Possessive mum...

[tertle]

I posted about this issue during my pregnancy and unfortunately the situation hasn't really improved... My daughter is 9 weeks old and I'm super possessive over her when it comes to my in-laws. I'm at the stage where I don't want PILs to see DD or hold her or anything - which I know is totally unfair and ridiculous. DD is their first grandchild and they are understandably very excited. However I am finding it hard to let them in and keep them at arm's length as much as I can. Which I know isn't fair on them, or DD.

To set the scene, my MIL is a nice enough lady but we are not close at all. We are respectful of each other but I wouldn't ever go out of my to call her to chat or anything. We don't have anything in common and she has no interest in me as a person - I'm just her son's wife and the mother of her granddaughter. She is very much 'blood ties only' and I am often treated as the outsider. For example when DH and I got married she sent 'us' a CD of photos and wrote on it 'DH's wedding' (no mention of my name) and out of the 100 photos there were only 4 of me (yes I did count!).

She makes a lot of comments which set me really on edge, even though I know they are probably innocent enough when I think about them rationally. For example, when DD was born, PILs arrived at the clinic within 24 hours (EMCS) and the first thing MIL said was, 'it's OK, we'll take care of her now' before turning her back to me with DD in her arms. They then took hundreds of photos of DD in everyone's arms but mine. She has also said 'she's the daughter I never had' and when I sent a photo of DD a couple of weeks ago, MIL replied to say 'watch out that I don't steal her away from you!'.

PILs live 500 miles away so we aren't used to seeing them that often (only about twice a year before DD was born) but now they want to visit every month and want us to go to theirs all the time so they can look after DD. They are coming this weekend and I'm filled with dread about it. MIL said yesterday that she wants to do everything for DD when she's here and I am already bristling, thinking 'no way!'. I also find myself daydreaming that their flight will be cancelled and they won't be able to come - which I know is mean and totally unreasonable!

I think a lot of my feelings come from a lack of confidence in myself, I am constantly worried that I'm not a good enough mum to DD and that MIL wants to take over my role as mummy. DH is very protective over his mother, even though they aren't very close, so I find it really hard to talk to him about this and it's even harder for me to broach the subject with MIL and explain how I feel.

Sorry this is so long. I don't want this thread to turn into a MIL bashing but if anyone has had similar feelings and advice of how to deal with them I'd be really grateful.

I can see why you're concerned, dd is very small and your MIL has made numerous insensitive comments. Remember that MIL can't replace you - as time goes on you'll feel more confident about this. If you really can't talk to your dh to have a quiet word with his mum, you have to pick MIL up on her comments at the time they're said: when you say x (I want to do all with dd/she's my dd etc) it makes me feel y (insecure and undervalued). These snide remarks only work when they aren't called out. You do have control, stand up for your feelings. It's up to her to make you feel included, not excluded.

You don't mention your own mum. What is your relationship now. What is she like with baby? Is it her first grandchild too?

I think this is more about your lack of confidence than your MiL. It sounds to me like she is just an extreme version of a doting mother/grandmother and there is nothing wrong in that.

I suspect she thinks she is helping by offering to 'do everything' for you when she's over. She wants to give you a break, it isn't a reflection on your mothering skills. Likewise with the "steal her" comment, that seems just her way of sayings that your daughter is wonderful.

Please don't stop your in laws from being doting grandparents :-(

Talk to your health visitor about how you are feeling. You are a brilliant mother and do not need to feel threatened, you just need to believe that.

That's a really hard one. I can see why you are feeling the way you are. I have a 10 week old and those comments would also get my back up, but I would just try and brush them off and get on with things really.

There is a fine line between interfering abs helping on your MILs side, versus a fine line on your side between standing your ground and letting them in a bit.

It sounds like at the moment you are all stuck at her being interfering and you being (understandably) defensive.

Perhaps if you can give a little she will demand less? So say perhaps you let them hold DD more but then ask specifically for help whilst they're up? "Oh MIL I'm so pleased you're here, I could really do with some help with X, y, z" etc?

