expectations of myself as a mother and it's easier in areas where I can either relax or easily achieve those expectations. I've also found it easier to try and redefine my thoughts about motherhood along the lines of thinking of it more as a relationship (as I suspect DH does) and less of a role or task that I can do well or badly at. Because when it's a task, it's never ending, and that makes it frustrating and mundane and boring. But when it's a relationship it's easier to be easier on yourself, it feels like a positive that it stretches on endlessly rather than a frightening prospect.

BertieBotts · 08/06/2014 23:29

This of Billy's in particular stood out to me:

It's ok to not love it. But they do need you, and you will need them back.

Wadingthroughsoup · 08/06/2014 23:37

I don't know about you OP, but I'm finding a lot of reassurance here.

What Bertie has just posted re relationship vs task really made me think.

And this from Billy:
I may not be loving it, but they are mine and I am theirs. I am a better parent than no parent, or a parent who has no feelings for them.

made me feel quite emotional.

Thank you to everyone who's posted here. I have found this thread really helpful. Sorry OP, hope that doesn't sound like I'm trying to hijack!

BertieBotts · 08/06/2014 23:44

I love love love this:

You blissed out moms are ruining futures

BertieBotts · 08/06/2014 23:46

Also this, because it is honest and raw and beautiful (although the blog I linked above is more so, I read this book first and it made me cry, a lot, and feel less alone.) The Mother Trip

BertieBotts · 08/06/2014 23:57

Sorry last one I promise, but this is heart achingly true.

I became a mother, and died to live.

The author of this blog is actually my hero, and she'd hate to hear that - she's just got guts and a gift with words, to be able to say it like it is.

SueDNim · 09/06/2014 00:03

Bertie's last paragraph is spot on. Nothing prepares you for being a parent. Nothing in my life has been irreversible in the way that becoming a mother has been. If you pick the wrong course at school or university, it can be horrible, but you can drop out, retake a year or soldier on because it is only 3 years. Follow the wrong career and you can switch. It might be tough, but it is possible. Buy the wrong item - take it back for a refund. Go out with someone but it doesn't work out - unpleasant at the time, but you can move on.

Having a child is so different. You go in with your eyes closed. You're given a wailing bundle and expected to get on with it. I am still amazed that I wasn't able to go to John Lewis and pick the baby I wanted, that feels like how the rest of my life works.

Your life changes and you lose so much freedom. Not only are you tied to your child, but also to your house, job and relationship in a way that you might not have felt before. When people have a second child, I have been known to say "well, you might as well, your life is already ruined". I am joking, but your life as you knew it is in tatters. It takes time to adjust to your new life and I think that for many people, they will always yearn for some of the things they have lost. I'd love to go on a 2 week road trip across Canada with no DD in tow. I don't want to leave her for that long and wouldn't do it, but I am sad not to be able to.

My DD is now great company and the idea of having a second child doesn't scare me because I would have my DD with me to entertain me. I also think that while I might not fall instantly in love with a second child, watching DD with one might help my relationship with it. You probably didn't get to that point before having your second.

Billynomates71 · 09/06/2014 00:23

I also think Bertie's comments in her last paragraph about viewing parenting as a relationship not a task are spot on, I will think this over a lot and think this might help me.

My two youngest are 12months apart. I was preg again when ds1 was 3mo. Those first 3-4 years were the toughest and some of the darkest of my life. I felt as though I had made a terrible, horrible mistake. Ds2 I really felt I struggled to love properly. And I hated myself, because the 'normal' thing is to love your children endlessly, magically, and effortlessly.

Ds2 is 6 this year. And I do now love him with every ounce of my being. It really does get better.

tallskinnylatte · 10/06/2014 15:54

Really interesting programme on R4 now about estrangement- relating to older children but thought provoking and may be of some relevance. Half listening as I'm working but did hear a mention about a mother who didn't want to have children (from the perspective of her daughter).
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b045z93v

MiaowTheCat · 10/06/2014 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Breakhardthewishbone · 10/06/2014 16:30

I know you don't think you're depressed, and maybe you're not.

I have a strong feeling that going back to work and possibly a few months of ADs, if your GP thinks appropriate, could really change how you feel.

I would go under if I was home all the time. I work part time, which has helped, and am about to increase my hours again, partly for money but also my own sanity. I love my kids but CBeebies and endless Playdough drives me batty. That's ok. We're not all meant to like it.

LJBanana · 10/06/2014 18:40

I think the honesty that has been shown in this thread is amazing. It's really difficult to share how you really feel,especially about something like this. It's so personal and something that you may not realise in full yourself until you start reading others experiences and recognising yourself in others' writing.
I often feel guilty that I give the best of myself to other people's children (through work) and don't reserve the same level of patience for my own.
Ultimately I am employed to give others that level of patience and time and I need to stop making those comparisons, as it's not the same.
Being a parent to young children is relentless. It's exhausting and repetitive. The natural responses of your children can have a result on your self worth. If I've been rushing around doing everything all day for my children and they don't thank me for something I pass to them, I can get caught up with them taking me for granted, being rude, can't they see what I've been doing all day......
Ultimately at 3,6 and a baby no they can't see what goes on behind the scenes and perhaps they just need prompting to remember their manners. Little things like this though can just add to your feeling of being useless and affect your self esteem if it's one of many little things.
I too would love to go away somewhere and have no responsibilities, to not be time bound, not think of what to wear for practical reasons but for me.
It's a massive loss and change of identity and it takes a while to get your head round that and claw back some of yourself. And yourself being you and not just someone's mum.

aroha77 · 11/06/2014 08:14

Just to add another point of view - growing up I always knew I wasn't planned and that my mum found parenting at a young age, giving up her career etc difficult. Also heard her speak about not liking babies, not feeling maternal etc. It did make me sad sometimes however at the end of the day I always knew she was doing her best and I appreciated that. Never would have ever wanted to exchange her for someone who was more naturally suited to parenting and definitely don't think I'd have been better off if she'd have left. Because, as someone else has said, the bond and attachment you have to your first caregiver is so strong. Also as you're genetically their mum you have the advantage that you'll have similar personality traits as they got older and can maybe enjoy shared hobbies or sense of humour.
I wonder if it would help if you could think of things you might enjoy when they're older? Like even tiny tiny things?
Genuinely wish you all the luck in the world xx

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