Possessive mum...

[tertle]

I posted about this issue during my pregnancy and unfortunately the situation hasn't really improved... My daughter is 9 weeks old and I'm super possessive over her when it comes to my in-laws. I'm at the stage where I don't want PILs to see DD or hold her or anything - which I know is totally unfair and ridiculous. DD is their first grandchild and they are understandably very excited. However I am finding it hard to let them in and keep them at arm's length as much as I can. Which I know isn't fair on them, or DD.

To set the scene, my MIL is a nice enough lady but we are not close at all. We are respectful of each other but I wouldn't ever go out of my to call her to chat or anything. We don't have anything in common and she has no interest in me as a person - I'm just her son's wife and the mother of her granddaughter. She is very much 'blood ties only' and I am often treated as the outsider. For example when DH and I got married she sent 'us' a CD of photos and wrote on it 'DH's wedding' (no mention of my name) and out of the 100 photos there were only 4 of me (yes I did count!).

She makes a lot of comments which set me really on edge, even though I know they are probably innocent enough when I think about them rationally. For example, when DD was born, PILs arrived at the clinic within 24 hours (EMCS) and the first thing MIL said was, 'it's OK, we'll take care of her now' before turning her back to me with DD in her arms. They then took hundreds of photos of DD in everyone's arms but mine. She has also said 'she's the daughter I never had' and when I sent a photo of DD a couple of weeks ago, MIL replied to say 'watch out that I don't steal her away from you!'.

PILs live 500 miles away so we aren't used to seeing them that often (only about twice a year before DD was born) but now they want to visit every month and want us to go to theirs all the time so they can look after DD. They are coming this weekend and I'm filled with dread about it. MIL said yesterday that she wants to do everything for DD when she's here and I am already bristling, thinking 'no way!'. I also find myself daydreaming that their flight will be cancelled and they won't be able to come - which I know is mean and totally unreasonable!

I think a lot of my feelings come from a lack of confidence in myself, I am constantly worried that I'm not a good enough mum to DD and that MIL wants to take over my role as mummy. DH is very protective over his mother, even though they aren't very close, so I find it really hard to talk to him about this and it's even harder for me to broach the subject with MIL and explain how I feel.

Sorry this is so long. I don't want this thread to turn into a MIL bashing but if anyone has had similar feelings and advice of how to deal with them I'd be really grateful.

I have no experience with MILs but i was my mother's PFB and she had a really tough time. Little support from my dad, her own mother had recently died and I was a rather nightmare baby. She remembers my first few months with horror! She would have done anything for an extra pair of hands (or that's how she remembers it).

Fast forward to my PFB and I think she wanted to do anything she could to help me avoid feeling like she had done. Her way of doing that was to try and take over everything (particularly as I'd had an unplanned caesarian) and do everything for me. She'd had experience of 3 babies, I'd had none. Why on earth would I have a problem with it?! I reacted just like you and was completely suffocated. I absolutely dreaded her visits - they made me feel like a child again.

We got past it but it took time and only really improved once I had more confidence. It was completely different with my second - she had backed off a bit and I knew what I was doing - we were both coming from different places.

The arrival of a baby is such a special time and I think everyone remembers how they felt - the good and the bad. Perhaps - for the best reasons - some people want to help in the way that would have suited them best without considering that everyone is different.

Having said that, your MIL does sound highly dismissive of you and that would grate on me too.

Re the French thing - yes! I have a number of French friends and it seems very much the norm!

Am now practising assertive but polite lines in my head for tomorrow. Hopefully it'll be ok. alwaysregret that's a very valid point, my mil is quite unable to see things from others points of view, she thinks that just because she loves babies and is the doting GM that I should be happy, without ever considering how her actions may make me feel. Hopefully I'll be able to get her thinking by sticking up for myself whilst remaining polite and confident in my own actions. Will update!

Good luck.

Maybe you should write them down on a piece of paper in your bedroom so you can refer back to them just before putting your foot down

Sounds difficult, as while your MIL may be well-intentioned and it is nice that she dotes on your dd, she is certainly overstepping the mark and being insensitive to your needs. I don't know how much may be nationality and how much generational - I do think we have much more and better advice nowadays on parenting and I hope there would be fewer people of our generation who turn into overly-pushy GMs.

I just wanted to reiterate what someone mentioned above - she cannot replace you. You are dd's mother, and the centre of her little world. Keep reminding yourself of that when MIL is holding her and you are gritting your teeth and feeling on edge. I would try to think of ways to channel MIL's over-eagerness to get involved. Believe me, as someone with no family support for my dc's, her keenness to help may prove very useful at times in the future, when you really do need a hand or a break, or you and dh want a night or a weekend away. Try not to fight her at every turn, but to have a think in advance about what you would feel comfortable with her doing right now, and what you wouldn't like. I personally would say, "Oh sorry, I'd rather do her bedtimes right now, but would you mind helping me with her bath / having a cuddle while I do some jobs" / anything else you wouldn't mind overly much for her to do.

I would also decide what is not appropriate for her to do. For me, that would be bedtime, her trying to put any form of food or drink into her mouth (I'm a GP and not even going to express my horror at her trying to get your dd to taste champagne as a newborn - I suspect it matches yours), and hanging onto her when she is crying and obviously needs mummy or daddy. Perhaps you could have a word with your dh in advance so that if this situation arises, he could swoop in with a "daddy needs a cuddle now!" rather than it being you who is constantly taking dd away from MIL and potentially risking tension between the two of you.