Whilst this is happening I would be making sure that MIL wasn't dominating abs doing everything for DD.

It sounds like a challenge but I think it's doable. At the end of the day this is a new time for all of you so if you set the scene right now then it will set you up better in the long run.

Good luck, and congrats on the new baby!

Given her behaviour before the baby was even born, I'm not surprised that you feel very wary of her.

I was going to say 'Get DH to tell her to back off' but if he sides with her, then I think you'll have to fight your own corner to some extent. Which is tricky when you have a small baby and are doubtless still getting over the birth, hormones, and everything else.

How often do you think is sensible/practical/bearable to see them? I'd feel suffocated seeing family even as much as every month, but that's just me. If you are at theirs every month and they expect you to come to them in between, that sounds like you can't have many weekends to yourselves. I'd sit DH down and say you need time to be just the three of you, and limit visits. And you haven't even mentioned your side of the family - do they even get a look-in? They need to be factored in as well.

Then I'd pick a phrase for when she tries to 'take over', polite if you can manage it. "Thanks but taking care of her is my job. Grandparents are for extra cuddles." served up with a smile might work, but use your imagination and knowledge of her.

And talk to your husband about feeling uncomfortable and 'pushed out' when she visits. He should be supporting you to grow in confidence, not undermining you. I have no doubt you're being a good mummy to her, and she won't be in any doubt who her mum is no matter what granny does.

Oh and do pick things for her to do. Not 'everything' obviously, but it will be tricky if you never let her do any of it. So, maybe you could pick out parts of your day where you let her do it? If you are proactive in this, it will be easier to say 'No thanks, I've got it' at other times, whereas it can look like you are being overly possessive if you never let go. Just choose which things you are least unhappy about letting her cover for you.

Good advice here! I agree that I need to be a bit more assertive with MiL instead of seething for an eternity afterwards. I do want them to play a role in DD's life so I really want to make our relationship better for my sake as much as anyone else's - it's horrible feeling like I do about when when I know deep down they are perfectly nice people.

Amum that's a great idea. Will definitely try to ask her to do certain things so she feels like helping and I don't feel like she's totally taking over. Have already decided that when they arrive on Friday I will have a bath and a nap and they can look after DD.

As for my family...My mum died last year so DD only has one GM. And although my dad loves DD, he is very busy whereas MIL is retired and doesn't do any activities so has more time to 'obsess' over DD (meant in the nicest possible way!). I think my mum dying has an obvious effect on my feelings. My mum and I were best friends and I want DD to have the same relationship with me as I did with her so am therefore putting on the pressure to be 'the best mum' iyswim...

So sorry to hear about your mum, no wonder you're struggling with confidence a bit. It will get better, maybe your MIL is at the back of her mind, trying to compensate a bit. Good luck with the directed activities!

Thanks Gen. I really do hope that things get better. Although we aren't close and I am upset by her comments I definitely don't want to begrudge DD a relationship with the only GM she has. It's just so hard at the moment, my emotions are all over the place and whilst half of my brain keeps saying 'DD is lucky to have such a doting GM' the other half keeps saying 'back off MIL'. But as I said, I want to try to get over this because I want to be a good mum and that means being less possessive over DD (and getting my confidence up).

I felt very similar when I had ds... Very prickly over comments from dm ('I can't wait until he can come to France for a month on his own with us!' um... Well can I just get him home first please?! Ps that'll be never)

I think people just get keen, esp with the first grandchild, and women in particular find it hard to hold back. My own mum, when talking to ds, automatically referred to herself as mummy God knows how many times before she got the hang of it, peed me right off.

If you can find a couple of sentences that you've got ready for any problem moments, eg 'yes of course mummy's here' when they grizzle, to be accompanied by sweeping out of her arms, or 'we've decided that we're xxx' to combat ott gp decision making and present a united front, it might help.

Also, as other pp have said, very soon it won't matter what she does, or how often you see them, you'll be the only one called for, reached for, and wanted for cuddles. Ds is 7 months and I feel secretly proud that there are (frequent) times when no one else will do.

