What makes us the mothers we are?

[mears]

Right, I am looking for inspiration once again to help me with my assignments. I am researching women's approaches to motherhood. Is there anything you thought about your owm child experience that you were convinced you would try and avoid as a mother?
In my case, I knwe my mum loved having babies (I do too) but I remember thinking that she didn't have an awful ot of time for us as we grew up (there were 5 of us). I was determined to show affection which she didn't. I had absolutely no problems with the baby stage but am aware that my I did not enjoy toddlerhood vey much. Tried to conquer that but probably not very successfully.
What about you lot. What were your demons of motherhood in relation to your own experiences?

I am one of those people pleasers who irritate me and it matters a lot to me what people think of me....especially my Mum. I love her to bits but she irritates the hell out of me.

She can be overly critical of anything and everything even when I have tried to do what I think will please her. She criticises me in front of my ds who is only 2 (but it bugs me) and once said that I was a horrible mother because I hadnt bought him a bucket and spade.

My dh wonders why I get so upset by these criticisms but sometimes it is the little things that are the worst. So, I would try and not be too overcritical of my children.

I will also ALWAYS let them have playdough!!! My Mum banned it when we were little and goes on about it all the time when she sees DS playing with it! What does it make me do? Buy him more of it!! In fact one day he had a piece of playdough and got it everywhere (which made a terrible mess.) My Mum asked if it bothered me him making such a mess but I vehemently denied it (even tho it did) because she would have said 'Told you so!!'

Oh.....I didnt know I had so many issues!!!!

The one thing that I was never going to do that my mother did was have children!! However, last May I found out I was 5mths pregnant. I was not scared of the normal things (not until later anyway) I was scared I would be like my mother. There was no closeness in my family my mother brought us up on her own for most of the time. I remember the last time that my mother put her arm round me and that was 4 years ago when I was accepted into my current job. IS that sad that I can remember that. I think so. I feel that my role as a mother is to be there for my new beautiful daughter. I have every intention of over compensating and showering her with affection. I am sure when she is 18 she will hate me trying to kiss her and hug her. I never felt that I could tell my mother important things or confide in her, I want my daughter to be brought up in an enviroment that no matter what happens she knows that I will be here. Is that normal mothering instinct or compensating for what i didn't have, not sure. My sister feels exactly the same, she has a 2 year old and is obsessed with making sure that she protects that family unit and has family outtings. Our outtings were always with our grandparents. Not sure if this is an answer to your question or just theropy for me.

Goodluck with assignment

Please don't poick up on spelling mistakes noticed too late!!!!!

I want to be able to talk openly to my children about stuff, and have them able to come to me with problem etc, not just when they're teenagers or whatever, but when they're older. I have never been able to really talk to my parent, it's still very much superficial stuff which really upsets me. Any attempts I've made over the years to discuss 'real' things rather than the latest Corrie plot have been met with 'Never mind dear, it will all work out in the end'!

My mum was generally fine and loved me very much, but she was flawed like everybody else's.

Things I vowed to do as a consequence of her style of mothering:

• not give my children a hang up about their bodies and nudity (like she did)- so that they don't grow up into prissy sexually repressed adults

• have more than one child (whilst I wasn't an 'only', I was as good as, since there is a huge age gap between me and my older siblings i.e. 14 years)

• give some dedicated time to playing and stimulating my children - take them out on outings etc (I was expected to entertain myself much of the time - didn't help that although my mum could drive she refused to, so we didn't go anywhere really fun)

Levanna,

I've just read your post and I really admire the fact that you are so balanced and sane, despite a really awful childhood!

You know how people say that you'll understand your parents' style better once you have kids? Well, for me, having children has just crystallised what bloody awful parents mine were.

