I must be such a shit mum. My baby is never happy.

[Slh122]

Have a 10 week old baby who has cried from day 1, pretty much constantly. He's EBF, I feed him on demand, I offer him a feed everytime he's upset, I've tried a dummy which sometimes works, he's got a vibrating bouncy chair, tried the playmat, the sling doesn't work and he stops crying and goes to sleep in the pram or car but wakes up as soon as we get home.
He cries so much and refuses to sleep in the day. Thankfully he sleeps about 6-7 hours during the night but it's an absolute nightmare to get him to go to sleep. He screams until he eventually falls asleep.
He gets overtired in the day but won't sleep bar being in the pram or car seat and obviously I can't take him out all day everyday. Went out for Mother's Day yesterday for a meal and he screamed blue murder. Whenever my family see him they comment on what an unhappy baby is.
I've had 2 and a half months of constant crying no matter what I do and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I feel depressed and like crying all the time because he cries so much. I try my best and I feel like he hates me and I must be such a rubbish mum.

The best advice I ever got was that some babies just cry. You work through the list of: hungry, wet, dirty, hot, cold, tired and if at the end they're still going and no medical reason (have you had him checked for silent reflux?) then do whatever helps. Is it holding? Constantly on the boob? (Constantly on the boob is that other bit of advice that came too late for first baby but got it for second!).

Mine cried if they weren't on or next to me. So by dc2 that is what we did. Co-sleeping and popped in the sling. With dc1 I found that all very invasive. By dc2 I was prepared and expecting it so consequently didn't find it so bad.

If your baby is gaining weight and wet and dirty nappies I wouldn't introduce formula, unless you want don't want to breastfeed some/all the time.

I totally agree with lola88. It is most likely to be major overtiredness pure and simple. 6-7 hours in 24 is nowhere near enough sleep for a 10 week old, he needs about 15-16 hours minimum at that age. Not your fault - it's an easy trap to fall into (I did with DD, it was hellish). And once they're overtired, it's a vicious circle as it's much harder to get them to sleep.

Take him out for a long walk in the pram for several solid hours a day (get a good raincoat!). Aim for 4 hours total pram naps. Do this for several days in a row and I swear you will see an improvement by the end of those days. You may then find he sleeps better without the pram.

Gina Ford etc won't work while he is overtired (I speak from bitter experience), you need to catch up his sleep deficit first.

If extra sleep doesn't help - there may be some underlying issue such as tongue tie or reflux. But sort the sleep first as it will make it easier to tell whether there is anything underlying.

Good luck - I have been where you are and it's awful - but you will come out the other side soon.

Slh122 so he's happy after 6-7 hours sleep. Then milk then unhappy for the rest of the day. I'd get him checked for intolerances . Even a fussy fussy baby would have moments of calm throughout the day. It's not you making him unhappy it's something else. Go back to gp , take some video evidence of his crying.
Does he arch his back by any chance??

Can I offer you an alternative interpretation to "I'm a shit mum"? You have a baby who has not stopped crying for 10 weeks. You presumably are existing on little sleep. You may have friends / relatives who you feel are judging you. All this, and you haven't lost the plot completely. Frankly, that is totally awesome. You are genuinely a fantastic mum. (Losing the plot a little, or even quite a lot is fine. Most new mums do this. I promise.)

On a practical note, my dc2 cried and vomited pretty much non stop for the first 3 months. He subsequently refused to eat solids until 8 months and was constantly covered in rashes. In retrospect, I'm pretty sure he was intolerant to milk. Could this be an issue do you think?

If he isn't sleeping, yes he is overtired and therefore very grumpy and upset. BUT there must be a reason why he isn't sleeping! Its most likely to be an allergy/intolerance which may be causing silent reflux. Insist GP refers you to a paedetrician.

Sounds grim, and very familiar... I'm another one who wonders if it might be silent reflux. His behaviour sounds a lot like my DS1, who had only 3 settings, feed/sleep/scream, for his first months.
We had quite a few GP brush offs before paed referral. Medication for reflux really helped him, and so did the right sling.

