Making 'the' choice

[Anonnemouse]

This may well be in the wrong place, so apologies if it is. There seems to be lots of pregnancy / conception / being a parent etc sub-forums, but no "thinking about becoming a parent" as it were.

My partner and I have been together for 8 years, and are getting married early next year. We're both late twenties, and until recently we've both been quite firm in our stance that we're quite satisfied with our lives without children.

However... maybe it's just a part of 'growing up' as it were, but we both seem to be much more conscious that we're getting a bit older, and the decision needs to be made really. Which is interesting in itself, as previously there was not even a decision to be made. Neither of us are pushing for it, but we have talked about it and neither of us are sure any more of what we want.

My partner has always been quite happy that she'd prefer the freedom of the child free life. Her own family past was quite complicated and she's not particularly maternal with other people's children etc, however she's now at the point where she feels it's a choice that she needs to consider.

Both of us agree that if we were going to become parents, really we'd like to do it around the ago of 30. 30-35 is the age range we've identified that would be ideal from a point of view where we still have a few years to get our own priorities and goals in order, but we also wouldn't end up being 50-odd year old parents with teenagers either.

It's not a decision that needs to be made instantly, far from it, but whereas previously it was a given we wouldn't, we suddenly both find ourselves considering parenthood. We've discussed logistics, she would prefer to continue working, and I would be quite happy to reduce my hours / go part-time and be a house husband / dad.

I guess the question that's on my mind is, how / when do you know? It seems (and is obviously) a huge decision to make, there's no going back as it were. I think the best way I can sum it up is that previously I had no maternal thoughts at all, and now I'm conscious that I might end up too old to take the jump, and miss out on something amazing. Do you just wake up one day and realise it's for you? That sounds daft but similarly I never really expected to be considering it.

waaaaah

My decision came down to think about myself at about fifty. If I didnt have kids then, how would I feel? As the overriding feeling was "I would be sad never to have had that experience" I realised I must want them.

I could imagine in my head that potential of regretting not having them, but never considered that I would regret having them. It tipped the balance.

Once we came to that conclusion we started TTC, as I didnt want Mother Nature to stop us either.

I think that's sort of where I'm at in my own head. I'm definitely weighing up the pro's and con's.

One the one hand it is a choice I would like to make within the next 2-3 years maximum, on the other it's a choice which will have a monumental impact on the rest of my life.

I don't think I would regret having them if I did, I was fortunate to have a great childhood myself and I think once I made that decision, that would be that. But on the flip side, financially it's a big decision, and it's basically the choice between spending the next part of our lives travelling and enjoying hobbies with no real responsibility or ties, or starting a family and basically not. Financially we wouldn't be able to both travel and have a family. That said of course, I imagine we could do a fair bit of travelling in the next couple of years if that was going to be a problem.

Then I guess it's the usual worry of change, I'm pretty good with change normally, but I feel like this is the biggest decision I'll ever make, if I choose to become a parent I'll be responsible for that little person for the rest of their lives, granted they'll grow up and have their own lives, but I'll still be their dad for the entirety of mine.

It's all quite confusing, I think I'd find it an easier choice if I hadn't been as sure when I was younger that it would never be for me, part of me is quite suprised that I feel the way I do now.

Well, I love having kids but even still, now and then DH look at each other and make a 'what were we THINKING?' face.

We miss life without them. But we would NEVER consider putting them back.

I always knew that I wanted children at some point, later rather than earlier for me as I didn't feel responsible enough in my 20s! So I can't imagine what it would be like to be unsure.

However, I would say that it is an amazing and positive experience. It is hard work at certain points and you have to be a bit more responsible, but the positives hugely outweigh this for me. It's hard to explain how amazing it is to have created a new person, and to shape their development. There are obviously challenges to it as well, but working through those is also fulfilling from my pov.

I think the key point is, as PP have said, if you imagine yourself at 50 ish when the possibility of having children in your relationship has passed. Would you regret it, or feel that you have missed out?

We never knew. It was a combination of "what If we regret if we don't" and "can't really find any excuses not to".