Finally, could they Skype? Simple and effective way of seeing each other often (weekly?) without the hassle.

I don't think your MIL has been terribly sensitive, I hope it's just because she isn't a terribly sensitive person in general, it will get easier to let go, especially after the first year and when all the tantrums kick in - you might be glad they're close then! Dd went through a delightful phase of slapping me almost every time she saw me at 18 mos!

Totally normal to feel possessive of your baby, it's mummy's instinct, I certainly found I was really anxious and doubted myself those first weeks of being a new mum.

Remind yourself that MiL can cuddle your baby when she visits but only you are mummy and that's special and your baby knows that. Use feeds/sleeps as an excuse to get her back and hopefully your husband will recognise your anxiety and put baby back in your arms.

The feelings will ease and your confidence will grow. I second idea of giving MiL jobs to 'help' so she has a role.

I'm sorry your mum is no longer here to enjoy her grandchild too. I think your feelings are understandable, but it's early days and you'll probably find that things calm down as your dd gets older.
My mil is lovely but was also a bit ott when dd was a baby - she was upset that we weren't bottle feeding as it meant she couldn't do bottles, and insisted on trying to spoon feed dd when we were doing baby-led weaning. She complained that dd was too attached to me as she wanted to take her out al

Oops alone (dd bless her screamed hysterically if out of touching distance from me for quite a long time).

Something that really helped me and mil bond a bit was getting her to talk about when dp was a baby. She seemed to have a bit more empathy after that and I saw her in a slightly different light (it was like we sort of realised we had more in common than we thought).

Try to keep the long term view, things will calm down, and when dd is an exhausting tantrumming toddler mil might not be do keen to do everything!

Some more good advice here, thank you. Is this a French thing mustard as my PILs are French...?! I've had the whole 'we can't wait for her to spend the whole summer at ours' comments too.

DIY how old is your DD now? Have things calmed down a lot ?

Yes I hope that DH will help and give DD back to me when I feel a bit 'excluded' as this is something that did not happen at all last time we saw them.

I do know how you feel. We are staying with the mil at the moment and I feel pushed out too. Mil keeps saying how much like her DD looks (not at all in all honesty) and keeps saying she is like het daughters. She brushes over it quickly if i say that dd is like a member of my family. Mil keeps trying to force her way with how I raise DD (she hates my sling and thinks DD should start weening at 3 months.) She also calls DD asbo as a pet name... urgh

I understand how hard it is, I cope by keeping things on my terms. I hand DD over when I don't mind the mil helping or say 'ive got this' if I'm not'.

Make sure you communicate very clearly but positively about the plans and routines you have in your head.

Say things like "I'm sure she'd love it if you gave her a bath then I will take her for a quiet feed and put her to bed" or "She's getting a bit grizzly so I'll give her a cuddle to settle her and, after she's had a nap, would you like to take her for a little walk?"

That lets MIL know that she's very welcome to be involved but there are still some bits that you would prefer to do yourself.

If MIL doesn't hand her over willingly after the bath, ask her to do something like make your FIL a coffee so she has a reason to leave you to it without you having to be too confrontational.

Are you breast feeding? If so that is your get out of jail card.

Goodness I feel for you Panto. It must be so hard being surrounded by those kind of comments 24/7. Good advice about having an agenda and trying to keep things on my terms. And yes I am breastfeeding so will be able to get some time alone with dd at some point in the weekend! I think with her involvement with DD I wish she would just ask. When she rang me the other day she just told me that she'd be putting dd to bed etc. and don't get me started on the forcing of champagne into DD's two day old mouth. It would make me feel so much more confident in myself as a mum if she would just say 'oh tertle, i'd love to give dd a bath, would you mind?' I'd be more than happy hand DD over.

When she rang me the other day she just told me that she'd be putting dd to bed etc.

You need to tell her straight that you will be putting her to bed if that's important to you.