I hope it goes well for you this weekend - keep reminding yourself that at least they don't live just down the road, it's only for a couple of days and then they'll be gone, and while you might want to throttle her, you probably will be able to take advantage of her enthusiasm to be involved in the future. All the best!

tertle, you are a tiny way along a very long path of being a parent - if you could see your future, you would see the incredible attachment your daughter will have for you. I have a 2 year old and there is literally nobody else that compares to me in his eyes! He adores his daddy, his gran, his childminder - all of whom he sees a lot more than your MIL will see your daughter - but the constant refrain from him is MUMMY MUMMY - all day long! Nobody else gets a look in.

I had no idea what it would be like to be loved and obsessed over like your child will love and obsess over you - it's amazing, and please take the pressure off yourself in terms of building a bond between you and your daughter, you have a lifetime, nobody can get between you and her however much they interfere!

Your MIL sounds like a pain in the arse, but you have to deal with her, so better to find a way to be zen about it - remember it won't hurt the bond you are building with your baby if MIL holds her or looks after her, and as time passes you will become more confident in just saying no when people do things you don't want.

I remember my very lovely MIL holding my crying son away from me as I tried to take him - she really thought she was helping as she just wanted to give me a break so I could eat my dinner! But It drove me into a fury! I snatched him and went and cried with him in my room and then asked her never to do that again.

I agree with the advice of being pro active - that will take the heat off the whole thing - greet her and pass the baby over, say you are looking forward to seeing her bond with granny etc - if you can be relaxed on your terms, it will mean she can't complain when you do put your foot down!

good luck - whether or not your husband likes it, I also think you need to calmly explain your feelings to him.

Quick update: it wasn't as bad as I imagined, thankfully! I remembered all of your good advice and was able to let PILs do certain things with DD (playing, cuddles, bathtime) but was strict that other things such as bedtime were mine and DH's responsibility. They were pretty respectful which was good. And I decided to answer back to some of MIL's insensitive comments, like when she said she was 'scared' because DD cried in the night - I calmly asked her why and she couldn't answer. And, it's true what you all say. DD does have a stronger bond with DH and me - I just hadn't realised it before! I felt so much more confident once I could see that.

Still didn't stop PILs being annoying and insensitive (another 1000 photos but not one of me) but I feel stronger and more confident in my role as a mum now. Doesn't mean I'm not dreading their next visit but I now have some coping strategies. Thanks again to all.

It must be incredibly hard not having your own mum around!! I have a similar situation but unfortunately in my case it is my own mother who is being like this!

My mum has snatched my dd out of my arms, taken the pushchair and walked off without telling me when I had let go for a second to pick something up in a shop and then she couldn't see why I went into panic meltdown! it drives me insane!! She refers to herself as mummy and then implies it was a Freudian slip if I correct her. She has tried to get me to leave dd with her since day 1, she thinks as I formula fed that it was ok. Dd still hasn't spent the night and I have no plans to allow it.

I have taken to staying the hell out of her way. I rarely go to hers unless I need my dad for something and although I live 6 miles away she never comes to mine.

It has very much soured my relationship with her and whilst I would never deny her a relationship with dd I certainly won't be encouraging it!

My mil (well dp's mum) was the complete opposite but dd is the 9th grandchild on her side and 1st on my mum's. For the 9 weeks she lived after dd was born she was amazing!! She was dying in hospital so couldn't do bathtimes etc but I am so glad I ff so that she could feed her even if just for a few mins.

Dd is 9 months old and mum is still a pia but is getting better slowly!! Just be firm and stand up for yourself!!!

A brilliant update op, well done!

So glad to read your update.

Same feelings and situation here post dd1's birth, they have never taken one photo of me with my children I don't think. Certainly no family shots of us on display - just photos of the dds.

I tried hard in the first few weeks to include her but she always insisted things were on her terms or not at all so I stopped. 4 years down the line things are better in that I don't do anything I don't want to and we 'use' them for looking after the dds when we want to go somewhere without them.

I've made my peace but not in a very nice way. Over the four years I've tried and been shown only shit behaviour in return.

So, in my experience it doesn't get better in terms of the mils behaviour but in how you learn to deal with it. As little time as possible with her when she's with my children is he answer for me.

Just seen update - good work!

I'm glad it went well - did I read it right that she gave your daughter champagne at 2 days old though? Or did I dream that part of your post?!

pomme, I definitely think leaving mil to it with dd is a good idea although it's a bit too soon for that for me. Sorry to hear your situation hasn't improved but at least you're dealing with it on your terms.

Yes, jelly, she did indeed give dd a spoonful champagne at 2 days old and said I was 'uptight' when I was upset about it (not directly but she managed in a roundabout way). Apparently it means dd will have a long and prosperous life and as she'd done it to her sons, she was not going to accept not doing it to her granddaughter . It was horrible and dd screamed her head off. Needless to say I have vowed that any future babies will NOT be having champagne.

However re: the champagne, I'm going to forget it because it's done now but just remember how I felt and try not to let a similar thing happen again. And now relax as the weekend was ok and it's all over now!

Regarding them not taking photos with you in them, it will come back and bite them.
My girls have both wondered aloud at MIL's why I am not in the piccys, I just stay quiet laughing hysterically inside as they try to come up with reasons!