Neither of us were interested at all until we both reached 28. We had many middle of the night discussions and decided we wanted as full a life as possible. We decided to try right away and actually hit the jackpot on month one. She is 3 months old now. It is tough but so awesome!

We always knew we wanted children but wasn't sure when. It was when I had my 30th birthday I made the decision to come off contraception and start trying although I really wasn't sure if I was ready.

However it took six long years of trying and endless fertility appointments to get our darling daughter who is now 4 months who eventually we conceived naturally. I dread to think if I had left it a few more years before trying if things would be much harder than they already were. I reached the point in my life when every month I just used to cry because nothing was happening, we both were pretty devasted tbh. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

I'm not saying it will happen to you, most people fall within the first year of trying but be aware it's not the case for everyone and you both are still so young and if you are sure you don't want to end up childless in your fifties I would definitely go for it. It is a big step and I wasn't ready at the time but you just never know and being parents is the best thing I have ever achieved, it's lovely!!! Good luck to you both x

I will be 29 when my secnd (and final) baby will be born. So hopefully DH and I will have the freedom and cash to travel etc once ours are grown. When the youngest is mid twenties and hopefully independent, we will be early fifties. Still young enough to live it large

It sounds to me like you are over thinking it! There will never be a right time. I really don't know many people who really really wanted children and knew absolutely that they had to have one and planned for it at a certain age etc. for a lot of people it's all fairly abstract until one day...the positive test happens! No one i know has regretted it. Don't over think it, just go with your instincts and see what happens. :)

I wasn't in the least bit maternal, never ever wanted to play with children or babies or have anything to do with them. I then got pregnant by accident, kept the baby and BOOM, all the cliches are true! It's the best, best thing in the world.

We were in exactly the same situation as you. Kept thinking and considering it and wondering when would be best. Then realised there is never a best time and that we should just go for it!

argh

It's a tricky one. I don't want to overthink it, but then it literally does also feel like the biggest decision I'll make. Well it is isn't it.

I've got loads of what if's running through my mind as well. It would work best for us 'statistically' if I was a stay at home dad and my partner returned to work, but if she magically turned maternal and wanted to bring the child up and not return to work, I couldn't say no either. Then I work with a guy whose wife has had really bad PND after their first, and that is sort of on my mind as my OH had a short spell of depression some years ago, and it was pretty much the hardest thing I've dealt with.

Then again, it could all go swimmingly and be brilliant. I understand there's no way of knowing in advance but it's a huge plunge to take if we decided to.

It is definitely a difficult decision. But the thought and care that you're putting into thinking about it proves how ready you are. I say go for it!

How would you feel if you were told you couldn't have kids, ever?

Don't over think it, you have time. Other peoples experiences happened to them, yours will be different.

To be honest, it's one of those things you don't know if it's for you til you've tried it, I could try to explain what being a parent means but I wouldn't be able to express it, and even if I could, it would only be what it means to me.

Live your life to the full NOW so if you do pack in freedom for responsibility you will have no regrets. My 20's were wild, I partied, travelled, lived a life. Had kids in my 30's. My 30s were amazing, fulfilling, complete - despite spending them covered in the poo and puke of 4 babies and not being able to get out of the door in less than two hours.

Now in my 40's I look at my eldest and see his baby face, and see the man he is becoming. I have such pride and excitement for their futures. It's a great journey and a privilege to share it with them.

It's so much more than having babies.

I think I understand the "so much more" part, I can't decide how I'd feel if I was told I couldn't have them. We've basically planned up until now, not to have any, so it's a big change to the system anyway really. I think I'm swaying more towards dissappointment at the moment though.

Your phrase "one of those things you don't know if it's for you til you've tried it" is the part I'm struggling with. I identify with that completely, and I think the majority of me says "It'll be cool" but there's a part that knows that, if it didn't turn out to be for me, it would be too late.

Like you say, I've got time enough yet. Perhaps it'll become clearer yet, I think that's what I was wondering. You all sound quite sure that it was going to be ok, and while I think I'm getting there, I'm not sure I'm there yet!

