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Original poster

Smacking-DH and I disagree, what to do?

50 replies

TwinkleSparkleBling · 29/04/2014 19:58

Before we had children, DH and I were probably similar in thinking that the odd slight smack now and again was ok.

I smacked DD1 on a couple of occasions (with warning). It was a light tap on the back of the legs Tiredness, exasperation, no excuse really but I am very ashamed that I did this.

Now I've had children (and been on MN) the thought of being physically violent (no matter however slight) with someone you love just because you're bigger than them just doesn't sit right. I now think there are more effective and better ways to deal with behaviour etc.

So I am now of the mind that I will not smack my children.

DH still thinks there's nothing wrong with a smack now and again.

Last time DH smacked DD1, I explained why I didn't like it. Whilst he maintained his view he said that he would respect my views and only smack in a rare/extreme situation.

Tonight DD1 (3) was rolling round and kicking DD2 (2) who was getting upset. He asked her three times to stop, but gave no consequence. He then smacked DD1 without warning.

I am really upset by this for two reasons. I explained that this is not what I would consider an extreme situation but more everyday (at the moment with DDs!). Primarily, I think he should have used a lower level "sanction". For example I would have said to DD1 stop doing that or I will take you into another room.

Also if it were an extreme situation he should have told DD1 that a smack would be the consequence if she did not do as she was told rather than just do it.

His response was "so your way has to be the right way?". He was quite angry with me and wouldn't listen to my reasoning. He said lots of other people smack their children and he will continue to smack as they are his children too.

I know parents have equal say but I just really feel so strongly that smacking isn't right. I just don't know what to do. I can't see how we can agree and don't know what to do if he smacks again.

Any help please?

OP posts:
unintentionalthreadkiller · 29/04/2014 20:56

I don't know but I am in exactly the same position with my DH, I really can't see how we can resolve it either as there is no compromise on this one for me.

hotcrosshunny · 29/04/2014 20:57

Dig up some evidence that shows smacking is harmful and not effective.

Also I would have separated my DC if one was annoying the other.

If he wants to use it rarely then how can he use it for the reason that he did? Siblings annoy each other all the time and kids don't listen all the time! So he will be smacking all the time.

phalanges · 29/04/2014 21:02

Smacking isn't right.

You need to sort this out. There is no way I would put up with my dh hitting our dcs ever, even if, for some ignorant reason, he thought it was OK.

This isn't a minor parenting disagreement and there should be no compromise.

Original poster
TwinkleSparkleBling · 29/04/2014 21:30

hot I just had a quick look and said to DH look at this. His response, "Oh people get research to say whatever they want it to". Erm no. He's just being really pig headed about it because it's "my way".

phalanges I know I need to sort this out-that's why I've posted to ask for advice how to do this. Any ideas?

OP posts:
Theyaremysunshine · 29/04/2014 21:40

I was smacked as a child. Was years before I even spoke to my dad again. It's bullying, plain and simple. And it doesn't work. All it teaches is fear, not respect.

If my DH smacked my dc I'd give him 1 chance to never ever do it again. If he did, I'd divorce him. Without a second thought.

Ask him what he's trying to achieve, because they can learn is to fear him and know that hitting gets what you want. Neither are good lessons.

Nocomet · 29/04/2014 21:43

Either you agree to disagree or you get divorced and accept your DC will still be smacked, but you won't see it happen.

Unless you are a millionaire and want to go for full custody.

WhoNickedMyName · 29/04/2014 21:53

Ah the irony of your DH punishing your DD for kicking, by smacking her.

I have to admit I don't have the first idea how you can deal with this.

MrsC1966 · 29/04/2014 21:59

Tough one. Wait for Dh to calm down and in a few days time present some evidence with the view that you need his support. I feel for you - thankfully Dh & I agreed before the birth of dd that we wouldn't ever smack. This was based on evidence from SIL (author of a couple of childcare books) who shared her research which showed how damaging (and pointless) smacking is.
Good luck.

