Can't cope with my 6 yo anymore - what help could I get?

[PolyesterBride]

My 6 yo DD's behaviour is more and more out of control. Her tantrums, which are almost daily, are so extreme and violent I have no clue what to do. She goes totally mad - throwing things everywhere, pulling stuff off shelves, ripping things off walls, hitting us, screaming (for hours), crying, kicking, smashing things - anything just to react in a violent temper.

I don't know what to do about it. It is ruining our family life and I need to get help. I have approached the health visitor (when she was younger - she has ajways been like this to an extent) and the school nurse - both have given me parenting techniques. I have also been on a parenting course. None of this has really helped even though I try to apply the techniques - praising good behaviour, ignoring bad - but you can't ignore being hit.

The things that trigger her behaviour are nothing in particular I don't think - just bring told to do something (eg get dressed) / stop something (eg jumping on the bed).

I am totally at odds with my DP on how to deal with her. He thinks we should get tough - take her toys away, lock her outside etc and he thinks I am too soft. I think we need to reassure her that she is loved because to me she seems insecure and anxious. Today he said he wanted to put her I to care. He also thinks her problems are all my fault - I had a bad childhood and didn't grow up with a mother so I'm probably not the most natural or demonstrative parent. He and I bicker constantly which doesn't help the atmosphere. We can't break up though because I am terminally ill. Anyway I don't really want to - I just want us all to be happy.

Anyway the point of this huge essay is to ask whether anyone knows of any help we could access. We keep discussing child psychologists or family therapy but neither of us really knows what those things are or his we could find them. We don't have much money but would pay privately if necessary. We are in the north west.

I could approach the school nurse again but as DD1 is perfect at school, I don't hold out much hope of getting help there.

Sorry for all the typos - am on my phone.

Thanks for all your support by the way. It really helps.

www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents

I suppose there isn't one 'right' way but some guidance would help! I would contact Macmillan - they are usually pretty good.

I hope the calmness is beginning to grow at home.

When you ds kicks off and is met with a rather bored parent who is basically saying 'ok, I see you are acting out, but I'm not getting worked up by it, or going to react' then she will simmer down faster than with a full audience, complete with audience interaction!

I'm glad that approach helped you poly. It helps me too. I've had a very bad few days with dd. Today she was on a school trip and she apparently melted down in a most spectacular fashion. Teacher said she just had to hold her (dd really doesn't like being touched). She did deep breathing with her and suggested I do that (of course I have many a time, never worked she was not interested!).

I really do think your dd has gotten wind of something happening to you. I'd be inclined to tell her, but in a very very sensitive way. I'm sure their must be some sort of professional organisation to contact for guidance. I just had a quick look at the winston wishes website and they do have a publication called supporting a child when a parent is seriously ill. Would something like that be suitable. Perhaps someone could contac them on your behalf to get info for you and dh?

I will have a look at that information, thank you imip. I did try to broach the subject yesterday - just started a casual conversation about the medicine I take and she asked a few questions but nothing along the lines of "are you going to die?" I suppose that doesn't mean she's not worrying about it somewhere deep down.

Sorry to hear that you had a bad day with your DD. I have tried the deep breathing thing but she normally just refuses. DP has done counting to ten with her which seems to work a bit better, maybe because it's something more concrete to focus on. My DD had a huge tantrum on Monday after her swimming lesson. It was all about getting changed and which clothes she should put on. I knew she wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been there (my friend normally takes her) so it's hard to avoid the conclusion that there's something wrong in our relationship.

I would consider concluding the opposite, Poly. From everything I've read and experienced, it's common for children with emotional and behavioural difficulties to be worst with those they are closest to, because they need to let it all out somewhere and that is the safest place to let it out - where they are sure of that person's love and acceptance.

The parents usually get the worst behaviour! I swear they save it up for us.

Distraction and humour are a great techniques when things are simmering. I often sing a very silly song or tell appalling jokes. Sometimes I do a hula dance or pretend to play an imaginary yukele.

poly tbh, I am alway wondering what the fuck I am doing wrong with parenting. I feel like the teachers are kind of looking at me as some loon making up something that isn't there because she is 'fine' at school. The home can be hell, I am often exasperated with disbelief at how fundamentally wrong it so going. However, deep down I know it isn't me. I find reasons, I attachment parented but with shitty bf sleepers, I cut dout feeding dd2 overnight at about 8 or so months, it was far too early, was it that? I question lots of things I did, ESP as I grew up in a shitty violent household and remember experiencing lots of anxiety.

So I tried the best with mine not to let them suffer anxiety. And look what happens... I'm not the perfect parent, but deep down, I know deep down that I cant have fucked it up that bad, even if, every day, I do mutter those words.

Try contacting winstons wish.
Very sorry op x

When my son was 5 he'd just gone back to school when September 11th happened, and his Dad (my DH) was in New York at the time, staying 2 blocks away, working about 5 blocks away. My son knew this very well as we had been out to visit about 6 months before and walked all round the area.

He didn't seem to be too obviously worried. Six months later when he had matured a bit more, he started to build Lego models of the World Trade centre with "holes in the middle for the planes to fly through".

Young children often lack the ability to express their worries and fear.
I would recommend CAMHS - if you are in a good area, as they were very helpful to us (but it can be mixed). Does the Hospice have a play worker attached? Or is there a children's hospice nearby that maybe you could contact - they tend to do a lot of work with siblings?
If she is bad to you - that does show she is attached.
Does your DP have someone to talk to?
I would also recommend MacMillan, they are very good at practical stuff - not just nursing.

Oh imip are you me?

We all do the best we can - what is right for us at the time. Sometimes things just go weird and kids can act out in extremes. Baby manuals just don't prepare you for 'what happens when your baby becomes a tazmanian devil'.

Of course ypu blame yourself, because that's what parents do. Was it because I bottle fed? Offered right boob before left? Dressed her in green? Dropped the baby on his head (who hasn't done that?).

Don't look for a 'cause'. It won't help.

Focus on the here and now. What you want and how to take the steps to get there.

You are dealing with skiploads - I'm not sure if you really realise how much you are up against. Piles more than the average parent. Be kind on yourself. Take some time out for you. You are a good mum, a kind person - if you weren't, you would be on here whinging that is was all the fault of someone else, that someone else should be sorting it all out for you, and boohoo poor me.

dishes crap, isn't it?

Nice name has some brilliant ideas which I will try for my DSD who lives with us, she doesn't tantrum as much your daughter but she has ASD and does have meltdowns when she has to do something or doesn't get what she wants.

It is very easy to get caught up when they behave like this, but I've found what works best is to just walk away and do something else like Nicename says- then there is no attention, you can occasionally remind her that you will talk to her when she is calm or do the penny thing.

I really love the clear out option because we've been meaning to do a clear out for a while anyway, this may give her some motivation!