Have a plan but don't be brainwashed into thinking your tubes will dry up if you step outside your plans... that way lies heartache. You have time!

I am now pregnant. I had everything planned out a few years ago, but had health problems and could not carry a child until they were sorted (took several losses and 3 years to get diagnosed).
I had become convinced mid 30s was 'too late'.
Thankfully, I got pregnant within 3 months of diagnosis and everything is progressing well. :) But I added to my own stress needlessly because I had over-mapped it out, in hindsight.

Rule number 1 about parenting : there are no answers, no right and wrong. You make it up as you go along and muddle through. This rule applies to both the theory and practical, so even thinking about it - there is no answer.

You are obviously working through it, but where's your partner in this? What if you work through it and decide it's a yes, but she stands firm it's a no? It's a big thing to concede.

What makes you feel as though you NEED to make a decision at all? Expectation of others? That it's the next step because it's just what people do at this point in their lives? You've ticked boxes, followed the path, so this is next surely?

I don't really like children if I'm honest, so other people wouldnt really be any use influencing my decision making. But I knew I wanted them one day and yes, they complete me. They are my life's work - I'm one of those - that is me, not you or your partner.

What about as you get old, grandchildren?

If things change later and you feel that you 'missed the boat' you could consider other avenues. Fostering, adopting? There are a lot of children in need of your love already in the world.

Time is on your side. Enjoy your life together, there is no pressure unless you put it on. If you are going to be a parent you can make the choices on how you do it. We all fuck it up sometimes, and it can be beyond shit. It can also be ace.

Good post ohforfoxsake, thankyou, plenty to think about there. My partner is at the same stage as me in all of this really, trying to work out what she wants. There's nothing like knowing your own mind as well though, if she decides she does I don't want to start thinking about it then if you know what I mean, I'd like to have chewed it over.

Good point re "the NEED". Honest answer, I don't NEED to make a decision, and I don't NEED to have children, I'm very happy as is, however inexplicably it seems to be on my mind, whereas it never has been. Expectation of others doesn't come into it, I'm quite stubborn lol. In fact in all honesty I've not considered how my parents or close family would feel at all. I imagine my folks would probably like to have grandchildren.

Which raises the issue of grandchildren. Honestly, I hadn't even thought about it. Which is odd I guess. My partner has mentioned that she thinks shes likes the idea of children because she'd like family around her when she's older, which I can understand I guess.

I'm not really a 'kids' person, I don't particularly like other people's, and I'm not the sort to coo over babies. That said, my partners bridesmaid has a 2 year old daughter who's pretty cool.

Fostering / adoption is an avenue we've already discussed. We both already have experience of the care system for young children in our local area via work previously, and in all honesty I can't imagine that I have the where with all to deal with it at home. That sounds awful but some of the things we've both seen foster parents have to deal with from both the kids they look after, and aggrieved relations just make it a no no. My partner still has some involvement professionally in this field and it would be too much if it was both home and work.

Don't worry about not feeling connected or loving other peoples children, I don't either, and it worried me as I'm not very maternal and gooey over new babies. I really can take or leave a friends newborn, a quick glance and a obligatory "oh she/he's gorgeous" and I'm done. But when it's your own baby, there is nothing like it. You will find them so interesting, amazing and funny it is a great feeling, you and the person you love made that little human being. That little baby will belly laugh when you tickle them, and smile when you walk in the room because you are their world and it's sooo cliche and soppy but it there is nothing like it.

You will of course be so tired in the beginning few months, argue with your partner because your both so tired, worry and stress over silly things like nappy rash and their weight gain, wonder why you ever decided having kids was a good idea? And you partner may get a bit of PND, if she has had depression in the past this could creep up on her. All you can do is be supportive, help with housework, night feeds when you can and give her time off to get her hair done/yoga/swimming/night out with the girls anything she enjoys to help her remember she isn't just a mummy but a person too.

My husband and I mulled it over for 5 years before we finally decided we wanted children at 30yrs old. 1 hour a week we both probably think why did we decide to have children again?? When he is grizzling over being at tesco again, or because we wiped his face after dinner. But the other 167 hours a week, we think we are so lucky, love him to pieces and know he has given us a 'new' amazing life.