I wrote a version of your post 18 months ago. I couldnt understand why everyone elses baby just fed to sleep and mine simply cried. Its not your fault at all.

• By all means rule out medical conditions such as reflux etc but be prepared that there may be no specific underlying condition that can be quickly fixed. I found that meds, cranial osteopathy, dietary changes etc made not one jot of difference to my dd.
• My view is sleep is key. Aim for a nap every 1.5-2.5 hrs. Use whatever method works, pram, car etc. If the naps are short make them more frequent.
• A sling did work for my dd for a few weeks (Id second trying the moby wrap). I had to gently sway in a dark quiet room while popping the dummy in from time to time but it was preferable to walking for miles in the rain with the pram.
• I, like you, was bf my baby on demand. As a consequence dd was snacking constantly but never feeding to the point of being properly milk-drunk. On the advice of a very sensible maternity nurse I tried to spread out the feeds and aim for a rough routine, it was tough but it made a difference.
• Things definitely got better when I weaned dd at 6 mths. It was easier to structure a routine with naps after breakfast and lunch. Dd took to formula and solids immediately and for the first time fed to sleep like a normal baby. Some babies thrive on a routine.
• In hindsight I can see I was underweight, exhausted and probably not producing enough milk. Your health matters, try to make sure you are eating properly and getting at least some rest. Take any offer of help from anywhere possible. Pay for help if you can afford to.
• Accept that you are having a tougher time than some other mums. Dont feel obliged to go places or do things that make you feel judged or make you or your baby more exhausted. Do seek support if you need it, be it from a sympathetic GP, HV or friend.
• You will probably find the toddler stage a breeze in comparison. It really does get better for most parents.

Forgot to say because it is obvious, you are not a shit mum. You are an amazing mum and doing a marvellous job.

ArtFine I think you're right, there probably is an underlying reason why he wasn't sleeping in the first place in order to get so overtired (although once overtired, that in itself will prevent sleep)

Could be reflux (which is often caused by dairy intolerance but not always) or could be tongue tie - this was the underlying reason why my DD didn't sleep and got overtired. Or something else...

Has anyone mentioned or checked for a tongue tie? Sometimes it can seem as if the baby is latching on and feeding fine, but a tongue tie can mean they're not getting enough milk. How's his weight gain, and how often does he feed?

You are definitely not a rubbish Mum! Although I imagine you're now a knackered and fed up one. I'd insist on getting either your HV or GP to check for everything everyone on here has suggested - that's what they're for.

Good luck.

I typed a post the other day but it mustn't have posted. It has definite signs of silent reflux - two of my friends went through the hell of it. Both mine had cranial osteopathy and it was a miracle for full blown colic for me.

Just to add that I too was where you are now, DS cried almost constantly and I was convinced I was a bad mum with a baby who was fundamentally unhappy. I blamed myself and felt like a monster because I wasn't enjoying having a baby in the same way that other new mums seemed to be.

We started him on colief and it made a massive difference, but the biggest difference was time - by 9 weeks he was calmer and then at 12ish weeks the crying just stopped!

I now have a smiley little 6 month old - quite the opposite of the angry little man we had before. I agree with what another poster said, my boy seems to be getting better and better the more independent he can be, I just think he doesn't like being a baby, he wants to get on with things!

Hang in there, keep posting on here and remember 'this too shall pass'.

Lots of good advice here, but just to say I have been there (and 4 years on only just starting to be able to contemplate having a second, mostly for that reason!) - you are a fab mum, sounds like your DS is even harder work than my DD was and I was in bits! I think I spent most of the first few months crying, with an aching back for all the rocking! Things that helped for us (a bit):

• when HV finally saw her in full screaming flow she inisited she went stright from baby clinic to GP as that crying wasn't right, which was partly a relief that finally someone agreed and partly annoyed me because I'd been telling her for ages and she hadn't taken me seriously. GP prescribed reflux meds, which I think helped (although it is hard to tell what is just the baby getting older, IYSWIM)

• realising how quickly babies get over tired. I started trying to get into a routine of putting her down for a nap, however I could get her to sleep, no more than 1.5 hours after waking up (stretched out longer as she got older), before she actually seemed tired. Initially by using buggy or car, but gradually tried to teach her to sleep at home - (I spent a lot of time in our bedroom with blackout blinds drawn, singing lullabies and making shhh sounds for a while - that was when we introduced a dummy too, which helped). It EVENTUALLY payed off and she got quite good a napping in her cot in the day, which was bliss for me! I found the baby Whisperer quite good for introducing routines, but in a less prescrived way that Gina Ford - you hgave to take it all with a pinch of salt though and adapt to you / pick the bits that make sense, rather than following rigidly.

