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Parenting

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Original poster

Any other people parenting together but separating?

45 replies

nomorequotes · 24/05/2014 12:55

My husband and I are separating, it is not working between us at all.

I work 16hrs a week in the evenings and my plan is for him to babysit when I go off to work and if I am back at say 3am he will stay so that he can do the early morning shift with the children

We are separating our finances and he has a houseshare to move into on tuesday, he is sofa surfing until then.

I will be applying to tax credits and housing benefit as a single person and he will not be paying any of my bills.

I will pay the water rates, council tax, rent and other bills out of the money that I get.

I am hearing that there may be a problem with him staying overnight at the property or sharing dinners with us (though how they would know that is beyond me)

The biggest issue we have is that he will be absolutely skint for the first few weeks and so will really need to come and eat here for a few meals or he just isn't going to have any food.

is this a problem? In the long term, there is nothing really I can do about the short term.

an advice or people who are doing things similarly would be good to hear from. I can't live with this man anymore because we are not compatible as lovers, we are very much hoping to parent together though.

OP posts:

SummerRain · 25/05/2014 18:33

I'm in an eerily similar situation atm, right down to the sexual incompatibility (although ExP hasn't moved out yet due to similar financial issues.

Like you my shifts are odd and it would be impossible to find childcare to work round them, dp is unemployed so in my mind it makes sense that he should be caring for them while I work.

It's incredibly difficult though, hopefully we both find a way to manage the complications

Original poster

nomorequotes · 25/05/2014 21:17

lasting he would have nothing to hack, we have always been open books to each other so everything is known about so far. I suppose that would change if one of us got a partner but I can't see myself with anyone for a long long time and I think he feels pretty similar.

shame really because if he went out and got laid lots he might learn a few tricks which would sort things out.

summer it does make sense for the person who cares for the children to be one of their parents, I am glad that he can spend time here with them without me being here all the time.

How do you guys get on? If we had a bigger house and another room with a bit more money coming in we would probably stay living together for the ease of it.

I do think he needs to find himself sexually and he needs to do that away from this relationship.

this is for the best, I have to keep telling myself that.

OP posts:

SummerRain · 26/05/2014 09:31

We get on ok, strained atm as the breakup came from me and he wanted to try again. I couldn't do it anymore though, I'm just not attracted to him anymore... 12 years of a bad relationship and terrible sex and I'm done trying.

Apart from the occasional threat to run off home to mommy (3 hours away) he's behaving though and pulling his weight while I work. I would like him to move out though, I need space away from him quite frankly.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting Relationship problems

Original poster

nomorequotes · 26/05/2014 09:44

i bet summer, the terrible sex is what has made me pull the plug on our relationship too and he knows that.

I am both nervous and happy for Tuesday to roll around so he goes.

I need space to think!

Woke up this morning with an enormous feeling of dread but I wouldn't be human if I didn't feel those things.

I need to keep telling myself that.

OP posts:

SummerRain · 26/05/2014 11:34

I don't know if it makes me a terrible person but I don't feel dread at all, just relief. I'm impatient for him to move out so I can have space tbh. I know I should feel more guilt or upset but this was a very long time coming for me so I think I've probably moved psst those feelings already. Now I'm just relieved I don't have to pander to him anymore (or sleep with someone I'm not attracted to anymore)

Original poster

nomorequotes · 26/05/2014 12:57

I know what you mean. I am very relieved that I don't have to have sex with him again, I still have it very firm in my memory how it felt to have him just being really rough with me during foreplay and not feeling like I could say a thing about it. I still remember pushing him off and feeling his cold fingers stuffed into me (why do men think that is a turn on? One is fine, two if your really turned on but really why do they think we want that?) pulling out quickly. I can still remember his body stiffening above me when I dared to tell him that I wasn't enjoying it.

It makes my stomach turn. I can't imagine ever putting myself through that again.