I want my daughters to feel happy and confident. I don't want them to feel inadequate for being 'too fat' (ie not stick thin). I want them to feel that they are nice people to be with. I want them not to feel coruscating shame if they do something wrong. I want them to be able to fight with each other. I want them not to feel validated by their academic achievements alone. I want them not to feel judged on their looks, and that they can never never match up to their mother's gorgeousness. I want them not to feel that their mother's unhappiness with them is justified because, after all, she doesn't deserve to have such fat ugly children. I want them to feel that adolescence isn't a crime. I want them to feel I like them because they are nice people.

I want them not to have to spend five years in therapy and six months in depression before finally feeling OK about themselves in their mid 30s!

And I will not hit my children, and if I take them halfway across the world several times during their childhood I will allow them to talk about how they feel unhappy about being away from home, even if the country we have gone to is my own home.

Things my mother did that I avoid like the plague:

Hitting children because she was having a bad day.

Lying drunk in bed while eldest child looks after the family.

Fobbing off all chores on children and complaining they are not done properly.

Ridiculing, sneering and humiliating children in private and in public.

Never being pleased or satisfied with anything children did.

Telling lies about why she hit them.

Leaving 4 year old very ill in hospital to be visited by older sisters for weeks on end while she laid in bed drunk.

Name calling and swearing.

Instead of protecting children from unsuitable relationships, using them as a treat to be withdrawn or allowed if all housework instructions carried out.

Never ever listening to childrens' problems or concerns.

Insulting my father and being annoyed when I didn't want to join in.

Things she did that I try to avoid and fail I think:

Moaning.

Sarcasm.

Not being interested in childcare really - not being 'mumsy'.

Things she did that I liked:

Taught us very good manners.

Taught me to cook.

Knew the names of flowers and plants.

Taught me a lot about the right way to do housework etc.

Was intelligent, interesting and humourous (when sober).

Always stayed close to her parents and brother's family.

Things I have struggled with due to the shortfall of her mothing skills:

Having been well conditioned to care only about other people's needs and not my own, and to blame myself for other peoples' problems, I gravitated towards bullying, emotionally damaged people. In this way I made bad relationship choices, and ended up having two children with a man who turned out to be abusive and selfish. He has inflicted huge damage on my daughters and me.

I was not able to complete my education since living at home meant daily violence and bullying. I therefore have never had the advantage of a career and spent many years working all the hours god sends to support my daughters. Not great for them I think, as well as me.

I often don't know how to help my children best since I have no example to refer to, and no one to phone for advice (thank goodness for mumsnet!)

I never know how much discipline to impose.

I can be a bit of a martyr sometimes. I beat myself up about small things because when I was I child someone else used to. I'm getting better though.

Thank goodness we can all think for ourselves and break free of these conditioning childhoods. It can be bloody difficult to do though.

Message withdrawn

Bloss,

That's just lovely

Of course I love my mum but ... she gave the impression that having my brother and I was a sacrifice and looking after us was a job. She yelled, lost her temper, smacked, told our dad to belt us when he got home from work, showed extreme favouritism to my brother, never showed me affection or told me that she loved me. I was like a 'thing' or a 'doll' sometimes - superficially doing things for me - that were actually all about her. This got worse the older I was.

Both my parents turned out to be competely selfish and uncaring when their marriage broke up when I was 14 and they both immediately entered new relationships. Now it is like role reversal where I am the mother and she is the daughter and I give her advice and guidance about her relationship, her health etc etc.

So what I want to do as a mum is:

*be calm
*listen
*be supportive
*be sincerely interested
*provide a stable family life
*be affectionate
*be the best mum I can be
*encourage my children's talents
*teach them that my love is unconditional
*always consider my children's needs
*have a close family based on love and mutual respect

About newborns - my mum never talked about when we were babies really. The only story I ever heard was how when I got my first tooth at only about 3 or 4 months old I bit her nipple while she was feeding me and she threw me across the room where I thankfully landed on a lounge and she immediately weaned me.