I think the main thing that helped was time and getting older though! The best bit of parenting advice anyone gave me was to mentally or vebally add 'at the moment' when you are talking about what your baby does / is like. It reminds you that 'this to shall pass' on the bad stuff, and stops you being too complacent / smug on the good stuff!!

In the meantime, take any help offered!

hi everyone, thank you for all your helpful posts :)
We did try infacol for a couple of weeks but it didn't have much of a difference and he just used to get upset when I tried to give him it. He's been checked for tongue tie as I've had a bad bout of thrush and at first wondered if it was TT.
I genuinely think the problem is him being overtired. I fed him at 7 this morning then put him straight back to bed instead of getting him up and he slept until 10. He was all smiley and has just had another nap on me and he really is a lot happier today. If I can get him to sleep, hopefully we'll be able to get over this constant crying.

Poor you. It's not you. you sound amazing.

I guess that your baby is overtired nearly all the time (because you sometimes get smiley times in the morning, which is just after the only time he gets a substantial amount of sleep). It sounds as if your baby is struggling to learn how to sleep or that he needs to sleep. the most frustrating thing in the world is a baby who needs to sleep but won't.

I am sure you have ruled out everything physical - to do with reflex and things like that. So I would guess that you and your baby need some help to learn tricks first to get him to sleep, and then to learn to go to sleep.

I don't know what they are though (because mine could be rocked to sleep in the mei tai, which is a kind of sling, and that isn't working for you).

Thoughts

• is there such a thing as a sleep consultant? Not for sleep training in the traditional sense for older babies. but to help your baby sleep with your help. I am not talking about abandoning him to his fate!

• is there a sling library near you? If you can try different wraps or slings you may find one that is sleep-o-genic for him

• short term, get a break. Get someone else to drive him about in the car or the pram while you get a couple of hours off, as often as possible, just to stay sane if not solving the problem

x-posts I see you already know you just need to get him to sleep. Sorry!
I think sleep breeds sleep. If they have slept they feel calm which helps them to sleep later. So I think you are right to do anything you can to get him to sleep at all, initially.
Good luck, you sound amazing

My dd was like this up until last week, she's now 23 weeks it started from day 1. She has cows milk allergy and reflux. Maybe this could be it.
This sounds awful but video your lo screaming and show to doctor. I did and within a week (and changing surgeries) we got a referral to hospital and sorted out!
She now sleeps 7-7 (bottle at 2) and naps! I actually have 2 hands free! I feel for you it's awful!

I was just coming on to say that I reckoned over tired ness was the issue. If you try to get him to sleep as much as possible in the next few days to catch up then you can try working on some routine if you feel that would work for you.

Have you looked at the baby whisperer website?

Glad you have mode some progress OP and it does sound like overtiredness since more sleep is helping.

If he will nap well without the pram then that's great, keep doing what you're doing. If not - pram pram pram - honestly don't worry about forming bad habits, the main thing is to get him to sleep as much as possible however you can.

By the way, afternoon naps are often harder than morning naps - you may find you can put him to sleep in his cot in the morning but need to use the pram for afternoon, especially late afternoon. Even Gina Ford says use the pram for late afternoon!

I have what I consider to be a "high needs baby" and let me tell you, it does get better!! Obviously it is important to rule out a medical condition, but unfortunately some babies are just super fussy. I found it so hard, but was also lucky that she slept well at night, so at least that was some respite.

Things started to improve around 14 weeks or so for us. Slowly at first, so I was able to put her down for 5 minutes at a time. Then gradually over the next few weeks I found her attention could be held for 10 minutes at a time. The times I have noticed improvements have been:

When she became aware of toys and could hold them and put them in her mouth.