Original poster
TwinkleSparkleBling · 29/04/2014 21:59

I know the irony wasn't lost on me either!

sunshine sorry to hear about your experience. I think it's already having an impact on DD1. This morning she smacked me, can't remember exactly why, I'd asked her to do something she didn't want to (nothing radical, just getting dressed I think!).

I really don't want to divorce DH over this but just accepting it makes me sad for the DC and feel I'm letting them down.

OP posts:
ShouldBeDoingSomethingProducti · 29/04/2014 22:06

Firstly, drop it for this evening. It is not the right time to be discussing it or showing him 'evidence'. No one sees the other side or backs down at this stage of the disagreement do they :)

I was brought up in the 70's, I had the odd smack (so 'odd' I can probably count them on my fingers should I be inclined). It didn't do me any harm and I do think it kept us 'inline' - but the part of it I think kept us 'inline' was that we were told that if we didn't stop whatever-seriously-bloody-annoying-dog-with-a-bone thing we were doing then we would get a smack. The smack could easily have been no treat, no 'fun thing' this weekend, whatever. We were asked on a reasonably regular basis if we wanted a smack [sounds weird written down! but basically when we'd been told a zillion times to stop doing x my M or D, mostly my D, would say 'Do you actually want a smack?'] (monthly at least I suppose) but I wasn't scared of my Dad, not one bit, but it was a signal that we had pushed our luck as far as it was going to go! It well marked the line in the sand! He never, ever, not once ever smacked us without ample warning that we were pushing our luck. It's just what parents did in the 70's.

Smacking out of the blue like your DH did this evening - that achieves nothing, nada - except bad feeling, mistrust and them becoming wary of their Dad - scared of him - ask him if that's what he wants. At the very least he needs to be in agreement that it never, ever happens again without warning, that that is the consequence of not doing as they're told (bare with me - I'm not done yet!).

I don't think that warning them that if they don't stop doing x they will get a smack is a bad thing at all - it makes it clear they have gone too far but things have changed, not many people smack, children are told that adults aren't allowed to smack them, you're likely to end up with someone sticking their nose in or worse if you threaten to do it when you are out, and all in all, it's really not worth using it as a form of discipline.

With all kids, you just have to find The Thing that has an impact on them - for some it's 'no TV' for others it's 'no bike/ds/chocolate/apples', time out or no bedtime story (though frankly, I think that's just as bad - if not worse, than smacking - it feels like a withdrawl of love to me).

You need 'a tool' to offer him if you are going to take away what he knows - ie smacking. Yes he could work this out for himself, but he doesn't have a problem with smacking and you do - so you need to help/encourage this change.

Or you could just divorce him for smacking your DD Hmm The advice on here is laughable some days.

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/04/2014 22:10

If he hit you love, you'd call the police.

So he can hit a child, who can't exactly call the police, and that's ok?

And calling it smacking doesn't make it any less abusive.

And...hitting someone to teach them that kicking someone else is bad...is a flawed argument in the first place. Surely by rights, you could hit him to teach him that he has been bad by hitting your daughter to teach her that kicking is bad.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 29/04/2014 22:25

Just look for new dolutions. 2 kids fighting/ irritating eachother: just separate them! Different rooms if need be.

Slapping is lazy parenting

TravellingToad · 29/04/2014 22:29

I disagree with everyone on here. Your DH is just as entitled as you to have opinions on discipline. And to carry out discipline how he likes. Your opinion is not more valid than his.

He didn't smack her with no warning, as you claim, he asked her three times to stop.

I think people on here forget that fathers are equally able to have opinions on child rearing and that the mothers way isn't necessarily the dominant opinion

Fizzybangfanny · 29/04/2014 22:35

God my M used to give me 'a good hiding' , slapping my legs repeatedly. As it got older I would stick my feet in the air to hurt her hands . Ridiculous .

On one occasion I did the same to dd1 when I was a young mum. Awful. Solved nothing.

