What makes us the mothers we are?

[mears]

Right, I am looking for inspiration once again to help me with my assignments. I am researching women's approaches to motherhood. Is there anything you thought about your owm child experience that you were convinced you would try and avoid as a mother?
In my case, I knwe my mum loved having babies (I do too) but I remember thinking that she didn't have an awful ot of time for us as we grew up (there were 5 of us). I was determined to show affection which she didn't. I had absolutely no problems with the baby stage but am aware that my I did not enjoy toddlerhood vey much. Tried to conquer that but probably not very successfully.
What about you lot. What were your demons of motherhood in relation to your own experiences?

I will never be able to live up to my amazing parents. They were an unbeatable team. My mother was full of love and cuddles and practical help. My father was a joker who would start pillow fights in the middle of the night. The local kids used to call to our door and ask if my Dad was coming out to play!! If I do this job half as well as they did, I will be thrilled.

Thanks so much handlemecarefully, your message was lovely .
(...I'm working on it )

Oh Juliejoo that's so lovely and so sad all at the same time. Makes me feel guilty for moaning about my mum... I also realise my sister and I still demand her attention even though we are now in our 30s and am quite alarmed that ds will do the same to me!

Oh god i should be in bed. This will be really rambeling.

I adore my mother. But she stood by for so many years and let my father beat the crap out of me and her. My children will know that physical violence is never ok. I will not hit and if my husband ever treats me of them in an inappropriate way he is gone, simple as that.
I want to provide stablity and a real feeling of safety that I don't have even now. I want them to know that its ok to aspire to be whatever they want and I will push them more education wise (my mum never really bothered herself) and i will be involved.

My own childhood experience has taught me that i need to show my children every single day how wonderfully beautiful and special they are. Having spent a lifetime feeling worthless I want my children to know you how important and wonderful they are.

In practical terms i find Evie hard, i still feel nervous with her all the time, i'm not a natural baby person whereas my mother is. But I always tell her how wonderful she is and how special she is and i go mad on praise. She is only tiny now but i am going to try and find the positive in every single thing she does.

I don't know if that answered the question, sorry.

Things I learnt from being in a large family:

How to cook
How to share
How to 'do without' and how not to mind about it
How to look after babies
How not to panic when children do something dangerous or are sick

I put off having children for a long time because I felt I had already raised my younger siblings. However, I was glad of that experience when I did finally have a child. I remember the nurses on the SCBU ward asking how my other children were faring as I was in hospital with the sluglet for a week after her birth. They were surprised to discover she was an only child as I am very comfortable and confident with small babies.

My biggest influence on my childraising principals is actualy a friend of mine. I really admire her supreme self confidence. Once I asked her how she did it and her reply was that every day of her life her mother told her she was wonderful. Even when they had rows and arguments she never felt she was less than totally valued. It's an approach I try and take with my daughter.

My mum always managed to thread the line of loving me enough to know that she cared and not loving me too much as to not let me grow into my own person. She was great at that, as was her mother and I hope I inherit the same quality.

oh sorry, you wanted things to avoid repeating, sorry......
Ummmm, can't actually think of anything tbh. She was and continues to be my inspiration and strength.

Janstar, you didn't grow up with my parents did you?

I tried SO hard to get them to notice me & nothing I did was ever enough- or good enough. My mum criticicized me constantly & never opened her mouth unless it was to tell me what I'd done wrong. She accused me of all sorts when I was a teenager until I decided if I was going to have the name I'd have the game. I certainly couldn't talk to her about anything. Her favourite expression was that she loved children until they were about 4 but after that they are horrible (said to us regularly as we were growing up).

When I had my children she made me feel inadequate- she could pick up a crying baby & silence it in minutes. She never missed an opportunity to moan at me because their coats were dirty (stored in the boot of the car with the pushchairs ffs, in a house with no central heating & no drying facilities); their hair was too long; we looked a mess etc etc. She didn't approve of their names, or us being vegetarian, or that I wouldn't leave them to cry... & never missed an opportunity to feed them sweets on the sly, knowing that was a habit I didn't want to start.

She's got much better in recent years but cannot be in my company for more than 5 minutes without mentioning my bl**dy brother.... she even rang me the other day to tell me to thank him for some discs he'd sent me! I'm 40 years old mother, not 4!

Oh & I committed the ultimate sin by having 4, when SHE"d stopped at 2..... (leading to many conversations of the "if you'd just had the 2 you could have..." variety, especially since child no 3 has ADHD & is harder work than the other 3 put together)