When she could hold her head steady and look around whilst being carried.

When she could sit with support.

She is now just over 5 months, and whilst she is still not the most placid baby (my friends' babies always show is up by sitting on their mums' laps for a whole entire lunch!), we can just about make it through a baby group without a meltdown. I try and time things so she has a feed just before we go out, or as soon as we arrive at a group, and she is usually fairly calm just after having a feed.

It is so hard, but your baby doesn't hate you and you aren't a bad mum. Do confide in someone about how low you are feeling regarding it all. You need someone to watch out for you and make sure you don't get too overwhelmed by it all. And never feel guilty for handing the baby over to someone and getting away from it all. Similarly, if the crying is too much in the daytime, put him in his cot and leave the room for a few minutes. He will be fine.

Good luck, it does improve!

My DS a bit like this. He seemed so grumpy. I think it was overtiredness and overstimulation. He's never been a good sleeper. However, it really did change when he got to about 12-13 weeks. The sleep didn't improve but he became a different baby, so much happier, I think it was a development thing when he got more interested in toys and people etc he was happier. These days he is a really smiley happy confident toddler.

I also recommend a sling, maybe see if there is a sling library/group near you so you can try different types if he didn't like one at first.

Please don't let it knock your confidence. Its not your fault, some babies are just like that. You've got a harder job than someone with an "easy" baby but you're doing fine.

OP I really feel for you. Your post had taken me back to last summer when my DD was exactly the same... Hv and gp all said not to worry, try top up feeds in case still hungry and recommended every med for colic and baby gaviscon.... No improvement.

I pretty much went over the edge as the constant crying was heartbreaking and driving me crazy. I too felt like a shit mum.

Eventually we paid to see a gastric paediatric privately when DD was 3 months old.... Turned out she is dairy protein intolerant which also caused silent reflux. Poor little thing had been suffering for months and all the advice I'd been give was wrong.

I chose to stop bf immediately and she moved to nutramigen formula (hypo allergenic stuff on prescription). She also had omeprazol for the reflux. She improved pretty much instantly.

We weaned her at 4 months (she is dairy, soya, egg and nut free for now) and that also helped her settle more.

She is now a delightful little munchkin who is 9 months old today. She sleeps better (is still a monkey with her naps but we are getting there), she eats brilliantly and is still on the formula for now but has no symptoms.

Please go back to your GP and ask to be referred to a paediatrician. Don't take no for an answer. If the wait is too long, look at going privately - appointment are a out £200. Not cheap but it saved my sanity.

I wasted so much time listening to GPS and hvs spout what I now know was crap. If the paediatrician rules out allergies then they may be able to make some other suggestions.

Good luck

Hi, I'm no expert at all (baby yet to arrive), but I used to see an osteopath a few years ago and asked him one day why there were so many babies waiting to see him. Apparently birth can be traumatic for babies and affect them in ways that GPs wouldn't pick up on ie muscular pain etc. He said that babies often come to him that cry non stop and within a couple of sessions that stops. Worth a try?

Bless you. Its not your fault.

Babies are VERY VARIED. Some are chilled out, some are miserable. Often the miserable ones blossom into sunny happy toddlers.

Sounds like you have got a "high needs" baby. www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/12-features-high-need-baby

Of course you are depressed, dealing with a screaming baby all the time. Its totally understandable. If other mothers look like they are coping, its cos they have got a MUCH easier ride. My DS just used to feed for 15 mins then go back to sleep for 3 hours. He was so easy (and it was nothing at all to do with what I was doing or wasn't doing).

I think you need to accept him how he is, and don't blame yourself. He is a high needs baby. So you need to think of how you can make it easiest for you and him to get through this time when things are really difficult. (He might well be as happy as larry in a month or two - things can change quickly).

I would also get the usual things checked, silent reflux, and I would try cranial osteopathy.

Good luck - do whatever you can to get through this period, and he will grow out of it. Its impossible to see now but one day in the not too distant future he will be easier and you will enjoy parenting him.