Now 18 years on, if dp did it to dd2 and said he would continue, I'd leave. Why is it acceptable for grown adults to hit children, yet if woman/man come on here and said there dh/dw was doing this to them - everyone would advise them to leave as it is abusive.

MrsC1966 · 29/04/2014 22:40

Travelling - if it was a husband concerned about his wife smacking I would have given exactly the same comment.

Nocomet · 29/04/2014 22:40

You'll let your DD down a million times by the time she's 16. She'll still love you and she'll still love her Ddad, whether he smacks her or not.

In the end it really, really, doesn't matter.

MrsC1966 · 29/04/2014 22:43

Nocomet - and when a man hits that dd in future she'll accept it and that's fine too is it?

Original poster
TwinkleSparkleBling · 29/04/2014 22:51

Toad he didn't give her a warning of consequence. He asked her to stop three times. Different thing. There was no direct link if you continue to X then y will happen. I'm not saying he hasn't got a valid opinion, if you read my op I say exactly the opposite in fact! I'm asking for advice on how to find a resolution between our different ideals.

Funky I think you missed the point. I never said it was ok, I agree with all you said about hitting. That's why I posted, for help in getting DH to see this.

Shouldbe thanks for your v useful advice. I think the idea of a tool for him is good. I will leave it until tomorrow to discuss Grin

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 30/04/2014 06:37

Funky I think you missed the point. I never said it was ok, I agree with all you said about hitting. That's why I posted, for help in getting DH to see this.

I haven't missed the point. If he hit you, you could have him arrested for assault. He hits the kids and it's called 'parenting'. It's not about him having a valid opinion about parenting, it's physical assault.

Perhaps parenting classes would help him in his 'parenting' if he has to resort to hitting them to get his own way.

Atbeckandcall · 30/04/2014 06:47

Twinkle, this is a tricky one. I understand completely why you don't want to smack and yes you husband's opinion is valid too.

Can I ask who does most of the childcare? Is you, DH, grandparents, nursery etc?

claraschu · 30/04/2014 06:51

TravellingToad, how can you argue that all opinions are equally valid? Maybe my opinion is that the best way to deal with a fussy eater is to pour her supper over her head. If that's my opinion on discipline, is it just as valid as my husband's opposing opinion?

Fairylea · 30/04/2014 06:53

I have extremely strong views on smacking. I could not be with someone who even entertained the idea of smacking a child.

In your situation I would tell your husband that if he smacks again you will leave and you will tell the solicitors that he is being physically abusive, which he is, and order contact to be at a contact centre (because if he has them alone he will keep smacking).

I have raised 2 children 11 years apart and never ever smacked either in their lives. It is totally unnecessary and a sign of the parent losing control rather than teaching the child anything.

deepinthewoods · 30/04/2014 07:00

I couldn't be with someone who smacked a child either. It's lazy parenting and teaches a child nothing except fear.

I would try to speak to my OH to get him to stop, leave him or call SS.
No-one smacks my children, I don't care who it is.

Atbeckandcall · 30/04/2014 07:06

Actually what I've asked is irrelevant now I've had a little think.

When things are calm and you and DH are ok, tell him that whilst you agreed with the odd light smack before you had children, now you don't, as when you did smack you felt terrible and now you want to parent with a hands off approach. And that you'd also like to both be doing the same things so there is consistency for the children. Since deciding this you have looked into what you would like to do instead and you think xyz would be the most effective way, what do you think DH?

I'm not really what else you say to your DH really. HTH.

HappyMummyOfOne · 30/04/2014 07:06

I am all for both parents having equal rights and do detest that mothers are seen to be the more important parent by many.

However this has nothing to do with gender. If an adult hits another adult it is abuse and they can gain a criminal conviction. Yet when its an adult hitting a child is discipline Hmm. No child deserves to be smacked, its lazy out of control parenting and children do remember being physically hurt and it can have lasting effects on a relationship.

I'd leave any partner that thought physical punishment was acceptable.