I recognise a lot of what you're feeling, although I felt it most acutely with my eldest and he's almost 8 now.
My mum died 3 years before I had ds1, and it felt like my grief came back quite significantly when I became a mum myself. Compounded with a mil who could not help herself from behaving like he was her own baby, it made for a lot of frustration on my part.
Two things helped me turn the corner: one was my late fil telling me that there was infinite space in a child's life for people who love them (this had a massive impact on me and helped me to see their presence as a positive thing), and the other was learning how to speak up at the time when something was said or done, rather than seething inwardly and thinking if what I should have said afterwards. For example, one day when she was due to look after him, his mouth had been bleeding in the morning, so I'd asked her to only give him soft foods. Later, when she brought him back, she mentioned his mouth had bled again while he was chewing on crusty bread. I paused and thought about how angry I was and visualised myself telling dh about it later. Then I opened my mouth and calmly said, I'm cross about that because I asked you not to do that. She apologised, said she'd forgotten, which was of course true because it wasn't actually very important, and that was that. But it was the first time I just expressed how I felt instead of bottling it up, and she saw that I was in charge and wasn't going to just let her walk all over me. We now have what I would describe as a very honest relationship. We don't have much in common, but we respect and like each other. I still never phone her for a chat, but I appreciate what a brilliant granny she is.

I know exactly what you mean as I felt the same and still do a bit but it's getting easier. To be honest, my PIL aren't even as bad as yours sound ( with the comments etc) and I still was annoyed and upset by all they said and done and dreaded them visiting so much that I got really anxious over it. My DD is 6 months almost and it gets easier so i put a lot down to hormones and tiredness and as others say, you do come to realise that you are doing a good job and baby needs you like no one else and will always c

Sorry! Will always be your child, no matter what people say.....

You do have to learn to smile and nod a bit but it will get better, maybe it is to do with not having your mum around? ) sorry to hear that your mum passed away ) my mum is still around but she isn't able to be there for me like a 'normal' mum as she has mental health problems and although loves DD and will do anything I ask she just isn't able to support me or be there like all my friends mums are. Maybe that's why we feel the way we do about PIL? Maybe not, just a thought anyway largely down to hormones I really think as I'm ale to cope with them more now and not stress so much. It is hard when you go from 2 times a year visit to monthly as that's what happened to us. Congrats on your baby and you are doing a fab job I'm sure so just be confident that your the only mother your DD had and needs but also for your DD sake, turns out it is lovely for them to have family (as I realised I used to enjoy both grandparent visits as a child)

Sorry to hear about your mum diddle. I agree that becoming a mum myself, without my own around, was extremely tough. I will definitely try to say something next time MiL makes one of her insensitive comments or tries to mother DD. As you are also right that DD is lucky to have people who love her, not every child is that fortunate.

Choco I am relieved to hear I'm not the only one who has experienced having a knot in their stomach when they think about an impending visit from from the PILs. Am sorry to hear about your mum too. I do think it is hard seeing friends who have lots of support from their own mums. I live abroad and lots of new mums that I know are not from the city/country where we live and they all have their mums over for weeks to help them with their new babies. That makes me feel quite alone but then also very independent and therefore not in need of PILs' help.

Am am happy to hear that things should improve once DD gets bigger. And I feel a bit more confident about this weekend; have some good strategies to cope! thanks to everyone

I think with most people, if you politely assert yourself - "Thanks for the offer, but I think it's better if I'm the one putting her to bed, as she's settling into a nice routine (or, as she's not got into a good routine yet, works either way...). Would you like to give her a bath first though?" - they will be fine about it.

A lot of people are just not very sensitive to what you want, and will assume if you aren't saying anything, then there isn't a problem. Others, know perfectly well that they're trying to walk all over you, but if you make an effort to resist they'll back off.

That leaves the ones who are either so insensitive, so controlling, or so self-centred that they carry on regardless. But, at least if you are making every appearance of having things in control, and making reasonable offers for her to be involved, then she is the one who looks like she's being difficult, not you, and you can get DH or FIL to agree that you aren't being awkward.