Any other people parenting together but separating?

[nomorequotes]

My husband and I are separating, it is not working between us at all.

I work 16hrs a week in the evenings and my plan is for him to babysit when I go off to work and if I am back at say 3am he will stay so that he can do the early morning shift with the children

We are separating our finances and he has a houseshare to move into on tuesday, he is sofa surfing until then.

I will be applying to tax credits and housing benefit as a single person and he will not be paying any of my bills.

I will pay the water rates, council tax, rent and other bills out of the money that I get.

I am hearing that there may be a problem with him staying overnight at the property or sharing dinners with us (though how they would know that is beyond me)

The biggest issue we have is that he will be absolutely skint for the first few weeks and so will really need to come and eat here for a few meals or he just isn't going to have any food.

is this a problem? In the long term, there is nothing really I can do about the short term.

an advice or people who are doing things similarly would be good to hear from. I can't live with this man anymore because we are not compatible as lovers, we are very much hoping to parent together though.

So he is informing the bank
tax credits
tv licensing
various bill companies
phone bill
tv people
his work

of the change in circumstances on Wednesday with his new address. We were just going to deal with anything else that came through the door for him as a new issue and get it sorted.

We are phoning the water people today to get that payment changed over into my name and we've already done the single persons claim.

I just dont want there to be any doubt he is still living here because he won't be.

anyone?

sorry to bump again but I really need some support on this

I don't have any advice sorry, but bump

Thanks, I thought I'd gone invisible then!

I think you should get advice from someone like the CAB as it is possible that tax credit people may feel he is still living with you . It sounds entirely reasonable to me but to them it might not. Are you going to claim anything else eg housing benefit? But take advice so you are certain. There may be something you can find out on their website as they will be closed until Tuesday

How is he still living here if he isn't paying any bills here or living here?

Surely the fact that he is living somewhere else is proof of him not living here?

I am pretty gobsmacked that my husband can have the amount of time he spends with his kids restricted and also that I might not be able to work!

I am going to have to talk to someone

Okay so having done some research it looks like

he should stay here a maximum of three times a week
he should be able to prove he is paying bills and rent at a different abode
he should be able to prove he cooks and eats at a different abode
he should be able to prove all his bills go to a different abode

and they can't really touch us, they can investigate but they can't suggest we are living together because they wont be. I would be pretty surprised if there was a law about a father babysitting for his own children so their mother could work.

What will happen when you or he find a new partner and they're not happy about him sleeping on your sofa?
And won't the kids be confused ?

Short term it may well work but I think you might find they will just have to go back to his house when you work as otherwise it's not really like you have separated and it may well be very confusing for the kids.

I sympathise as it took my ex a long time - 3 years to get suitable accommodation; that my ds actually had his own bedroom etc

Children adapt though, don't worry too much about looking like the two of you are separated as long as he has another address it should be fine

he can only afford a bedsit so any childcare will have to be here.

I don't think it will be confusing for the children to have their father here.

Anyway its looking like I will be doing 2 or 3 evenings a week so no worries about him being here too much.

How old are your dc ? How many are there ? as it may become hard for you having him in the house 2-3 nights a week

two little boys

if he doesn't stay I cannot work, that would make my life immeasurably more difficult.

They are his children, I don't understand why him babysitting for them would be such a big drama. He will be here from around 5.30 and I will leave straight for work, I will then get back in around 10 past midnight and he will be asleep. I will go to sleep, he gets up at six am and leaves and I will get up with the kids and do the school run.

Unless its the weekend, in which case he will probably chill with his children in the morning and we will all go out for the day/he will take the kids out.

its 2/3 nights a week, we are great friends we are just not sexually compatible and we have two children together. if anyone else gets involved (he gets a partner, can see her the 4/5 days a week he is not here) I get a partner I will not be seeing them at work anyway so it will make no difference.

I am sorry but we are a family, just because things aren't working between us and we cannot live together (if we had a spare room he would be staying) doesn't stop us being a family.

Yes it is difficult to maintain work and being a single parent. Good on you for trying to make things work

thanks, I can't not work, it would not be beneficial for the children and it would not be beneficial for me.

this way STBX gets to see the boys while I am out and other than days out together we can have our own separate lives.

I am feeling really quite depressed about it all this evening, I don't want him to go he is my best friend. But I don't love him romantically.

god what a mess.

Honestly once you get going and start the process, a year in and you won't look back. Not saying it won't be hard but you must have good reasons to even be thinking about it.

I never regretted it. I also worked and it is best for your mental health to keep going.

As my fil says "keep your pecker up" it took me a year to come to terms with what had happened but it did get easier as time when on

I hope so, I feel like I am splitting the family up for selfish reasons but I can't have sex with this man again, he has been dreadful to me and that culminated in him sexually abusing me on Thursday night, I can't let that happen again and he was so pig-headed about sex he wouldn't even talk to me about it. I've put up with his 'clumsy' ideas about sex for 10 years and now this...

I can't have him near me like that again, I can't trust him. So that's it, the marriage is over, unless I want to get to 50 and realise I haven't had sex for 20 years.

If that's the case are you sure you want him in the house ? That is not a selfish reason to split up at all.

Everyone deserves a fulfilling life and it includes your sex life too. Are you safe with him being in the house ? Does he take no for an answer ?

yes he takes no for an answer, he wouldn't try anything now

he is my best friend but he has just been so awful around sex, unable to speak about it and despite my pleas he has never bothered getting a connection with him.

But everything else is good, really good.

That's good, it's not a selfish reason at all it can lead to real resentment. Good luck with it all and try not to blame yourself, you are doing the best for your children being amicable with their father and that is a great thing

I really do just want to do what is best for them and help him feel still connected to us, we are off for a family day on friday and i am going to plan a trip to marwell zoo for us all later in june

Well I managed the night and feeling positive about the rest of the day.

It is a shame he can't have contact in his own space but that just isn't possible at the moment and probably won't be for some time.

I think a bit of space is what is best at the moment, I am afraid I am going to be lonely though so I am glad it is clear cut how much time he can spend here.

I've just separated out all of his clothes into bin-bags. He has made no effort to do so over the weekend and is instead cutting the front hedge and mowing the back garden. I feel like he is in denial.

I have separated his clothes and will do his paperwork tomorrow. Then its just moving him I suppose.

Sorry to bump this again.

Its really bloody tense here and he is doing things like trimming the hedge and so on which is awkward.

I am both really looking forward to Tuesday and really dreading it. He will be here for tea on Tuesday and then we won't see him at all on Wednesday as he moves into his new place at 7pm on Tuesday night.

after that I will see him for maybe 2 mins on Thursday night before going off to work til late and then we are off for a pre-booked family day on Friday.

I'll probably drop him off back at his place on Friday night because I am working Saturday night so he will need to be here then.

Then its another family day on Sunday down the local farm after which he will go to his new home and I will sort out the children for the week.

Its just such a big change for everyone and he is very mopey, I suppose that is understandable his whole life is changing. I've sorted him a sheet and a blanket and a pillow with fresh bedding for his new place and he is taking my amazing rare-never-to-be-bought-again stereo with him along with the TV (I never use it) and the talk talk box.

And that will be it, he will be gone.

I think it's entirely normal to feel apprehensive about such a big change. Are you sure he is totally on board with all of this? It almost sounds as if he is hoping that you will relent and let him stay at the last minute. I think your child care arrangements can work as long as you remain friends and you can trust him. It will probably become an issue as soon as one of you finds a new partner. A friend of ours also had her ex come and stay in her house to be with the kids (she would go to friends for a night or weekend) but she stopped it as he was going through her things and even hacked into her computer.