Please reassure me - shi**ing myself

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

I don't have anything really sensible to say but didn't want to leave you on your own. I think it's a case of parenting differently. I went on holiday recently with several friends and 1 family has a much more relaxed approach to where their children are and what they are doing, all the time which makes me very nervous on their behalf (silly really as they aren't bothered lol), so there would be frequent anyone seen xx? as xx had wandered off out of sight again - this includes an 18mth old.

I do think you could have called the next day and explained why you weren't happy, I don't like confrontation either and would of avoided it too, but that's water under the bridge and you can't change that now.

As I said not much use, but didn't want to ignore your post.

Message withdrawn

I agree with you - you've owned your bit, she hasn't. Which is so frustrating! I wouldn't try and talk it through too much with her, tbh...if she can't see or own her part, you are going to feel left with it regardless.
From your OP, I'd say you could have worried less (which you've acknowledged) and she could have communicated more, with ds re the tables and with you re the being late. If I was her, I'd have owned that.
For me, in your shoes, the priority now would be reassuring myself that I have owned my part, and that I have got the right to feel pissed off because its not all my problem.
And finally, maybe brainstorm what I'd do next time - if I think there will be a next time at all.

...also, I'd leave it alone for a second reason: she's probably feeling pissed off/confused about you having avoided her for a week, even though you acknowledged that. That wasn't great communication either (not judging, am utterly capable of avoiding too!) and it sounds like there's a loss of trust on both sides, as well as some parenting differences.
But just know its NOT all you, ok?

Message withdrawn

right - the impression i had got from your op was that she wan't going. it was just the kids with their grandad.
if she was going with them from the off then yes that does change things. But honestly life is too short.

and without being horrid-do you think there might be a thread of truth in what your friend said? That if you are very anxious then it is going to rub off on your ds? You said ds was all worried because you had the stranger discussion with him. Did you really need to have this talk with and plant worries in his mind? He handled the situation well- he got help for himself.Maybe you do need to adress whether your issues are creating issues for him.

I was going to write something similar to VVVQV - but she said it much more succinctly than I ever could.
I am a worrier (I was nearly abducted when I was 7) and I have to make myself chill out about this kind of thing and remind myself that other people don't see it like I do ...
I once had a major melt down when they closed the front gate of the school (a power pole had come down) and sent the children out the back. As a result of running all the way around the back I got to the classroom late and found the teacher had sent him to find me ... I caught up with him before he got to the school gate but I was in a spin ... another mum (friend) was looking at me as if I was a nutter so I had to tell her about my own hang ups before she could be a little sympathetic to my panic.
I missed him last week too (I posted a thread about it - friend took him home when I was waiting up the road ... ) ... the panic inside is terrible ... all I was able to do was impress upon DS that I was terribly worried and impress upon my friend NOT to take him home UNLESS she hears from me ... and then work on my own issues slowly and carefully and keep working on understanding that others are not as paranoid and screwed up on this issue as I am ... it is my problem, not theirs ...
thinking of you Dior ...

Nice post, ghosty.

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

I'm in a similarish situation about worrying, wrt my sister. I tend to be very relaxed, I don't believe in stranger danger etc, etc. And my sister clearly does. And yes, I have lots of opinions about that fact.

But a) I don't tell her those opinions, as frankly, she feels the way she does, and although I express my opinions re: stranger danger being bunk, I don't call her names! and b) if I am caring for her child, I tend to be more cautious than I would be with mine, because it's someone else's kid, and also because I know she's twitchy, and I don't want to upset her.

Even if your "friend" feels your concerns are not justified (and personally, I wouldn't be bothered at all by what happened with your son ... but my DS1 isn't a worrier), I gather she knew ahead of time that you had these sorts of concerns, and she blythely ignored them, upsetting you considerably.

The friendship should calm down naturally into an acquaintanceship, so to speak. She hasn't been a considerate person, has she.

i know that you had the stranger chat after the event-that's what i mean. ds comes home tells you what happened but is ok-you get upset have the stranger chat and he starts worrying .dyswim?

if you'd just said 'well done for being a sensible boy' and left it at that , maybe he wouldn't have been worried?

i do know that awful feeling when you lose sight of them or they get lost, it's sick making. and if you have extra worries it must be awful.Please don't think i'm dismissing your worries.But in the great scheme of things , i don't think this worth losing, what could be a nice friend ,over.

Message withdrawn

She also should not have called you "mollycoddled" and "immature" for not having the same parenting methods as her!

