Smacking-DH and I disagree, what to do?

[TwinkleSparkleBling]

Before we had children, DH and I were probably similar in thinking that the odd slight smack now and again was ok.

I smacked DD1 on a couple of occasions (with warning). It was a light tap on the back of the legs Tiredness, exasperation, no excuse really but I am very ashamed that I did this.

Now I've had children (and been on MN) the thought of being physically violent (no matter however slight) with someone you love just because you're bigger than them just doesn't sit right. I now think there are more effective and better ways to deal with behaviour etc.

So I am now of the mind that I will not smack my children.

DH still thinks there's nothing wrong with a smack now and again.

Last time DH smacked DD1, I explained why I didn't like it. Whilst he maintained his view he said that he would respect my views and only smack in a rare/extreme situation.

Tonight DD1 (3) was rolling round and kicking DD2 (2) who was getting upset. He asked her three times to stop, but gave no consequence. He then smacked DD1 without warning.

I am really upset by this for two reasons. I explained that this is not what I would consider an extreme situation but more everyday (at the moment with DDs!). Primarily, I think he should have used a lower level "sanction". For example I would have said to DD1 stop doing that or I will take you into another room.

Also if it were an extreme situation he should have told DD1 that a smack would be the consequence if she did not do as she was told rather than just do it.

His response was "so your way has to be the right way?". He was quite angry with me and wouldn't listen to my reasoning. He said lots of other people smack their children and he will continue to smack as they are his children too.

I know parents have equal say but I just really feel so strongly that smacking isn't right. I just don't know what to do. I can't see how we can agree and don't know what to do if he smacks again.

Any help please?

He gave her 3 warnings, then smacked her. She'll learn.

Yes.. she'll learn that the consequence to hitting is hitting. And that daddy can't control his temper any more than she can.

Thanks for all your replies.

Beck tried your approach today and DH was more responsive. I think he may have been pondering on some of what I said yesterday and the research.

He has agreed that he won't smack again and will try a timeout/ removal of a toy (he said he couldn't not do bedtime story as that would upset DD too much ).

I firmly believe that he is a good parent, or I wouldn't stay with him, but like most of us sometimes makes mistakes. What is important for me now is that he follows through and I support him in this.

Me and my hubby have a disagreement on this too. I grew up in a house that the very few times I was smacked my parents lost control. My husband grew up in a house where smacking was the norm, he had a warning and then got three calm swats on the butt, a talk, and a hug afterwards. His mom swatted him, and he was very close to her. His dad didn't, was verbally abusive, and DH hates him.

The problem isn't so much the swatting it's that it's really easy to take it too far, especially if you're hitting them in the heat of the moment.

He's softened up on his stance quite a bit though since DD was born. We'll most likely have to revisit this talk and come up with a clearer plan of discipline when she's a toddler.

I have smacked dd - on a handful of occasions. Mostly when she was around 3 and had dreadful tantrums, screaming, kicking, scratching etc. I warned and counted to 3 etc. A quick tap on the back of the leg always stopped it. I am not proud of this. But it worked at the time and as she got older I never found it necessary.

I hate threads like this as every poster is perfect and it just makes others feel bad for that time they finally lost their temper, or their child ran in the road or whatever reason. There is huge difference between a quick tap and child abuse/beating.

Glad you've resolved it Twinkle. I really didn't see that this was a thread about whether or not a child being smacked is wrong or right. But any thread with the word smack in it is going to get the response it has. You weren't asking what people thought about it, you were asking how you and your husband could get on the same page. Well done!

excuse me if I'm very sceptical that this will last when DC is limit pushing spectacularly.

I wouldn't smack my daughter, god I'd be riddled with guilt. Kids need talked to.... Explain why their behaviour is wrong, my dd is 1.5 and she gets time out (very rarely) she is well behaved but today got it for nipping my neck out of frustration.
My cousins little boy 2 is terrible for hitting his mum when he doesn't get his own way and I have witnessed her screaming in his face then hitting him back, it's just wrong.... He hits children all the time. He punched my nephew 1yo in the face the other day for nothing and I was then horrified to find my daughter running out of the ball pit screaming because he had slapped her and hit her in the face with a ball. I was furious, not with him but with my cousin, because I blame her handling of his behaviour the reason he lashes out at others. Hitting isn't the answer. I take my daughter aside in any situations where I believe she is in the wrong and tell her that's not nice and make her say sorry. Kids feel humiliated when they are smacked. This is certainly the way I felt when I was younger.