Hope you reach a decision that is right for you. X

You can think and think and think. If it's really, really not for you, you wouldn't be doing this umming and ahhing. Other people's kids are just, well, annoying. That has absolutely no bearing about how you'll feel about your own. And yes, you won't have much money, or freedom, for a few years. But...you can write up endless lists of pros and cons, of "if-we-had-them-before-30-they'd-be-grown-up-in-my-fifties" and figure out how much room you need, if you need to move house or change jobs, like some kind of project you're considering taking on, but... how do you quantify love? Because that's what it boils down to. I've never known love like it. And you can't describe it or explain it.

It's a bit like jumping off a massive cliff into the water. It looks terrifying at the top, takes an awful lot of guts to jump, then on the way down you think FUUUUUUUUUCK-WHAT-HAVE-WE-LET-OURSELVES-IN-FOR and then once you've landed and come up for air, you think "Actually, this is all right."

I haven't read the whole thread in detail, but I just wanted to add two things:

1. You can't plan for kids in the same way as you plan anything else in your life. It might take years to conceive, or you might conceive immediately. Your kids might be difficult or wonderful. You ans your partner might want to return to your current jobs or you might decide to change your lives completely. You can't plan for it. You just have to be confident that you and yor partner love each other, and that you will love your children, and you will find a way. Your relationship will change - you will become colleagues as well as friends.

1. You are on a parenting forum so presumably you want the opinions of parents. It is true that having a kid is wonderful, fulfilling, complete. But I also firmly believe that people who don't have kids have fulfilling and complete lives as well. Being a parent doesn't make you happier or more worthwhile than not being a parent. It's an experience characterised by overwhelming love, fear, guilt and the unknown. Maybe non parents don't get that experience. Maybe they get something else instead

I was like your partner - convinced I didn't want children. In my late 20s the biological clock kicked in. It took 3 years and several miscarriages to conceive. My Dh was made redundant while I was pregnant. and I got pnd. Honestly, if i had known what it would be like, I would not have done it. But that's not to say I regret it - my son has brought me more joy than anything in my life. But I have come to accept that I wasn't able to plan this, I can't control it, and however much I tried to rationalise my decision at he time, it was an emotional decision, not a logical one.

I guess what in trying to say is, a child doesn't fit into your life; a child transforms your life. You don't know how until it happens. The only decision you need to make is whether you and your partner are willing to step into the unknown together.

I agree with moving slowly. It is not the be all and end all of life. I did not take the plunge until I was 38 I guess I felt I would regret it. I've been up since 4am with my 12 week old boy my dp has been sleeping in the spare room and I am close to tears nearly every day , thinking about my previous child free life and how happy we were.

Of course I love my baby massively and I know it will get easier , but never underestimate how hard it is (like I did)

don't have kids to ensure family around you when you are older, or for grandchildren. Your kids might not want/be able to have kids, or might emigrate.

have kids because you want to spend all the time that they need with them and are happy to give up all the things you won't be able to do for a while.

if these things don't apply, don't do it. Listen to don'tforget who is saying what is sometimes unsayable. (hope it will get better for you)

I wasn't maternal at all but I took stock of my life and realised I didn't have a career, I didn't have any assets, I didn't have a relationship and I had achieved nothing of note in my life by the age of 30.

I saw having a child as being the means to get all of the above, including some pride and satisfaction. I am glad to say I chose the right man to do it with too, as he thinks the world of our daughter. Every single day she makes me grin from ear to ear as she learns a new word or does something different, and to hear her laugh is wonderful. I've never regretted it.

I had no money or mortgage and I even moved countries to be with someone, the right moment was when I decided it was time to stop hanging on to the past and start looking to the future.

Thank you special. It's getting better everyday :-)
But I just wanted to highlight what a massive lifestyle change it is for most people and how unprepared we were for it.

Sorry OP I really didn't want to be negative but just giving you the other side and my truthful experience.

You can have a fabulous life with kids .....and without kids too !