She only saw my DS for the first time when he was 6mths old as she said it 'would be better if she saw him when he was that old' and also while it was summer in europe - so she wouldn't be cold or anything (don't worry that I had asked her to come to stay with me when he was born so that she could help). BUT ... I was really quite surprised with how comfortable she always looked when she held him - completely different to my MIL. It wasn't till about 6mths ago that she told me that she went back to work when my older brother was 2mths old - giving him to the next door neighbour to look after (maybe explaining the favouritism), and that she insisted on staying home for 2 years after I was born as she felt she had missed out on too much (must say I am still skeptical about this as her core motivation).

So Mears - when's the assignment due and is this the kind of stuff you were looking for?

I am the Mum i am because of my Mum.

I learnt how to parent by mums mistakes, i had an awful childhood which at the time i thought was normal, but now with three of my own i realise that it was far from normal.

Everyone compliments me on how well turned out and what a pleasant Teenager my DS is, and i take such pleasure and pride in this as she was brought up by me alone with love, caring and friendship. Quite different from how i was brought up, and now with two more little ones i hope i can do the same again.

Good for you, charlieplus3!

Thanx Janstar. Found that quite hard to write without getting too deep into it. I feel guilty sometimes that i harbour bad feelings towards my Mum but hey ho she helped me be a good parent. (Well most days anyway)

I would have loved to have had the Mother/ Daughter relationship that they show on TV and adverts. I cant with my Mum but i will have with my children

Will I am going through therapy as I dont think my mum was ready to have kids, I have a very similar story to many other mums reponses here.I feel a bit exposed telling you all this as I knever have told anyone except therapists. This may be more vitriolic than another day, as mum has yet again really upset me. I am a senstive soul and that hasnt helped were my mum is concerned. Mears please keep me anonymous if u use anything here.

She always shouted , wether it was that I didnt say the right things in a telephone call or in a letter , to not cleaning the house properly oh and college work too, if it wasnt perfect.
Criticised what I wore if it wasnt neat/ clean enough/ glamorous enough or matched properly.
Was actually physically abusive when much younger , and got my dad to take us OVER HIS KNEE.
Never had time or patience to talk to us & always was a POOR ME person , regardless of holidays , bas, clothes, shoes, cars, jewellery.

I hope I can be and do all the things I didnt have emotionally.I want my dd feel cherished and special. I know it has to be with word and acts of love otherwise they risk being spoilt. I think I have realised that my mum taught me more about materialism and success that way, than by being the most self actualized person you can be. My dad taught me that. I want to have caring and thoughtfullness with my little girl. It is difficult as I want to give here everything but I need to show her to value herself more as a person rather than her appearance/possessions.Unfortunately I have been taught that to be a good value sytem to have. So it wont be easy. She will never NEVER experience being put over someones knee and being given a GOOD HIDING. Its still in my mind ; all the fear and pain to this day. But I beleive in discipline and firm but fair.

I found that being angry with my mum was the only way I could begin to heal. She told me so many times that if only I would do this or do that she would be fine that I grew up blaming myself for everything bad that had happened.

Being angry with her was the beginning of recognising that she chose her own actions, and the beginning of being able to tell someone else how I felt. Even telling myself wasn't easy at first, IYSWIM.

Fascinating thread, Mears...and that post was just lovely, Bloss. How lucky you are.

What I DO want to pass on from my own childhood experience:

• Consideration for others (helping people on/off buses, in shops etc - my father is 80 next year but still gets up to offer his seat to people "who can't quite manage"

• Liberal attitude towards reading material (my parents gave me the run of their library from about nine onwards)

• A sincere and positive interest in their whole education, not just schooling

• Making financial sacrifices for my children and genuinely not resenting it

And what I'd do differently:

• Proper, well-chosen daycare (not just being sent off to a classmate's house where we all hated the situation and each other)

• Uncritical affection, not judgment-based

• Unstinting physical affection (hugs were in short supply from my mother especially)

• Only complimentary remarks about my children's appearance

• Involving them in decisions about holidays, clothes, pets and bedroom decor

• Not smoking over them. This one's easy because I never started. Our house was kept clean but always full of smoke. She was on 40 a day throughout my childhood - before the risks were fully known, of course.