I need to keep remembering those things because being with him in a friend way is so nice, so easy.

not so easy when he is abusing me though. Yuk

OP posts:

CheeryName · 26/05/2014 13:03

OP it sounds horrendous. Would it be possible for you to go to Relate - on your own? - because this is something that is going to take time to get over and talking to someone might help.

FWIW I don't think you should do the family days. Don't give your children the message that you and Ex are a pair.

Good luck.

SummerRain · 26/05/2014 13:24

With ex it was always short, always over when he was done, I was just a sex aid to him... What I liked or wanted was immaterial. I miss good sex I used to really enjoy sex but with him I'd become almost frigid, never wanted because it was never good... Often humiliating and awful. So glad I never have to do that again.

It's strange how someone can be such a good friend but a terrible partner isn't it?

StrawberryDaiquiriPlease · 26/05/2014 13:34

It sounds like you're being really reasonable and it sounds like you could explain yourself very well - no one would think you should get a babysitter when the father is available, sounds good. Good luck.

Original poster

nomorequotes · 26/05/2014 13:39

summer I feel exactly the same
I long for those long sex sessions I had with past partners, the asking each other if they liked it, the verbal cues, the freedom of expression, the bottles of wine and other things I used to really, really enjoy sex and be really good at it. I have lost control of my body and my sense of style, the ebbing of my self-confidence have destroyed me. I am not quickly looking for another sexual partner, in fact I am looking for a cross-trainer because I am going to work out as many nights a week as possible to get my body back to something i am really happy with.

summer I'm going to message you because I think it would be great to stay in touch, hard to find someone in the same position I am x

OP posts:

SummerRain · 26/05/2014 15:03

I have lost control of my body and my sense of style, the ebbing of my self-confidence have destroyed me

Yep, exactly how I feel. I had gotten to the point of purposefully neglecting my appearance in the hope he'd stop being attracted to me.

Definitely message me, our situation is unusual enough, it would be nice to chat to someone who's going through the same

MummyNellie123 · 26/05/2014 20:40

sorry just seen this

good luck nomorequotes....stay strong, I have two lovely DSs too and I know its hard with kids, but keep moving, keep looking fwd and before u know it this will be behind u and u and your boys will be living happily without this man on your sofa

Stay strong x

Original poster

nomorequotes · 26/05/2014 20:42

Thank you, last night of him here tonight. He is keen to move now I think and get settled somewhere else. I am look forward to replacing him with a cross-trainer and getting my body back to how I want it.

I am a caring and intelligent woman, I deserve to be loved in a considerate and open way. I think I will be working at it for a few years but I am sure I will look back on this in future and be glad it is the decision I have made.

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Original poster

nomorequotes · 27/05/2014 17:30

Well he has come home from work in a foul mood. its obviously hit home for him that this is happening and he will have to start adjusting.

He has put a few things in boxes and generally stomped about.

I think he expected me to just backtrack and now he can see that isn't happening.

The kids are young enough to not notice the massive change I hope.

OP posts:

LastingLight · 27/05/2014 17:58

Your kids will feel the emotional atmosphere even if they might not understand exactly what is happening. Be very kind to them and to yourself.

Original poster

nomorequotes · 27/05/2014 19:21

Sigh, the room was a no-go. Back to the drawing board.

OP posts:

Original poster

nomorequotes · 28/05/2014 18:20

Looking at a double room tomorrow, taking the day off work to do so which is positive. He is here in the morning but I am taking the boys to nursery and then will be meeting with various friends.

I am then working tomorrow night and he will hopefully have his own place to go back to in the evening. It is just around the corner so perfect.

OP posts:

LastingLight · 28/05/2014 18:21

I hope it works out well for you.

Original poster

nomorequotes · 28/05/2014 18:56

Thank you, the thought of him having his own place tomorrow is a nice one.

I do want him to stay close though, for emergencies and if the boys miss him.

OP posts:

Original poster

nomorequotes · 29/05/2014 11:09

He's done it, he has found a room! Such good news, I am just going to take his bits round to him (they are already packed in the car) and thats him in!

Very pleased... Really quite chuffed about it which I think highlights this being the best decision for us all.

OP posts:

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