I do dump children who I am minding with random other people I know (other mothers). Ok, normally it's agreed in advance, but sometimes it isn't. It's not normally for very long, and obviously I've always been clear about having done it, and nobody has been annoyed (afaik). And no kids have been upset.

(And I've had people I know do this with DS1, too, and not got upset about it. Although the last time it happened, the friend's kid got lost and ended up in the lost tent, whoops.)

But I wouldn't do this with my sister's daughter, as I know she is much more twitchy than me about this stuff.

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

can i ask again, how old is ds dior?

Dior, I have great sympathy for you. I know the terror of fearing for my child's safety when for a heart stopping moment they are lost. I know exactly how we mums tend to relive moments like this with all the 'what if?' thoughts in the dark of night.

But, sorry if this is brutal, you are overreacting by quite a long way. At no time was your ds ever put in danger by your friend's actions. It is easy for children to lose their bearings in those soft play places and lose sight of their families. They live a moment's panic but no harm is done. Your ds was in the care of a responsible adult at all times.

Your ds was having fun and being given a treat by a generous friend but since that evening your friendship is damaged and ds is scared at the thought that he had to speak to a stranger.

Please please don't stop ds from going out with friends in the future because of this. Your fierce protection for ds may not be helping him in the long run to be the happy confident child that you want him to be.

Oh dear. I know this sounds harsh. Please don't take offense.

Dior,
I would feel as terrified as you...and I think I would have been as upset as you.

But since it wasn't me, I guess I can have a bit more perspective than if it had been me, ISWIM...

So, for my own sanity I have to remark, that your friend was being generous. I very rarely have anyone oferrin to take DC anuwhere, and dd really enjoys it when she does have a chance.

I also think that she didn't had any malice or was careless on her own perspective... Even though I don't like her hands off approach, I guess at some point I will have to accept that not everyone will look after DC's like I do (DH knows I think that even him is not careful enough! )!

If otherwise she has always a good friend it will be good to accept that you have different parental philosophies and that none is better or worse.

Hope you feel better about it all soon!

HOw old is your ds Dior? You mention school. TBH with a school age child I'd be pretty relaxed about returning times (I wouldn't go stupidly over) etc. In your friend's situation I think I would think twice before taking your son again because I would be too concerned about getting him back on time etc that it would stress me out too much, and I'd feel like I had to hurry everyone else.

I think now you need to stoop going over what happened/could have happened and decide what you want to get out of this. Do you want your son to go off like this again? Would you rather he didn't, or only went on organised trips. WOuld you rather take him and drop him yourself.

Depending on your son's age I think it is important that they learn to go off by themselves, and learn how to cope independently when things don't quite go to plan (I'm assuming your son is year 1 + here though). I think I'm trying to say as gently as possible, you do need to keep a grip on your fear if you don't want it to affect him (or people might stop asking him because they can't deal with you or your demands iyswim.) You may decide that you don't want him to go off with other people - which is fine- he;s your son and its your choice- but if you do let him go then I think you have to accept that you can't kind of look over and control/worry about every single incident.Sorry that probably has ended up sounding rather harsh although I don't mean it to.

Think about what you want to happen in the future and forget the last incident, nothing happened (and there wasn't really even a near miss).

Agree with fot, shimmy1 and jimjams. Utterly sympathetic to you feeling awful and shit- it must be dreadful to feel that level of fear about something like this which to many would just not be an issue. To be blunt, from what you've said I really think your anxiety is the source of the problem here, as ghosty and others suggested earlier. I would imagine your friend feels very misjudged, tbh.

Dior,

I would have been at least as worried and probably just as angry as you.

If a stranger got involved and noone noticed this stranger talking to your son, then if that person hadnt have been a nice person trying to help, but some wierdo, that would have been plenty of time to snatch him. It does happen. Not often, but it is a risk.

If your son was scared and felt like he had been deserted this was also unacceptable. AS was not asking if it was ok to leave your son with her father. You had a right to say who looked after your child.

I would have been concerned, and very upset.

To be honest, for me this would be the end of the friendship, at least I would never want this person to look after my child again.

Children are vulnerable. There are no guarantees, but I certainly hope I do everything possible to secure their safety and would hope that whoever I left in charge would do the same.

We are all different in how we deal with our children. I prefer to be cautious, and try not to smother - but my daughter is only 3 and a half.

Take care Dion

saka

I think a 3 and a half year old is different though. But Dior mentions school, and school age children are more independent (and need to be) and I think miss out more if they don;'t go out with friends etc- as shcool age friendships can be so much more meaningful than pre-school ones.

Message withdrawn