Rockin I would feel compelled to make a comment if I saw her doing that to her kid. Just a throwaway comment to make her think.

If I knew someone who was hitting their 2 year old and screaming in their face I'd be making an an anonymous report to social services, cousin or not. I wouldn't be able to be around her.

I agree with everyone who thinks hitting is terrible, humiliating, counter productive, etc.

However, I think people who have one delightful one year old should understand that when you have three quarrelling children under 7, sometimes parents get angry and do the wrong thing, and that doesn't make them abusive or bad parents.

"sometimes parents get angry and do the wrong thing, and that doesn't make them abusive or bad parents."

Yes it does.

Anybody who claims never to lose their temper when dealing with their children either has unnaturally well behaved children, or is lying. In my opinion, as somebody who's been both a child and a parent, a verbally abusive/screamy parent is worse than one who gives the occasional smack on the bum. Although neither, obviously, is ideal. (Before anybody thinks I'm being at all holier-than-thou in any way, I've done both when pushed past my breaking point.)

To the original subject though, I suspect the problem wasn't what you were saying to your husband, but the way (fact) that you were telling him. Nobody likes to be told they're wrong, being told you're wrong when you're not sure about what you should be doing instead is much worse. Objecting to being criticized, in the heat of the moment, doesn't make anybody either a bad parent or a bad person.

Ninjal- why do you assume that non-smackers must be verbally abusive instead?

It doesn't have to be either/or.

Maybe that's the problem with people who hit their children- they are the parents with a short fuse.

I am not saying that I have never had my temper rise, of course I have, but it has never led me to be verbally abusive or violent towards my children.

Just because that is your way, don't assume it'e every parent's.

I don't, but issues of spanking and screaming had both already been made earlier in the thread.
My point was that I don't think the occasional smack on the bum is the worst thing you can do to your child, which seemed to be the opinion of several people here.

Not that smacking actually works as a discipline method anyway, but that's a different issue.

Do you think that the occassional smack is OK for your OH too? Or your grandmother? Or even a dog?

It's going to turn into one of those thread I can see.. despite the fact the OP seems to have got it sorted

Such is the nature of debate gamerchick.

Strange that you equate "not the worst thing" with "ok" - does this black and white thinking apply to every area of your life? That must make you a very difficult person to live with.

I'm willing to be honest, I've smacked my daughter maybe half-a-dozen times in eighteen years. Never without warning. I'm not proud of it, and I apologized every single time, but it does not make me a bad parent. Or even a bad person.

yep over and over and over and over and over and over and over at various points of the year. nothing ever changes, it just turns into one big slag fest where people want to beat each others heads in.

gamerchick- then walk away from the thread. You don't need to contribute or even read. If others want to discuss it then you have no control over that I'm afraid.

Nope, gamerchick, I think I'm done. I came onto the thread to point out that telling people - especially people of the spousal variety, I've found - in the heat of the moment that they're wrong and you know better than they do how they should behave very rarely goes well. But, as you say, the OP seems to have it sorted.

Oh no you misunderstand.. carry on.. it is sunday after all.

I'm in a very different time zone, and really do need to go to bed. I'm sure another more interesting difference of opinion will pop up before you know it, to keep you entertained.

I don't hit my child, but I'm glad I read this thread because I realised I was missing out a really important part of discipline. I say 'one two three' and then get up and remove toy/child/food or whatever but so far I haven't actually told her what I would do once I reached the count of three. No wonder she tests me beyond that point, she wants to see what will happen.

I hit my daughter once. It was a knee jerk reaction because she bit my shoulder while I was cuddling her. The hit was a slap on her back, slightly harder than the kind you give while winding a grown baby. It didn't upset her or make her cry but it really upset me that I could react so badly without stopping to think.

And stopping to think is what needs to be done most of the time in order to avoid pain and suffering.