Making 'the' choice

[Anonnemouse]

This may well be in the wrong place, so apologies if it is. There seems to be lots of pregnancy / conception / being a parent etc sub-forums, but no "thinking about becoming a parent" as it were.

My partner and I have been together for 8 years, and are getting married early next year. We're both late twenties, and until recently we've both been quite firm in our stance that we're quite satisfied with our lives without children.

However... maybe it's just a part of 'growing up' as it were, but we both seem to be much more conscious that we're getting a bit older, and the decision needs to be made really. Which is interesting in itself, as previously there was not even a decision to be made. Neither of us are pushing for it, but we have talked about it and neither of us are sure any more of what we want.

My partner has always been quite happy that she'd prefer the freedom of the child free life. Her own family past was quite complicated and she's not particularly maternal with other people's children etc, however she's now at the point where she feels it's a choice that she needs to consider.

Both of us agree that if we were going to become parents, really we'd like to do it around the ago of 30. 30-35 is the age range we've identified that would be ideal from a point of view where we still have a few years to get our own priorities and goals in order, but we also wouldn't end up being 50-odd year old parents with teenagers either.

It's not a decision that needs to be made instantly, far from it, but whereas previously it was a given we wouldn't, we suddenly both find ourselves considering parenthood. We've discussed logistics, she would prefer to continue working, and I would be quite happy to reduce my hours / go part-time and be a house husband / dad.

I guess the question that's on my mind is, how / when do you know? It seems (and is obviously) a huge decision to make, there's no going back as it were. I think the best way I can sum it up is that previously I had no maternal thoughts at all, and now I'm conscious that I might end up too old to take the jump, and miss out on something amazing. Do you just wake up one day and realise it's for you? That sounds daft but similarly I never really expected to be considering it.

waaaaah

For us it was a biological urge, for me particularly but for DH too.

Mind you I was early 30s before I felt it. Didn't feel it late 20s.

As Fraulein Maria says to Liesl, "Darling 16 going on 17, wait, a year, or two!"

OP,

You can't really know what it's going to be like, you may as well stop trying to work it out in advance. I mean people can tell you about it, you can try and imagine, but you just can't know in advance. I don't mean to be disparaging about people who don't or can't have children, far from it, but I do believe it is a kind of Rubicon which develops and forges you massively as a person. There is before kids and then there is after kids. Its almost a changed state.

To decide to have kids, you have to make peace with the unknowable and uncontrollable. In this respect, it is actually good preparation for having children itself, which involves a lot of having manage uncertainty and anxiety about that which you can not really know or make certain.

You can't know from this side of the Rubicon what it is like to subrogate your life and your needs to your child's (for this, ultimately, is what happens). You can't know what a responsibility that is, or how much you care about it. It will also bring up all sorts of things from your own experience of your own parents, good, and bad. You can't yet know how exhausting it is, how relentless, what a slog and how blooming much you have to step up to the plate and make a go of it.

On the other hand, neither can you know the adoration and depth of love you would have for your child, so much so that you would rather die than have them die. You can't know either how much joy they can bring, and how fantastic and fascinating it is to bring up a new person and watch them develop and flourish.

All I know is, there is only a very very very TINY percentage of people who genuinely wish they hadn't had their child. Most people talk about the challenges and the slog, but they wouldn't change things for the world.

Good luck

This thread is really interesting.

OP, I am at exactly the same age & stage as you, always fairly sure I don't want children but as I get to my late 20s, my feelings are changing but are still not clear enough for me to make a decision :(

It just seems such a risk to take, in case bringing up a child is not fulfilling and I don't like it. It's the only situation where you can't change your mind.

I don't know what to do. I like my life the way it is, but when I imagine DP and I in 20 years time, it would be with late teenage or adult offspring in the picture. I don't see us rattling around on our own somehow.

Thanks to everyone who has posted their own thoughts & experiences. I know childless & child free people are regularly questioned as to why they read MN, but this for me is the main reason why... the learning is very useful!

I always think when deciding to have kids or not it's not so much about if you should or shouldn't but if it's in your heart that you want them regardless of your life situation. I often think people have kids when they realise there will never be a right time and it's something you just have to get on with and take things in life as they come as there is no point imagining any future that's not written.

Urgh, it's an agonising decision, I remember it well. I never liked children, let alone experienced any maternal thoughts or broodiness. I reached 35 and realised the door was starting to close, and felt we needed to make a decision one way or the other. I actually felt quite annoyed about it - I wished we had another ten years to faff around and enjoy ourselves and not have to think about it.

In the end after lots of soul searching, I realised that whilst babies terrified me didn't appeal, I could imagine taking an older child to museums, and travelling with them, and teaching them about the wonders of the world. I rather liked the idea of adult children.

Two dcs on, I'm still quite ambivalent about babies. They are a grind, with not much reward, quite frankly. But very quickly they turn into funny, charming and wonderful little people, and now the thing that I find truly terrifying is how close I came to not having them at all.

Rhubarbgarden that is a very sweet thing to say - how truly terrifying how close you came to not having them. I agree

I didn't want children in my twenties, spent ages agonising in my early 30's then decided to go for it and had DD at 36. She is now a young toddler. I'm not a maternal person and still am awkward around other people's kids, but it is so true that it is different when they are your own.

I won't lie, I found the baby stage incredibly tough as DD was a 'high needs baby'. I did spend a lot of time struggling and thinking 'what have I done?' But at the same time no way would I wanted life without DD. Now as she gets older I know children was the right thing for me, and as I consider having another I wish I'd started this children thing in my early 30's, but hindsight is 20\20.

Deciding to have kids is a giant leap into the unknown, and a different experience for each and every person. My thoughts would be if you are seriously considering children then the chances are you going to decide to go for it at sometime. Use this time to enjoy yourself and save loads because we've never been so broke and it's only gonna get more expensive!

I always said I wouldn't have children but then someone asked me to imagine myself on my deathbed - who would be sitting beside me and I said immediately "my children". It actually felt like a gut response rather than a socially conditioned one. I can't say we ever felt a "now we are ready" moment but I guess it was a culmination of lots of things particularly the realisation of the importance of family after losing family members.

Only you can make the decision of whether it's right for you or not. All I can say from this side of the fence is that you won't know what's hit you if you do have a child - life is no longer a contented stroll, it becomes extreme highs and lows. It's not something you will regret but it changes your life more than you can imagine. Good luck with your decision and remember to be honest with yourself and each other. Always.