• PLAYING with them. I have no memories of my mother playing with me, ever. Her own childhood was crap and she didn't know where to begin.

As far as my experiences with my newborn children go, my mother was no help at all. She loves her grandchildren but she has forgotten everything she ever knew except her bizarre Truby King mantra of leaving kids in the fresh air in all weathers. She did say trying to breastfeed me was "disgusting", like "being gnawed by a tiny animal", and that both hurt and made me determined to succeed and tell my children how much I enjoyed it and how much it meant to me.

This is making me cry.Too close to home.

Do others of you who have never managed to please their parents now find themselves driven to be perfect? I do. I remember planning surprises, doing jobs, resolving to be perfect, dreaming of the happy smile, the thankyou, the 'what a good girl you are'. But nothing I did was ever enough.

Now I am neurotic, I lie awake at night worrying that I burnt something I cooked, or the bathroom was dirty when visitors turned up, or I said the wrong thing and didn't give the correct support to a child and so nobody will love me.

And I drive myself mad thinking my children will feel the same if I push them too hard.

Yes Janstar that is true, to the point were I have had terrible PND fuelled by terrible overt anxiety. This then led to the panic attacks, but some of it was childhood stuff that I knever even mentioned to my parents and I dont know why. May I thought they wouldnt help me or that I would be told off. I obsess now about the house / dinner etc, but I am better with my little dd and caring for her , I have gone from freaky obsessed with that to enjoying it and being fairly laid back with her.

I m sorry you have this too Janstar .

I even tell her shes beutiful in baby signs. I want to learn good girl too.

I want to have a positive parenting style. It certainly helped as a manager with staff!!!

I am much better since I broke my leg. I learned then that even though I couldn't do anything, my family still loved me.

That must have showed u they love u for who u r and not what you do

My dd is 10 wks old, and recently I find myself thinking lots about my mum, who died when I was just 10 weeks pregnant. My mum was the most fantastic mum when I was really young- taught me games/ stories/ how to ride a bike etc etc, but she became ill when I was seven, with SLE (lupus), which is an autoimmune disorder which attacks every organ in the body. Her joints became swollen and painful, she lost 4 babies- 2 miscarriages and 2 stillbirths- as a result I am an only child, which I know she never wanted, and certainly never treated me as! She was in terrible pain every day, but continued to work as a secondary school teacher for years (she loved the kids, and was a great teacher, by all accounts- the school recently put up a plaque for her) Gradually her health got worse- she had a brain op for an aneurysm, them she got TB, then she had astroke, which left her really depressed, but through it all she was so courageuos and always had time for my (insignificant) problems. I used to admire her so much. But towards the end, the disease finally started to affect her brain, and her personality. She spoiled my wedding by being moody and disinterested, and she seemed outraged that the attention was being taken from her, something comlpetely out of character for her. She constantly criticised my dad, who looked after her so incredibly well, and loved her so dearly. Her heart deteriorated, and she couldn't get out of her chair/ bed. She moaned at the nurses in the hospital, unheard of for a women who'd spent 25 years in and out of the place, and I was always so proud of how cheery she was and how popular. It was like the illness destroyed her personality and it was painful to watch, and sometimes difficult, I admit, to remember what a wonderful person she really was before. some days it was even hard to love her. the day I told her I was pregnant was the last time I saw a glimpse of my real mum- she was so happy!! She told me not to tell anyone until the 12 wk mark, but at her funeral it transpired that she had told everyine (in strictest confidence!) Now my daughter is here and I finally understand what it is to be a mother, I miss her so so much. i hope I can give my daughter the same kind of fun and happy childhood I had. And I hope mum can see it somehow.